10 Things in Batman V Superman XXX That Probably Won’t Be in the WB Version (Besides the Obvious)


We’re still a year away from Zack Snyder’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, but that doesn’t mean Batman and Superman can’t still find ways to get into dick-measuring contests elsewhere. And I mean literally – in Axel Braun’s porn parody, Batman v Superman XXX, the codpieces flip up – and not just so they can take a leak at will.

That’s not the only thing that makes the set-up just a little different – Braun evidently started production before the reveal of Jason Momoa’s Aquaman, whose tattoos and bare-chested appearance would seem a natural fit for male porn-star impersonation these days. And don’t expect riffs on trailer soundbites like “Do you bleed?” – that one’s on the DVD box, but came out too late to be in the movie. Braun is clearly a comics fan, though, as can be seen in his use of characters like Maxima and the President Luthor storyline. But pornographic scenes aside, his story looks set to be very different from what we’ll see next year.

WARNING: I’m about to spoil the entire plot, such as it is. If you’re renting the movie for the plot, get help.

1. Superman Is a Misogynist Dickhole.


IS, not has.

We begin the movie with Superman in exile in space, following the events of a previous Axel Braun Superman movie in which a Bizarro duplicate created by Lex Luthor has made Superman a wanted criminal. So out in space, Maxima tries to persuade the Man of Steel to stay with her. Her pitch? They need to repopulate the universe with Kryptonians.

Intrigued, or so he says, Superman starts having sex with her. Then, while she’s sucking him off, he blows his load in her face and tells her that while her offer piqued his interest, he had no desire to repopulate their race. Or to be a father.

Well, at least he’s one up on Bryan Singer’s super-deadbeat dad. But still, what a dick. Figuratively.

2. Poison Vagina.


Okay, so you know how Poison Ivy has poison kisses?

Well, Poison Ivy isn’t in this movie. But after Batman’s done trying to learn Harley Quinn’s secret plan by having sex with her (she marvels at how the Bat-cape doubles as a sex rug), he finds himself light-headed and losing consciousness…as she reveals that Poison Ivy taught her a thing or two.

Or maybe it was the condom they used. This is a safe, responsible film about vigilantes interrogating barking mad criminals by fucking them, after all.

3. The “Heath Ledger” Joker.


In an actual Batman movie, nobody is ever going to try to do the Christopher Nolan/Heath Ledger take on the Joker again. It was its own thing, and Ledger’s death makes it seem disrespectful to try to copy. Now, technically everything about a porn parody is disrespectful on some level, and maybe that’s why Brendon Miller’s scar-faced Joker is the best thing about it. He doesn’t try for an exact impersonation (none of the actors do, except arguably Giovanni Francesco when he does the Bale-rasp), but he brings his own take to the Heath Ledger accoutrements and makes the character both faithful and his own.

Since Joker’s the only one of these characters who’d probably randomly engage in threesomes in a non-porn story, that may not be as hard to play as some of the other parts. But there’s one key scene that absolutely hinges on his non-porn skills, and that is….

4. Joker Straight-up Murders Lois Lane.


We know this will never happen in an official DC movie. Rachel Dawes, sure; nobody outside of comics readers ever heard of her before. But Lois Lane, one of the most headstrong, independent non-powered women in the DC Universe exists here to be a hostage tied to a chair, and then shot in the head, after the Joker first fakes her out with a squirt gun. Why, one could almost complain this is sexist, but it is, after all, porn. And even though they gave it away in the trailer, it’s a genuinely shocking moment that risks being a total boner-killer (again, that would be a terribly crass thing for me to say about a mainstream narrative film, but since literally the only point here is to induce boners, it seems a valid point).

Why does he kill her? Because he gave Superman until midnight to save her, and Supes, still trapped by Maxima, can’t get to Earth. Joker gets so bored waiting for him that he kills time by having a threesome with Harley and Catwoman.

5. By the Way, Joker’s Flesh-Toned Below the Waist.


As Jared Leto’s Clown Price of Crime is white all over, I just thought this was worth mentioning. Carry on.


6. Batman v Superman Is Completely Preemptive War.


I can’t entirely blame Batman for assuming Superman will be a dick, given the way big blue treated Maxima at the beginning of the movie. But then he just goes ahead and ASSUMES, sans evidence, that Lois’ death will turn Superman psychotic, and thus, it’s better to just go ahead and kill him now before he’s actually done anything bad.

Stealing Kryptonite from U.S. president Lex Luthor somehow seems like a good idea, too. Despite the fact that Lex is banging Supergirl on the side.

7. The Big Twist.


Bruce Wayne was totally nailing Lois all along. Funnily enough, even though this flashback is the ONLY time we see Bruce with his clothes off, and a rare moment in which a sex scene would be totally justified even in a mainstream film…we never see them do it.

So Bruce knows Clark will be pissed because he is pissed. And Catwoman is remarkably understanding about it all.

8. The Richard Donner Ending? It Doesn’t Work.


Returning to Earth once Maxima finally realizes he won’t father her children, Superman hears of Lois’ death, so he starts flying around the world backwards really fast…only to find himself right back exactly where started, having only effectively rewound the previous scene. Instead of trying again for longer, he goes to fight Batman, whom he presumes will not let him kill the Joker without a fight.

Batman shoots him in the eyes.

9. Wonder Woman, Actual Amazon.


Well…mostly. This isn’t an amputee fetish video, so she doesn’t have one boob cut off. But she is tall and busty in a way Gal Gadot is not.

Her thespian skills are a whole ‘nother issue. And while I think it’s entirely possible that Wondy could be the one to make peace between the two titans in Zack Snyder’s movie, I just don’t think it’ll be like this:


10. Carrie Kelley Does Nothing.


You’d think that in porn, a female Robin would be a godsend – Rao-send, even – and an obvious way to get the decades old sexual tension between hero and villain out into the open without becoming a gay porn. And you might be right, but we’ll never know it from this movie. Carrie Kelley, a.k.a. the Girl Who Becomes Robin in Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns, shows up here long enough to wake Batman up from the poison poontang, and then does nothing but strike a Frank Miller pose.

In Zack Snyder’s film, we’ve heard – but never had it fully confirmed – that Jena Malone might be playing Carrie Kelley. If so, I presume she’ll do more than ensure Batman is conscious one time.

Now, you tell me, readers – does this sound like a better storyline than what you’ve heard from WB/DC thus far, or is Batfleck looking better by the second?