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The Sights, The Sounds, The Hentai: 17 Weird And Cool Things From Otakon 2015

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Conventions, once reserved only for discussion in the most heated of USENET discussion boards, have become something of a pop-cultural force this past decade. No cognizant man, woman, or child isn’t aware of San Diego Comic-Con, for good or ill.

Myself, though? You dumb nerds can stand in line for 5 hours to blurrily watch the Game of Thrones cast get asked terrible questions; I’ll be at places like Otakon and making jokes about hentai.

I had a blast this weekend at Otakon in muggy, sunny Baltimore, so here are 30 things I saw, to mark the occasion!

1) This Awful Sailor Moon Doll

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This rather unsettling doll from the initial wave of mid-’90s American Sailor Moon merchandise makes that awful episode of Face Off look reserved in comparison.

2) This Garbage Can Filled With Swords

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Too many swords. Some of the swords had to be thrown out. There were just too many god -damned swords.

3) This Gundam and His Teddy Bear Pals

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Knowing Bandai’s treatment of Mobile Suit Gundam as of late, this is probably part one of some enormous cross-branding merchandising platform, and I don’t know whether to applaud or be enraged.

4) These Body Pillows Because Yes There Are Always Body Pillows

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Might as well get this out of the way already because of course I have to put a picture of body pillows (aka “dakimakura,” from daki [??] “to embrace or cling” and makura [?] “pillow”) and there was an episode of 30 Rock about them so now EVERYBODY thinks all of us anime fans are creepy perverts who have sex with body pillows.

But we DON’T, okay? Only SOME people do that. So stop bringing it up all the time, mom.

5) This Picture of the “Cos-Pit”

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This is the main lobby on Pratt Street, wherein the shuffling throng of anime fans in costume inevitably bumps into you approximately 15 times per second because oh my gosh did you see that guy dressed as Nux??

6) These Cosplayers Dance Dance Revolution-ing

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“It would be totally funny if I just like straight-up schooled on these little girls in costume in some DDR, I used to be really good at it way back when, I could probabl-“

Just stop there. Stop your brain right there. Because what WILL (read: did) happen is that these girls are somehow INSANELY good at this game despite being toddlers or something in 2004 when DDR was all the rage.

7) This Thing That Would Assault People at the Crunchyroll Booth

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I know quite a few people that work at Crunchyroll in various capacities, and it tickles me to think that maybe they all had to draw lots in order to find out who would have to climb into the fuzzy mascot suit.

“Looks like you got the short one, Adam.”

“…shit.”

8) This Absurdly Expensive PS3 Controller for the Hatsune Miku Game

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This actually angers me every time I see it. They brought the damn super-expensive Japan-exclusive arcade controller and nobody ever used it. The hell, guys! They brought it out for people to give it a whirl without having to spend a bill or two. Just rude.

There’s a whole other page with the potential for more hentai and smut! Click on it already!

9) These Lovely Yaoi Doujinshi

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I’m always a little taken aback by how well yaoi doujinshi (read: homoerotic fan-made comics that pair up various male characters from various franchises) actually sells. Yaoi isn’t quite porn, except for the stuff that definitely is, and I guess I’m just the jaded dude who still thinks that the Internet has ruined me of the notion of ever paying for porn, ever.

10) These Hentai DVDs

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Speaking of! Here’s a picture of a bunch of hentai DVDs for sale.

There is no joke here. This is just a picture of a table filled with Japanese animated pornography. Nothing else. Just a big table covered with animated smut produced for the onanistic tendencies amongst all of us. Godspeed, masturbators.

11) This Grab-Bag of Hentai Animation Cels

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Cel collecting is something I’m always on the periphery of becoming an all-out collecting addict for; the notion of actually owning the physical thing that comprised one scene from something I love is a powerful one, and every now and again I contemplate ways to make absurd, supervillain-like amounts of money very quickly so I can begin collecting ASAP.

Or I could just throw 40 bucks at the wall and roll the dice on some probably off-model cels from hentai made before digital animation was a thing. In all earnestness, I actually did consider buying this. I’ve spent 40 dollars on stupid, less interesting things.

12) This Sad, Hungry Batman

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No wonder Batman’s always so brooding and sulking; dude’s hungry and just wants a chicken sandwich.

13) This Guy Dressed as Link Sitting Down to Play Super Mario Kart

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Link, you get up and walk over to whichever TV is set up to play Mario Kart 8 RIGHT NOW because I have staunch views on canonical Mario Kart appearances and going back to the Super Nintendo original is just too much for me right now.

14) This Picture of Me Being Gross to a Cardboard Cutout

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No comment.

15) This Booth Proudly Displaying Naked Anime Ladies

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Back to the porn!

Now, far be it from me to question someone’s interior decorating, but I’m just curious about the message you’re sending to the outside world, should that ever arise, when you’re proudly displaying a giant poster of a nude, bosomy anime girl on your wall. Or, maybe that’s the point. Who knows. Boobs!!!

16) This Shiek Cosplayer, Who Is Also Playing the Harp

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And she was actually quite good at playing the harp. Screw your giant sword you glued together for your Cloud Strife costume; this gal owns your shit.

17) This Picture of Super Table-Flip, the Best Arcade Game

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This game is so weird and funny and unique it basically warrants a trip to wherever it’s available. So thanks to the staff at Otakon for bringing it over.

In fact, thanks to the Otakon staff in general for another fun year of weeaboo chicanery.

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See you all next year!

Previously by Brian Hanson:
Seven Reasons Why Heroes of Cosplay is Terrible
Seven Reasons Why Remaking Final Fantasy VII is a Terrible Idea

About Author

Brian Hanson manages nerd things at his nerd game store and writes nerd things. Poke and prod him on Twitter.