4 Things the Porn Parody Doctor Whore Gets Right, and 3 It Doesn’t


Even though so many nerd properties are now pretty much mainstream, it’s still a special time when a nerdy property gets popular enough for a porn parody. This has been true for things like The Avengers, James Cameron’s Avatar, and Star Trek. And now it’s true for Doctor Who as well.

Today, to celebrate, we’re looking at Wood Rocket’s Doctor Whore, a recently made (and free to watch online if you’re 18) parody, that mainly focuses on the era of the 11th Doctor. This is actually the third Doctor Who skin flick I’ve heard of; its predecessors being Dr. Loo and the Filthy Phaleks, and Doctor Screw. (Nobody seems to have gone with the more obvious “Cocktor Who” yet.) Doctor Whore‘s name might not roll off the tongue as well its predecessors, but it still is something to look into.

This is your last warning: get your kids, pets, and whoever else will make you feel guilty out of the room, and hit the jump.


What it got right:

1. The Costumes.


All of the costumes are really well done. I mean, look at them! They look like something that a fan film would make. Well, dildos aside, I mean. You could probably win a costume contest in those.


Do you want to know what else got me so excited about the costumes? While I was watching it, I noticed that Ten’s coat has blue lining and orange on the pockets. That’s something only the licensed replica coats have. This means that they spent at least $300 on a coat that would only be worn for about 7 minutes, tops.

I think they went all out and got the ones for Martha and Jack while they were at it too! Eleven’s coat looks a bit off in some scenes, so the rest of the clothes might not be completely perfect and identical, but short of making the costumes themselves, it’s pretty spot on. The only costume that looks bad is on a random alien ambassador who is on screen for less than 20 seconds.

2. Solid Production Values.


As for the sets, they look nice. The Ponds’ house looks like it did in the show. The TARDIS, while not as extravagant, and a bit cheaper looking, is a decent representation of the 9th and 10th doctor’s console rooms. The rest of the sets look a bit plain, especially Platform One, but you can tell they really put a lot of work into it where it counts.


In the rare parts when they use CGI, it looks better than what I’d have expected in a free porn movie. Though the outside of Platform One looks a lot more like an egg whisk than a space station.

3. Wonderful Doctor Who-Themed Pillow Talk.


Every good movie needs to have quotable bits, and a porn movie should be no different. Doctor Whore has a number of lines that can be quickly added to you and your significant other’s intimate times

Want to say you’re in the mood?
Rory: “I want you to make my angel weep”

Getting a blowjob?
The Doctor: “That’s right sexy alien lady, now cum get my magical custard”

Trying to be subtle about being in the mood?
11th Doctor: “Have you ever noticed that fish fingers and custard are extremely sexual?”

Are you suffering from fever dreams? Well, Ten has you covered.
10th Doctor: “yes, a giant fiery space vagina always seems to get my gonads rumbling”

Trying to play off the fact you have a doctorate?
10th Doctor: “Well, they don’t call me the Doctor cuz I don’t have a Ph.D in pussy pounding! “

That being said, there’s still the run of the mill “In-sem-in-ate!” joke. It’s especially glaring since they all wear condoms in the penetration scenes.

4. A Wide Cast of Characters.


They’ve got a large roster going on here. In addition to to the Cybermen, they’ve also got most of the companions from series 1-6, with only the ninth Doctor, Mickey and Donna missing. As someone who really loved Nine and Donna I’m both relieved and disappointed by this; Nine and Donna could have beaten the bad guys just by talking them down.

All the characters only get one sex scene, though. So you’re out of luck if you wanted Jack Harkness to sleep with everyone. The sex scenes are paired thusly: Amy-Rory, Eleven-River, Ten-Rose, and a Martha-Jack threesome with a female Doctor. So with all that, there’s a good chance they did some pairings you might be interested.

What it got wrong.

1. The Sound.


I actually liked the music score in this; it felt Doctor Who, but only enough not to get sued. My actual issue is the audio itself. Listen: when watching porn, you’re either lucky enough to have the house to yourself, or you’ve got someone in the house with you, be it family, friends, or a roommate. In these situations, you’re gonna put it on mute, or put on headphones.

Since I had to watch this in the middle of the night, headphones were the only option, and it hurt a bit a bit when the intro music hit since it was a tad too loud compared to the rest of the audio. The movie is split into four parts, and I forgot every time each of the other videos started and was scrambling for the mute button every time. I just think that with porn, headphone friendliness should be an important factor.

