By Jackson Alpern

It’s human nature to want to know what happens after the credits roll in a favorite movie. That’s why stories used to end with, “And they lived happily ever after.” That was the author’s way of saying, “Nothing interesting ever happened to these people again, and there will be no sequel. Besides, I’m thinking of getting away from fairy tales in general and making my next story a kind of noir detective thing meets gothic romance. What do you think?”

Unfortunately, the drive to know the next part of the story is so strong that even some stories where we know they live happily ever after eventually get sequels. Poorly animated, slap-dash, blatant cash-grab sequels full of voice actors who have absolutely no business being in them. These are known as Disney Direct-to-Video films, and they’re enough to make you spin in your grave, never mind Walt Disney. These are the worst offenders, and if you’re lucky you never knew they existed. Read on. If you’ve got a favorite Disney film and you’re saying to yourself, “Well, surely they never made a sequel to that,” I can assure you that they probably did.

8) Bambi 2

Plot: Picking up directly after the best part of the original movie (Bambi’s mother getting shot), this movie actually falls in between scenes of the original, telling the story of Bambi’s long winter being raised by his emotionally distant dad.

Misguided Casting: None, shockingly. Someone must have missed the memo about including Johnny Knoxville as a wisecracking vole. The only real celebrity casting is spot-on: Patrick Stewart as the king of the forest, as seen in the following clip.

If we had to cast a regal deer, we’d cast Stewart. Even if it was a live-action film.

Worst Crime: Excessive winkiness. Since this takes place before large chunks of the original Bambi, there’s all sorts of “aren’t we clever” call backs...or call forwards, as the case may be. Much as in the original movie, the owl declared Bambi “twitterpated” when he’s around his girlfriend. When Bambi asks what that is, Owl says, “I’ll tell you when you’re older.” Wah wah! One or two of these things are kind of cute. Three or four starts to get fairly tedious. See also: the Star Wars prequels. Or rather, don’t.

7) The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride

Plot: Swaps the original’s half-assed Hamlet riff for a half-assed Romeo and Juliet riff, as Simba’s daughter falls in love with a lion from Scar’s pride and everyone gets all, “Well I never!”

Misguided Casting: Six words that should never, ever be uttered together: Andy Dick in a Disney film. He plays a presumably bi-curious lion.

Worst Crime: Telegraphing its moral message in its fucking title. It’s a pun! Get it? Because a pride is a group of lions, and also…a…emotion…thing. That he’s feeling. Also, whereas the first movie ended with a regal shot of Simba assuming the throne and looking all kingly, we never spent any time with him inhabiting the role. Whereas when you’ve got a whole movie with Simba trying to be majestic, as in the following video, you quickly realize that Matthew Broderick is no James Earl Jones.

6) Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp’s Adventure

Plot: The young son of Lady and the Tramp falls in love with a junkyard dog and proceeds to re-enact all the major scenes of his parents’ movie.
Misguided Casting: Over-the-hill teen stars Scott Wolf and Alyssa Milano as two pre-pubescent puppies in love. Bronson Pinchot as a French Bulldog. Mickey Rooney as anything.

Worst Crime: Out and out grave robbing. Go ahead and watch this film clip.

Notice how Scamp and his love interest Angel manage to scamper past all of the landmarks from the original film. Now notice that, whereas in the original film Lady and the Tramp shared nothing more than a coy and accidental kiss while eating pasta, Scamp and Angel are licking each other’s feet and faces. Also notice that they appear to be approximately six years old (in human years). Now, notice how that’s fucking awful.

5) 101 Dalmations 2: Patch’s London adventure

Plot: Before Roger and Anita can ship their massive brood off to the country and their Dalmatian plantation (which, if you think about it, almost sounds like they’re going to be little puppy sharecroppers, surely a fate nearly worse than what Cruella De Vil had in store for them), puppy Patch escapes to go on a London adventure (as the title says) with his TV hero Thunderbolt.

Misguided Casting: Barry Bostwick as Thunderbolt. Not that there’s anything wrong with Bostwick, except that the presence of Brad from Rocky Horror makes you wonder why the hell Tim Curry’s never been a headliner in a Disney movie. He was in the Beauty and the Beast Christmas film, and he apparently provided “additional voice” in The Little Mermaid, but come on. Someone give this guy a Disney villain to play! Since both Jason Alexander and Martin Short are veterans of “real” Disney movies they get a pass…for now.

Worst Crime: Irrelevance. You might be confused by the plot description. Who’s this Thunderbolt fellow? Well, he was in the original movie for about two minutes. Now he’s the main friggin’ character of the sequel. It’s obvious the Disney producers said, “We have to take this story in new directions – what are we gonna do, have Cruella chase them around for another movie?” Unfortunately, about mid-way through this new plot they run out of story and resort to having Cruella chase them around for another movie.