?Let me be clear: This is not just an erotic fan fic starring Thomas the Tank Engine. It’s a 3,681-word erotic fan fic starring Thomas the Tank Engine — who I should remind you is a fictional train, with a face on the front and no gender characteristics, who happens to be the star of a show aimed almost exclusively for children in pre-school. It’s also written by a gentleman who calls himself TrainMaster64 — a bad sign by itself — who happens to have written 18 other fan fics in the Thomas the Tank Engine world, many of which are also erotic, but then many of which aren’t. One of the “erotic” ones is over 40,000 words.
Yep. All aboard!
Thomas held Rosie close to him in the quiet of the empty Steamworks.
He had suggested that he and Rosie spend the night there, to give her
the chance to relax. Rosie had refused at first, but relented when she
realized that Thomas only wanted to help her to relax, and to help her
forget her torment for one evening.
“Thomas…” Rosie whispered to him, “… I love you so much… you’re just so good to me…”
don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with,” Thomas said
quickly. “We can just talk, if you want, or we can kiss if that’s what
you want – I just want you to relax tonight. I want you to put
everything aside for tonight, and relax.”
“Oh, Thomas… let’s talk first, then.”
“All right, Rosie. What do you want to talk about?”
“How much I love you, and how much I want to kiss you.”
Did I mention the trains were in love? So at least the preschool fictional train fucking will be more than casual sex. I’m sure the creators of Thomas the Tank Engine appreciate that.
began to kiss Rosie, with great care and sensitivity. Rosie blushed as
she moved closer to Thomas, reveling in his soft touch upon her. He was
so kind and caring, never being too rough or too gentle – he was exactly
perfect for her. She loved how he kissed her, and held her close to her
– he truly loved her, never wanting to let her go – and she never
wanted to leave him.
You know, I’m often baffled about the subjects people write erotic fan fics about, but I admit, this shit just blows my fucking mind. Imagine Thomas the Tank Engine kissing another train — they’re essentially just rectangular blocks with faces. It’s one of the least erotic things I can think of. At least when people write shit about things like Rugrats — as awful as that it — they’re humans. Even erotic fan fic about Tiny Toons or Angry Beavers at least stars creatures with a pulse. And even Transformers have arms, legs and crotches. These are trains. They don’t have genitalia. They don’t even have any goddamn limbs. What the fucking fuck.
Soon, Thomas began to kiss her more
passionately. Flushing, Rosie kissed him even harder – she was feeling
herself needing to kiss Thomas, to hold him even closer and to kiss him
with such forceful passion. Very carefully, Rosie ran her tongue across
Thomas’ lips; Thomas opened his mouth and let Rosie’s tongue dart
inside. She was blushing profusely, but completely lost in her love for
For a while, the two were simply kissing each other with deep
passion. Rosie emitted a faint moan of longing when Thomas broke off;
this was amplified when Thomas kissed her cheeks and brow very sweetly
and delicately. He was making her feel nothing but pure love and
adoration of him – which was exactly how he felt about her. Thomas was
only interested in making sure his love was content and enjoying the
The amount of thought this man has put into Thomas the Tank Engine kissing another train is just absolutely terrifying.
Rosie’s eyes fluttered open. Dimly, she noticed that
Thomas was moving her backwards towards the lift. She knew what Thomas
was about to do… and she decided she wanted something else from him
instead. “… Thomas… stop… please…”
“This… is… exceedingly… weird…”
Thomas stopped, looking at Rosie with love and concern in his eyes. “What’s wrong, Rosie? Don’t you want me to do this?”
“More than anything, my Thomas… it’s just… I want you. I want to taste you first, Thomas – let me please you first.”
Oh, goddamn it.
Thomas was as red as James, realizing what his love meant to do. “Oh, Rosie… I really… I wanted to do this… for… you…”
was now inches from him, her eyes hungry and her face full of intent.
Thomas licked his lips nervously; Rosie was driving him wild inside. All
his arguments against this had melted away as he gazed at his love.
“Do you want to help me, Thomas?” Rosie breathed; Thomas now trembled as his love looked him directly in the eyes.
