Super Terrific American Thing: Lick Your Phone, Learn Oral Sex

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Hey, fellas, here’s an app that lets you practice your tongue skills…by licking something that’s been in your nasty-ass pocket all day next to tissues and spare change. Lick This is a smartphone app that trains your tongue to…keep a beach ball aloft and switch a light on and off. Because, y’know, wink-wink, those things are allegedly practice for other stuff. (Seriously, no “tracing the alphabet” game yet?) How come Joaquin Phoenix in Her didn’t have one of these?

Well, maybe because it’s both unpleasant and potentially bad for your phone (getting it wet and all)? If you’re nervous about oral sex, are you not more nervous about what your phone might have on it (hint: probably more bad stuff than the average human body)? The makers of the app suggest wrapping your phone in plastic first, which coincidentally is what Laura Palmer’s killer did to her on Twin Peaks.

But hey, we beat Japan to this one. U-S-A! U-S-A!