Merchandise

Super Terrific Japanese Thing: Triple Pleasure Ultimate Onahole (NSFW)

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I know I’m screwing up my Google search results by posting two sex toys in a row, but holy shit this thing was too hideous not to share with you all. It’s after the jump because it is incredibly NSFW, and I say that having just posted a Doctor Who dildo on the front page without a care in the world.


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Behold the Triple Pleasure Ultimate Onahole, for people who wish women would get rid of those unsightly arms, legs, stomachs, necks and craniums, and just give us the good parts. This is, without a doubt, the most awful sex aid I have ever seen for sale — which it is, here, for $104. It vibrates, you know, if you like your small pile of chunks of a woman’s body to shake a little. I’d have to think even cannibalistic serial killers would look at this thing and go, “Enh, actually, that’s kinda creepy.” Although, it also looks kind of like an NES Super Mario Bros. enemy, so I guess if you’re turned on by fictional 8bit monsters, this might be highly appealing. Using it for that would be far, far less disturbing than actually pretending this thing was a woman.

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.