?Between ComicsNix and the return of Garfield, Bane of the British Monarchy, Fan Fiction Friday has been kind of… enjoyable recently. Fun, almost. As we all know, that’s not the point of FFF — it’s to remind we nerds that, no matter how good we seem to have it now, that there is still a portion of nerd-dom that is awful and will always be awful. So in order to “recalibrate” FFF, I’ve chosen a fic sent to me by Topless Roboteer Silent Orosco, which was written by a gentleman named Deathstalker… the same gentleman who wrote “Lara Croft on Cannibal Island.”
Jill Valentine had made it into the back yard area of the Spencer Mansion.
She’d been quick enough with her shotgun to take out the three zombie
hounds that had leapt out at her almost immediately after leaving the
house. After that, things seemed to grow relatively quiet. There were
no zombies outside, it seemed, and no other dogs had sprung out at her
yet. She traveled through a garden and reached a murky pool filled with
leaves, moss, and algae.
Investigating the area and looking for a way across the pool without
having to actually swim through the disgusting looking water turned up
a crank to the left of it. Turning the crank, the water started to
drain out of the pool, revealing ladders and a walkway. Jill smirked,
enjoying her good luck. She moved down the ladder, careful not to
slip on the slick, rusted metal. She moved across the platform and up
the second ladder to the pathway on the other side.
To the right was a dead end so she started towards her left. She’d only
taken a couple steps when something slithery fell onto her shoulders.
Jill twisted her head to try and see what it was and came face to face
with a snake. She let out a gasp as it hissed at her. She tried to
shake it off, but as she did, it struck. Its fangs buried into the
young woman’s right cheek and she let out a cry, slapping the snake off
of her. It fell to the ground and let out an annoyed hiss. Jill put
a hand to her cheek, feeling warm blood dripping from the wound. She
wondered how poisonous the snake was.
Yeah, this should get things back to “normal.” So to speak.
Before we continue any further, let’s just get this out of the way:
Now, please continue.
Before she was able to think very long about the snake, Jill felt twin
pin pricks in her leg. She let out another cry and looked down.
Another snake had bitten into her calf. She kicked it away from her
only to have yet another one drop onto her shoulders again. Before
she could react to the new threat, more and more snakes appeared.
Dropping from the trees above, slithering up from the semi-drained pool,
uncurling from shadowy corners, all headed straight for her. She felt
bite after bite on her legs and then her hands as she swung them at the
The single snake that was on Jill’s shoulders still latched onto her
neck. As it turned out, the snakes weren’t incredibly poisonous by
themselves. But enough bites together had a cumulative effect. And as
many bites as Jill was receiving, she was quickly feeling lightheaded.
She dropped to her knees, her mind growing foggy, then fell over onto
her side. Some of the snakes still bit at her, now over more of her
body. She felt them sink their fangs into her thighs, back, arms, tits,
and ass. Her clothes were becoming stained with specks of blood from
all the little bites. Finally, she felt them stop biting her, but by
now she was too weak to move.
I’ve goddamn had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ dame!
Even though she didn’t feel their bites anymore, Jill could still feel
their long bodies sliding against her’s. They seemed to be exploring
every inch of her body, nudging at it in places. One of the snakes
by her neck found its way into her shirt and she felt its scales start
to rub against her sensitive breasts. She mumbled something about
having to stop the snakes, but that was all she could do. Her body
felt paralyzed. The snake in her shirt started coiling around one of
her boobs, squeezing it. More and more snakes started nudging at Jill
and it wasn’t long before she slid over onto her back. Her half-lidded
eyes looked straight up. She could see the moon through the branches of
the trees. Her eyes widened a little as she made out even more snakes
in the branches.
All Jill could do was lay there as the snakes slithered over her weak
body. Their fangs dug into her clothes, creating little, bloody holes.
They seemed to be moving with purpose and as Jill started hearing the
sound of tearing cloth, she realized what that purpose was. She felt
the cool night air start to flow over her bare stomach as the snakes
worked their way at tearing her shirt apart. Jill felt even more
snakes start trying to force their way into her pants. As the rest of
her shirt was ripped open, more snakes started to coil around her tits,
squeezing them tightly. She felt a few snake tongues flicker over her
nipples, and they tightened into hardness. Jill let out an involuntary
moan, but quickly clamped her mouth shut. She felt her face grow warm
as she blushed in embarrassment.
