Today’s FFF will be a little weird, and not just because it’s based on a fairy tale and not something more recent. See, I’m running out of erotic fan fic stories in 1500-3000 words range, which is the optimum size for me to make fun of and you to read. Anything longer, and it gets infinitely tougher on me, but emotionally, and to make fun of. Also, I’m of the opinion if you’re writing a story that has no point other than two underage cartoon characters raping each other, there’s no point in it being over 3,000 words anyways.
So today’s story is just a reasonable portion of a longer, 6,000-word fan fic from TheKinkFairy. You can read the whole thing here, but — well, here’s how it starts, and maybe you’ll see what I mean:
The young prince was a wonder to behold; to his parents he shone like
the sun–a brilliantly clever young man with the courage that bore his
lineage, a fierce comprehension of the world he knew, and the
understanding that he would one day be responsible for all that lay
To his tutors, maids, and servants he was a patient boy who took the
time to analyze any problem he was handed and come up with a plausible
solution, and a kind master who never took advantage of his privileged
birth and obvious social power.
To his subjects he was something of a romanticized figure. Every young
girl and boy wanted to come to know the young prince and he became a
coveted jewel to their imaginations. Every little girl sent him an
imaginary invitation to her latest posh tea party or sophisticated
soir?e. He was the head of every boy’s military and orchestrated epic
battles in the span of neighborhood alleyways, or he was included in
their hunting games as they rode birch branch steeds in pursuit of the
rogue stag that looked strangely similar to the butcher’s German
The young prince shone in every man, woman, and child’s heart as a
glimmering piece of pride and happiness, except for the old crone who
lurked on the outskirts of the kingdom; the happiness that the young
prince inspired in the people around him made her want to retch and
curse the very Gods that conspired to create such a loathsome creature.
In time she devised a plan which would rip the prince’s future away from
him and tarnish him so that no other human would ever again look upon
his countenance and smile.
In summary: Everybody loved the goddamn prince. Really, we got that in the first paragraph — all the rest were just redundant. So I’m going to skip past the 1,000 words or so of the several bad dreams the Prince has, and we’ll begin again after the jump, when he has the dream where he gets raped by a frog.
Again: For several thousand more words the prince has been having bad dreams. Now he’s having another.
The prince found himself walking through a dark wood; the sparse sun
beams that flitted through the full branches barely illuminated his path
through the forest. The trees soon became thicker and the path
disappeared in the brush and debris of the forest. The prince was forced
to delve into the deep recesses of the wood and forge his own path
through the bushes and timber. He suddenly felt his foot give way
beneath him; his arms went out in a frantic attempt to steady himself
but he was already falling into the deep unmarked well that had somehow
appeared under his delicate feet.
His screams reverberated against the walls of the well and taunted him
in grim mocking echoes of his pathetic cries as he fell endlessly into
the darkness. His body twisted as he fell and his limbs scraped against
the sides of the well, his silk shirt and skin ripping away with the
force of his body grinding against the rough stones of the well. His
body was at the mercy of the stone well, the wind, and gravity itself
all playing with him as if her were a child’s doll. He soon felt the
inevitable approach of the end: he sensed that the bottom of the well
wasn’t far and though it was out of sight in the complete darkness the
scent of the air changed. The air was thick and wet deep in the well;
moldy, putrid, and suffocating. He knew there had to be water in the
bottom of the well, he only hoped that it would be deep enough to
cushion his body and not shallow so his body would be broken and lost in
If I were a guy who actually enjoyed reading erotic fan fics, I think I’d be even
more annoyed than I am already. “Lady, you’ve set the goddamn scene. Let’s get to the frog-fucking.”
He took a painful gasp of tainted air before the final impact; his arms
and legs had been rendered useless through contact with the wall. His
body was already wracked with pain and as he hit the frigid water with a
smack he knew what agony was. The shock of the impact made him open his
mouth and scream, sour water entered his mouth and nose, burning the
soft tissues inside his nose and behind his eyes, He writhed and twisted
his body and used the little strength he had to kick and tread the
disgusting water, his head breached the surface and his ragged gasping
breath was the only sound echoing in the darkness of the horrible well.
