?Well. That was something. On the plus side, this weekend’s Nerdy Character Pick-Up Lines contest got well over 1,000 entries — sure, not all of the 1,100+ comments were entries, but most comments had several entries in them, so I feel pretty safe in estimating over 1,000. On the negative side, THERE WERE OVER 1,000 ENTRIES, and I had to blow my entire extra day off reading and judging them. Truly, this weekend’s contest was a double-edged sword that took the life of my long weekend.
Oh well. At least the entries were amazing. I ended up having to crown four winners, just because there were so many superb entries, and you’ll notice more HMs than usual, too. If you’re weren’t selected, please, don’t be concerned — the competition was fierce, and there was a shit-ton of it — I had to be incredibly discriminatory, and like I said, I still ended up with four winners. Now let’s begin, shall we?
Is that a bunch of Honorable Mentions in your pocket or are you j– Hmm? They’re just Honorable Mentions? My apologies.
? HULK NOT SMASH!
? Cersei Lannister: When you play the game of thrones, you win or die. There is no middle ground… except between my legs.
? Miss Scarlet: In the kitchen, me, with the candlestick. (hard to put in proper game order)
? Transformers Armada’s Tidal Wave: Did you want to see how many seamen I hold?
? Prince Colwyn: You want to see my Glaive, it’s legendary.
Darth Vader: Who’s your daddy?
? The Tenth Doctor: Oh come now, darling. Think of it like this – they’re just big balls of wibbly wobbly timey wimey…stuff.
? Bizzaro: Bizzaro not want use body then forget name in morning and never call. You not trust Bizzaro.
Kavok: You! The one who is moving now! Would you like to experience bij? ANSWER THE QUESTION!
? Kenshiro: “You have already orgasmed.”
? The Flash: “Hey Baby..aeuhdfisbdufidjbgi DONE!”
? Navi: “HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN HEY! LISTEN love me.”
? Captain America: Hello, my name’s Steve, I would be honored if you’d join me for a rave, what I’ve been told is this era’s equivalent to the sock hop.
? Tony Stark: I think you need some more iron in your diet
? Hector Hammond: Hey babe, would you like a little head? So would I!
? Taskmaster: Just so you know, I can mimic any action I’ve ever seen, automatically, and I’ve watched every movie John Holmes ever made. Lesbian porn too.
Snake Eyes – *points to crotch, then to sword, measures size with hands, makes thrusting motion, then explosion motion, then gives thumbs up*
? Alyx Vance: I’m not hearing a no, Gordon.
? The Grinch: My heart wasn’t the only thing that grew 3 sizes that day.
“Wanna see me perform some love craft?” – Cthulhu
Spider-man: Your name must be Gwen, because it looks like you’re falling for me.
Jamie Lannister (holding his sword): This is not the Kingslayer. The Kingslayer is my penis.
Darkwing Duck – I don’t have a condom. Lets. Get. Dangerous!
The Amazing Rando:
He-Man: I have the power! Do you have the time?
? Mr Freeze: What killed the dinosaurs? My penis.
? Leonidas: THIS! IS! MY NUMBER!
Wolverine: I’m the best at what I do and what I do is bitches.
Gregor Clegane: How’d you like to climb the Mountain?
? Paul Atreides: “The sleeper has awakened!… The sleeper is my penis.”
? Reverend Mother Gaius Helen Mohiam: “Put your hand in the box. Start with two fingers.”
? Flash Gordon: I’ll make you sing my theme song. Oh yeah.
? Gaius Baltar: Either way, simply for having met me you’ll be frakked. May as well try and enjoy it?
SpongeBob SquarePants: “You know, my dick also functions as a contraceptive…”
Darth Vader: I’m more machine than man now…sex machine that is.
Cobra Commander: I. WAS. A MAN! *zippp* I STILL AM!
Clarence Boddicker: Bitches, stay!
? Professor Oak: Are you a Boy or a Girl? ‘Cause either way, I’d like to teach you about BREEDING…POKEMON STYLE!!!!
? Shinji Ikari: How would you like to spend the next 5 minutes with me on top of you, crying about how my Dad doesn’t love me, and calling you “Mommy”?
? Kratos: I’d like you to take part in my button-timed sex minigame, IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN?!!!
Any My Little Pony: *just shows butt*
Ford Prefect: Good thing I brought my towel.
Brooke: “Wanna bone? Take your pick, I’ve got 206 of them! YOHOHOHOHO”
“Want to taste the Rainbow?” -Rainbow Bright
the tick: “well, i thought you could come back to my place for some intense blue superhero action, and then we could just lie in bed together all night and SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!
The HMS continue after the jump.
? Ros the Prostitute: I’ve got the rockin’ titties if you’ve got the expository monologue, baby!
? Jareth the Goblin King: I’m David Bowie and I’m wearing these pants!
Shuma-Gorath: Did someone order a one-eyed-monster?
It’s mulching time! -Groo the Wanderer
Smurfette – Smurf of it this way. I’ve smurfed my way through the whole village, so I know how to smurf my smurf well and I’m still tighter than anyone you’ve ever smurfed.
