"If you want the short version -- and you should seriously it, since this is going to go on for a while"

What does that even mean?

@type-o

It means he left out a word...mostly likely "consider".

I can't wait to NOT see this movie. Great review, I love sending reviews like this to the people who tell me I should just turn my brain off and enjoy it.

"This is not Transformers. It's a movie of the same name. That's it." I got a strange feeling we are going to say the same thing about G.I. Joe.

"This is not Transformers. It's a movie of the same name. That's it." I got a strange feeling we are going to say the same thing about G.I. Joe.

I used to love this site, but these days its just day-late rips from kotaku and io9 (the articles I read on here anyway) and constant, and frankly very boring, 'bayformers' hate.

I loved the movies, and I loved Transformers as a kid. But seriously, have you watched the animated series recently? I have, it is terrible as a movie-concept...hell it wouldn't even do well with kids on tv these days. Three words summarise why the movies are good: Giant.Fighting.Robots. - I'm not the first to say that (obviously) and not the last. You sound like one of those emos who starts hating his favourite band because they went mainstream and everyone loves them.

Get your head out your ass.

Nail+head. The sad part is this piece of epic failure will make more money that UP.

Weep. Weep for all that is lost.

I don't consider myself a huge TF fan, but I found the movie entertaining enough. I do agree w/ your whole review though. The movie lacked a lot of substance, and had a lot of un-needed bits. My major gripe, one that you didn't point out,
*spoiler warning*
is how the Primes brought the Beef back to life. WTF, I found that astoundingly stupid, even for what the rest of the movie was.

I'm proud to say, my standards are lower. Don't get me wrong, I hate Michael Bay as well. But you just seem so angry, I'm sorry you were raped (lube-less) by Transformers, I'm sorry Michael Bay killed your parents, and I'm sorry John Turturro tortured your childhood puppy. Maybe a less biased review next time? no way, not from you.

Here's a gem...

Swoop: Me Swoop no see nothing.
Grimlock: Me Grimlock positive Hot Rod and Kup close.
Slag: Me Slag say you full of beryllium baloney!
Grimlock: Me Grimlock say you full of cesium salami.
Slag: Beryllium baloney!

You're right! This Transformers movie was MUCH better.

;P

Couldn't have said it better myself. Nice review!!

If I want to see things blow up for no reason, I'll watch Mythbusters or Time Warp.

I don't find it impossible that people like Bay's Transformers... It's that they don't care about the franchise, Transformers, or our beloved childhoods... They are the fans of crap, and Bay delivers.

Amen brother. Wonderful revelation about this not being a TFs movie. I will not give my money to bay to see this shit pile and i will continue to hate this movie even after hearing the cries of all the assholes that will invaritably say "how can you hate something you havent seen?" to which i will respond ive seen enough footage and previews to be sickened to the point and read enough about the atrocity that is this movie to sleep just fine not ever seeing it

I agree with every single thing said here! I remember back in the 80's when the Transformers used to have dignity.

Bay is like FanFiction Friday; Destroying your childhood heroes and making your eyes bleed -.-

I have posted on this site a couple of times in the past defending the first transformers movie which I genuinely enjoyed. And while there are a few points I could defend about this movie, I honestly wouldn't even bother because for the most part you are absolutely right. I could try and point out the parts of the movie that you said Michael bay may no effort to follow the continuity, and try to show where he did. But I honestly can't trust myself that my mind isn't just trying to salvage what was over all a totally lackluster movie going experience.
And as for the twins, First of let me make it clear. I am black. And yes they were racist. And frankly so was the very "guido-esqe" Wheelie. But about half way through the film I realized that they were honestly the best thing in the film. BEcause even though they talked like idiots and were totally drawn like the old racist cartoon characters, atleast, atleast they made me chuckle every now and again.

Great review, I have been hearing a lot of these same points from around the internets. I think it all comes down to respect, respecting the franchise, respecting the FANS and the audience. I don't want to participate in any activity that is basically going to yell at me and call me a dumbfuck for 2+ hours and that is the impression I get with TF.