Is there really a dirty water fetish? I guess someone has to have one, right?
After a time he was able to breathe easier but the grim circumstances of
his situation made him start to whimper and cry. His tears cleaved a
path through the putrid film of rotted water and leaves on his face and
his sobs echoed against the stark walls around him. Everything seemed so
hopeless and bleak and he was coming to realize that he was going to
die there when suddenly there was a ripple in the water that was not
made by his limp body. Panic seized him as he looked in the direction of
the rippling water and saw something emerge from the dark miserable
depths of the well. His eyes were wide with fear as he realized that he
wasn’t alone in the darkness; a creature was making its way towards him.
The scarce traces of light from above were reflected in the creature’s
large, glowing yellow eyes.
And that creature… was Martin Lawrence in his Big Momma fat suit. The horror!
He screamed and the creature disappeared in the water. With the
remainder of his strength he launched himself towards the wall and
pressed himself against it in an attempt to get as far from the creature
as possible. This only made it easier for the monster to get to him–he
felt its presence getting closer and closer. He felt its legs come to
rest on the wall on either side of his hips, its long cold arms resting
above his shoulders on either side of his head. His body quaked with
terror and disgust, his eyes were shut tightly and his face turned as
far away from the creature as possible. It was looking at his beautiful
face and he heard a wet slippery suctioning sound as it licked its slimy
lips with its long pink tongue. It leaned closer to the prince’s face
and smelled his hair and skin; it let out a breath and what could only
be described as a frog’s laugh. Its breath smelled worse than the putrid
water and the prince shivered with disgust.
I was about to make a joke about how the Prince shouldn’t expect frogs to brush their teeth or use breath mints, but then I remembered this frog is about to rape the Prince, so maybe wanting to hold it to a reasonable standard or oral hygiene isn’t the craziest thing ever. I mean, if this frog is going to rape people, there’s no reason it can’t take care of its breath, too. Sure, it’s going to force itself sexually on the Prince, but it can still be a little considerate here.
The giant creature which the prince was convinced must be a frog leaned
closer and extended its long sticky tongue to trace the prince’s collar
bones and neck, savoring the way the prince squirmed and writhed beneath
it, letting out another frog laugh against the prince’s unblemished
skin. The frog pushed itself closer to the prince, its long powerful
legs coming to encircle the prince’s hips in a crushing grip. Its long
slimy fingered hands caught the prince’s delicate ones as he tried to
wrench away and held his arms firmly in place over his head. The frog
grinded its hips against the prince’s as it bit down on his neck,
sucking the prince’s soft flesh into its cold wet mouth. The prince
screamed, which only made the frog suck harder on his skin and leave an
angry red mark where there had once been cream colored skin. The prince
whimpered and begged the frog to stop, unsure if it could understand him
or if it cared.
Well, it being a giant frog, I’m going to guess no on both counts.
In savage tugs the frog removed the tattered silk shirt that still clung
to the prince’s frame and with its dexterous feet pulled the prince’s
trousers off his slim hips. The prince was seized with a new fear and
made a desperate attempt to evade the frog’s feet, only allowing the
frog a better angle to rip his trousers free from his flailing legs. The
frog croaked with satisfaction as its slippery feet explored the smooth
skin of the prince’s hips and legs, resting firmly on his buttocks and
massaging their softness with his slimy suctioning feet and toes. The
prince cried and gave in to the inevitable, going limp against the wall
and the slimy frog.
Call me crazy, but I don’t think there’s any point where I’m about to be raped by a frog where I would just give up and call it “inevitable.”
The frog, satisfied with the prince’s acceptance of
his grim fate, set out to explore the prince’s body with its sticky
tongue. It sucked and licked every crevice of the prince’s body,
relishing how the prince twitched or shook as it licked a particularly
sensitive spot with its tongue.
