Inappropriate Nerd Pillow Talk: And the Winners Are…


?This was easily the dirtiest contest TR has ever run. Parents, do not let your children read the results of this contest. Also, if you’re letting your children read Topless Robot anyways, what the hell. That’s fucked up. On with the show!

First, the Significantly-Less-Honorable-than-Usual Mentions:

JesseDeath said:

“it’s just like Beggar’s canyon back home!”

Fizbanthewizard said:

After- *MUSIC when Mario dies, screamed at the top of my lungs*

Sean said:


Kevin said:


RubyRoses said:

“Woogadoo!!” Yes I’d be thinking of Topless Robot, maybe of THE Topless Robot.

Ezkiel Light said:

True Story:
The first time I had sex, afterwards my girlfriend bends down and said, ‘And now you know what sex is like.’
I looked up at her with a straight face and said, “And knowing is half the battle, G I JOOOOEEEEEEE!!!!!!!”

Maximum Rebo said:

As we nerds tend to be rather accepting of other lifestyles, I thought I would do one for our homosexual brethren:
Into the garbage shoot, flyboy!

Rex Manning Day said:

Immediately after climax: “And now I shall go into the West, and diminish.”

Crystal said:

“He slimed me.”

simonsebs said:


Lord Alvarez said:

“Quiet or Papa Spank!”

ZimMan2 said:

All I got is one for doggy style:

Scooter Atreides said:


Callie Nicole Ray said:

Cum with me if you want to live.

Jinx replied to Callie Nicole Ray:

Hubby says, “Live with me if you want to cum”!

DoctorSmashy said:

Ooo mooey mooey I love you!

Jareth said:


FakeEyes22 said:

This is a true one.
Once, immediately after the act, as the laying together and staring at the ceiling started, I waited a beat and with a whistful, pondering look said:
“I love Spider-Man.”
That is not clever at all, but it is certainly nerdy. And I fucking meant it.
And replace “Once” with several times, because the puzzled reaction after the genuine instance was priceless. The fact that opportunities for these repeat offenses even took place is astonishing
I also recommend, immediately after your male “release,” exclaiming “Out of web fluid!” and swiftly plummeting to your “death” off of the side of the bed while flailing desperate “Spidey-hands” up towards your mate. I don’t think I can pull that one off.

The Flash III said:

“Transferring power from the warp core–ramming speed!”

Devlonas said:

So you’re roleplaying Final Fantasy, right, and One Wing Angel is blasting over the speakers, and she’s Tifa, and you’re Cloud, and she says “Oh yes!” and you say “……….”

tasakeru828 said:

? “MOOOOON TIAAAARA… MAAAAGIIIIC!” (Yes, the phrase from the dub, bitches!)
? Said while climaxing during masturbation: “Oh yeah! Nerd news, humor, and self-LOVING!

Vaschon said:

(Before Coitus / After undressing) Ba Weep Gra Na Weep Ninnybong
(After coitus) Wizard needs food badly.

Graysha said:

Before: “Speak ‘Friend’ and Enter”.

Droin13 said:

Team Rocket’s Blasting off again

The Lonesome Lurker said:

The cooldown after your successful nerd-loving: Final Fantasy Victory Fanfare!

GreggoryBase said:

Using your best Darkwing Duck voice
During Foreplay:
“Let’s Get Dangerous!”
During climax:

RedHerring said:

And this is real, legit, grad school nerdery. After my ex-bf shot off I wanted to go another round but he was falling asleep, and so I shouted out “Awake, arise or be forever fallen!” which is what Satan says to the fallen host in Paradise Lost. All time nerd win

MattS. said:

“Call me Han, because I just shot first”

EyeballFrog said:

Oh, what the hell, I’ll go with the all-FFF entry.
? “I see you noticed my milk junkies.”
? “I’m not with my penis now.”

Benne said:

“My drill is the drill that will pierce the heavens!

JeffJefftyJeff said:

“Now THIS is podracing!”

Strel said:

After: “Wow, thats exactly how i used to clean my old nintendo games”

F.Dearg said:

while climaxing, shouted: I’M A GODDAMNED SEXUAL TYRANNOSAURUS!

Krystal said:


MattK said:

Right before sex, once the wife agrees to it: *jump up and down flicking the lights on and off* “WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!”
Right after sex, rolling over: “Push the button, Frank!”

longbowhunter said:

? “That’ll do pig….that’ll do”
? “THIS TOWN NEEDS AN ENEMA” (then tickle her lady parts by blowing into a noise-maker)

Black Alex said:

“Please do not look away from the nozzle.”

machete said:

If you want to see the Dragonzord, you know what you have to do.

Sylvr Ravyn said:

? During sex, constantly say “Now Loading…” If you’re REALLY good, you can give a percentage of progress to completion. And of course, at the end you shout any number of things like “Download Complete!” or “Program Loaded!”
? And if you guys like to get REALLY freaky, she can go “disk 1 of # finished. Please insert disk #”.

Ominouri said:

And if you want to fuck with your partner’s sexuality for the rest of their lives, look deeply and unblinkingly into their eyes and say:
(Slowly at first) There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There’s no knowing where we’re rowing
Or which way the river’s flowing
(Speed up) Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
(Faster and harder) Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing
Are the fires of hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes, the Danger MUST Be Growing
‘Cause the Rowers Keep on Rowing
(While retaining eye-contact) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
*climb off, pull chocolate bar out of nowhere, proceed to eat*

The Amazing Rando said:

My wife Jamie hates this joke, but I like to use the Mumm-Ra line…
“Ancient spirits of evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra The Ever Living!”

Hollywood Black said:

I’m gonna make this pencil disappear… Ta-daa! It’s… it’s gone

Grimmie and Jacen said:

Ok, so the two of us are an actual real, heterosexual, R/T couple, and (as terrifying as it is) these are some things we actually have said to each other during intercourse. Pretty much exactly at that “special” moment. That we are still together is probably and act of God or something.
1. (Grimmie to Jacen) Pew! Pew! Pew!
2. (Jacen to Grimmie) Oooo… Velociraptor love tabasco… (He didn’t get sex for about a week after that one.)
3. (Grimmie to Jacen) Fuck me Jacen… fuck Mommy…
If we win, we’re fighting over custody of the shirt.

Joshua said:

One Time I had a bit of a…um…. misfire in her eye and she responded with her favorite saying for when she’s really angry “who’s responsible this?”

Marjorie said:


And now for the winners.

KingOfDoma said:


What I like about this one is that while a lot of these entries would probably just confuse non-nerds, Harry Potter is pervasive enough that just about anyone would understand what you’re shouting and be absolutely horrified. I also like that fellow nerds would be upset that they only earned 10 points.

Sarcastic Samurai said:

“I have ridden the mighty moon worm.”

Mostly for girls on top, but a Futurama quote — an insane Futurama quote yelled by former Vice-President Al Gore at that — has to be one of the most inappropriate things one can exclaim during sex possible.

Nojoy said:

“This is gonna take crackerjack timing, Wang.”
“We really shook the pillars of heaven, didn’t we, Wang?”

No entry made me laugh harder than these — the fact that anyone who hasn’t seen Big Trouble in Little China will have to assume you’re talking to your (or his) penis makes this so, so inappropriate, and so, so goddamn awesome. If Ms. Robot wouldn’t cut me off sex for the next 20 years, I’d use these tonight. Or try to, at least.

Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered. If you were scandalized by this weekend’s contest — I know I was, and it was my idea — rest assured the next contest will be a totally innocent subject… which you all can make filthy and perverted as usual, but it won’t be my fault.