Star Trek for one proved you can a) "restart" a beloved franchise in a way that respects the history and concepts of the original as well as the fans of it and b) provide not only kick-ass action but a decent storyline that also respects the intelligence of the audience.

SO, yeah IT CAN BE DONE... Michael Bay just needs to pull his head out of his own ass.

Great review. I agree with everything you say.

Very Good review! You said everything about what I think of the (first) movie and his defender. And I trust you on word for this second movie.

Don't worry, J, as soon as the movie is forgotten by the audiences who laughed and cheered at racial caricatures and cybertronian genetalia for the next "bright lights, pretty color" display, this site will stop covering 'bayformers and get back to what it does: deliver daily geek lists first thing in the morning, provide humorous commentary on geek-centric news that appears throughout the day as they find them, post bad fan fiction on Friday and end the week with a contest.

Oh wait, that's what it's been doing!

So Rob, please keep your head firmly within your ass, because that seems to keep drawing me back everyday for the funny!

Now that's out of your system, can we get back to the business of enjoying nerdy things?

MerlinTWizard — One more post, and then yeah. Until TF3.

For the most part, I was vaguely entertained by the Transformers film. I fully and readily admit that it was retarded beyond belief and the story made no fucking sense whatsoever. But I'm not the biggest Transformers fan, and all I really wanted was pretty fight scenes, which I for the most part got. So I can't really complain.

However, I fully understand how fans of Transformers could be so up in arms about this. As I myself am looking ahead to have to sit through GI Joe later this summer, I am sure I will be feeling then what Transformers fans are feeling now. When you really love something that you grew up with, to see it treated so badly now is hearth wrenching. The GI Joe movie is going to break my heart, and so I sympathize with you Transformers fans over the broken hearts that this film has given you.

Let's all go lynch Michael Bay. That'll make everyone feel better.

It's sort of amazing how bad this movie was, it was basically the ultimate representation of everything that is wrong with filmmaking of this decade, sort of like how Batman and Robin was the ultimate representation of everything that was wrong with filmmaking in the 90s.

But anyways, good review Rob.

Now I was too young to really get into the franchise, but I remember watching the cartoon when I was like 5, and wanted an Optimus Prime toy in the worst way. Beyond the cartoon, that was all I really knew, it wasn't until the first movie came out that I learned there were comic books and so on.

The first movie comes out, I saw that the earliest I could get a ticket. It was like being 5 again, and I made up for my childhood and got a Prime toy from the movie.

The second movie was full of stupid shit, douche chill inducing stupid shit, but I liked it nonetheless because the action and effects were great.

Maybe it's because my exposure to Transformers as a kid wasn't as much as a lot of other people, so I don't have the level of nostalgia. However, Micheal Bay's dumb shit aside, I enjoy the movies because it's still a nostalgia trip for me.

Just saying is all.

As a non TF fan, I found the first move it be okay, at best. Like you said, its about the boy, not the robots. I'm not sure I could have named half the robots based on the first move (Optimus, Bumbleebee, Jazz, and ...?), and I couldn't have cared less about which one died, as they had little to no personalities. I thought Bumblebee talking in radio was kind of clever, but since the others managed to speak normally, it was kind of moot. The character that annoyed me most was Megan Fox's, but that a different story.

I have none of the animosty you feel for this, but based on your highly amusing review, I can safely say pass on this and all the future installments. :)

@J- at least the original had giant fighting robots that you could recognize, and discern from the others by something other that "Oh, those two are fighting, so one of them MUST be evil." And prime had dignity, not some stupid hot rod flame job that I liked better when Arlen Roth had it on his guitar. Gorramit! Now all I want is an Optimus Prime guitar.

It just goes to show that Michael Bay has made one movie in his career and he keeps recycling it over and over again with a different title and actors.

"Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is not a Transformers movie."

Congratulations. You just wasted two and a half hours of your life watching Bad Boys vs. Giant Robots…The Sequel.

J, you are everything that is wrong with movie-goers nowadays. First of all, let him have his opinion (though what this mostly is is a brutally honest analysis). Next, I guarantee you that LITERALLY any idea can be turned into a legitimate movie. The excuse that Transformers was limp in the old days doesn't fly. Reimaginings work, as long as the director has a fucking brain in his skull.

