Good news, everybody! Well, good news for you guys, at least — this is not the last FFF. Fan Fiction Friday will continue over at io9.com, where I will do exactly the same thing I’m doing now, except maybe I’ll have the bandwidth to actually put in a gif of Toht’s face melting, and not just a still image. No promises there. It might not be there the first week I’m there (Thanksgiving week) although it would likely be soon after. But I’ll talk more about this in later.
It didn’t take me long for figure out what I wanted — well, needed, rather — to do for the final FFF on TR. As I mentioned yesterday, the erotic fan fic that I am most responsible for bringing to the internet’s attention was, of course, “The Pokemon Story.” But I saw it in such an early point in my development as a soulless purveyor of the worst, most depraved stories internet nerd-dom has to offer, back in the halcyon days of 2009, that I was too traumatized to actually offer any commentary on it.
That will be corrected… now.
Here is David Garrett’s “The Pokemon Story” Special Edition, finally with the FFF commentary it deserves, including me screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” at the very end. Because Lucas insisted.
Rain spattered across the sand, causing a deafening roar, like that of a hundred semis crashing into each other in apocalyptic glory. The crack of thunder split the insanity, and wind swept it up into a cacophony of natural horror.
It should be noted that the story’s insanity is actually quite intact, and has not been split in any way, shape or form. The cacophony of horror you hear is simply me screaming.
All the while David sat glumly, shielding himself from the gale beneath a rather large tree. He was soaked to the bone and miserable. Lost in Kanto, with no map, no pokedex, no food, and no company other than his beloved pokemon. He was sure he’d die of hypothermia or worse.
I don’t want to spoil anything, but the answer is “or worse.”
David sighed, clinging tightly to his umbrella which proved of little worth except for some sort of moral booster. His soaked blond hair clung tightly to his body. With an absent hand he fondled the pokeballs on his lap. He clicked the switch on the front, releasing Gardevoir, to stand beside him.
“Garde..?” she whispered to him soothingly.
You all know that FFF is horrible and hurts me deeply, but mostly because of the stories I choose to feature, as well as the many stories I have read before finding a suitable FFF candidate. But there are other little pockets of wretchedness and pain that you might not know about. For instance, I was doing some research on Gardevoirs in order to make better riffs, because I though Gardevoir was some kind of plant Pok?mon. I found out 1) she’s actually a Psychic Pok?mon, although many think her part plant, 2) she’s fiercely loyal to her Pok?master, and 3) because of her vaguely feminine shape and the fact she appears to be wearing a gown and because she’s so subservient to her trainer, she is one of the most sexuallized Pok?mon in nerd-dom. And not just in “hey, I wanna draw a picture of Pikacku fucking Bulbasaur” but in the “I’m going to write a story about me having a loving relationship with a Gardevoir and she takes care of my every need and we have sex all the time”-type stories. So… does anyone really wonder why I drink so much?
“No, I’m fine Gardevoir. I just wanted some to be with,” he replied, barely audible to the young pokemon above the ripping winds. A shallow tear formed on the rim of his red eyes but was blotted out the rest of the water that coagulated on everything within sight.
Note: Water can’t really coagulate unless you freeze it, which does not seem to tbe the case here. Water can only form a larger amount of water. So in the story I assume it’s raining blood, because god is crying.
She patted his shoulder. She was so cute, even for a pokemon. Her thin hips swayed, her plant-like hair messed by the storm. No, no, what are you doing, he thought. She’s an animal.
But she’s an animal wearing a dress! David thought. Why would she wear a sexy dress if she didn’t want to have sex with me?
But yet she was so much like a human, only smaller, and covered in fauna. Plus there was no one around for miles, and no amount of masturbating could satiate the lust he felt out in the wilderness… if only he could feel the flesh of a woman against his.
If only he could feel the flesh of a woman. Or the flesh of a levitating half-senitent -mushroom, half-wedding-dress creature. That would be good too.
He put a loving arm around his Gardevoir, pulling her close and whispered; “Gardevoir, you know that I’m your trainer, right? Your master?”
Here is where I’d think Gardevoir’s psychic alarms should start going off.
“Gard,” she nodded in agreement. He nodded in return.
“And would you do anything for me?”
“Garde,” she nodded again. He moved another hand to her, sliding it over her wasp waist and looking carefully into her eyes. She seemed to begin to understand, a look of fear welled in her eyes.
How do we know Gardevoir is really a psychic-type Pokeemon? Did she take the test Venkman was giving at the beginning of Ghostbusters or something?
