Nerdery

Fan Fiction Friday: The Lorax in “Shark Week”

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Greetings, you poor bastards who choose to delve through the scariest realms of the erotic fan fiction world with me each Friday. Here is the story that I had intended to run last week, before the internet killed it; I was kind of bitter, then, having worked so hard on it, but having finished it today, I think I understand why the internet felt it had to take a stand. This… this is not right

This little tale comes to us from Clockwork Aardvark, who happens to have written 16 different erotic stories about the mustachioed orange groundhog-thing voiced by Danny Devito; this one also just happens to include the Once-ler, voiced in the movie by Ed Helms (imagining the celebrity voices will make it hurt worse, I assure you), who is apparently quite the hottie for a small, infinitely disturbed portion of the nerd population. Let the madness… begin.

The Lorax opened the door to the Once-ler home, being from the forest he really didn’t see a need for knocking. “Hey there, Beanpole. Just thought I’d come say hi.”

“Lorax!!!” The Once-ler yelled, glaring over his shoulder at the newcomer as he hurriedly pulled up his slacks, which had previously been pooled around his feet. “Give a guy some warning, will you?!?” He zipped them up and turned around, scowling. “What do you want?”

“Whoa, jeez sorry.” the Lorax held up his hands. “What were you doin’ with your pants down anyway?” he laughed, crossing his arms.

“Hey, asshole, you worry about the trees and let me worry about my pants, okay?” the Once-ler replied.

“None of your business,” the Once-ler glared, stalking over to his bed, sitting down and crossing his arms. He then promptly slapped his forehead with a groan when he noticed the red liquid that had dripped onto the floor while his pants were down. “Oh, for the love of—” he grabbed a few tissues and wiped it up before tossing the crumpled balls angrily into the garbage can.

The Lorax raised an eyebrow and stepped closer. “Is that… blood?” he looked at the Once-ler. “Are you okay?” he had a strange feeling that something weird was going on here, he couldn’t possibly walk away with a clear conscience if the man was hurt and he didn’t at least try to help. “Maybe I should take a look and make sure you’re not bleeding.” he advanced on the Once-ler, backing him up against the bed.

Maybe his penis has been… murdered.

“Whoa, hey,” the Once-ler frowned, raising his hands in protest. “I am fine, and I’ll thank you to stay out of my pants, thank you very much!” He attempted to scoot around the Lorax, but the other man blocked his way, and the Once-ler let out a frustrated noise. “Lorax, stop it!”

The Lorax proceeded to push the man back on the bed regardless of his protests. “Come on man, if you’re bleeding then maybe I can help or something. Don’t be a baby.” he undid the man’s pants and yanked them down, his eyes went wide at what he saw. “Wha- Is that a…?”

The Once-ler’s face turned bright red, and he kicked the Lorax away, scooting back on the bed and drawing his knees up to his chest. “Yes! Yes, it is!!! Are you satisfied now?!?”

In case this is a touch too subtle for you, The Once-ler has a vagina. Which 1) means his penis technically was murdered at some point, and 2) gives a possible explanation as to why he’s called “Once-ler.”

The Lorax sat on the edge of the bed. “I-I didn’t…” he glanced at the Once-ler, his eyes still wide as he tried to process what he’d just seen. “And you- you’re bleeding because-” it finally clicked and the Lorax stood quickly, reaching down to grab the man’s pants. “I’m… Oh jeez, I’m sorry.” he handed the Once-ler his pants. “I was only trying to help.” he really was.

Question: If the Once-ler didn’t realize he’d begun menstruating until he saw the blood on the floor, what exactly was he doing with his pants down in the first place? Inventory? “Nope, my penis is still gone.”

The Once-ler snatched his pants back angrily, shoving them back on. “Help?!You wanted to h—” he paused mid-sentence, the gears clicking in his brain, then stood up, poking the Lorax’s chest. “You know what? You can help.”

The Lorax eyed him suspiciously. “If you’re thinking about using my mustache as some sort of impromptu menstrual pad, I rescind my offer.”

“I can?” the Lorax smiled, he was glad the Once-ler didn’t seem too angry with him. “What do you need me to do?”

“You,” the Once-ler replied, pulling a ten-dollar bill out of his pocket and stuffing it in the Lorax’s palm, “Are going to go to town, and you’re going to buy me tampons. I am fresh out.”

The Lorax stared at the money in his hand. “T-tampons?” he looked up at the Once-ler, confusion apparent on his face. “What are those?”