2. The Story.


It is not that much of a story, but it’s also porn, so you have to be a bit lenient. That being said, it really doesn’t make much sense.

The earth is in danger, and it’s because the Doctor unknowingly helped the cybermen, er, cybersemen. The Doctor eventually realizes that the cybersemen put a cyber-STD on him, and that’s how they managed to get as far as they have with their plans, which included the cyber-converting of Amy and Rory. But then Doctor thinks up a solution, and we switch to the 10th Doctor’s timeline

Ten is on Platform One with Rose, looking at planet Queef, just before it explodes. They have sex, the screen fades to black and part four starts, which is the opening scene all over again. Only this time, the 10th doctor shows up alongside Eleven, and both Doctors say that they reverse engineered the cyber-STD, and this caused the cybersemen to shut down. Jack and Martha Jones enter the room and the cybersemen in the room activates, and shoots Eleven. The Doctor dies, and Jack drags a crying Martha to the TARDIS. Then, it’s revealed that the Doctor actually regenerates into a woman, who starts preaching about how progressive it they cast the next incarnation as a woman instead of a man…

Yeah, this is very progressive – much more than the show – especially since she only talks for about 4 minutes before she’s in a threesome with Jack and Martha.

In case you can’t tell, I’m being sarcastic here.

The end.

Now you might be saying “So, they’re having sex at the drop of a hat? That’s normal in porn!” Well, not so fast; it should still be cohesive. If you have a plot point, explain it properly. The cyber-STD isn’t explained, and the same goes for the cybersemen’s goals. How will semen help them? Is it fuel? Is it a component in their systems? Do they need it to open up a hole between dimensions and bring the rest of the cybersemen over from Pete’s world?

It just doesn’t make any sense! Its such a convoluted way to tie it all together. If you ask me, a simpler idea would have been to just have Jack reminiscing in the TARDIS with the 11th doctor about about all their sexual misadventures. Don’t tell me I’m not the only one more interested in that time that the Tenth Doctor mentioned that Queen Elizabeth’s title of “virgin queen” was no longer accurate.

3. The Sex Scenes.


Maybe it’s just that I wasn’t interested in it, but the sex scenes were so boring. They were full of over-the-top moans, and with the only changes being positions and actors.
OK, sex is sex, but it’s still Doctor Who! It doesn’t take advantage of all the lore and time travel stuff in Doctor Who. Jack didn’t whore it up with everybody, River didn’t get double teamed by both Doctors, Rory didn’t get to fulfill his double Amy threesome fantasy (they would have needed twins for that, though), nobody used a sonic screwdriver as a vibrator, and no historical figures were involved like in the Doctor’s usual hi-jinks.

But no, all we get is Amy and Rory, which is fine. Eleven and River? OK. Ten and Rose, on Platform One, instead of Nine? No. My nerdy perfectionism makes me hate this scene for having the wrong Doctor. All I’m saying is, if they wanted it on a space station, with Ten and Rose, it should have been the time ship thing from “The Girl in the Fireplace”. It would have spiced it up with more Who-ness if they added Madame De Pompadour too. The most out there sex scene is the last one with Martha, Jack and the newly regenerated female doctor, but that aside, it’s still a normal scene.

Also, the guy that plays Eleven doesn’t even have sex. They go POV mode for his scene, and if you notice the little star on the guy’s hip, you’ll see it’s the same guy that played Rory.

I know it’s a lot to ask for, especially since it’d raise the budget to make it, but a little variation, even with what they had, would have made it more watchable.

Though the greatest missed opportunity is that the producer, April O’Neil, who also played the female Doctor, could have taken things further. Now, if you can’t tell by her name, she’s into nerdy things. TMNT is the most obvious, though, and because she’s into nerdy things, she’s probably the reason this movie was made in the first place. So how come there wasn’t a Silurian gang bang scene, to ride off the TMNT movie hype? That’s when people would most likely Google “April O’Neil gang bang.”

Am I being too nerdy in my nit-pickery? Well, you can always watch it for free and then tell me what you think.

Previously by Abe Pat:

7 Disturbing Things from Japan’s Weirdly Pervy (but Canonical) Transformers Kiss Players