Really, Jill? You’re embarrassed that your clothes are being taken off by snakes? Not dismayed, perhaps? Or horrified maybe?
Jill tried to lift her arms up to push the snakes off of her but she
had no strength left. The snakes at her pants pushed harder and harder
at the waistband until they finally managed to force their way inside.
Some of them moved over her panties and against her smooth thighs while
others found their way inside the soft fabric of Jill’s underwear.
More snake tongues started to strike at the young woman’s shaved cunt.
Jill let out another moan as a few tongues found her clit. This time,
she didn’t close her mouth fast enough and the tail of one snake moved
into her mouth. She gagged on the slithery thing that pushed deeper
down her throat and tried to force it out to no avail.
Bill the Snake: “Hey, Steve.”
Steve the Snake: “Hey, Bill. How’s it snakin’?”
Bill the Snake: “Good, good. I didn’t think you’d make it out to the raping tonight.”
Steve the Snake: “Well, I didn’t think I was gonna, but my wife ended up with a cold so we didn’t end up needing a sitter.” Bill the Snake: “Well, I’m glad to see you.” Steve the Snake: “Man, Charley’s really going after that vagina.” Bill the Snake: “Well, he’s a single snake, after all.” Steve the Snake: “You said it! Man, the wife doesn’t mind me biting a few ladies, but if I came home with vaginal lubricant on my tongue, she’d choke me to death.” Bill the Snake: “Hey, you’ve got it easy. I can’t even bite their tits anymore or my old lady gets jealous.” Steve the Snake: “…” Bill the Snake: “…” Steve the Snake: “…this shit used to be a lot more fun.”
More and more snakes were dropping onto Jill, covering her body. They
slithered over her breasts and worked their way into her pants. It
wasn’t long before the strain from all the slithering creatures caused
the fabric of Jill’s pants to tear. The trousers followed the woman’s
shirt into useless, shredded cloth. Her panties were also stretched
and eventually torn off. Jill was getting goosebumps from the cool
night air and the equally cool skin moving all over her’s. With her
pussy now totally exposed, it wasn’t long before one of the snakes dove
its head deep into her. The shock of the penetration elicited enough
strength out of Jill so that she arched her back and tried to struggle,
but the burst of power was short lived and nowhere near enough to beat
the snakes back.
What kind of snakes are these that’s they’re so into sexual assault? Are they North Dakotan Vaginacrawlers? Rapeconstricters?
The snake in Jill’s snatch probed deeper, enjoying the warmth and tight,
“I may be suffocating myself, but at least it’s in a pleasantly temperate environment.”
Jill let out a muffled scream as the snake sank its fangs
into her inner vaginal walls.
?NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I do not care for that. I can’t even imagine how you ladies must feel. Story time: I once stuck my dick in an oscillating fan. Not on purpose, mind you — but I’d taken off the fan cover to improve the air flow, and it was the middle of the night, it was dark, I’d gotten out of bed half-asleep to go pee and I’m kind of clumsy anyways… suffice to say, it was exceedingly unpleasant. And yet I’d rather stick my dick in a fan several dozen times rather than have a snake bite my penis. And having a snake bite someone on the vagina — from the inside — sounds markedly worse than that.
The scream opened her throat, which
allowed the tail to drop even further down. It started chocking her.
A combination of choking and shocking her, I suppose?
Jill knew that if she didn’t find some sort of inner strength to fight
these fiends off, that she’d end up being killed by them. She concentrated
as hard as she good on gathering together the last bits of strength she
possessed and with a final effort, rose into a sitting position and
began to push the snakes away. She grabbed the one that was in her
mouth and pulled it out, coughing hard. Jill turned onto her hands and
knees and tried to push herself up, only to have her arms give out
underneath her. She smashed down onto the slick cement, her tits being
squished under her. It wasn’t long before her upturned ass slowly sank
back down to the ground as well. That was it, she was out of energy.