Sounds like someone likes to do it… /puts on sunglasses …froggy-style. YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
Soon it submerged itself in the cold
water and explored the prince’s most private places with its sly tongue.
When the frog attempted to pry the prince’s legs open to get complete
access to his most sensitive spots the prince resisted and cried out in
utter terror, but the frog simply croaked menacingly and wretched the
prince’s body away from the wall, pulling him under the water and
pressing down on his slim chest and back. The prince struggled to break
the surface and breathe but the frog was relentless, and only let him up
for air after he ceased struggling against the frog’s advances.
So we’re all really reading about a frog raping a prince. I just want to make that abundantly clear. This is how we’ve all chosen to spend our Friday afternoon.
The frog let him surface and pressed the prince against the wall so his
chest and face were pressed against the cold stones. His soft chest and
nipples lightly scraped against the rough wall as the frog explored the
prince’s back and buttocks with its slippery fingers and long cold
tongue. The prince whimpered as the frog’s tongue slipped between the
cheeks of his arse and licked the circle of sensitive muscle that was
hidden between the pale globes.
Generally in fairy tales, when you kiss a frog it turns into a prince.
But what happens when a frog kisses a prince? Specifically, what happens
when a frog tongues a prince’s asshole? Does the Prince’s anus turn
into another prince?
The prince was confused and scared;
So am I, for the record.
one had ever touched him there and the sensations that the dexterous
tongue were inciting in him were shocking. He soon felt a heat pool in
his crotch despite the cold water around him, and he moved against the
light pressure of the frog’s tongue in curiosity, testing the sensations
it created in him and gasping in surprise as it sent a sharp tingle
down his limbs and to his crotch. The prince moaned against the cold wet
stone of the well and the frog, hearing the echoes of the prince’s
pleasure through the water, was encouraged to delve his tongue deeper
into the secret crevices the prince had once struggled to protect.
Incidentally, there’s probably a few Kermit the Frog jokes I could make here, but even I’m not so horribly evil to do that to us.
frog’s well lubricated tongue pressed the ring of muscles until it gave
way to the pressure and friction and allowed entry. The sensation of
penetration from the slippery wet appendage sent a wave of disgust and
fear through him but soon his natural instinct was overtaken by
unimaginable pleasure as the frog’s tongue squirmed and weaved through
his insides, sending waves and shocks of intense pleasure from the tips
of his toes to the top of his blonde head.
Sounds like someone went on… /puts on sunglasses
…Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
He moaned softly against the wall and tried to still his hips’ own
desperate movements to no avail. Suddenly he felt a pressure on the tip
of his penis and realized that he was engorged, his member rubbing
softly against the moss covered stones that lay beneath the water line.
Um, yeah. There’s nothing quite as erotic as rubbing your dick on a pile of rocks. Why, I can’t walk down a cobbled road without wanting to drop to the ground and start humping it. Having a frog’s tongue in your asshole is just icing on the cake, so to speak.
He found that by applying pressure with his hips he could rub his hard
cock against the soft moss and get another intense sensation. The frog,
noticing these movements, began to withdraw his tongue until it was
nearly out of the boy’s passage, only to slide it back in with wriggling
gusto. The Prince’s screams of fear had turned into screams of pleasure
as the frog hit a secret spot inside him that sent brilliant white
stars shooting across his closed eyes. The prince, in a desperate
attempt to achieve the effect again, wriggled and thrust against the
frog’s tongue, making the long tongue hit him just right over and over
as he thrust against the wall and back into the sinful tongue. The frog
pressed its cold feet against the back of the prince’s legs, pressing
him harder against the wall and making it impossible for the prince to
thrust back against it. The prince was only able to grind his desperate
erection against the moss of the stone wall as the frog plundered the
depths of his insides, only giving him the greatest pleasure when the
frog saw fit. Desperate cries echoed through the well and the frog
withdrew its tongue completely from the prince. The prince shook with
frustrated tears and whimpered against the wall, begging the frog not to
stop, unsure if it could understand him or not.
