10 Ways to Truly F**k Up Valentine?s Day

By Jon Gutierrez

As the year’s biggest day for love, Valentine’s Day is more important to a relationship than Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries combined. With expectations so high, it’s also the easiest day to screw things up with the person you love, so if you’re going to fuck up, why not fuck up monumentally? Here’s the ten spectacular ways you can mess up this very special day.

1) Pick a Card

Valentine?s is for gifts, so present her with something amazing and expensive, but with someone else’s name on the card. When she calls you on it, act surprised, then pull out a huge stack of cards with different women’s names on them and rifle through until you find one with her name on it. Make sure to ask her to spell her name just to make sure it’s right. It’s just good manners.

2) Sizing Things Up

Lingerie is the gift that everyone enjoys, so give her something lacy and see through…and at least four sizes too big. When she expresses her outrage, tell her she looks like the same size as your best guy buddy and they fit him just fine.

3) Picture Show

Erotic pictures can spice up even the dullest of relationships, so suggest to your lover that you’d love to see her in a spicy private exhibition. When she’s flattered and says yes, take her home where your best friend’s standing by with a hand-held camera and plenty of tape. Explain to her that with the internet, millions of people can enjoy this in the “privacy” of their own homes.

4) Oh, Momma

Women love a family man who loves their mother, so make sure to invite your mom onto any romantic Valentine?s day plans. And just to make sure she fits in, make sure your loving mom just happens to dress and act exactly like your date. It was meant to be!

5) Role-Playing

Everyone has a fantasy they’d like to role-play, so explain that for your fantasy, you’d like her to be the traditional “naughty schoolgirl.” As soon as she gets into the outfit, put on a stained jumpsuit and grab a mop, then explain you?ll be playing the part of the recently paroled school janitor. Show her you’ve really thought this through by painstakingly detailing her classes, teachers and route home from the local middle school.

6) Light Her Fire

What?s more romantic than cooking her a delicious meal, served by candlelight? Not much, obviously. So set her down at the dining room table, dim the lights and set the mood music playing. Be sure to start a delicious and savory meal in the oven, so she smells that as opposed to the small fire you?ll set elsewhere in her apartment immediately before departing.

7) Start Strong

At the beginning of the date, whether at home, the theater, a restaurant or whatever, simply pull out the largest dildo you can buy and set it directly in front of your date, then stare at her with eyes wide and no other emotion in your face, which should intimidate her while simultaneously inspiring panic. Respond to her every question and statement with, ?Oh, you know.?

8) The Gentleman?s Special

Want to fuck up Valentine?s Day in a more avant garde manner? Then go through an entirely regular but romantic evening, complete with dinner, a movie, etc. If all goes well, you?ll be rewarded with the traditional man?s V-Day gift, sex. Immediately after coitus, get out of bed, go to her purse, empty all the cash, then leave through the bedroom window. Don?t respond to any of her questions, and don?t stop to put on your clothes, The Valentine?s Day will end abruptly with her broke, confused and very possibly sticky.

9) The Ladies? Man

Many of these fuck-ups can be adapted for the ladies, but for a specific way to screw over a man, simply whisper into his ear that his gift is the male sexual holy grail, a threesome. When it?s time for loving, have a male co-worker or stripper?really, any guy with a better body and larger penis?burst through the door to join the sexiness. Your date?s dismay will only be increased when you give him a half-hearted handjob while getting pounded by the third party.

10) Think of the Children

Bring up the subject of kids, and emphatically say that you want to have kids someday, in fact you want as many as possible…10 or 12 at least. Then suggest you go home now and get her pregnant right away. If she protests, just try and buy any nearby children at wee past the market price.