Bill the Snake: “That was weird.” Steve the Snake: “Huh? What do mean, Bill?” Bill the Snake: “Well, you see how she just tried to get away?” Steve the Snake: “Yeah, so?” Bill the Snake: “Well, don’t they normally do that earlier?” Steve the Snake: “Huh. I didn’t notice, but generally, yeah, they do.” Bill the Snake: “Really, once we start taking their clothes off, these ladies realize their about to get snake-raped, and that’s enough for a little burst of energy. But this one… Well, Charlie’s already chilling in her vagina.” Steve the Snake: “Hey, yeah. It’s like the snake rape thing didn’t really concern her at all.” Bill the Snake: “…” Steve the Snake: “…” Bill the Snake: “Maybe we need a new hobby, Steve.”
The slithering reptiles had been temporarily thwarted but as soon as the
woman was back on the ground, they once again started swarming over her.
Jill was broken and beaten and she knew it. She didn’t even bother
putting up a fight as she felt the snakes slither over her legs and
lower back. One fought its way between her half-spread legs and dove
into her moist pussy again. Others slid over her arms, coiling around
them and squeezing tightly. Another dipped its head into her panting
mouth and pierced her tongue with its twin fangs. Still more managed
to move under her and coil around her breasts, licking and biting at her
hard nipples. Her entire back was covered in the animals and she could
feel them weighing her down. Jill didn’t think there was anything more
they could do to her, until she felt a snake tongue dip into her butt
crack. The woman’s eyes widened as the snake started to work at her
Steve the Snake: “Maybe you’re right, Bill. I just don’t enjoy these rapings as much a–“ Bill the Snake: “HOLY SHIT.” Steve the Snake: “What?!” Bill the Snake: “Oh my god, look at Jeff!” Steve the Snake: “What do yo– WHAT THE FUCK.” Bill the Snake: “Is he… is he trying to crawl in her asshole?!” Steve the Snake: “Oh my fuck, yes. Yes he is..” Bill the Snake: “JESUS. That is so. Fucked. Up.”
Jill was amazed that the snake was able to actually able to fight into
her rectum, but it did. She felt the length of it start to travel up
her bowels, almost parallel to the one in her cunt.
Steve the Snake: “HOLY FUCK, HE DID IT.” Bill the Snake: “How?! How did he do it?! He’s a snake! He doesn’t have any goddamn leverage!” Steve the Snake: “How? What about why? His head in in that lady’s ass! On purpose!”
Fangs bit into the
sensitive flesh of the inside of her ass. Another muffled scream came
from Jill. All the poison being pumped through her bloodstream was
catching up to her and her brain soon fogged over. She stopped
comprehending that she was being violated by serpents. All she knew
was that she was being penetrated by phallic-like things. She stopped
holding in her moans of pleasure as the snakes caressed her body. She
wantonly started to suck on the snake in her mouth and thrust her hips
as best she could against the one’s in her nether regions. It wasn’t
long before her body went over the edge and she was gushing cum all
over the snake in her pussy.
If the snake drowns in Jill’s vagina I quit. I just quit.
Jill’s thighs twitched in ecstasy and as waves of pleasure flowed over
her, she drifted into unconsciousness. As she lay there limply, the
snakes continued to molest her body. The one in her pussy kept forcing
more and more of itself into her body until the last bit of its tail
slipped inside her. The snake coiled itself tightly together inside
the woman’s womb. The snake up her ass tried to do something similar
but found that it couldn’t fit, so it yanked its head back out. The
snakes continued to slither over Jill for a while before they decided
to move her body. They worked her body on top of them and carried her
back towards the mansion.
Jeff the Snake: “Hey! Hey guys!” Steve the Snake: “Oh my god, it’s Jeff.” Jeff the Snake: “Steve! Bill! Did you see what I did?!” Bill the Snake: “(sighs) Yes we did, Jeff. You crawled in that girl’s asshole.” Jeff the Snake: “Wasn’t it awesome?!” Bill the Snake:”Not even slightly, Jeff. It was fucked up. It was weird and it was gross and it was totally, totally fucked up.” Jeff the Snake: “But–“ Steve the Snake: “But nothing! You stuck your head in her anus!” Bill the Snake:”Why would you do that, Jeff?” Steve the Snake: “And now you kind of smell like poop.” Bill the Snake: “Jeff — and I say this as a member of an entire community of snakes that like to rape people — you’re a freak. And you do smell like poop. Get the fuck away from us.” /Jeff the snake slinks away Steve the Snake: “…” Bill the Snake: “…” Steve the Snake: “We definitely need a new hobby.”
