Superhero Valentines: And the Winners Are

ken valentine.jpg

?I actually tried for a bit to get the results of this weekend’s Superhero Valentines contest up yesterday, so that people could read Valentines on Valentine’s Day. Then I read through the entries and realized how fucking wrong most of them were and decided it would probably be better for all of our consciences if I held out until Tuesday morning as per usual.

Of course, that wrongness made them fantastically entertaining to read, and I had a hell of a time picking my favorite two out of so many horrible, horrible entries, as you’ll see. However, that did mean extra Honorable Mentions, so we might as well start with one in particular — Ken, who made up this lovely little Valentine commemorating the time the supervillain Dr. Light raped the Elongated Man’s wife Sue Dibny. In terms of wrongness, it’s pretty much par for the course, so consider yourself warned.

You know, I don’t think I can even call these things Honorable Mentions this time. Let’s just call them Mentions.

Sean said:

I love you *this* much!
*picture of a refrigerator wide open*
-Kyle Rayner

Arsenal said:

To May Parker
From Dr. Otto Gunther Octavius
365 days in a year
7 Months with 31 days
All I can think of is how much nicer the world would be if May came twice this year.

Doc said:

Cable to Rob Liefeld:
(outside)You’ve captured my heart
(inside)…and probably put it in one of these pouches.

sayten said:

To: Frank Castle
From: Frank Castle
Forever alone.

RandyZ said:

Theres a fever going round lately,
don’t you think you could use a little more iron in you?
Happy Valentines
Love, Tony

deepcr0w said:

To: Hank Pym
From: Janet
“Bee Mine”

fishman2020 said:

To my Invisible Sue,
Roses are red, violets are blue
Nothing makes me melt more…
Than watching my dong while I’m pounding you.
Your Fantastic Reed

Scortia said:

To Max Lord:
I cho-cho-choke you.
-Wonder Woman

Siege77 said:

Dear Abby,
Roses are red;
Violets are blue.
This Valentine’s
Your veggies eat you.
Swamp Thing

Troutwine said:

To Ellen,
Seeing you
always makes me
Love, Man-Thing

SpiderHyphenMan said:

My Dearest Mary Jane,
Goblins are green,
Symbiotes are black,
I’d love you forever
But Quesada’s a hack
-Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man

ThePirateStar said:

To Aquaman
Despite your lil fish, you are still a whale of a lover

Black Alex said:

In Brightest Day, in Blackest Night,
I’m not letting you out of my sight.
Although you may not think it’s right,
Let’s do it in the butt.

BallsMonkey said:

To: Maxwell Lord
You’re so fine, you blow my mind
Love: Ted Kord

Thunderpants said:

From: The Governor
To: Rick Grimes
I don’t want anybody else
When I think about you
I touch myself
I don’t want anybody else
That’s why I keep your hand nearby

Movie Meg said:

From: Ch’p
To: Squirrel Girl
Squeak squeak squeak! Squeak squeak

SketchyJames said:

Dear Peter Parker,
Through all the years I’ve known that you and I were meant to be. Through thick and thin I was always your girl.
Love, Mary Jane Watson
P.S. JK It’s Mephisto

Lincoln Paradox said:

From: Peter Parker
To: Gwen Stacy
I hope that you’ve fallen for me as hard as I’ve fallen for you, because loving you is a SNAP!

Chris M said:

From Rorschach:
To Humanity:
With all the accumulated filth of all their sex and murder that will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll whisper “Happy Valentine’s day.”

Carnivorous Bee said:

From Captain Marvel:
“S” is for the wisdom of Solomon
“H” is for the strength of Hercules
“A” is for the courage of Achilles
“Z” is for the power of Zeus
“A” is for the stamina of Atlas
“M” is for the speed of Mercury
The “!” is for my penis.
Have a marvelous Valentine’s Day

arivalscientist said:

To: Alicia Masters
I am rock hard for you
From: Ben Grimm

theholyfx said:

From Uatu the watcher – What if… You were my Valentine?

tooDrunktotasteChicken said:

TO: eLektrs
FROM: darefrvil
gAOOy cAlemtine;d [email protected]

Jacen said:

From: Wolverine
To all the comic books, I want to be in you.
Love, Logan.

Fanboy said:

To: Ant-Man
From: The Atom
I’m doing your wife on the period of this sentence right now.
Happy Valentine’s Day!

Cookies4Otakus said:

To Pepper
“I [Arc Reactor] U!”
Valentines baby!! XXX
p.s I’ve been drinkin

FireThunder said:

White Queen,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
Let’s bone on the grave of my dead wife.

White Knight said:

From Larfleeze
To Everything

AlgusUnderdunk said:

Squirrel Girl to Speedball:
“I’m nuts over you!”

Giant Man to Wasp:
“I’m nuts over you.”

hollowedout said:

Judge Dredd To Typical Mega City One Citizen
5 years in an isocube for public display of affection.

JTtheConqueror said:

Hoping ones from A song of Ice and Fire count… they are getting a comic soon
Cersei Lannister to Jaime Lannister:
The Stag’s away
The Lions should play
(open card)
the play is fucking

Joe_Spence said:

From: Dr. Manhattan
To: Laurie
Front: This February 14th, I wanted to tell you…
Open: That our love is the result of the emotional response your synapses give you when we are in a close proximity to each other.
From: Dr. Manhattan
To: Janey Slater
I’ll love you until the end of time
Time being a relative idea that I perceive differently to you, so I guess I should say that I’ll love you until I actually nail Silk Spectre II, like I’ve seen in the future.

Hellhound said:

From Speedball to Squirrel Girl:
Hey Valentine – how about you let me store my nuts in your mouth?

R3MY said:

To: Barbara Gordon
Girl, your arms must be getting tired . . .
. . . because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Love, Dick Grayson

GreggoryBase said:

From Gambit to Rogue:
“I don’t want anybody else
When I think about I think
about you I touch myself…
…because that’s pretty much
the only option.”

Blue Bebop said:

To: Kitty Pryde
From: Colossus
So…are you canologically eighteen yet? Cuz immigration’s just lookin’ for a reason.

sjcloudxiii said:

To: Sam “Cannonball” Guthrie,
“I would have boned you.”
From: Marrow

See what I mean? All right, here’s the winners.

blargh said:

Dear Sally,
Know what’s funny? You didn’t see me coming.
Happy Valentines Day,
Eddie Blake

A Valentine about the Comedian that the Comedian would love. That, my friends, is well and truly fucked. I read this entry, laugh, creep myself out, and then laugh again. It’s like a Mobius strip of inappropriate humor.

stewbacca said:

Dear Barbara–
I hope you are sitting down for this–
Happy Valentines Day…
The Joker.

Read in the Arleen Sorkin voice
Dear Roomies,
Ivy can tie me down-
And give the fanboys what they want-
Come on Selina – take that whip
And stick it in my
—dramatic Pause
Happy Valentines day…

Certainly stewbacca’s second entry was the Reader’s Choice, thanks to it being both cute, reasonably in line with Harley Quinn’s character, and then being incredibly filthy, too. That stewbacca also wrote a horrible Batgirl valentine is just icing on the cake of wrongness.

Congrats to the winners, and thanks to everyone who entered, as always. And remember, if you laughed at any of these, you’re probably a terrible person.