Yep, nothing helps cheer up women more than letting them give you a
blowjob. It’s nice to know the same hold true for trains, too.
“Do you want me to be distracted, Thomas?”
“Yes,” Thomas whispered.
“Then move backwards to the lifts, Thomas. Drop your fire. Let me love you.”
pushed Thomas backwards towards the lifts; clearly she was intent upon
her goals. Thomas blushed as his love kissed him with passion, holding
him close and slipping her tongue past his lips again, intertwining them
in a passionate dance of love.
“Drop your fire, Thomas. I want you to enjoy this…”
obeyed, captured spellbound by Rosie’s eyes. He was slightly shaking as
the lift began to raise him skyward. As he went up, he could feel
himself becoming exposed to Rosie – his internal workings were revealed
to her as he sat upon the lift, perpendicular to the ground. He couldn’t
help but blush, feeling his face burn – though it was nothing like the
inner fire that had been developing within, and was now burning bright…
OH MY GOD. I’m just going to assume that the lift here is not specifically a blowjob machine in the twisted Thomas the Tank Engine world of the author’s head, and just one of the regular lifts that shows up in the show and toys to help the trains change tracks and move cargo and shit. Which means Trainmaster64 literally sat down and thought to himself, “Boy, I’d sure like to imagine the trains of Thomas the Tank Engine having sexual relations with each other, but how could they access each other’s genitalia in a way that is true to the world of this pre-school TV show about trains? Why, the lifts, of course!”
There is something infinitely more depraved and wrong here than if the author had just pretended that the trains could blow each other without figuring out a logical explanation for it. It honestly makes me want to cry and drink gin until I pass out in a puddle of my own vomit, just to make the nightmare stop.
simply stared at Thomas, revealed to her in all his glory. Thomas was
familiar, yet strange; there were many places on him that she knew she
would spend time upon. The most important of these was his steam port, a
nozzle-type device pointing down to where the ground would normally be.
This, she knew, was the place where excess steam would be drained to
help relieve boiler pressure – every steam engine had such a place; hers
was an open hole on her own underside.
“Why, Thomas wouldn’t have a penis; that would be absurd! He’s a train! But what penis-like protrusion of his could Rosie suck that would give Thomas sexual pleasure? Think, Trainmaster64! If a train really could be male, and really could fuck other trains, what would he do it with? What?! … Why, a steam nozzle, of course! God, I’m a genius. You know, if the creators of Thomas the Tank Engine wanted to include graphic sex in their show for pre-schoolers — and I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t — I bet they’d have the exact same idea. Great minds think alike, after all, especially about imaginary train dicks.”
In that instant, Rosie
knew what she was to do. Delicately, she touched Thomas’ port with her
tongue, flicking it once. Thomas groaned, trembling – though he had been
trembling from the beginning. Rosie couldn’t help but smirk at this.
“Thomas… you’re so beautiful…” Rosie whispered to him. “Are you scared, my Thomas? You’re shaking.”
“I can’t help it,” Thomas shuddered, “you’re just so amazing, Rosie. Have you ever done this before?”
“Well, they used to call me the Blowjob Express back in train high school.”
but I think I know exactly what you need… do you want me to do this?”
Rosie gently stroked Thomas’ port with her tongue, making him moan and
“R-Rosie… mmm… d-don’t stop…”
licked Thomas’ port as if it were an ice-cream, making Thomas quake;
Rosie was very good despite her inexperience. Her tongue swirled around
him, surrounding him and making him moan with pleasure. It was clear
that Rosie was giving Thomas immense satisfaction and pleasure as she
continued to work upon him.
Then, Rosie stopped for a moment.
Thomas was about to ask her why she had stopped, when suddenly he felt
something cool and wet drizzling onto his port. He shuddered violently
as he realized Rosie was gently drooling onto him, soaking him before
she proceeded to lick it all away. Moaning louder than ever, Thomas
could not believe how sensitive and powerful Rosie was upon him.
You know why she’s drooling on Thomas’ non-dick? BECAUSE SHE IS A TRAIN AND SHE HAS NO ARMS OR HANDS.