David could feel a lump in his pants swell as he began to force her upon the soaked ground. The sky rumbled with thunder all around them, the tree above them creaked threateningly.
In a flash his pants were off and he was atop her. She squealed and struggled, afraid to fight back because he was, indeed, her trainer. Her mind had a block in it, via years of training, years of believing he’d never harm her, that he was her best friend.
He ran a hand over her leafy posterior. A probing finger slipped in between, finding a hole. He knew little of the Gardevoir anatomy, but knew that any hole would work.
Well, you know what they say: rapers of sentient-plant-dress creatures can’t be choosers!
He plunged his rock hard cock deep inside of her anus. It was white hot.
David’s penis melted like Toht’s face, sparing us the agony of reading the rest of this fic. They mystery of why a Pokemon’s anus reached 3000 degrees was never solved, possibly because no one ever investigated it or cared.
A wave of pleasure washed over him before the first stroke. Gardevoir screamed in pain, her precious anus being pulled to four times its natural size.
Wait a second. David didn’t know what hole he found just a second ago, why is he now sure he’s found the anussssooooooOOOOOUUUUUURRRGGGHHHH OOOHHH GOOD I HAVE THOUGHT OF EXPLANATIONS AND THEY’RE ALLL TERRRRRIIFFFFYYYYYYIIINNNGGG
With each thrust she screamed louder, but David couldn’t hear it. The crevasse formed tightly over his shaft, gripping harder than his fist ever could. Before long he finally came, filling her sphincter with his seed. White mixed with black blood as he pulled out.
Blood and feces dribbled out. The sight of Gardevoir laying there, whimping, smeared with mud, blood, cum, and her own feces unlocked something deep within David’s soul. His heart soared at the sight. It felt so good! It was like he finally discovered his place in the world.
And his place was being a terrible fucking person, a waste of food, oxygen, and carbon. Good for you, David.
While his spirit had become free, however, his mind quivered under the weight of his actions, struggling to block these memories from existence, enabling his attack.
His mouth lowered in primal instinct, extending his pink tongue. He lapped up her blood and shit, using pruned fingers to smother himself.
“Dear David: Just a quick note for you — there are no primal instincts in man, animal, or fictional videogame animal characters that would lead any of them wanting to consume someone else’s blood or feces. You’re just a fucking weirdo. We wanted you to know.
“God, Mother Nature and Charles Darwin
“P.S. Die in a fire.”
It was beautiful.
If by beautiful you mean
The bitter taste of her poop, and the coppery taste of her blood was like magic to him.
“Next, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!… and then rape it.”
“Gardevvv…” she moaned, hands digging into the dirt. She wept. How could she do this to him? Pain was splitting her because of him. He said he’d never hurt her, though… maybe he wasn’t? Maybe this was fine…
Or maybe the author is so intent on getting his torture rape on with the vaguely feminine-looking Pok?mon that he’s ignoring even her limited characterization in order to justify his horror show of a story! One of the two!
He flipped her bleeding, limp body over. His mouth met hers, lashing about inside of her toothed maw. He kissed hard and deep as he carefully fit his shitty dick into her pokevagina.
For those of who who were unaware where the phrase “pok?vagina” came from, it was right here. I’m so sorry.
The head slid in easily and she whimpered. With a deft hand he massaged her clitoris. She tried to pull back to cry out but he pushed into her harder. She screamed into his mouth. The vibrations filled him in ecstasy. He violently penetrated her and wave after wave of pleasure engulfed them both. It was beyond the realm of human understanding.
I’ll second that.
Collapsing universes whirled about them, being born and dying in an eternal, idiot firestorm.
OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE YOU’RE WRITING ABOUT RAPING A GODDAMN CHILDREN’S VIDEOGAME CHARACTER WHO IS ALSO A SENTIENT PLANT-THING. YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS TO DESCRIBE THIS AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A SAD, TWISTED CHILD’S CRY TO BE SHOT INTO THE GODDAMN SUN.
As he came again he thrust harder, forcing as much of himself in as he could. His penis crashed into her cervix and she let out a blood curdling scream, clawed hands digging into his flesh.
David didn’t like that at all. No, she wasn’t allowed to injure him. He drove his bleaching fist into her mouth. There was a crunch and black syrup welled up in her mouth and eyes.
Wait a second. “Idiot firestorm”? “Bleaching fist”? “Black syrup”? I think the author may be having a stroke.
She gurgled, and he smiled gleefully. Disengaged from her mangled secret, he crawled up to her face. Lifting her broken head he plunged his dick into her wounded mouth.
