Inappropriate Sci-Fi and Fantasy Books for Lil’ Nerds: And the Winners Are…

?Guess I should have clarified things a bit more, huh? This weekend’s contest was kind of a mess in that somehow, many people got so excited about making naughty children’s book titles that they forgot the whole “sci-fi and fantasy” angle. Oh well. Plenty of you got it, as the HMs and winners show. Before we begin, I’d like to give a special HM to simonsebs, who kicked off the contest with “The Throbbit,” and Zombie Wolfman, who was so inspired he made the above book cover (look closely, and you’ll see Bilbo is riding a dildo. Alliterative!). Hit the jump for the rest… 

Honor and mentions, not necessarily in that order:

Paul Shepard said:

Twilight: Dickwolves

Stuntman Mike said:

The Andromeda Stain

Brian Brown said:

I went with classics re-worked. *cough*
? Rendezvous In Rama
? Fahrenheit 69
? In Drag, Riders of Perv

PCF said:

Children of Gor

Coconut Monkey said:

Are you there Darkseid? it’s me Big Barda.

Dr. Abraxas said:

? I, Flesh Light: My Na’Vi Adventures
? Tuesdays with Palpatine

skrag2112 said:

Wonka’s Willy Is Stuck In The Chocolate Factory

Izandra said:

Piers Anthony’s Incarnations of Immorality
Susan Cooper’s The Cock is Rising Sequence

Sean said:

? Sue Dibny and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
? Where the Man-Things Are
? The Last Unicorn Visits the Glue Factory
? My Teacher Is an Alien, and We Have Sleepovers
? Nick Fury, Agent of NAMBLA

DCD said:

The Chronicles of Hernia: The Heavy Sumbitch Wardrobe

Zak said:

Childhood’s Rear End

Murphy’s Law said:

? World War KidZ
? A Boy and His Puppy

unicyclops said:

? The Dragonprance Chronicles
? The Lion, the Witch, and the War Crimes Tribunal

Rose Tyler said:

? Thongfather, by Harry Thatchett
? Green Itch, by Susan Cooter
? Ender’s Shame, by Orson Scott Hard
? The Palms on Your Wood: A DIY Guide, By Throbbin McKinley

JTtheConqueror said:

Stranger in a strange man

kopi said:

The Bobbit or There, cut off, and back again

scurvy said:

A Connecticut Hooker in King Arthur’s Court

DoctorSmashy said:

? I Have No Mouth And I Must Consume A Healthy & Balanced Breakfast
? The Smurfs In World War S

Arachnophobe said:

Good Night, Cthulhu: A Touch and Feel and Scream book

Timmeh said:

Pussy Waxin’ and the Olympians: The Titan’s First

EvilTwinCarruthers said:

Sluthouse Five by Kurt Vonnegirth

Lightbot said:

? A Brief History of the Time I Banged Your Mother
(This may be advanced reading, but you did say lil’ *nerds* )
? Analmorphs #1: The Invasion

Exovel said:

Pawn of Puberty

arivalscientist said:

? “Fisters Of Dune”
? “Two Towers: One Cup”

Spacegrass said:

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass Cabin

Jinx said:

Your Mom is a Harsh Mistress

mrm1138 said:

Screwmanji

Hailinel said:

The Neverending Orgy

Menshevixen said:

The Book of Threesomes (Alexander)

WillyD said:

I am Legend… In Bed

Autobot Hot Shot said:

My Humps, My Humps, My Lovely Lady Goosebumps

Chyromaniac said:

Stieg Larsson’s How To Train Your Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

Melody said:

“Mars Needs MILFs”

Scooter Atreides said:

HP Lovecraft’s: There’s An Elder God At The End Of This Book!

Bumpy said:

? Star Trek Fantastic Cross-sections: James Doohan
? Tarzan the Ape/Man Aficionado
? I Like to Watchmen

MeGrimlock MeKing said:

Curious George and the Legend of the Overfiend

Martian Winds said:

“Rip Spacesuit, Will Splatter.”

Risico said:

Four fish, Eight fish, Fifteen fish, Sixteen fish, Twenty-three fish, Forty-two fish, Red fish, Dharma shark

Booster’s Tower said:

Where the Cenobites Are, By Maurice Sendak

Mothshade said:

? In a Pale Arse by Piers Anthony
? Nine Penises in Amber by Roger Zelazny

louieatrest said:

The Restaurant At The End Of Your Liberal Arts College Education

Just Another Mike said:

Wikipedia Brown the Case of the Semi-Protected Article

It was damned hard to pick the HMs, so it was damn near impossible to pick out the winners. I wish I had some criteria for why I chose these as the winners, but really, it’s just that they made me laugh most.

Dixie Cyanide said:

Stranger In a Strange Van

There were a lot of Stranger in a Strange Land entries, but this was my favorite — subtle, not overtly dirty, and still beyond wrong.

Caitlin said:

The Very Hungry Human Centipede

I had intended for sci-fi and fantasy titles to be altered, but of the children’s books that were altered to be sci-fi/fantasy and inappropriate, this was my hands-down favorite, for reasons with should be obvious.

Sorry if there was any confusion about the contest, but I’ve still got plenty of shirts to give away, at least. Congrats to the winners and thanks to everyone who entered. And if you guys have any contest theme ideas or requests, be sure to let me know in the comments.