Let me smoke a cigarette and then I’ll be ready for a relaunch. – DC Comics
Superman Prime: “If you turn me down, I’m just going to punch my way into all the other Earths until I find the version of you that doesn’t.”
Duke Nukem: Wanna be my dead-eyed, awkwardly animated, horribly voice-acted, two-dimensional stripper?
The Doctor: “Want to do it inside my wife?”
Joker: Wait til you get a load from me.
That Was Not Very Raven of You:
Aragorn: So, what’s a nazgul like you doin’ in a place like this? (note: say this out loud)
Spider-Man – with great power comes you, repeatedly.
Hodor: Hodor hodor hodor. Hodor hodor.
Cume-a hume-a veet me-a tuneeght und stur my better, iff yuoo knoo vhet I meun. Bork bork bork! (tosses champagne glass) -Swedish Chef-
Heero Yuy: Wing Zero showed me the future, and you were part all of the possible outcomes.
Cave Johnson: Let’s just say it will be a huge success. It’ll be hard to overstate your satisfaction.
Commander Keith: Hey baby, let’s go back to my place. We can form Voltron. I’ll form blazing sword, and you can form… the head.
judge doom: don’t you remember me, when I sucked your cock, it sounded just like this!!
Commander: “you MUST have plans baby, cause I’m about to tear your ship apart!
Starfire – “Greetings. Perhaps, we could retreat to your place for the knocking of boots, though I’m not sure what slapping footwear together has to do with sexual intercourse.”
Captain America: Greetings, citizen! In honor of Independence Day, how about you…help me raise the flag?
Charles T. Arthur:
Final Fantasy Male Leads:
? Firion: Hey, got a friend? I can dual-wield…
? Onion Kid: I can equip any Job… but my favourite is Hand.
? Cecil: I’ll try not to get my Darkness Wave in your hair.
? Locke: Don’t worry. Your clothes will be off in no time. *selects Steal*
? Tidus: This is MY story… and I’m writing you in as a Mary Sue.
? FFXI PC: lol u got nice tits a/s/l
And now for the winners! You’ll note that they all have more than one supremely awesome entry, which is why I consider them the best of the best and I lvoe them.
? The 4×1 line block from Tetris:
What’s this? A hole 1 block wide and four blocks deep? Baby I’m gonna hit that so hard we’ll disappear from the fucking universe!
? Reed Richards:
Me and Sue have an understanding. Part of that understanding is that if you end up naked and in my bedroom she may or may not be watching.
? Emperor Palpatine from the Clone Wars CGI movie to Asaji Ventress:
It’s time to execute order Sixty Nine!
? Richard Rahl from the Sword of Truth series:
(after delivering a 2 hour speech on the virtues of selfishness and individualism)
So now you can clearly see how the two of us fucking would serve a greater good can’t you?
? Kaneda to Kaori from Akira: Quick, let’s fuck before we get turned into white people.
Greggory had 100 entries, and this is just a small selection. The Akira entry made me expel fluids from my body. I’m not telling which.
? Deadpool: Hey you! Yes, you, the person reading this right now. Wanna make out?
? Deadpool: I’ll show you my little yellow box if you show me yours.
MadmanBlueBox’s two entries earned the unquestioned Reader’s Choice award. Not that I always do a Reader’s Choice award, but when there are over 1,000 entries and that many people “like” his entries… well, he deserves something.
? Charlie Brown’s teacher: Wah wah wah *gestures towards genitals* waaaah.
? Darkness (from Legend): I… am… … horny. *raises fists to ceiling in rage* HORNY!
? Willy Wonka: You can suck ’em and suck ’em and suck ’em and they’ll never get any smaller.
? Rorschach: *not saying anything. However, his mask does a variation on the ‘finger pokes through circle made by other fingers’*
? Yoshi: *says nothing. Licks his eyebrows with his tongue*
? Teddy Ruxpin: *slips in a Barry White tape, hits play.*
For my money, the single best entry of the entire contest is AlgusUnderdunk’s Rorschach entry. All his other great pick-up lines are just gravy.
Sum Ellis Ock:
? Soundwave: *Transforms into tape deck and plays an 80s Mix Tape*
? Man-E-faces: I can be a Man, A Monster or a Robot… in Bed
? Captain N: Ignore the Regular NES Controler on my belt… True Gamers prefer to use the NES Advantage below it…
? Link: *pulls out Ocarina and plays the chest opening/treasure obtained song then he pulls down his pants*
? Phoenix Wright: I want you to HOLD IT! I know you’ll have no OBJECTION! against Anal and you will TAKE THAT! up your ass and love it…
? Dr. Mindbender: Ah, why do they call me Mindbender you ask? Because of this! *points at crotch* It can blow your mind once you wrap yourself around it!
And for the most consistent match of quality and quantity, it’s gotta be Sum Ellis Ock. Seriously, his entries make me want to dress up like these characters and use his lines, that’s how awesome they are.
And that, my friends, is that! Congrats to the winners and thanks to everyone who entered. And thanks to me, for blowing my vacation days and reading your shit and giving you out free t-shirts. What a great fucking dude I am, really.