Gardevoir could take no more. She gave himself over to him.
Yeah, because she was doing such a great job of resisting before.
He was her master. She would please him any way she could and never make another whimper in reply. She suckled on his piece as he pulled it in and out. Cracked lips smothered him, teasing glands and glans.
Gardevoir has chapped lips, too? WILL HER MISERY NEVER END?!!
He gripped her arms, squeezing tighter. More pain roared through her and she sucked harder. She gagged, puking a little. The bile stung him, so he drove another fist into her eye.
Through the pain she sucked and finally he came. As he did, his mind cracked a little more. He gripped her head, forcing his cock into the back of her throat. She vomited again, squirting half-digest plant matter all over both of them and he lashed her. Her tiny bones splintered under his blows and he came harder at her destruction.
You guys see why I couldn’t riff this the first time, right? Only now is my soul dead enough give it a try, and passages like these still make me want to dive headfirst into an empty swimming pool.
Weeks later David finally found himself at Cerulean city. Gardevoir wasn’t looking very good.
NO. FUCKING. KIDDING.
She didn’t respond to vocal stimuli and couldn’t see out of the eye he caved in, but he felt no remorse for it. Even so; he felt glad.
“He didn’t feel bad, but even so, he felt glad.”
She was mentally broken. His attack had transformed her into the perfect sex slave:
Except the whole “YOU’RE FUCKING A PLANT ANIMAL IN A SUMMER DRESS” thing. That could possibly be more perfect.
when he moved his cock near her she would tilt her head, trying to find it, just as a baby searches for a nipple and automatically begins suckling.
She was infected, though. Mold grew upon her anus and wounded eye. Her vagina was yellow with infection, discharging constantly. She wouldn’t make it another day.
Well, given David’s predicliction for drinking the grossest of Pok?mon bodily fluids, I can see why he’d want to keep her alive. Right now she’s like his personal portable soda fountain.
David rushed to the pokemon center, Gardevoir in his arms. He came up to the reception desk and there was Nurse Joy. Her eyes first when to David’s dumb smiling face, but then down to the pokemon in his arms and she gasped.
“This thing is waaaaaaaay past its warranty.”
“What happened?!” she said, stroking Gardevoir’s hair with the gentleness of a mother.
“I’m not exactly sure,” he muttered coldly,
“She fell down the stairs… and I accidentally beat and raped her? Wait. Let me try that again.”
“I found her like this out in the forest,” tears formed in Joy’s eyes and she scooped the poor pokemon up, taking her over to the rejuvenation chamber for dying pokemon in another room. After flipping the switch the chamber filled with gases, obscuring outside eyes. Joy didn’t mind that David had followed her in and closed the door, she was too busy studying a complicated-looking readout now appearing on a computer screen.
“WARNING FROM THE CERULEAN CITY POLICE: DAVID GARRETT, KNOWN AS ‘THE POKERAPIST,’ WAS LAST SEEN HEADING TOWARD CERULEAN CITY. IS KNOWN TO BE ACCOMPANIED BY A GARDEVIOR, LILKELY ABUSED. IF FOUND PLEASE ALERT OFFICER JENNY IMMEDIATELY. AND IF YOU GET THE CHANCE TO KNEE HIM IN THE JUNK, JUST GO FOR IT. HE’S A COMPLETE ASSHOLE.”
She bent over low as she typed slowly, a complete novice with computers it appeared, and as she did her skirt teased her thick ass. Her thigh highs squeezed her legs delightfully. She was a delicious woman, and David would have no problem finding out just how delicious she was.
He took the tupperware bowl of fava beans out of his bag, and the chilled bottle of Chianti from the cooler.
He slid up next to her. “How does it look, nurse?” he asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.
“Not very good, I’m afraid the rejuvenation chamber won’t be enough for–”
“No, not the pokemon. Your cunt.”
“Well, it looks kind of like a flower made of meat. Why do you ask?”
At this the nurse spun around. A hurt look flashed across her face and she bit her lip. She was exactly sure how to handle this situation. It was true that she was constantly horny. She never had time for anything outside of the hospital. Her cunt tingled at the prospect of being split. She eyed the door. Should she run?
Should she have sex with this complete stranger?
“He seems dangerous…” she though,
but as she did her thighs pressed against themselves, pinching her slowly enlarging clitoris.
If your thighs can pinch your clitoris, I’m pretty sure you need to see a doctor immediately because something is not right with your thighs, or your clitoris.