I may be sheltered, but I have to think that the “I want to hump rocks while a frog tongues my asshole” fetish is a pretty small sexual niche. I mean, in the Venn diagram of people who find rocks erotic and the people who want to be fucked by frogs, I just can’t imagine there’s a lot of overlap. I have to imagine that the rock-humpers are totally baffled and disgusted by the idea of bringing a frog into their geological gyrations — “What’s a frog doing here?! Gross!” — while the frog-fuckers find the idea of humping rocks to be baffling. “Why the hell would you fuck a rock when you have a perfectly willing frog right there? Madness, I tell you! Madness!”
The frog was soon upon him, having pulled him away from the wall and
pressed his back and against it. The prince mewed softly as the pressure
of the wall made his insides ache with emptiness and need. The frog
pressed itself against the prince’s chest, stretching its slimy body
against the prince and holding him against the retched wall. The prince
then realized that the frog wasn’t unlike a normal man; its long
fingered hands and dexterous feet were truly not human but its body was
similar in stature. It had powerfully muscled legs and taut muscles
under its slippery wet skin. It had a powerful, broad, well muscled
chest, and strong encircling arms, and now the prince could feel its own
engorged member pressing firmly against his belly.
HOLY SHIT IT’S A BATTLETOAD.
He gasped, and
moaned softly as the frog began to thrust against the prince’s own
member and belly. The frog’s hard cock was surely twice the size of his
own if not more, and it was massaging his own cock with urgent stokes as
though the end was surely near for the both of them.
The idea of ever meeting a frog with a bigger dick than me depresses me immensely. IMMENSELY.
The prince moaned
and the frog took the opportunity to slide his long wet tongue into the
prince’s mouth. The prince was shocked and feared suffocation, but soon
realized that if he tilted his head back and took calm breaths through
his nose he could accommodate the frog’s tongue comfortably, and the
frog took this as an invitation to explore the prince’s mouth and throat
with his long slimy tongue. The prince moaned around the frog’s tongue
and, taking this as encouragement, the frog wrapped his long slimy
fingers around both of their members. The prince at once thrust against
the frog’s cock and hand, writhing at the sensation that the frog was
Not that I have any intention of ever fucking or getting fucked by a frog, but if I had to, I’d want to fuck one of those frogs you lick that gets you high and makes you hallucinate. I mean, if you’re gonna do it, might as well go all out, right?
The prince was nearly blinded by pleasure and almost didn’t notice the
frog’s other hand pressing at his previously pillaged backside. He
moaned around the frog’s tongue again and this time willingly opened his
legs to receive the gift that the frog was going to bestow upon him.
The frog’s fingers slipped inside the prince with ease and the prince
shook with pleasure from being penetrated yet again. The frog’s long
fingers easily hit his most pleasurable spot and the prince arched his
back and let out a muffled scream as the waves of pleasure overtook him
once again. He was sent over the edge far too quickly as the frog
plundered his mouth and arse with simultaneous strokes of his fingers
and tongue. The prince’s hips bucked against the frog’s, and his cock
twitched against the frog’s slippery engorged member as his orgasm came
crashing upon him in brilliant waves and crests of pleasure. His body
was wracked with spasms as his cock twitched and spurt out stream after
stream of thick sticky come which mingled with the dirty water around
DO A BARREL ROLL! (Sorry, I had to say it at least once, but I promise I won’t do it again.)
The frog gave a croak of pleasure at seeing the prince in that most
wanton state and withdrew himself from the prince, The prince’s arse and
mouth left empty and wanting, his lips bruised and swollen from the
menstruations’ of the frog’s tongue could no longer be ignored, the frog
leapt from the water and landed on the wall his feet on either side of
the prince’s shoulders, his dripping wet cock mere inches from the
prince’s eager mouth, the prince pushed forward, his lips encircling the
frog’s inhumanly large member. Trying to reenact the position he took
when the frog’s tongue was down his gullet, he began sucking the frog’s
cock into his mouth and throat, gagging on the sheer girth of it and
choking slightly as the frog began to move and thrust mercilessly into
his hot, tight orifice. The prince moaned around the enormous cock
sliding with ease in and out of his mouth and throat and clasped tightly
to the frog’s powerful thighs and arse as the speed and power of the
thrusts increased. The frog’s movements became frantic as his climax
approached, his member plunging deeply into the prince’s throat and the
insides of his strong thighs grinding against the prince’s flushed
cheeks, The frog’s orgasm came crashing down on him and his croak echoed
throughout the well as he gushed his seed into the prince’s throat,
filling him completely with his thick semen, and riding the prince’s
face as his orgasm subsided.