“… oh, Thomas…” Rosie murmured, “… how turned on are you? How do you feel… because… I’m so wet right now…”
“Oh, Rosie… don’t stop, please… you’re just too good…”
do you think of, Thomas, when you’re turned on? Do you think of me,
sucking you off? Do you imagine me tasting you? Do you think of me,
covered in you?” Rosie’s voice was thick with seductive tones; she knew
what this would do to Thomas and what this was doing for herself as
Thomas’ mind was flooded with impossible images of Rosie
underneath him, her lips sealed around his port and sucking deeply, her
eyes big and sparkling with love and lust; suddenly, Thomas moaned in
absolute pleasure. Rosie was making his dream come true.
This is truly the most romantic, erotic story about one train giving another train a blowjob I’ve ever read.
gently wrapped her lips around Thomas’ port, delicately applying
pressure to him as she caressed him with her tongue. She could taste
Thomas on her tongue, absolutely loving the way he tasted to her. As
Thomas shook and writhed, she kept licking him inside of her mouth –
soon, she began to taste something different… something very different…
By the way, do you not know what Rosie looks like? Have you not been imagining the erotic visage that’s currently working on Thomas’ “little engine that could”?
Honestly, if I saw that thing coming for my dick I’d start screaming and never stop.
was seeing stars from the pure pleasure Rosie was giving him. “Ah…
Rosie… you… I’m going to… mmm…” Suddenly, Thomas felt something rising
through him, too fast for him to control. “ROSIE!”
surprised by Thomas’ cry – then she felt Thomas begin to spray his
fluids into her mouth. At once, Rosie backed up, caught off guard –
Thomas cried out as he released himself all over Rosie. She was
absolutely covered in his juices, with some still in her mouth. Thomas
was helpless to do anything more than shake feverishly, wailing as he
Dripping with Thomas’ juices, Rosie felt very
different. This was a completely new feeling – it made Rosie feel a
burning desire deep within her. Never would she have imagined that she
would be here, covered in her love’s fluids, and wanting more – she
loved this feeling, in a deep way. She loved Thomas more deeply than she
could possibly describe, and she was sure he loved her just as much –
he could never love her more than she loved him.
Yeah, nothing makes a girl feel at peace with the world more than a face full of semen. That’s exactly how that works. And what fluids are thes? It’s Thomas’ steam port; is it water? Oil? Coal? Is it just cum? Did Trainmaster64 fail to think of a reasonable liquid for a fictional train to shoot out of its faux-penis during fellatio? SIR, I DOUBT THE VERISIMILITUDE OF YOUR ROMANTIC PRESCHOOL TV SHOW TRAIN BLOWJOB STORY. And you were doing so well, too.
At that point,
Rosie knew she had to deal with the fluids in her mouth; tentatively,
she swallowed them down. At once, a very strange feeling came over her;
she began to feel weak-wheeled as she realized she had swallowed Thomas’
juices. Even more intense was the feeling that she liked it; she liked
having him in her mouth and wanted to have him again.
“… Thomas…” Rosie said tentatively, “… I want more, Thomas… I want to taste you again… I need more…”
“Sorry, baby. Once I ‘pull into the station’ it’s at least 30 minutes before departure.”
Thomas trembled as he felt Rosie’s warm breath upon his port. “… Rosie… y-you’re… oh, Rosie – OH! AH!”
had applied her lips to Thomas once again, this time beginning to suck
harder and deeper than she had before. She caressed him with her tongue
again, trying to coax him into giving her more of his juices. She needed
to feel them slide down her throat, needed to taste them and savour
them again. As Rosie raked Thomas’ port with her teeth, she felt him
writhing from her touch.
Oh, good. My one problem with the above blowjob scene is that it was just too short. Let’s have another one!