When Jill woke up, her entire body was sore and she felt bloated. She
blinked her eyes, groggily and looked around. She was amazed to find
herself back in one of the rooms of the mansion. She looked down at
herself, seeing that she was totally naked with the exception of her
boots and a few strips of cloth sticking out of them. She pushed herself
to her feet, swaying a bit as a wave of dizziness struck her.
Not that any of the above was particularly pleasant, but if you’re feeling kind of squeamish about what’s happened so far, DO NOT read any further. Seriously. It’s not going to go well.
looked down at herself, noticing that her belly was distended quite a
bit. Hesitantly, she placed a hand on her gut and pushed a little.
As though she had pressed a button, she immediately felt a mass of
swirling movement inside of her. She gasped and dropped back to the
ground, her legs spread. She watched in horror as a large snake began
to slither out of her cunt. It was long and thick and covered in her
juices. With a ‘pop,’ the snake exited her body. Shortly after, another
one began to push its way out of her. She watched in horror as four
more snakes slithered out of her.
She’s like a Play-Doh Fun Factory, just more snake-y and vagina-y.
As the snakes moved off into the room towards a fireplace, Jill felt
herself growing sick.
Really? This is the point where Jill feels slightly unwell?
She turned her head away from the creatures that
had recently been inside her and threw up on the wooden floor. She
wretched and coughed for several minutes. She didn’t notice the loud
slithering noises until they were right upon her. She turned and let
out a scream as she came face to face with a giant snake. It hissed at
her, flicking its tongue over her face. Jill fell back and started to
push herself away from the enormous snake, which was still halfway
inside the fireplace. Her head darted around, looking for a way out and
she spotted a door on the other side of the room. She pushed herself
up and started to stumble towards the door.
Finally, being the master of unlocking was going to pay off big time!
Jill didn’t make it halfway there when a great force struck her in the
waist and she was lifted into the air.
Enh, never mind.
She looked down and saw that
the snake had bitten her. One of its giant fangs had sunk into her gut
while the other was embedded in her upper thigh. The icy cold pain
shot through her body and she cried out in agony. The snake dropped her
and she fell several feet back to the ground. Jill felt her leg snap
as she landed and screamed. She looked up at the snake, tears streaking
down her face. With lightning speed it coiled around her and began
rubbing against her body. Jill was already starting to feel the snake’s
poison burn into her. The wounds were becoming discolored and swollen
and radiated with heat.
The huge snake dipped its head between Jill’s legs and lapped at her
pussy a few times, tasting her juices. After a few more laps, it pulled
its head back and started to coil around her again, tightening around
God forbid the snake kill her without sexually assaulting her first. What a goddamned shame that would be.
The snake forced her into a standing position as it coiled,
squeezing her firmly. It wrapped around her chest, pressing her breasts
together. It stopped when only Jill’s head was sticking out of the
mass of snake and looked down at her, hissing. Jill looked up at the
snake, helpless, with tears coming down her cheeks. The snake’s mouth
opened and lowered over the young woman, engulfing her head. It forced
her up into its mouth and began to swallow her alive. Jill felt her
body start to slide down the snake’s gullet. When she was halfway
inside, the snake lifted her up and tilted its head back, letting her
kicking legs slide all the way inside before closing its mouth and
speeding back towards the fireplace.
Jill could feel as the snake slithered. It was surrounding her so
tightly that it was almost like a second skin. She was forced further
and further along the snake’s body until she was deposited into its
stomach. She immediately felt the snake’s digestive juices start to
burn her. She cried out in pain and worried about how long she’d suffer
inside the snake. Luckily for her, the snake considered her body
obtrusive. Once it had returned to its nest inside the walls of the
mansion it went about rectifying the problem. The snake’s incredibly
powerful muscles tightened even more around Jill. She felt the pressure
started to crush her body.
Oh, I’m sorry, did you think this was going to have a happy ending? Well, for anybody other than the snakes?
She felt bones snap like twigs and screamed
in agony. Internal organs were also mashed and blood came spewing out
of Jill’s mouth. One of her eyeballs popped out, followed closely by
some of her brain mass as her head was crushed. Jill was dead in
moments and her body reduced to little more then mush that the snake
went about digesting.
The end! I hope none of you enjoyed that, because if you did you’d be a horrible, horrible person. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to superglue all my orifices together.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.