Monday, Jun. 2 2008 @ 5:06AM
By Brian Heiler
Superheroes and television aren’t exactly peanut butter and chocolate. Hell, usually they’re not even milk and Pepsi. Marginal hit superhero TV shows like Smallville are certainly the exception to the rule, which states whenever a super-powered being shows up on the boob tube, a terrible viewing experience awaits—whether it be a bad plot, bad casting, a ridiculous costume, deviation from the source material, low budgets, or some kind of super-powerful combination of the aforementioned problems. While superheroes currently rule movie theaters, it's worth remembering that they still have yet to conquer TV—especially the following 10 superheroes, whose powers mostly involve sucking.
10) Birds of Prey
Based on the popular DC comic of the same name, the TV transformation tossed out everything that made the book likable. In the comic, the BoP team consisted of the Huntress, Oracle and Black Canary. In the TV series, the Huntress is suddenly the daughter of the now departed Catwoman and the retired Batman, who for some reason she has super powers and despite never wearing a mask, is never recognized at her busy nightclub bartending gig. She is joined by Oracle, the former Batgirl who was crippled by the Joker’s bullet in the one bit of comic continuity done right, and annoying teenage drag Dinah Lance, the non-powered and highly annoying daughter of the Black Canary, who the producers felt would somehow be more interested than, say, Black Canary. Despite the comic providing some solid stories just waiting to be swiped, the TV show episodes center around "meta-humans (DC’s word for mutants) as they patrol their silly-looking CGI Gotham City. If you imagine Buffy the Vampire Slayer without any involvement from Joss Whedon, you kind of get an idea what Birds of Prey was like.
9) Once a Hero
A prime example of TV’s inability to grasp superhero concepts, Once A Hero centered on Captain Justice, a fictional character that (not unlike Animal Man) breaks through the fourth wall and lands in our universe. Unfortunately, he's now powerless, meaning the show is entirely about a superhero with no powers facing dramatic situations. The series is also notable due to its inclusion of underrated actor Robert Forster slumming in a supporting role, and very sad if you're at all a fan of Robert Forster.
8) Exo Man
A series that was bold in its vision of screwing Stan Lee out of a check, Exo Man is an Iron Man clone of the highest order. A wimpy scientist is left crippled by bad guys, so to get revenge, he dons a exo-skeleton (hence the "Exo" of the title) which looks much like a suit of armor and springs into action. It sounds all right in a TV Guide synopsis but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. The Exo Man suit looks like a mascot for a roller disco or one of those protection outfits used in woman’s self-defense courses. Additionally, Exo Man moves slower than a George Romero zombie; he loudly lumbers everywhere and criminals just sort of cower and wait for him to come. Happily, Exo Man's villains never thought of simply walking away at a brisk pace, or he would have been totally screwed.
7) KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park
Oh sure, KISS was once the hottest band in the whole world, but even the most ardent fan would agree that they’re not superheroes. It didn’t stop the masters of merchandising from trying their hand at being superheroes in this embarrassing TV movie—which is saying something, since their day jobs required them to wear face paint). In the trippy Phantom of the Opera rip-off Phantom of the Park, each KISS member has super powers but nobody has the power to read lines well. In fact, Peter Criss is so bad the guy who voiced Zan on the Superfriends had to dub his lines. In addition, the action sequences are so pathetic they would embarrass Ed Wood. Gene Simmons claims never to have done drugs; this film is damning evidence to the contrary.
6) Thor
Everybody loves Thor, but let's hope Marvel does a better job bringing the Norse god to theaters than they did in this TV movie. In Return of the Incredible Hulk, Thor guest stars to help his buddy Lou Ferrigno beat up...I don't know, some mobsters or something, in hopes Thor could become his own TV show.
He couldn't. Thor—who was kept in his hammer Mjolnir by nerdy Donald Blake, like a muscle-bound Genie—looked like a Man O' War fan who worked a Renaissance Fair to keep himself in cases of Natty Light. The TV movie did nothing to dispel this, frequently showing Thor hanging out in a biker bar.
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24 comments
Comments
ExecutorElassus said:
What? I can't believe you don't have Night Man in here. Famous bBay area jazz saxophonist Johnny Domino is struck by electricity after lightning strikes a cable car, giving him the amazing power to... recognize evil. But he somehow has some kind of bodysuit which allows him to fly (apparently while remaining upright), and gives him advanced vision. He's also a "martial artist" and - in the show, at least - drives a matching Plymouth Prowler.
The whole thing reeked so bad of late 90s kitsch, I was half expecting guest appearances by Vanilla Ice and C&C Music Factory.
plaidstallions.com said:
You are correct of course, Nightman's exclusion is a terrible mistake. I offer in my defense that it was so terrible I buried in the recesses of my mind with "Dark Justice" and "Super Force"
bangoskank said:
What about Automan?
Oh wait, you're right, Automan kicked ass.
Pj Perez said:
Uh, did anyone else catch Thanos in the comic book panels in the opening sequence of "Once a Hero??!" If this was not a Marvel production, methinks someone's lawyers should be notified stat!!
Tiffany said:
I was partial to ABC's Tron knockoff, AUTOMAN.
Short for "Automatic Man."
A computer-generated hologram. That fought crime.
Generally only fighting the crime at night since he required so much power that it was the most optimal time he could steal electricity/cable from the city grid.
He had a sidekick named Cursor.