“AHH… ROSIE! You – OH! MORE! PLEASE! You’re so, SO GOOD! OH!”
hummed softly as she continued to suck upon Thomas; Thomas wailed as he
shook. His modesty was the least of his concerns – Rosie was making him
feel so incredible. The image of Rosie in his mind, coupled with the
intense sensations she was making him feel, was threatening to overpower
him. “… R-Rosie… I’m going to… you…”
“I know,” Rosie murmured to
him as she licked him. “I want to taste you, Thomas – I want you. Give
me everything you have, my love…” Then, Rosie moved as close to him as
she could, taking as much of him as she could. Nearly gagging, Rosie
swirled her tongue all around his port, tasting him and sucking deeply.
OH MY GOD THESE ARE GODDAMN TRAINS STOP DESCRIBING THEM DEEP THROATING EACH OTHER AAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH
one cry of pleasure, Thomas released himself into Rosie’s mouth. Rosie
began to swallow as much of Thomas’ fluids as she could, swallowing in
perfect rhythm to his release. The taste was unlike anything Rosie had
ever experienced before – it was unique and special, just like her
Thomas. She loved it.
I guess you could say Thomas was…
/puts on sunglasses
…coming like a freight train.
Determinedly, Rosie kept swallowing,
ignoring the dizziness that came with the knowledge that Thomas’ fluids
were pouring down her throat, moving through her. Rosie gulped down
every drop that Thomas gave her, and then proceeded to use her tongue to
clean up any remaining traces left over. Had she been aware of her
love’s reactions, Rosie would have noticed Thomas bucking and writhing
upon the lift as Rosie cleaned him with her very sensitive tongue.
Inside, Thomas’ horrified passengers were thrown violently about, shattering limbs, spattering blood over the seats and window, and killing the elderly and the children outright.
Rosie backed away, letting Thomas come down off of his high. Thomas was
still trembling even after he hit the ground, breathing heavily and
moaning softly. He looked so cute in Rosie’s mind… then she remembered
how she had swallowed every drop of his juices, and reconsidered; Thomas
was more than cute. He was her love, and he had turned her on.
on the other hand, simply thought Rosie was hot. There was nothing else
for it: she was absolutely incredible, and their love for each other
was absolute. Rosie was perfect.
Perfect = Proactive about giving blowjobs and then swallowing
She was also gazing at him with such burning lust and longing in her eyes that it made Thomas weak-wheeled.
If I could punch a sentence in the dick it would be “it made Thomas weak-wheeled.”
“Thomas,” Rosie breathed, moving ever closer to him as she spoke, “do you know how you tasted?”
“… would you like to?”
“Not even slightly. Actually, I know you don’t have any hands, but if you could figure out a way to brush your teeth now, that would be great.”
kissed Rosie deeply and passionately, his tongue moving inside her
mouth to meet hers. Thomas caught the taste of… he recognized his own
fluids upon Rosie’s mouth as he kissed her, tasted himself inside of
her, and knew that Rosie had truly swallowed every drop he had given her
– and she had loved it. The thought nearly made Thomas wish he were
back on the lift, letting Rosie have even more of the juices he knew
would release upon her slightest touch, so turned on was he.
And the Snowball Express delivered its load on time that day.
was past pink, having turned a dark shade of crimson. She was terribly
aroused, and now in need of release – she needed Thomas’ touch upon her
to truly make her evening complete. She wanted Thomas to make her come
to him, to release everything else from her life except that one
As Thomas carefully moved them backwards, never breaking their kiss, Rosie knew she would get her wish.
“… drop your fire… hold on tight…”
What is this “drop your fire” nonsense? Is “fire” like “pants” for trains? What the fuck is going on?
“… not yet, Thomas… kiss me…”
and Rosie simply kissed each other deeply, intense in their passions
for one another and not willing to let the other go. Their tongues
swirled inside each other’s mouths as they kissed each other,
passionately giving themselves to each other. Thomas kept kissing Rosie
until he was sure she was ready to stop.
