Nerdery, Toys

Warning: If You’ve Purchased a Toy Lightsaber at Wal-Mart Recently, and It Seemed Sticky…

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Obi-Wan_lightsaber-electronic.jpg

…let’s just say I hope you kept the receipt. From the Smoking Gun:

What kind of a guy goes into Walmart, takes a Sports Illustrated
swimsuit issue from the magazine rack, heads to the store’s toy section,
and proceeds to masturbate to completion in the aisle? Meet William Tyler Black.

The 28-year-old Floridian, a substitute teacher, was arrested
yesterday afternoon by Sarasota cops on battery and exposure of sexual
organs charges, according to a probable cause affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find here.

A store employee told cops that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and
wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected
semen on the floor.” Employees reported that Black “discarded the
magazine behind some toys and proceeded to the front of the store.”

A
police source told TSG that the toy in question was a light saber
(apparently of the Star Wars variety), and that the magazine Black used
was the 2010 SI swimsuit issue with model Brooklyn Decker on its cover.

I’m trying to figure out how much this guy failed, but I honestly think I’d need some kind of supercomputer to do the math. Masturbating in a public place — fail. Masturbating in a Wal-Mart — extra fail. Using a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue — pretty faily, but refusing to purchase it and masturbating anyways is a mountain of fail. Then, of all the places in Wal-Mart to go — such as, perhaps, a fucking restroom — he goes to the toys aisle! That’s a failpocalypse right there. And to wipe off his business on a lightsaber? Dude. Come on. Surely there were some Bakugan Battle Brawlers shit nearby that was more deserving of being soiled.

Actually, I think the worst part about all of this is when Black was caught, he claimed he was “looking for a present for [his]daughter.” HOLY SHIT. Were you looking with your erection, you fuck? That’s about the one thing he could say that would actually make this whole thing worse if it were true. I say we give him the chair. Because in the best case scenario, this idiot is clearly too fucking stupid to live. (Via Holy Taco)

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.