5 Reasons Why it Sucks to Be a Kid Today

Posted at 5:07 AM May 15, 2008

By Rebecca Kelley

Back in the good old days, being a kid was awesome, but now today's youth is choking on yuppified bullshit like organic nonsense, parental controls, and more. If we could forcibly time travel today's youth to 15 years ago or more, you better believe we'd have them in acid washed jeans and feathered hair faster than you can say “Reebok Pump.” In the meantime, below we outline the 5 reasons why it sucks to be a kid today.

1) Food is No Fun

When we were kids we had lunches packed with Fruit By the Foot, Teddy Grahams, and Squeeze Its. Now kids get organic crap like fruit leathers, vegetable-flavored “chips” that have the texture of packing cellophane, and sugar-free, 100% juice. What ever happened to “3% juice” juice that you could squeeze out of a cartoon face? Sure, some kids nowadays still have gloriously unhealthy lunches, but yuppie parents regard these children as contagious chunksters who could pass the “fat” virus onto their precious kids via direct, sticky-handed contact.

2) Clothing Has Gotten Ridiculous

Young girls have belly-baring shirts, kid-sized halter tops, and rhinestones on fucking everything, while young boys look like mini douche bags with their youth-sized rugby shirts and cargo shorts. Pre-teens are just as bad: girls are pairing leggings with everything and boys are popping every collar they can get their hands on. What happened to Osh Kosh overalls and cute crap like duckies and froggies on little kids' shirts? Why the hell would you want your 7-year-old to go to school wearing a t-shirt that says “spoiled brat” and hot pants that have the word “princess” emblazoned on the ass?

3) Parents are Too Paranoid

In the good ol' days, we could go exploring in the woods behind our house, climb the tallest tree in our yard, and sled down the stairs in our house using a blanket or a laundry basket. Our parents didn't care as long as we came for dinner when they shouted. Now everything in the house is childproof, kids are on leashes so they don't stroll more than two feet away from their parents, and parents go apeshit if their kid gets a single scratch or bump. Cuts and bruises gave us character, and they taught us valuable lessons that we were able to learn for ourselves (e.g., stoves are hot, roofs are high, table corners are pointy).

4) They Have to Schedule “Play Dates” in Order to Hang Out with Their Friends

When did play time become so formal? Back in the day, if we wanted to play with a neighborhood buddy or a friend, we'd hop on our bike and head on over. Now kids' parents do this bullshit scheduling and pencil “dates” into their planners on their children's behalf. No wonder more and more kids are overweight—if you have to schedule fun time with your friends instead of just being able to do it, you'd become a lethargic fatty, too.

5) Parental Control Has Gotten Out of Hand

Back in the day, we were able to sneak the occasional R-rated/Skinamax/boobalicious feature on late night cable, and it was awesome. Getting away with seeing a movie you weren't supposed to made you feel like you were James Bond. Now, however, kids have the burden of channel locks. Bye bye, T&A. Going to the movies or buying music is even worse. When we were kids, ushers didn't give a damn that you were * gasp * under 17 and strolling in to see Freddy's Dead (don't judge – it was in 3D), and cashiers couldn't care less that you were buying N.W.A (on cassette, no less). Now you practically get tased if you dare attempt to step foot in a movie theater showing an R-rated movie, pick up a “Rated M for Mature” video game, or try to purchase a CD that contains “explicit lyrics.” What happened to good ol' parental apathy?

Technology Has Ruined Their Imagination, Made Them Stupider, and Turned Them Into Little Assholes

When we played video games, space ships were white dots, Ninja Turtles were green blobs, and Mario was a boxy, squatted shape. You moved from left to right and you liked it, damnit. Technology's limitations required us to fill in the blanks, thus strengthening our imaginations. Now you've got video games so ridiculously realistic that kids sit drooling in front of the screen, their minds numbed from lack of use.

Technology is also making kids dumber. Thanks to text and instant messaging. Kids are subjected to “ur” instead of “your” and other retarded truncations. Every other song released by pop or R&B artists uses “2” instead of “to” or “too” and “u” instead of “you” (e.g., “Got 2 Have U”). Try to read a typical 13 year old's email and you'll wonder if you're looking at the successor to Esperanto.

What else has technology done? It's turned today's youth into little assholes. Why are 11 year olds strolling around with cell phones? Who the hell do they need to call? When we were kids, we were equipped with quarters or, God help us, 1-800-COLLECT. If our parents weren't at home or work, we were screwed until they got to either of those two locations.

Also, we had walkmen and discmen, damnit, and they were hard to lose because they were so freakin' huge. They were also technologies that lasted a while—no upgrading required. Now there are mp3 players the size of a stick of gum, and kids are losing them more than their retainers, causing them to whine to their parents and demand a new one whenever they misplaced theirs or a new, upgraded model came out (which is every few months).