Normally, when you guys get too ornery in the comments, I like to bust out one of the millions of terrifying furry cosplay videos from YouTube, but not today. Oh certainly, that’s how the idea came to mind, but the stuff in the Wolverine article was partially my fault for mistaking one character and the other part me leaping to a conclusion. So I figured I should punish myself by watching one of these terrifying videos in its entirety, and then post it for you masochists out there.
I went too far.
Believe me, no matter how much you think I’m an idiot or hate me and my work, you would have to esteem me at about Hitler level to feel I deserved to watch… “Aurora Spenser ??? FITNESS AEROBICS ???”.
So what’s the worst part of this atrocity?
? Is it the person — who is probably not a woman — performing an aerobics routine in a furry costume?
? Is it the furry costume’s massive knockers, which come complete with erect nipples?
? Is it the impossibly tight spandex leotard, which allows part of what I have to assume is “Aurora’s” white underbelly pop out the sides at the crotch, looking for all the world like an alabaster avalanche of pubic hair?
? Is it the fact the the video is more than 8 fucking minutes long?
? Is it the music, and the “editor’s” complete and utter inability to transition the songs together, so that he just plays them over one another, which is undoubtedly what serial killing clowns hear in their heads all the time?
? Is it the “bar” on the right, indicating this is all some sort of videogame?
? Is it the “highlight reel” at the end?
? Is it what appears to be a wide collection of “fan art” of Aurora at the end next to the “highlight reel”?
WRONG: IT’S EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING IS THE WORST PART OF THIS VIDEO. Although the worst worst thing is undoubtedly the cartoon sound effects. If you aren’t trying to Mola Ram your own heart out every time the slide whistle plays, you are a stronger man, woman or child than I am — and they are ceaseless. I have no doubt that Max Fleischer is scoring this thing in hell.
Anyways, I’ve paid for my mistakes, but let this be a lesson to all of us. Try not to get shit wrong, try not to turn into an online asshole, and for the love of good, don’t ever, ever learn get exercise lessons from furries.
P.S. — There are many more Aurora Spencer videos, and I’m absolutely running them the next time shit goes down. You can spoil them for yourselves if you want, but I recommend waiting — if only because there are absolutely ones worse than this. No foolin’.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.