The 10 Most Evil (to Players) D&D Monsters

By Rob Bricken in Daily Lists
Wednesday, December 3, 2008 at 5:03 am
Gelatinous Cube.jpgBy Teague Bohlen

Dungeons & Dragons is all about killing things, really. Oh, sure, you amass wealth, but ultimately that's just to buy better stuff to kill things with. And yeah, you go up in levels, but that's ultimately so you can just kill cooler stuff. So the beasties are key.

But sometimes the DM is just plain out to get you. Maybe he's bored, maybe he just wants to exert some power, or maybe he's pissed that you took that last slice of the meat-lovers pizza. So instead of going up against something heroic with your fighter, cleric, magic-user, or thief? You get something that has more to do with humiliation than adventuring.  Sort of the difference between the Battle of Thermopylae and the Battle of the Network Stars. Ah be monsters...of the screw-you sort.

10) Mimic
Ah, the classics never get old. That is, until your party suspects every inanimate object that gets a little too much flavor text as being a mimic, and proceeds to not only stay away from it, but destroy it from distance. All this to prevent getting punched in the face by what amounts to a D&D Shmoo.

9) Bag of Devouring

It looks like a bag of holding. Score! But alas, it's not--it's a bag of devouring, which means that all your stuff you just put in there? Burp. This was once thought to be just a simple--if destructive--magic-item, but was revealed in Dragon Magazine to be a feeding orifice of an extra-planar being. I guess the consolation prize is the realization that it could have been the exit-only sort of orifice instead.

8) Xorn
The purpose of this silly-looking thing is to eat your gold. It's a fire hydrant with man-arms and its head is a mouth and it eats your treasure. There's something poetic, I guess, about something this direct; it doesn't cost you money to raise your friends from the dead; it doesn't cost you money by wasting your healing potions or forcing you to repair your armor or hire men-at-arms to help defend you and your party. No, it just comes up to you and demands your precious metals, shoves them into the gaping maw on its split-open head, and then bids you a hearty farewell as it melds back into the stone wall. Too much gold in your party's coffers? Not anymore. No more coffers, either.

7) Rot Grubs
Does anyone not fall for this the first time they play D&D? I mean sure, there's a thing that looks like shiny treasure in the big pile of shit, but it's not really you there, right? Might as well make your character root through the feces, and find--a goddamn rot grub. This is the beauty of gaming; you don't have to actually hike ten miles to the ruined castle; you roll a few random encounters, and pow, you're there, still sitting on your couch with Doritos and Mountain Dew no matter how much you may need the exercise. And that's how every adventurer has a rot grub story. Something's glinting in that pile of garbage and fecal matter, all right: the gleaming opportunity to torch your arm to burn off a few heart-burrowing worms.

6) Gas Spore
gas spore.jpg
Or, more specifically, "Fuck You, This Isn't a Beholder You Morons; Even Though Attacking a Beholder On Sight Would Be the Right Thing to Do, Seeing as How It's One of the Most Dangerous Monsters in the Game What With His Death Ray Eyestalk and All, It's the Exact Wrong Thing To Do for This Monster That's Not a Beholder But Basically a Macy's-Parade Beholder Balloon That When Punctured Releases a Deadly Toxin That Kills You Anyway." But that was too long a name for the Monster Manual typesetters, so they just went with "Gas Spore" and relied on the illustration to carry the real message.

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