David’s hands began to unbutton her blouse, revealing a polkadotted bra clasping two melon-sied breasts.
“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step out of the office,” she said with as much courage as she could muster, but didn’t stop him. He pushed her up against the computer terminal and mouthed her nipples.
“Mouthed her nipples”? That’s one of those unfortunate turns of phrases that can only be uttered by a person who has never had access to another person’s nipples. Also, technically her bra is still on, so BOOM: FACTUAL ERROR. THIS STORY IS NO LONGER VALID.
She gasped as he bit one, teasing it with his tongue. He sucked on it and she lurched, not noticing her hands slide down to his hips.
He lifted her and placed her upon the desk. Her legs spread and she leaned back, forgetting that she was on the rag, and gave herself to him.
He lowered himself to a knee, ripping off her clashing blue underwear and explosing her rosy, dripping hole. He gently tugged on the string sticking out, drawing a blood-soaked tampon out. It fell to the floor and thick chunks began to seep out.
This sounds gross, but actually her vagina is just where Joy stores the Campbell’s Chunky Soup she eats for lunch.
She burned for him, for this complete stranger.
His fingers moved into her, rubbing the rough spot just inside the warm tunnel. his red tongue slathered her clit. He sucked on it and hummed. A dizzy, buzzing feeling filled her head and she began bucking, screaming in pleasure. Soon her screams of pleasure became those of pain as he forced three fingers into her tight pussy. She hadn’t been with a man in so long..
But none of those men were animal rapists, so advantage previous men, I’d think.
“No, please..” she gasped as her vagina slowly spread and grew used to the probing digits.
He inserted another finger and she gasped. This time her cunt burned in protest, showing no signs of widening. She squeaked. He forced another finger in and soon he was fisting her, plunging his large, manly hands in as far as they would go, spreading her wider. Filling her.
Trying to work her like a menstruating puppet.
“Moooree,” she growled through clenched teeth, thick streams of saliva going down her cheeks, “FUCK ME HARDER YOU PEACE OF SHIT.”
All we are saaaaayyyiiiinnn;
Is shit peace a chance
David didn’t like this however, and punched her in the gut. She lurched forward and gasped. But then, weighing how much fun he was having with being told what to do, he decided to insert his next fist.
“Sorry. Punching you was just a reflex axion because I’m a horrible, worthless bastard. My apologies.”
Her tendons popped and squeaked as he forced the other one inside slowly. Her cleft opened wider, and wider still. She screamed in pain and pleasure until her throat bled almost as much as her cunt. Blood streamed down his arms, mixing with her cum until his shirt and the floor were soaked.
I must again submit my plan to force all erotic fan fiction writers and artists to take at least one undergraduate Human Anatomy course before unleashing their evils on the world. I know they’re still going to write horrible shit, but there’s evil and then there’s “I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THE HUMAN BODY WORKS EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ONE DERRR.”
There was a knock at the door, followed by the turning of a handle.
In strode the doctor the nurse had called for earlier. Her father.
He stopped, shocked at the situation that unfolded in front of him.
“Dad! It’s not what you think! It’s… uh… this gentlemen lost his keys, and we’d already looked everywhere else!”
“W-What are you, what are you doing to my little girl?” he murmured.
“Shut the fuck up you old bastard and get the fuck over here, her mouth isn’t going to fuck itself!” David shouted, forcing his voice above that of nurse Joy’s.
I understand that David is two-fist deep in his daughter’s hoohah right now, but I still feel like he’s being a little forward here. I think Miss Manners would agree with me that you should ask your fuckbuddy’s father to join in, rather than command him. It’s just the polite thing to do.
She was horrified that her father had walked in on this, horrified at all the blood and what she had been coerced into, but she couldn’t stop. Lust raged inside of her, overtaking all other motor functions.
“Fuck me, daddy,” she said, grinning a bloody smile. Her pleading eyes met his and before she knew it, her father’s wrinkly, liver-spotted dick was in her mouth.
Well, at least she probably won’t have to give him a Christmas present this year…
The doctor fucked her from the opposite side of the table. Her young tongue slid over the top of his dick, teasing the helmet. He bucked wildly, shakily. He had not had sex since his wife had died ten years ago, and sometimes had dreams about his daughter. He tried to ignore them, push them to the back of his mind. But he could never help his sick fantasies. Sometimes he’d “accidentally” walk in on her dressing or showering, and would think about it later that night as he choked himself and petted his shriveling member.
