The 10 Comics No Kid Ever Wanted

Posted at 5:04 AM Jun 24, 2008

By Teague Bohlen

When you’re a kid that likes comic books, it seems like it would be simple enough for people to buy you something you like. Worst case scenario, you get a comic that you already have, and even in that case, you can trade it away to one of your friends for something you don’t. Right?

Wrong. There are tons of books out there that well-meaning grandparents, aunts and uncles, and geriatric family friends might buy for you that are not only something that you’d never read, but also something so worthless that you couldn’t swap it for anything good either. (This does not include the value that irony sometimes demands on the eBay back-market.)

10) One Way!

Yes, that’s Archie, riding in his jalopy with the rest of the gang…and Betty, who’s celebrating old-time religion like only cheesy religious publications can. This is just one of a series of Christian-themed Archie Comics, which were produced with other non-Archie (though clearly done by the same artists) like the classics “God’s Smuggler” and “The Cross and the Switchblade”. They were available mainly in Christian bookstores, and very quickly from any thrift store. A few things to notice on this particular cover, though—for one, just how much lipstick does Veronica have on exactly? That combined with that glazed straight-ahead stare makes her look more like an inflatable Veronica doll. And then there’s Betty, who’s not only proselytizing, but managing to seem like she’s either a little dim or very, very high. At least Jughead has the decency to look uncomfortable and a little sad about the whole sordid sell-out.

9) The Life of Matthew Henson

Okay, so Matthew Henson is actually a pretty interesting guy, being an African-American explorer who was reportedly the first to reach the geographic North Pole. And yes, I got all that from Wikipedia, because seriously, who’s ever heard of Matthew Henson? Well, Golden Legacy Comics set out to change that, and while they did do a good job spotlighting some great Americans—many of them black Americans—this isn’t the sort of book that’s really going to excite a kid when he’s thinking of Superman or the Avengers. And then once you get past that initial disappointment, there’s the realization that yeah, this isn’t about Muppets, either.

8) Dark Dungeons

Ah, Jack Chick. One could make the argument that this doesn’t really count as a comic, since it’s irregularly-sized and not something available for purchase (unless you count tithing). But Jack Chick called these mini-comics, and that’s good enough for me. Dark Dungeons is the seminal ridiculous attack against Dungeons & Dragons (and the extent of its ridiculousness is something that has to be read to be believed), but this was by far not the only example of an ill-informed religious attack on something that was clearly not fully understood by Chick and his fellow creators. Still, it’s had a long and healthy life since its inception, so even if your churchy aunt didn’t succeed in saving your soul from stuff like elves and magic missiles and dice and Mountain Dew? At least she gave you a good laugh.

7) The Life of Pope John Paul II

So your grandma learned her lesson—she bought you a sad little non-comic, saw the look in your eyes, knew you were disappointed, and asked what you would have liked better. “Anything by Marvel or DC, grandma,” you may have said. And then, lo and behold, you get this. Marvel comics takes on Pope John Paul II! Seriously, don’t blame grandma—blame Marvel. Sadly, the Pope didn’t rise to power after he was splashed with irradiated holy water. He doesn’t turn into the Pope when he gets holy (“you wouldn’t like me when I’m holy!”). Nor does he join the Avengers, more’s the pity. Though to be fair, this was only issue one—maybe they were saving his big show-down with the Rhino for issue two?

6) The United Nations

Classics Illustrated actually did some cool stuff…but this wasn’t among them. The adaptations that CI did over the years started out pretty cool—The Three Musketeers, Ivanhoe, Last of the Mohicans, Frankenstein, and many literary greats. Even those could be a tough sell to kids wanting spandex and punching, but hey, a lot of it had swordfights and stuff. But sometimes, the series had to dip into more educational stuff rather than kick-butt classics. So, the story of the UN. Wha-hoo! Diplomacy rocks!