The two broke away, and
gazed into each other’s eyes with pure love and trust. Rosie was
blushing deeply, looking at Thomas with a burning desire – she needed
him now. “… Thomas…”
“I know, my love. Just hold tight…”
Hold onto what? SHE HAS NO ARMS OR HANDS
felt herself rising up on the lift, felt herself becoming more exposed
to Thomas and somehow felt his eyes looking her all over. Rosie blushed
deeper, if it were even possible; she somehow liked the fact that Thomas
was seeing her revealed to him like this. Trembling from anticipation,
Rosie felt herself growing wetter and wetter – she knew what Thomas was
to do with her and she wanted nothing more than for him to do it.
gently licked Rosie’s underside, moving slowly down and kissing her as
he went. Rosie moaned, trembling as Thomas moved carefully along her
underside, giving special care and attention to her in as many places as
he could. There was no doubt that Thomas was making Rosie feel so very
So you know how when people have sex in movies and TV shows, they show a train entertaining a tunnel to imply it? When happens when you see a train actually enter another train’s vagina on screen? Do they show hardcore vaginal intercourse? Food for thought. And when I say food, of course I mean scotch.
“That’s it, my love… just relax… let yourself go… moan for me, Rosie… come to me…”
T-Thomas… you’re… so, SO good…” Rosie whimpered as Thomas missed her
port, moving near it but never touching it directly. “Eat me, Thomas,
please… I’m so wet, Thomas…”
“Trust me, Rosie… I know what I’m
doing…” Thomas murmured; then, without warning, he nipped at a certain
place on Rosie that he knew would make her even more aroused. Rosie
yelped, but began to moan as Thomas licked and kissed it feverishly; he
was taking great care to make sure Rosie was not hurt, only wanting her
to feel pleasure before satisfaction.
I hope Thomas remembers to…
/puts on sunglasses
…mind the gap.
Thomas drifted his tongue
across Rosie’s underside, kissing her and making her shake. Rosie
whimpered as Thomas deliberately circled around her port, but did not
reach it – he was not ready for Rosie to release herself yet. He wanted
her to enjoy this, wanted her to thoroughly enjoy her release when it
came. In the meantime, he continued to kiss Rosie’s underside, making
her wail as he came upon certain spots underneath her.
moaning with pure pleasure, and a firm desire for release. Thomas was
being so thorough, so detailed in his ministrations upon her – she was
trembling as she tried to keep herself controlled. Whimpering, she shook
as Thomas’ tongue began to move ever closer to that sweetest of spots
within her. “… T-Thomas… mmm… y-you’re going to… make me… m-make me…”
oh, Rosie… are you going to orgasm already? It’s okay, Rosie… you can
do it if you want to…” Thomas murmured to her; Rosie whimpered as she
struggled to maintain control of herself – Thomas’ voice was low and
seductive, driving her wild. “… you can come to me, Rosie… should I turn
you on even more?”
God, I hope he isn’t heading to the caboose.
“Thomas,” Rosie gasped, trembling, “p-please… I really need to… oh…”
it, Rosie. Let yourself go. Let me get covered in you… let me taste
you… soak me with your juices, Rosie… I want to make you orgasm so hard
“Thomas, please! Eat me! I – it’s too much, Thomas! Please – AAH!”
had gently begun to lick Rosie’s opening, tasting the liquids leaking
from her port. Rosie wailed as Thomas carefully moved his tongue inside
of her, savouring her. He dipped his tongue inside her again and again,
lapping up her fluids with great care and sensitivity.
Rosie… you taste so, SO good… won’t you come to me, Rosie? Let me taste
you some more,” Thomas murmured, licking her port and beginning to eat
her out. “I want you to… cover me… soak me, my love… I want you dripping
off of me…”
Now imagine it covered in vaginal lubricant. IF I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT YOU DO TOO
Suddenly, Rosie began to lose control. The images of
Thomas, thoroughly covered in her, combined with her intense feelings of
inner heat and passion, overpowered her at last.
“T-THOMAS! I’M – AAH!”
Thomas had promised, Rosie screamed as she released herself. Thomas
began to suck directly upon her opening, drinking her fluids deeply and
reaching deep into her core to lap up her juices. He could taste her
upon his tongue as he lapped up all of her fluids, reveling in the way
Rosie was bucking and writhing, struggling to release more of the
tension that he had built up inside of her.