I feel confident that the author meant the Doctor “chocked” his member, but I prefer to think that the doc is an autoerotic asphyxiation enthusiast. YOLO, buddy.
David began to grow bored, his maniacal, slowly-splintering mind needed more horror to satiate it. It was a curse, but one he enjoyed.
I know you’ve read about Pok?rape and abuse and the family threesome above already, but if for some reason you haven’t read “The Pok?mon Story” before, I have to worn you: This is the part where it gets twisted. I know. I’m just letting you know.
He drew one hand out of her weeping puss, much to her protest. With the other he gripped her cervix and twisted. Pain cut her and she clenched her teeth and moaned, cleanly chopping her father’s dick off as he came. The doctor fell backwards and the nurse sat up straight. Her vision blurred from the pain, but she was just barely able to see what David was doing.
I can fully admit that while I would think it would be difficult to grab the cervix, let alone be able to grab it in a way so you can twist, I do not know enough about the further mysteries of the human female reproductive system tio say for sure one way or the other, and I absolutely refuse to spend a single looking up information in order to check and see if this is a factual error. Because I know that even if the author is right, it is purely by accident.
He had drawn a knife out of his pocked and driven it into his urethra.
His cock opened wide and he screamed, but kept pushing hard, down into his ballsack.
As god is my witness, I had seriously, completely blocked this part out of my memories on “The Pok?mon Story.” I WONDER FUCKING WHY.
Blood gushed forward and he puked, bile adding to the horrendous pain, but he couldn’t stop. Slowly memories of him and Gardevoir flooded back, all the fun they had back home. Memories of his mother and father, how they wanted him to succeed.
“Remember son, we want you to succeed, but their’s only one way you can really fail in life — by sticking a knife in your dick. Everything else is just part of the learning process. Yep, committing harakiri with your genitals is the only way I know to truly, irrevocably fuck up in life. But what are the chances of you doing that! Get out of here, you scamp!”
They wanted him to come home, to spend time with their baby boy.
I’m going to say David is going to be relieved of his babysitter duties, what do you think?
Of his first love, the girl he never got over. Her name was Misty. She wanted to see him again, she had sent him a letter only a month earlier saying she wanted to be with him again, that nothing felt the same without him. What was he doing here?
Realizing he should have checked his goddamn mail one more time before he cut open his own balls, maybe? Just a guess.
He couldn’t stop his hands, they moved on their own, twisting out Joy’s cervix, bit by bit, and slitting his genitals. At last the leathery bag was open. They gripped his testicles and pried them out, forcing them into his mouth.
Once you pop, why bother to stop?
All three parties bled to death. It was in the news the next day.
And the headline ran: GROSS IDIOTS DEAD, WORLD OFFICIALLY A BETTER PLACE
The Gardevoir recovered, but was forever in a tortured state of slavery.
Misty shook as she read it. She wept and her mind grew jaded and hateful. She was alone in the world now. Nobody she loved. Nothing. Alone.
Except for Ash and Brock and her Pok?mon and her family and Team Rocket and all the jillion other characters she met in Pok?mon’s million episode run. BUT OTHER THAN THAT, COMPLETELY ALONE.
She drew a pokeball from her belt and opened it. Staryu appeared next to her.
“Staryu,” she blushed, and looked at him through teary eyes, “would you do anything for me?”
“Starr,” he echoed.
Her cunt burned. She needed it…
Staryu used “WATER BLAST” against Misty’s Vagina!
It’s SUPER effective!
And that, my friends, is that. It’s an end of an era, but the beginning of a new era that is almost exactly like the old era except it has a different url will begin in a few weeks. If you want an easy way to know when the first new FFF is up, you can follow me at @RobBricken on Twitter, or, you know, just go check io9. And if you want to send me FFF suggestions, my email is [email protected],com, which is already up and ready.
Robert Bricken is one of the original co-founders of the site formerly known as Topless Robot, and its first editor-in-chief, serving from 2008-12. He brought the site to prominence with “nerd news, humor and self-loathing” as its motto, raising it from total internet obscurity to a readership in the millions, with help from his savage “FAQ” movie reviews and Fan Fiction Fridays. Under his tenure Topless Robot was covered by Gawker, Wired, Defamer, New York magazine, ABC News, and others, and his articles have been praised by Roger Ebert, Avengers actor Clark Gregg, comedian and The Daily Show correspondent John Hodgman, the stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax, and others. He is currently the managing editor of io9.com. Despite decades as both an amateur and professional nerd, he continues to be completely unprepared for either the zombie apocalypse or the robot uprising.