If, like so many people apparently have since the premiere of James Cameron’s Avatar, you’ve been wondering how you could fuck a blue cat person, do I have some good news for you. Fleshlight is releasing the Alien, or the Avatar/Avatar porn-inspired Fleshlight. It’s a blue flashlight you can stick your dick into. But why should I bother explain it when there’s a perfectly safe-for-work commercial for it?
First of all, let me admit that that commercial is fucking hilarious. Second, I honestly don’t know why the Alien Fleshlight isn’t fuzzy; that would seem to be to be half the reason people want to fuck cat people. Third, and most importantly, if you buy this I hate you and if I could destroy the world in order to prevent people from fucking blue Fleshlights while imagining that were goddamn Na’Vi I would it in a fucking heartbeat. No thanks to all jillion of you who sent this heartbreaking news in.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.