In the time before action figures – a time of darkness for individuals with active inner children – it was more common to put aside childish things as adulthood was entered into, because frankly, many toys weren’t all that good, even if they were more likely to be made of metal or wood, and did a whole lot of damage if you threw them against the wall.
One significant exception, however, was the train set. Even before Star Wars toys ushered in figure-collecting as we know it, adults could get away with having elaborate model railway dioramas, and be thought of as perhaps only mildly eccentric. Time has moved on, and companies like NECA and McFarlane have made it reasonably mainstream for action figures to feature R-rated content. What I didn’t know, until going on some Amazon search tangent recently, is that the toy companies who cater to train hobbyists have done the same.
If tiny (and terribly done) representations of nudity are NSFW, be careful how you proceed from here…
13. People Mooning.
Mooning trains is a thing, so this isn’t completely inappropriate for a realistic diorama. It’s just that if you buy it for your display, you’ll be looking at bare ass, day in and day out. If you’ve ever read Marilyn Manson’s autobiography, in which he describes the way his grandfather would use the sound of a toy train to cover up other things, you’re already picturing the individual I imagine buying these.
You Bronies thought you had it bad from the pervs who give your collections a horrible stigma? Wait till we get to the end of this list.
12. Fat People.
|Amazon user Winter-Berry
“Excuse me, sir? I’d like to buy some fat people, please.”
Before Amazon existed, somebody actually said those words aloud. It’s an oddly niche request, but on the one hand, it’s nice that at least one subsection of the toy market recognizes body image issues (and/or fetishes, but I’m trying to be generous this early in the list…it’s gonna get harder).
On the other – is it just me or does the one on the far left look a whole lot like a certain former president? And is his placement on said far-left a statement? Is it a stretch to imagine the women in this assortment as deliberate variations on said chief executive’s perceived “type”?
Maybe. We can still give benefits of the doubt on some of these.
11. Clumsy Minimum Wage Guy.
This figure’s actual name is “CAUTION! WET FLOOR” but however you want to phrase it, it’s a guy who tripped and ruined some inventory. What kind, I’m not sure – his garb and the crate would suggest milk, but its brownish color would imply Yoo-hoo at best.
Alternately, it’s a sentient alien blob that’s trying to hide, and the dude is crouching on the floor to try and get a good look through the crate. If this were a movie, somebody innocuous would suddenly tap him on the shoulder right about now for a cheap fake-out fright, and the critter would get away.
10. A Vampire.
Why is a vampire hailing a train? Given his classical appearance, this bloodsucker seems like the kind who could just turn into a bat and save himself some fare. Also, what’s up with his cape? It looks like there’s a big
whole hole in it, and that brown really doesn’t go too well with the rest of his outfit.
If you could somehow sand off the hugely prominent fangs, however, you might have yourself a decent Jon Pertwee Doctor. Though, again, why would he hail the train when he can accidentally materialize inside one?
9. Urinating Dogs.
When just plain old dogs won’t do, because you specifically have to see them going to the toilet, fear not – Bachmann Trains has you covered. If you ever crank the train too fast and it derails, you can always claim the pissing dogs rusted the track, I suppose.
I’m not sure what’s going on with the weird black shadows. They’re either the by-product of bad cropping, or some sort of fucked-up, Peter Pan-like attempt by the canine shadows to escape from their terrible toy hosts.
8. Homeless People.
I guess when you hear the word “hobo,” hopping trains does come to mind, along with a cartoonish bundle on the end of a stick. But these aren’t called “hobos” – I was about to say because that’s not a very politically correct word, but anyone making this particular toy and worrying about shades of political correctness is already not seeing the urban jungle for the pylons.
Let’s take a look at these fun little homeless caricatures made for the amusement of collectors: we have Encyclopedia Brown, Yoga Dude, guy sleeping the wrong way around in an overly narrow box, Genuinely Depressed Guy in hideous green pants, token non-white who looks like he’s getting drunk, and Kenny Powers from Eastbound and Down. It’s odd to want homeless people in your display anyway, but it’s just as odd to think that somebody looking for homeless figurines would find these to be the epitome of what he or she imagined.
Click ahead with caution, folks, because from here on it’s all tiny, tiny nudity…
7. Nudist Sunbathers.
Enough is enough. I am offended.
Not by miniature nudity or micro-pubes, mind you. I’m offended that toys like this give people unrealistic ideas about actual nudist bathers, who are more likely to have nutsacks down to their knees. Somebody make a toy of THAT.
Wait, what am I saying? No. Scratch that. Please NEVER do that, even in jest.
I do love the totally mismatched Amazon review, complimenting the set on “True German thoroughness” while saying, “All very well painted even down to the matching collars and cuffs, apart from the Irish barmaid standing at the center.”
6. Naked Female Mutant in a Top Hat.
What in the FLYING FUCK is going on with her right arm? Is “Burlesque Lady Wearing Top Hat” the next Terminator, sent from the future with a new time-travel program that makes an exception to its “no non-living tissue” rule for a top hat? Is she some kind of She-Trap-Jaw from a Masters of the Universe porn? Whatever weird titillation the nude mini might induce, I tend to think that having a giant scythe for a hand runs counter to it.
But as my wife always says, everything looks cuter in a little hat. And a little hat is indeed present.
5. Lady Flasher.
It’s unclear from the Amazon description whether or not this little woman actually comes with a “censored” bar – it would be funnier if she did, and clearly there is no objection by Amazon or anyone else to showing mucho mini-boob on other entries.
But I’m going to ignore that to focus on her super-huge jaw, because why not. Nothing like a mini-Schwarzenegger in drag to turn railway pervs on.
4. A Faceless Mermaid.
I’m going strictly by the picture here, because I truly hope the actual item at least attempts a face. Yes, we know – or imagine we know, based on fairly solid evidence – that some of the buyers of these products judge women only by their bodies, but if you can’t pretend personality matters, at least give it a go at acting like the face counts.
More seriously, though – what model railway calls for a mermaid? Does your diorama involve the train crashing into the ocean somehow? Or is consistency in world-building simply not for you?
3. Naked Woman With Bathtub.
It is a very nice bathtub. With gold fixtures and everything.
Just one question here, though…
WHY IS YOUR TOY TRAIN GOING THROUGH A BATHROOM?
Too much to ask, ya think?
2. “Walking Female Elf.”
A.K.A. “I like my naked women to wear fairy wings, for some reason. I have no concept of what the term ‘Elf’ even means, nor do I give a fuck. I’m using it as code so I can get this thing stocked by legitimate stores, and by extension smear all you dorks who like elfy stuff as pervs by extension. I am a complete sociopath, and you can all go fuck yourselves.”
1. Pervert Doctor and Patient.
I hate to jump to conclusions based on a tiny, shitty image, but when that image seems to be a doctor molesting a topless patient while laughing about it on his cell phone…
Can I start drinking now?
Just kidding…I started at least four entries ago.
We never settled on a good substitute for the exploding head image, did we? I am starting to think Marilyn Manson’s grandpa might not have been the exception, after all.
[All images are the the official product photos on Amazon.com, unless stated otherwise]