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Topless Robot’s Top 15 Stories of 2014


 

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You never really know what’s going to strike a chord. Trust me, if I did, every article would be the top article in all Facebook feeds everywhere. You take your chances, stay true to your site’s content goals, listen to freelancer input, and make your best guess.

Last year, however, I honestly wasn’t surprised that Tasha Reign’s pony porn featured heavily. This year’s list has much that I didn’t expect…at least not at the time of writing or assigning.

This list only includes stories written in 2014 (classics about Firefly and Krampus from years past tend to stay firmly atop the aggregate ratings), and factors in the number of pageviews for each individual article. Let us see what last year held in store…

15. The 10 Worst Adaptations of X-Men on Film (so Far)

 

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Ah, remember the hype for X-Men: Days of Future Past? Because I’ve almost forgotten it. A movie that was more a story device in search of setpieces (at least one of which was pretty fun), it’s a superhero film that almost feels like it’s looking forward to its own sequel more than any of the action at hand.

But people still do love to talk about the mistakes this franchise has made.

14. Why Not (Sex With) Zoidberg? The All-Female Futurama Porn Is Coming

 

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This much I do know: nerd property plus porn equals traffic. Sadly, it seems this was just a pictorial, but it did give us our only honest-to-goodness topless robot on the list.

13. 10 Characters That Should Appear on Arrow Season 3.

 

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Without a cinematic DC universe as yet, it’s no surprise fans would gravitate to the one show that seemed to be trying to pull it off on the small screen. Expanding to include the Flash this year, and hinting at the Atom for next, the Arrow-verse held everyone’s attention.

12. 10 RuPaul’s Drag Race Queens Who Should Star in the Jem Movie.

 

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One of many reasons I love Eric Diaz – nobody else would have brought me this pitch. Jem fever has been heating up with collector dolls at Comic-Con, but now that a movie is on the way and more comics are imminent, I expect this article to be almost as perused in the new year as it was this past one.

Sadly, no drag queens were actually cast by Blumhouse.

11. 7 Reasons Why Marvel Superhero Movies Are Really Boring.

 

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I heard from a LOT of people on this. I had friends yell at me in person that I was running a terribly written article. I had commenters insist that that the problem was using an LA Weekly writer, because we all know how THOSE people are.

And then when they saw a subsequent piece by the same writer, that you’ll see further down this list, most of the same readers understood exactly why I hired said writer.

So yeah – there’s a difference between somebody you disagree with and somebody who writes badly.

10. Axel Braun Unveils His X-Men Porno Poster.

 

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What was I saying earlier?

Snikt, snikt, boing.

9. The 13 Nerdy Things We Most Look Forward to in 2014.

 

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We were pretty good prognosticators last year, anticipating love for Peter Capaldi, The Lego Movie, Guardians of the Galaxy, Sunset Overdrive, Funko action figures, and new D&D.

But while it wasn’t a terrible movie by any means, M.V. Moorhead’s excitement for Mr. Peabody and Sherman is easily the oddest selection of the lot, in hindsight.

8. 7 Lessons Learned From Watching Star Wars with Someone Who Never Saw It.

 

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In which Liz Ohanesian won back reader love lost when she dared yawn at Marvel Studios, by subjecting her husband to Star Wars for the first time and detailing his responses.

Liz had better luck than I’ve had with Julia and Back to the Future, Gremlins and The Princess Bride, none of which she has managed to finish.

7. 8 Reasons You Should Be Watching Penny Dreadful.

 

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Showtime folks loved this article and retweeted it. That was just what we needed.

6. 5 Things That Make South Park: The Stick of Truth Awesome (and 2 That Make It Lame)

 

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Lists that function mainly as videogame reviews are touch and go, but South Park was a unique situation: it had interest from people who were only casual gamers, and from folks who had no intention of playing the game, but wanted to know what the jokes were. I had a hunch the traffic would be sweet.

5. 4 Things the Porn Parody Doctor Whore Gets Right, and 3 It Doesn’t.

 

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Not just a Doctor Who porn parody – a Doctor Who porn parody where he regenerates into a female, starring a fangirl actress with the nom-de-xxx of April O’Neil. It is the perfect nerdboner.

And I happened to have a writer obsessed with TARDISes and adult material.

4. Official Music Video for The Lego Movie‘s “Everything Is Awesome” Is Here, and It’s, Well, Y’know.

 

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This one honestly blows my mind a little bit. If we still had anything resembling what MTV used to be, or commercial radio stations that played all kinds of music, nobody would have to come to a nerd blog to see the video for the theme song of one of the year’s biggest movies.

But they don’t, and you do. Awesome for me.

3. 8 Reasons D&D 5th Edition Is Better Than Pathfinder.

 

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Ever since David N. Scott discovered the right places on the Internet to plug our tabletop RPG coverage, it has been going through the roof. Last year, I told you there wasn’t enough demand to do more of it; as that has now changed, so have I. You can expect to see a lot more articles like this one from David and Christian Lindke in the current year, assuming I don’t tire out their typing fingers.

2. The 10 Hottest Scenes From SXSW’s Sexiest Movies.

 

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The insta-reaction to this one was not kind. We were trolling, we were sexist, we were click-baiting…and ultimately, we were right in thinking people would want to read this. There just aren’t as many who’ll admit to it.

1. 8 Ways Frozen Is Disney’s Gayest Animated Film Yet.

 

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I nearly didn’t even greenlight this article, because I thought it was too obvious a topic, and that someone else must have already written the definitive piece. But Eric Diaz and I both checked – it was a common topic of conversation, for sure, but no-one that we found had put it all together as one big thesis piece, save some extreme religious bloggers who thought the gayness was a bad thing.

When we have a title like that, I never know how many people click thinking we’re going to be homophobes they want to condemn, or perhaps that it’s going to be gay-bashing that they’ll want to join. I’m always delighted to see the reactions when people find out it’s neither.

So what do you think of the judgment of the masses? Are there favorite articles you’d have liked to see on the list instead?