And this is what the fog sang when he came:
The prince choked and gagged on the amount of fluid that was entering
him and he could barely swallow it all, it came as a relief when the
frog finally pulled his now half hard but still huge cock out of his
throat. The prince slid down the wall and floated in the water, filled
to bursting with the frog’s seed and aching pleasantly everywhere the
frog had ravaged him. He moaned softly and looked up in time to see the
frog climb up the wall of the well, leaving him in the darkness; he
closed his eyes, feeling unsettlingly calm and serene in the darkness of
ALL HAIL THE RAPE-NOTOAD
The prince awoke with a groan, his back ached from sleeping in an
awkward position and he couldn’t remember his dream at first except for
flitting glimpses of darkness and the feeling of slime between his
fingers. He lay in his familiar bed trying to piece together the broken
memories of his unsettling dreams. He shifted and a dull ache flared
though his insides and his stomach fluttered in realization of his
dreams. Suddenly it all came back to him: the fall and the well, the
murky water and the hard stone walls with cool, soft moss, the monster
in the darkness that made him do unspeakable things and how much he had
yearned for more when the frog had finished with him and left him in the
darkness of the well.
A moan escaped his lips and he pulled the covers away from his aching
body, his shirt had been reduced to a filthy tattered rag that clung to
his supple frame. His pants were in similar condition and he was
suddenly seized with a terrible thought: what if it hadn’t been a dream?
He launched himself from his bed too quickly receiving a sharp ache
from his arse and stretched and abused insides, he faltered and
stumbled, every step sending shivers down his aching limbs. He reached
the mirror which hung in the far wall of his chambers and ripped off his
soiled, shredded clothes as quickly as he could manage and was shocked
immediately by what was reflected in the smooth surface. His arms and
legs were bruised and scraped, his lips were swollen red and his chest
had suction marks and what could only be described as strange bite marks
trailing from his shoulders and neck all along his pale body. He
shuddered at the memories of what had happened to him in the well.
At was at that point his asshole started ribbiting.
He ran his hands lightly over the injuries he had sustained in the night
and noticed that his bruises were oddly textured, bumps had appeared on
his once smooth skin and the scrapes on his arms and legs were
secreting a greenish yellow ooze of similar texture to the slime he had
felt on the walls of the well and on the skin of the monster that had
Well, if you touch a toad you get warts, so it stands to reason that if you get raped by a frog you start turning into a frog AND OH GOD WHY WOULD ANYONE FUCKING WRITE THIS HORRIBLE RIDICULOUS INSANITY
He shuddered at the thought and at once went into his private bath
chambers to cleanse himself of the disgusting feelings that were washing
over him. He scrubbed his skin with strong smelling soaps and pumice
stones until his flesh was reddened and nearly bleeding. He sat at the
edge of the bath with his head in his hands and cried tears of
frustration and shame and in time he retired to the safety and comfort
of his bed, miserable and filled with dread and an unwavering need which
he didn’t understand
Again, that’s exactly how I feel — I’m miserable and filled with dread, but the only difference is that I understand my unwavering need, because it’s for brown liquor. Again, tragically, this is only the first half or so of The KinkFairy’s “Grim Fairy Tale: the Frog Prince” — you can read about the continuing frog-fuckifucation of the Prince right here; there’s at least one more dream, possibly two, I don’t remember and I have no desire to look it up. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to “hop” down to my local liquor store, purchase enough scotch to submerge my entire head in it, and then see if I can develop booze gills.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.