“They’re party favors for your twat. Just go buy the damn things!”

The Once-ler slapped his forehead with a groan. “They go in your….you know what, just ask the salesperson, and they’ll help you find them.”

The Lorax nodded. “Okay. Tampons.” he headed for the door, repeating the word over and over under his breath to remember it. “I’ll be back soon!” he waved from the door as he headed out.

“Get some chocolate, too!” The Once-ler hollered after him, then retreated into his bed to feel sorry for himself.

Ha ha! Girls are always menstruating and eating chocolate! What a sly observation about women! It’s funny because it’s true, and when I say it’s true I mean it’s a horrible clich?, and it’s not funny at all. Whee!

Now, I’m going to skip past the section where the Lorax buys tampons at the store, because as much as I hate myself, even I don’t hate myself enough to read 600 words of the Lorax trying to buy tampons. Suffice to say, the Lorax keeps telling the sales clerks that his male friend needs tampons, and the sales clerks are quite unamused, but not nearly as unamused as I was.

He finally made it back to the Truffula forest and burst into the Once-ler’s house, forgetting to knock again.

This time, the Once-ler was splayed out over his bed, half of him on the floor as he busily knit away at his Thneed. Once the Lorax appeared, however, he dropped everything and sprang up. “It’s about time! What took you so long?”

“Dr. Seuss rose from his grave and tried to kill me.”

“I’m sorry!” the Lorax hurried over to him, handing him the tampons and chocolate. “I tried to be quick, but everyone was mean to me and kept giving me weird looks!”

The Once-ler rolled his eyes, tearing open the box of chocolates. “It figures.” He shoved one into his mouth and shivered happily. “Mmm, oh yeah. That’s the stuff.” He flopped back down onto his bed, shoveling more chocolate into his mouth.

Ha ha! Things with vaginas sure like to eat sweets, don’t they! Ha ha haaaaaarrrgggghhh

The Lorax sat on the edge of the bed. “I don’t even understand what their problems were. All I said was that my friend sent me to get him some tampons, then they thought I was pranking them.”

The Once-ler snorted. “Well, guys don’t usually need them, Lorax. I’d be skeptical, too.”

“And I actually have a vagina. You’d think I’d be pretty willing to open my mind to someone else having the same predicament, but no, I’d be baffled too.”

The Lorax flopped down next to the Once-ler. “Well… I don’t think I can go get them for you anymore. The lady told me not to come back.”

Meanwhile, the tampons sit forlornly to the side while blood pools around the Once-ler’s lap. 

The Once-ler laughed, rolling over to look at the Lorax. “You’re kidding me. You got kicked out?” He shook his head, then stripped off his pants. “Grab the tampons for me, will ya?”

The Lorax blushed a bit as the Once-ler suddenly stripped his pants off. “Err yeah, no problem.” he grabbed the box and handed it to the taller man.

“Now take it out of the wrapper and just stick it on up there, will ya? Don’t be shy. Put a little elbow grease in it. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty. So to speak.”

“Thanks.” The Once-ler tore the box open and pulled one out, then spread his legs, carefully inserting it. He bit his lip as it brushed against the extra-sensitive walls of his vagina, his face heating up.

Sentences that should instantly put you on some sort of government list when you pst them on the internet: “He bit his lip as it brushed against the extra-sensitive walls of his vagina.”

The Lorax watched with wide eyes. “Does… does that feel good?”

Of course it does, silly Lorax! Have you ever heard of a woman inserting a tampon into herself that wasn’t immediately filled with lust? No, of course not! That’s why, as we all know, so many women use tampons even when they aren’t menstruating! That’s why there are no such things as vibrators or dildos, because who would need to invent them when it’s so great for gals to just stick a tube of cotton in there?

The Once-ler blushed even harder, not meeting the Lorax’s gaze. “Well…yeah. I mean, c’mon, I’m putting something inside me, and I get super horny on my period…” he trailed off, realizing he was probably providing too much information.

The Once-ler just graphically inserted a tampon in front of a friend, and yet feels telling him that he might be a bit aroused could be out of line. PRIORITIES, PEOPLE. 

The Lorax moved closer, his eyes never leaving the Once-ler’s crotch. “I-I’ve never seen one of these in real life before.”

“It looks like a cross between the vagina on my Real Doll and an Arby’s roast beef sandwich. With, uh… some Arby’s sauce, I guess.”

The Once-ler shifted uncomfortably under the Lorax’s gaze. “Um, well, there you have it, I suppose. It’s nothing special, really.”

