The 10 Most Ridiculous Booze Commercials of All Time

Posted at 5:04 AM Apr 25, 2008

By Jesse Thompson

Ah, booze and the boob tube; there hasn’t been a partnership this profitable since Barnum and Bailey started dragging wild animals kicking and hissing from their habitats. And while most of us probably can’t remember our first legal taste of an alcoholic beverage, we certainly remember our first intrepid sips from Dad’s room-temperature can of Bud when he wasn’t looking, our first “Tom’s brother said he’ll buy us a six-pack for $20!” party in high school, and, of course, our favorite beer commercials from our childhood.

While cigarette manufacturers often got the shit end of the stick for marketing their lung-defiling product at the youth of America, the breweries of this great nation somehow bypassed scrutiny, for the most part. Spuds McKenzie was criticized for his kid appeal, but everyone from Bob Eucker to Billy Dee Williams has proven that drinking booze sure is a hell of a lot of fun. At least it is on television, the Land of Fully Stocked Fridges and No Hangovers. Since commercial spots for alcohol can be as far-fetched as Pabst Blue Ribbon being marketed as the choice refreshment for upper-class fairway frequenters (It’s true! You’ll see below…), here are the 10 most hilarious booze ads of all time.

10) Elvira & Coors Light

This one may seem like a cop-out since the Mistress of the Dark has always basked in the ridiculousness of her goofy-sexy appeal. And it’s not even this spot’s ingenious expansion of the “Monster Mash” concept by having a bunch of grotesque freaks throw a beach party or its horrible zingers that merit its inclusion here—no, it’s just ‘cuz of that friggin’ bear. Why the hell is there a bear at “Maliboo Beach”? We don’t care, but watching him dance in those last five seconds is funny as shit. If Coors Light can get a bear that fucked up, imagine what it can do for the rest of us!

9) Yakov Smirnoff & Miller Lite

And the award for most handsomely paid extras goes to … seriously, these guys are nowhere NEAR drunk enough (or good enough actors) to convince us that whatever bar ‘80s cast-off comic Yakov Smirnoff is hanging out in is the place to be. Watch closely how they all migrate to him when he starts in on his routine—and how his “America has unopened mail!” line is a killer. Also, we take umbrage with the fact that Miller thought they could pass Smirnoff off as a “famous Russian comedian.” Even by 1985 this douche already had one foot in a Branson, Mo. Theatre. Yak-yak-yak, don’t come back. Unless you’re buyin’.

8) Fred Williamson & King Cobra

Blaxploitation badass Fred Williamson was in a weird place in the ‘80s—his glory days as Black Caesar and Mean Johnny Barrows were far behind him, and he’d yet to resurrected as a cult icon by Robert Rodriguez’s From Dusk Till Dawn. So what’s a former defensive back to do but shill for this snake-themed spirit that tasted more like motor oil than malt liquor. Three things working against “The Hammer” here—too much neon, he’s missing his trademark cigar, and he’s not punching out a giant king cobra that’s trying to slither off with his can. And that chick who warbles “Don’t let the smooth taste fool ya!” ain’t doing him any favors. Next time, Fred, do a better job picking your poison.

7) Orson Welles & Paul Masson

We’ve all seen the viral clip of poor (literally), drunken Orson Welles trying his best to film a Paul Masson champagne commercial while being hopelessly wasted. Oddly enough, a commercial that Welles didn’t inebriate his way through is just as wildly entertaining. “I like to CAST a party much like I cast a play with very special people,” he hurriedly informs us at the outset. Really? ‘Cuz people aren’t exactly getting to’ up from the flo’ up back there, old bean. And listen to the way he intones “Old Paul Masson himself said it nearly a century ago…” That sound you hear, dear friends, is that of a genius who’s had the sudden realization that he’ll probably spend the remainder of his career voicing giant robot planets who tear off their own legs.

6) Carlton Draught

If we were actually giving away awards for these spots, this little-known Australian beer (seriously, they drink something other than Foster’s down under?) would walk away with both the “Best Original Song” and “Holy fuck, what in the holy hell is going on here?” trophies. Yes, it seems the Aussies like to knock back a smooth C.D. after they heard a bunch of cows off a boat and nearly drown them in the ocean. And apparently you may as well not drink a Carlton unless you spill half the damn thing on your chin. That’s the way real men do it, kids. Foam on your face equals tough as nails! Fun fact: Sydney-born Hugh Jackman plans to emulate this ocean cowboy by drooling a Draught all over himself in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. And by fact, we mean completely true and not made up for your amusement.