Rosie was in a state
of ecstatic pleasure – she felt herself releasing her orgasm, felt
Thomas drinking it up, and screamed as she came even harder. Thomas was
just too much; he had built Rosie up with his teasing on purpose, purely
so that her climax would be big and powerful. At that moment, though,
Rosie could not care – all she knew was that her orgasm was tearing
through her with extreme force and making her oblivious to all else.
“Well!” said Thomas slyly. “I didn’t know I’d be making a stop in Tuna Town today.”
“Don’t cheapen this,” hissed Rosie.
Thomas was not finished yet – he groaned into Rosie as he continued to
lick her port, making Rosie scream as she came again. Rosie bucked and
shook, trying desperately to let herself go completely – she just felt
too good inside. Thomas kept eating Rosie out, smirking as he felt Rosie
orgasm again and again.
“Come on, Rosie… you can come to me… let it out… soak me…”
“AAH! THOMAS! AAH! I’M – I’M GOING TO – OH! AAH!”
Seems like this author…
/puts on sunglasses
…has a one track mind.
last, Thomas backed off. Rosie was carefully lowered back to the
ground, shaking as she went. She was trembling, feeling weak-wheeled
from her multiple orgasms. Breathing heavily, she saw Thomas smiling
gently at her – all he had upon his face was pure love for her. He had
pleasured her, had allowed her to pleasure him, and had made her feel so
very good inside. Everything he had done, he had done for her.
Especially the letting-her-give-him-blowjobs part.
began to tear up, to Thomas’ surprise. “Thomas… thank you,” she
whispered softly, kissing him sweetly. “Thank you for doing this for me.
I needed this. I needed you.”
“I love you, Rosie. I’ll always be here for you – you know that.”
through her tears, Rosie kissed Thomas gently on his mouth, slipping
her tongue inside and joining them immeasurably. Thomas felt her tears
on his face as she kissed him, blushing as she kept giving herself to
him completely. Rosie needed to feel her love holding her, needed to
keep him as close to her as possible, to rid herself of the memories
that consumed her.
“It didn’t work, Thomas… I still remember them…” she whispered to her love, upset.
“You’ll always remember them, my love. Never forget them. Just remember the good times, instead of the bad.”
Thomas – the memories… my brothers… gone… the memories hurt so much…”
Rosie shivered slightly as she remembered, tears silently falling down
her face. “I miss them all so much.”
WHAT THE FUCK. This is all because… Rosie’s train brothers are dead? First of all, fuck you Trainmaster64 for writing 3,600 words about Rosie the train trying to forget personal tragedy through oral sex. Second of all, fuck you for writing about Rosie’s train family being dead in the first place. YOU’VE JUST WRITTEN ABOUT TWO PRESCHOOL TV SHOW TRAINS SUCKING EACH OTHER OFF. YOU DO NOT GET TO PRETEND THERE’S SOME SORT OF PATHOS IN THIS HORRIBLE ABORTION OF A STORY YOU FUCKING MANIAC.
“They’d be proud of you,”
Thomas said quietly. “They’d be proud to know how well you’ve done.
They’d be proud to know you’re so strong and brave – and that you’re
still being so strong for them. They’d love you as much as I do.”
“Yes, you were so strong and brave when you were blowing me. They be so proud to know how you swallowed all my train juices. They’d have been pleased as punch.”
shook as she wept, words failing her as she cried into Thomas’ embrace.
She knew that she was strong, and brave – but she still loved that
Thomas was always there for her to hold onto and support her. As she
cried, Thomas whispered words of comfort to her, never letting her go
and always being there for her. Holding her, he kissed her brow and kept
her close to him until she had fallen asleep.
The end. Also, AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH.
This one hurt. The subject, the bizarre attempt to keep it “realistic,” the fact that someone could and would willingly write about two Thomas the Tank Engine trains performing oral sex on each other but still have the ability to write complete sentences on a computer as opposed to drawing crude pictures of trains fucking with his own shit… it hurts. It hurts my soul. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have a train of thought of my own, and that thought is “drink myself to death.”
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.