The 5 Douchiest Pro Football Teams in History
Posted at 5:00 AM Feb 01, 2008
By Christmas Ape
This year, whether or not Tom Brady (shown right) and the New England Patriots win the franchise’s fourth Super Bowl title or become the first squad to finish 19-0 is immaterial compared to the staggering achievement they have put together in the arena of general doucheiness. They are a collective douche so mighty they could wipe clean even their own vaginas. Here’s how the team fits in historically with the other douchiest NFL teams of all time.
Christmas Ape is 1/6th of Kissing Suzy Kolber, the greatest football blog on the goddamn planet.
type="text/javascript">
5) 1924 Kenosha Maroons
Proof positive that you needn’t be an undefeated juggernaut like this year’s Patriots to be douchey. The Maroons finished their five game existence with four losses and a tie. Filled with pent up anger after being constantly maligned by Bugs Bunny, when they played the Hammond Pros to a 6-6 tie, they totally made a big deal about it for a really long time. They even had T-shirts printed. It’s, like, come on, man. You didn’t even win. Douchebags.
4) 1977 Houston Oilers
Not all that douchey in the figurative, pejorative sense. Rather, they established record numbers of actual douches used by an NFL team, all administered to head coach Oail Andrew “Bum” Phillips (above). His son, Wade, carries on the tradition to this day as coach of the current Cowboys.
3) 1995 Dallas Cowboys
What sets them apart from other qualified douchey Cowboys teams (of which there are very, very many) is the inclusion of Deion Sanders and Barry Switzer. Sanders had yet to find Jesus. Once he did, Jesus slugged him in the balls for being such a preening, showboating asshole.
2) 2000 Baltimore Ravens
Upon reflection, it’s amazing that anyone was able to eclipse the doucheiness assembled in the millennial Ravens. Brian Billick’s smug can be harnessed to power the three small countries, or one McMansion with six XBoxs plug in. The team featured felon Ray Lewis and felon-to-be Jamal Lewis, as well as defensive tackle Tony Siragusa (above—really), who to this day exceeds legal limits of meatheadedness.
1) 2007 New England Patriots
The benchmark of doucheiness to which all other douches will be forever compared. This roster is the apotheosis of douchey from top to bottom, be it their douchenozzle cheating hobo head coach, Bill Belichick; their douche canoe, HGH-taking, twice-voted league’s dirtiest player, safety Rodney Harrison; or their douchetastic, head butting, actress-knocking-up-and-dumping, goat wet-nursing quarterback Tom Brady (seen above in one of the 10 most gay photos ever taken). Their third string QB, Matt Gutierrez, has even said he’s glad that he plays in a historically white city like Boston, because he thinks his fellow Hispanics are really goddamn lazy. That’s some douche depth, right there.
Comments
Fact. Tom Brady puts frozen banana's in his ass.
Posted 02/01/2008 at 10:28:12 AMwhat about namath? he was a supreme douche?
Posted 02/01/2008 at 10:53:54 AMThank you for this. I was laughing loudly in a coffee shop while reading it. The word 'douche' is on the precipice of lexical irrelevance as a result of its current overuse, but your employment of it was cathartic, for me. I hate Tom Brady and the Patriots with a beautiful, fathomless depth, ever since they upset my beloved Steelers in the 2001 AFC Championship, and then again in 2004, when Rodney Harrison running down the field with the game-turning interception solidified my hatred into a black, non-biodegradable element. Pure and eternal. Thank you, again.
Oh, go Giants.
Posted 02/02/2008 at 09:29:11 AMDouchbag football teams? Any team with legendary defensive coach, Buddy Ryan. Any team who hired this racist, bull-headed coach, deserves to be douchbags. He even threw a punch at a fellow coah on national television. Douchbag behavior for sure
Posted 02/18/2008 at 01:09:06 PMYou're only supremely jealous, because the supreme team kicks the crap out of your favorite team of douchebags. Most coaches of douchebag teams admitted they steal plays, they just don't use video cameras. Those douchebags instead hide it, while the greatest team on earth - the Patriots - come clean by revealing their tactics to all. They say, "Yo, Douchebags! We're stealing your plays!" And it sets all of the douchebags and their supreme douchebag fans crying.
Posted 07/31/2008 at 07:46:15 AM