He looked like a pile of raver lightsticks taped onto lacrosse pads.
Conan2nd said:
Actually, thats not Thanos in the "Once A Hero" panel, thats a similarly clad guy named 'The Controller', he is from Marvel, just very lame. He has the superstrength/mind control thing goin on.
On a sadder note. I kind of liked the Birds of Prey show.
bangoskank said:
Tiffany: And also because the raver lightsticks special effect wouldn't have looked nearly as cool during the day.
Jesse said:
Nice list; my only gripe is the exclusion of "M.A.N.T.I.S."
Anyone remember the short-lived "Human Target" TV series based on the DC character? Not really a superhero I know, but it DID star Rick Springfield, who's awesome enough to be a superhero himself.
Pj Perez: The producers of "Once a Hero" actually partnered with Marvel to produce a "Captain Justice" comic; I believe it ran for two issues. Probably about as long as the show was on the air.
Adam Arnold said:
It's funny how that Justice League pilot gets such a bad rap. Yes, it's horrible, but the idea of doing the Giffen version of the Justice League does make some sense and could've worked as a TV Show. Too bad it turned out worse than the worst episodes of Lois & Clark.
Steve said:
Is Manimal a superhero?
ArtF said:
The only cool thing about that Legends of the Superheroes clip was the velvet-covered version of the Batmobile they used and the 63 cent gasoline.
TheShadow said:
You are mistaken about Exo-Man being a rip-off of Iron Man. Actually it was (very loosely) based on a novel by Martin Caidin called ManFac. Caidin, as you may know, was also the author of Cyborg, which was the basis for The Six Million Dollar Man. Sadly, the movie jettisoned most of the novel's best concepts, probably for budgetary reasons.
I'm surprised no has yet mentioned the live-action version of The Tick, a superhero show that contained virtually no superheroic action. How often do you see a live-action show that actually had to be dumbed down from its cartoon version?
ScottyP said:
Anyone remember MANTIS? MANTIS, that has to be up there.
Child of the 70s said:
Oh, come on, Brian..."KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park" wasn't THAT bad. If you were a KISS fan in the 70s, you couldn't wait to watch this TV movie. I mean, yeah the acting was kind of horrible. However, it was just fun to see them on the TV screen in a story. Even as a kid, I thought it was a little cheesy, but I still loved it. KISS with semi-impressive super powers...who wouldn't love it?! :)
I, too, am surprised that "Manimal" didn't make your list. His only power was being able to morph into forest creatures. Plus, they usually only showed his hand morphing--not his whole body. *LAME*
Dylan H. said:
Smallville is no exception... :P More trash. Nice article, though.
Boom said:
You left off The Man From Atlantis! Starring Patrick Duffy.
MLO said:
Ok, just stumbled upon your blog from TV Links. I can't believe you don't have SHAZAM! and Elektra Woman and Dyna Girl on here! (I hate to admit it, but I always thought "My Secret Identity" was cute for a kid's show. And, compared to a lot of other Saturday morning fare, thought it rather good quality.) And what about the awful Superboy show from the 80s?
K.V.C said:
What no Misfits of Science, no Black Scorpion????
cKHAVIKk said:
holy crap!!! that IS Thanos!!
it even says it's him in the panel right under the station marker in the upper RHC.
Notify Stan Lee at once!!! Excellsior!!!
Friginator said:
Where the f**k is that bastard Captain Planet?! I F**king despised that festering pile of horsesh*t!
FLU-BIRD said:
Whatabout MR TERRIFIC that show was pretty lame
Iron Eagle said:
Does anyone remember Isis...I think it was on around the same time that Shazam was on I think they even had a show called the SHAZAM/ISIS ADVENTURE HOUR
Iron Eagle said:
Hey how about the live action version of the TICK....Patrick Warburton was doing a bad Adam West invitation...I watched one show and never watched that garbage again.
Jason said:
Ok.. corrections abound here. Night Man could not "recognize evil". He heard evil thoughts. He was a Malibu property and he was struck by a lightening bolt that also gave The Strangers their power (the cable car that hits him spawns The Strangers, at least in the comic).
Second series of corrections, the Birds of Prey comic did NOT at the time of the TV show have Huntress in it. It was predominately Oracle and Black Canary. Gail Simone was GIVEN Huntress to add into BoP because of the TV show and it became by far one of the greatest runs on the comic.
Now, for those of you who do read comics, you would KNOW that Huntress, the one that Helena Bertinelli is BASED on, was actually the daughter of Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle from Earth-2 (the same world as the Justice Society where the heroes started in WWII). Basically Bruce and Selina get married, have a baby girl, then Selina dies.. Helena becomes Huntress, hiding from daddy until daddy dies as well and Helena becomes the Dark Knight for Gotham (as Dick Grayson is grown and an ambassador for the UN and sometimes member of the JSA). Helena goes on to join the JSA and was a brief member of Infinity Inc which was suppose to be the super-hero team without masks (but never achieved that status exactly). So Helena has a long history (in fact she was created by the now former president of DC, Paul Levitz).
Also Dinah Lance in Birds of Prey had powers. She was a psychic.
It should also be noted that despite it's cancellation (and the fact that Smallville is still on the air) when the BoP pilot aired it had the highest ratings of any show on WB (which is now CW) up until that time. It also had the highest ratings with the younger adult audience (like 18-35 I think) than ANY show on WB/CW.