Just a regular old dude’s vagina. Nothing out of the ordinary. 

“Nothing special?” the Lorax reached a hand out and lightly ran a finger over the man’s clit. “What’s this for?”

“OH GOD THAT’S THE SELF-DESTRICT BUTTON–!”

The Once-ler drew in his breath sharply, his body involuntarily rising up slightly into the touch. “Th-that’s—ahh!”

The Lorax quickly pulled his hand away. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you…” his voice trailed off and his cheeks turned bright red.

Oh, who hasn’t had a friend who poke her (or him!) in the clitoris without warning? Honestly, as far as I’m aware of, the only thing women like more than eating chocolate and menstruating is an old-fashioned clitoris fight. That’s what they do at slumber parties, talk about boys and poke each other in the clitoris. Ladies, feel free to back me up on this in the comments.

The Once-ler shook his head in frustration, grabbing the Lorax’s hand and pressing it against him once more, letting out a long moan.

The Lorax’s eyes widened and he felt his heart race as he suddenly found his hand pressed against the Once-ler, he swallowed nervously, but got the hint and began to move his fingers over the man’s clit once more.

He poked and he prodded at the Once-ler’s pink nub

He pushed and he pulled and he gave it a rub!

The Once-ler groaned, tossing his head back and thrusting his hips up needily. “Ohhhh, god,” he moaned, biting down on his knuckle.

The Lorax bit his lip, he could feel himself growing hard and he reached down to palm himself through his jeans. He leaned down, spreading the Once-ler’s legs, and tentatively gave his clit a small experimental lick.

The Once-ler gave a sharp cry, thrusting his hips up, trying to get more of the Lorax’s lovely mouth on his cunt.

Meanwhile the Truffula trees are getting bulldozed en masse.

The Lorax complied, licking and sucking on the Once-ler’s clit before roaming down further, he came to the string of the man’s tampon and stopped, looking up at him. “What about this?” he lightly tugged on it.

The Lorax had reduced the Once-ler to a moaning, thrusting mess by the time he asked the question, and the Once-ler shook his head. “Just…just take it out, I don’t care.”

“THEN WHY DID I GET THE GODDAMN THINGS FOR YOU?!”

The Lorax wrapped the string around his finger and pulled out the now bloody tampon as slowly as possible, continuing to lavish attention on the Once-ler’s clit as he did so.

The Lorax pulled with an oof

Til the tampon popped out

While he ate the man’s pussy

Like a pro (just about)!

The Once-ler moaned loudly, clutching at the Lorax’s shoulders. How had they ended up like this, again? One minute he was sending the Lorax off to buy tampons, and the next the other man was ravishing him with his tongue.

The Lorax moaned as the tampon finally slid all the way out and he promptly tossed over the edge of the bed before moving his tongue down further to lick at the Once-ler’s entrance.

The Once-ler gasped, wriggling beneath the redheaded man. “Oh god…oh god…” He could already feel blood beginning to drip from him.

But God was not there

In that bedroom of sin

Not under the bed

Or outside or within

The Lorax lapped at the blood and thrust his tongue inside the Once-ler, he was more turned on than ever.

The blood flowed from the Once-ler like a ruddy 

The Once-ler moaned helplessly, thrusting his hips, wanting the Lorax to fill him up. He moaned the other man’s name lustfully.

“Oh Lorax oh Lorax!” shouted the Once-ler with glee

“Your cunnilingus is the best gift for me!

“I like the licks you give without hesitating

“Even though I’m obviously not done menstruating!”

The Lorax’s hand slid the Once-ler’s shirt up, his tongue glided up and over the man’s stomach and up to his chest, leaving a light trail of blood, he took one of the man’s nipples into his mouth while his other hand moved to touch his cunt, he slowly slid a finger inside, moaning at the tightness.

The Lorax’s mustache was ruddy with blood

Like a paintbrush all ready to paint a red flood

The orange creature planted many kisses obscene

Until the Once-ler’s thin body looked like a crime scene

The Once-ler gasped as the Lorax licked up his torso, and he let out a whimper as his finger pushed into him. He automatically began thrusting against it, moaning.

The Lorax started thrusting his finger in and out as he licked and sucked on the man’s nipple. He pulled his finger out to the tip and positioned a second next to it before slipping them both inside, the blood providing more than enough lubrication.

The Once-ler was dazed by pleasure so lasting

While the Lorax continued the day’s finger-blasting

“Oh, god,” the Once-ler gasped, overwhelmed with the various pleasurable sensations all over his body. “Lorax, just…just fuck me already!”

