10 Nerd Properties That Should Get Porn Parodies


?Oh thank you, planet Earth, for evolving humanity to the point where we have porn based on Batman, Star Trek, and Avatar. Completely legal (if you’re over 18) porn movies that don’t have to have a silly knock-off name (Sex Wars, The Humped Back of Nude Dames, and Harry Palmer and the Sorcerer’s Bone) are long gone, and the man who opened the door for us is director Axel Braun, and his stunningly true-to-the-original porn version of the ’60s Batman TV series.

We happened to Axel about some of his upcoming projects the other day (his porno Spider-Man is starring Electro!), as well as a few of his dream projects — other nerd properties he’d love to make porn parodies of. It inspired me to put together a Topless Robot wishlist of my own! Here’s 10 comics, cartoons, movies and more that would be worth the stigma carrying around of a plain brown wrapper in the mail (although thanks to the internet, no one has to do that anymore).

Warning! None of the images are technically NSFW, but they’re close. Some of you might want to wait until you get home to check this list out.

10) Scott Pilgrim


?Save on the costume budget and spend on the special videogame effects! Porn is made for geeks now, and the movie that celebrates geeks the most is Scott Pilgrim. Base it off the comic too, who cares? You have a bevy of cute girls lined up, plus a hot girl-on-girl scene already written for you when Ramona and Roxie Richter go through “that phase.” Author Bryan Lee O’Malley would have a shit-fit if someone took his popular characters to the mat, but indie chicks and dudes are hot.

9) Fables


?Making a porn out of the Fables comic is fish in a dirty, dirty barrel. You’ll have your Bigby/Snow White scene, Beauty/Beast scene, Rose Red/Boy Blue scene, and your flashback scene where Geppetto gives a little “magic wood” to the Blue Fairy. And there has to be something with Jack taking some nice girl behind the barn on the Farm. I guess you could just make a “fairy tale” porn film, but it’s way more fun to keep the Bill Willingham storyline.

8) Kick-Ass


?Kick-Ass was on Axel’s list of “wouldn’t-it-be-nice-if” projects, but as he reminded me, the film didn’t do as well as we all would have liked. Still, to have a Lyndsy Fonseca look-alike leading your cast, and a definitely legal Hit Girl as well, the porn film might do better than the original. Writer Mark Millar is a right naughty bastard, I’m sure he’s thought of an adaptation of his work before. Hell, he might already have a script written in his spare time!
[Ed’s note: I’m sure some of you are upset about the pic, but since every other alternative was someone having sex with the underage Hit-Girl, deal with it. –Rob]

7) Smallville

?If you want your Superman XXX, it’s coming out later this year, but for us kids who only grew up with the Christopher Reeve films on VHS, skewing younger would be a goldmine. The show is a virtual parade of gorgeous guest stars with a strong cast of both sexes, but replicating the show’s stilted cadence and staring contests would be the best part of the parody. I’d also like to see Tess Mercer knock Lex out after they do it, because, let’s face it, Lex could get knocked unconscious by a stray plastic bag. Somebody saaaaaave meeeeeee!

6) G.I. Joe


?Not the atrocious 2009 movie, but the ’80s cartoon, of course — since the
cartoon’s fans are actually old enough to buy pornography. Between
Scarlett, Cover Girl, Lady Jaye and Jinx, there are more than enough
actual female characters to feature (to say nothing of changing a few
genders, like Resolute did with Dial-Tone). Of course, the real reason a
G.I. Joe porn parody would sell like pornographic hotcakes can
be summed up in one word: Baroness. An entire generation of men has been
waiting to see the Baroness have graphic sex. How long must they wait?


5) Solarbabies


?Anyone remember this dystopian future epic starring Jason Patric and Jami Gertz? Where an evil corporation controlled all the world’s water, and everyone lived in the desert on roller skates? The one that starred everyone from Charles Durning to Adrian Pasdar? Well, it would make a pretty neat sex film, all in the desert like that, where everyone would whore themselves out for a bottle of water. And since almost all porn is filmed in California, finding a desert to film at would be easy! Sadly, no one remembers Solarbabies, and the film would bomb.

4) He-Man

300652 - Battle-Cat Filmation Masters_of_the_Universe Sorceress Teela extro he_man.jpg

?I refuse to believe that someone didn’t produce some low-budget, direct-to-VHS, no box art or packaging version of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe porno in the ’80s (come on, the fake title is right there!). Still, there’s enough fan love to warrant at least some sort of parody film. If they could make three videos with a Sarah Palin look-alike, they should be able to throw some fuzzy pants on a dude and have him sleep his way through Eternia. However, I’d hate to watch a film where a guy with He-Man’s hair was having sex.

3) Manos: The Hands of Fate


?This one is PERFECT. You might remember it as being one of the most painful MST3K episodes ever, but if I had my way it would be a fun-filled sex romp with Torgo, the Master, and the bevy of delightful servant girls! I’m sure the producers of Manos would love to be involved, just to make some cash. No one wants to see dirty Torgo getting his swerve on, but make it some sort of magic whatnot fantasy and you’re all set. As a bonus audio track, throw in some comedians making jokes!

2) The Call of Cthulhu


?H.P. Lovecraft has been the domain of scholars and geeks since the beginning. Sadly, neither of them make porn movies. It’s my belief that there are enough disturbed people in this world who would like to see an H.P. Lovecraft book turned into a porn movie (no, the Re-Penetrator porn crapfest doesn’t count – not enough elder gods). I picked “Cthulhu” because it’s really accessible, but turn “The Case of Charles Dexter Ward” into an ages-spanning tale of boning and mind-burning insanity, or “The Dreams in the Witch House” into some sort of MILF-y thing. Okay, I’ve thought about this too much.

1) Daredevil


?Axel wishes he could do the tale of Matt Murdock, but as he tells it, “I’d love to do Daredevil but the Hollywood version was such a steamy pile of warmth than I believe people would be instantly turned off just by reminiscing about Ben Affleck’s TRAGIC performance, or Colin Farrell’s RIDICULOUS overacting. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I should do that…I doubt it would be worse than the original!” Hey, if there’s one Marvel hero who sleeps around like it’s his job, it’s Daredevil! Well, and also Iron Man, but he’s actually getting a porn parody, coming soon from director Axel Braun!