If you don’t remember what Brain Dead 13 was, it was a CD-ROM game from the 1990s not unlike Dragon’s Lair. It came out for the Playstation, Jaguar, Saturn and 3D0, and involved moving the joystick or buttons in a certain way in each animated scene or face death. The “story” features Lance Galahad, a computer repair-person gets dispatched to fix a supercomputer at a spooky castle. Then of course, stumbles upon an evil plan to take over the world and gets chased by the henchman of Dr. Nero Neurosis, a hook-handed ghoul named Fritz, and tries to avoid being horribly murdered.
This really does have some horrifying deaths in it so I’m not sure why this was rated “for 6 and up” other than the ESRB must not have actually played this game very thoroughly — they probably saw the cartoony Lance and Fritz and immediately assumed no one would be having their entrails graphically torn out in this game. They assumed wrong — here are 13 of those horrible, horrible deaths.
13) Bat to the Head
I have to hand it to the animators for not only having Lance’s teeth knocked out by a giant bat, but his snot and earwax as well… though maybe it’s his brains.
12) The Last Laugh
Here is a lesson: never laugh too long at a maniacal hook-handed madman who just tripped down the stairs, as he will likely get back up and kill you.
11) Buff Enuff
Vivi likes to beautify people by killing them in her “Funeral Salon”, and has a number of ways to do it. This method includes buffing your head until your skull has that “cleanly dead” shine.
10) Will It Blend?
Fritz has a lot of arm attachments and this particular one can turn lance into a frosty mug of A&W Root Beer! Look how satisfied he is at the end! Now that’s quite the drink.
9) One Thirsty Spider
Shortly after sitting down in Vivi’s barber chair a tiny little spider comes down to say “hello” to Lance, and then shows that he can suck more than any movie George Lucas may direct in the future.
8) A Bit Off the Top
Viv notes that her blade is not very sharp to which the monster behind the mirror (or is it the mirror itself?) uses a much, much sharper blade to slice lance right through the upper torso. Coincidentally they used the same demonstration for the Ginsu 2000.
7) Bugging Out
Upon fighting the colossus in the garden, it does to Lance what many of us might expect to do to an insect that was trying to mess with the crystal embedded in our head… or something. Either way, gross.
6) Must Be Shark Week
Trying to escape Fritz, one wrong move turns you into a modest proposal. Points for Fritz in having a bib designed for such an occasion; it’s the little things that show you have a sense of class.
What happens to Lance in this room is pretty much what I always envisioned is what happened to your track-ball controlled avatar once you lost a game of Centipede.
Lance walks into a room and a ghost with a noose for a necktie simply flies right through him and turns him into Gary Busey. Horrifying!
3) The Ultimate Wedgie
This unfortunate incident occurs as you are fighting Moose, the Frankenstein Jock. Spend too long on his head and you receive a death that will certainly make it more difficult to wear a pair of jeans.
2) Worm Food
This worm digs right into Lance’s chest and just eats his way, horribly and painfully, through to the other side, similar to the experiences one might have while dating.
1) The Eyes Have It
I don’t know how one can tear all the flesh off of a skeleton through the eyes alone, but it sure looks like it is an absolutely horrible way to go.