The Lorax looked up at the Once-ler and nodded, he slid his fingers out of the man, bringing them up to his face to inspect the blood that coated them before slipping them into his mouth, sucking all the blood off of them. He leaned down to kiss the Once-ler, thrusting his tongue into his mouth and transferring some of the blood to him as he undid his jeans, allowing his erection to spring free.

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…the jeans?

The Once-ler let out a moan as the Lorax kissed him, the tangy taste filling his mouth. His hands tangled in the man’s red hair, his hips thrusting up, trying to meet his erection.

The Lorax moved himself into position inbetween the Once-ler’s legs and placed the tip of his cock at the man’s entrance, he barely had to thrust at all as the blood caused him to slip in easily, he moaned into the kiss and gripped the Once-ler’s hips tightly.

The Once-ler let out a gasp as the Lorax filled him, thrusting his hips up needily. “Move, dammit, move!!!”

“Move!” shouted Once-Ler. “I’m done with the sucking!

“Forget all this foreplay and move to the fucking!”

“I agree, “said the Lorax, “I’ll finish my licking

“And give your vagina a thorough deep dicking.”

The Lorax quickly complied, pulling himself out nearly all the way and slamming himself back in. “Ohh fuck, Once-ler,” he groaned as he continued thrusting roughly in and out of the man.

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The Once-ler moaned, his fingers scrabbling at the Lorax’s back and leaving scratches down it. “Fuckfuckfuck,” he hissed, writhing and moaning beneath the Lorax.

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The Lorax leaned over the Once-ler to kiss and suck on his neck, his hips snapping back and forth quickly. “Feels so good…” he mumbled, planting kisses all over the man’s neck.

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“Oh god, yes,” the Once-ler moaned, twisting and gasping beneath him. He reached down to touch his clit, his hips lifting off the bed.

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“Fuck,” the Lorax gasped. “So hot…” he breathed heavily, his thrusts growing increasingly hard and erratic.

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The Once-ler let out a scream as he came, grinding himself hard on the Lorax’s cock. His free hand clung to the man’s shoulder, his fingernails digging in deep.

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The Lorax couldn’t hold back anymore as he felt the Once-ler’s walls tighten around him and he came with a loud moan, burying himself completely inside of the man.

The Once-ler came first, with a shake and a spasm 

While the Lorax came next with a messy orgasm

Spent and exhausted the two lovers split

Leaving a puddle of fluids that was just gross as shit

The Once-ler gasped, falling back on the pillow as he came down from his high, and he wrapped his arms around the Lorax, kissing him. “That was incredible. You’re like a fuckin’ animal.”

“You’re like a little orange creature that wants to save the environment that got distracted by my sudden, inexplicable vagina, and — wait, this simile is getting away from me.”

The Lorax laughed, collapsing next to the Once-ler. “I’ve never done anything like that before.” a sudden idea hit him and he looked at the man with wide eyes. “Y-you’re not gonna get pregnant now, are you?”

The Once-ler rolled his eyes. “Seriously? Lorax, do you even grasp the concept of the menstrual cycle?” He shook his head and snuggled up against the smaller man.

YES, BECAUSE THE MAGIC MAN VAGINA OBVIOUSLY FOLLOWS ALL THE REGULAR MENSTRUAL RULES OF THE FEMALE VAGINA. IT WOULD BE COMPLETELY ABSURD TO ASSUME OTHERWISE. FUCK YOU AND EVERYONE WHO WAS EVER NICE TO YOU.

“Err… Yeah, I was just kidding.” he laughed as if to prove it. He really still had no idea how all that stuff worked. He smiled and nuzzled the Once-ler’s hair, sighing contently.

“Sure.” The Once-ler giggled, “If you say so.” He wrapped his arms around the Lorax, pushing his head beneath his chin.

So the two men cuddled (although one had a twat)

While covered with semen and blood — quite a lot!

Dr. Seuss cursed at the universe that permitted such shit

And his corpse spun around in its grave — quite a bit!

The questions are many, like “Who finds these guys hot?

“Why give one a vagina? And don’t answer why not!

“Why write about characters intended for tykes

“Fucking each other? What is wrong with you? Yikes!

“Who wants to read about these two mating?

“And who wants to hear about one menstruating?

The questions are many, and answers I’ve none.

The pain in my heart means the fan fiction has won.

The only thing we can do now, so I think,

Is to try to forget… with a stiff bourbon drunk.

The End

About Author

Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.