This review essentially sums up exactly how I felt about Terminator Salvation. Pure, epic, stupidity. I can't shut my brain down, and while TS was far from the worst movie I've ever seen, I found myself unable to enjoy and questioning every single stupid ridiculous nonsense thing that popped up. Where in the nuclear irradiated wastelands where the world is a desert and vegetation ceases to exist, did survivors scroung together the most succulent juicy and delicious carrots I've ever seen? My local grocery store never stocked suck scrumptious lookign veges. Why did the superhuman death machines graba nd throw ever human they coiuld reach, when they could crush a human skull in hand like a newborn baby bird or smother them with their sheer mass? Why are humans living anywhere on the surface of the planet (and maintaining air bases), when Skynet controls ALL satelites and can see individual camp fires from space?Nothing made sense in context of the world Salvation was bringing to the table, and nothing followed the continuinity that was established by the first 2 movies or the crappy 3rd thrid movie that ignored the series before it extensively. A single aspect carried over, and that was the ending, and even there Salvation lost sight of all that the end encompassed. Skynet is software and has now system core, but Salvations big plot point is defeating Skynet's system core once and for all in the ultimate WTF Xanatos clustefuck!

I won't be seeing Transformers 2 for the same reason I didn't see Transformers 1 until someone forced a bootleg burned DVD copy on me. My brain actually serves a purpose beyond preventing my skull from caving in, and Transformers was made for the kind of person who uses his/her brain solely as a device to prevent critical existence failure by skull mass head implosion. All material passes through one ear canal and out the other. Nothing is absorbed, nothing retained, nothing is there to absorb or retain, and the the viewer is as they were before seeing the film. Dumb and oblivious.

God just shut the fuck up already.

OK, look. The Transformers cartoon (also GI Joe) ruled when I was ten years old. Plot was optional. I'm now thirty with a kid of my own, and if I want to see a movie with a plot (or lack thereof) aimed at 10-year-olds, I'll go see the stupid Ice Age movie or something Pixar. Michael Bay's target audience is ..... hell, what? Not me, for sure. This movie isn't appropriate for little kids (pot brownies and Megan Fox? Not my kid, anyway.) Frankly, this would be a lot better if they cut the dialogue out and just called this "ROBOTS VS. ROBOTS VS. MILITARY: STUFF BLOWS UP REAL GOOD". Why even pretend there's a story?

That wasn't a review, it was just a bashing of the movie.
Did the movie suck? I dunno, I haven't seen it yet but seeing as Michael Bay directed it, it probably did.

Now the major problem here is that Rob can't seem to embrace the reality that we live in. Could they have made a transformers movie that didn't completely suck and stayed very close to the canon? Yes. Would it have made them anywhere close to this amount of money? No. If you feel like arguing that point then you definitely don't understand why movies are made. They are made to make money.

Luckily for us some movies like Ironman, Batman and Spiderman (the third one doesn't count for what I'm about to say, that was Sony fucking over the franchise... for more money) can be made in an intelligent and entertaining fashion while sticking with the material and appealing to the original fans. Transformers couldn't do that because it's about robots. Robots aren't people. It's a little hard for the average person to give a shit about a robot when they barely give a shit about their neighbour so basically you have Shia the Beef show up to add that human element and essentially fuck up the movie for all the original fans.
Hell, even the original series had spike and daniel.

I'm not a fan of Michael Bay, I'm a fan of the original Transformers series and subsequent movie. I'm going to go watch Revenge of the Fallen and try to enjoy it as best I can. Why? Cause it's the best we're going to fucking get, so I'm gonna deal with it.

I totally agree with you on this one.

I took my son and wife to see this opening day. My son Loved it but he is also 5 years old. I have only ever walked out on two movies in my whole life (The Corpse Bride and Step Brothers) and if my 5 year old son was not there i would have gotten up and left.

I am deeply saddened for today's kids that think Michael Bay's Transformers s even close to what a real Transformer is...

I have not seen the original, and I will never see this one, but I as still waiting for the next in this franchise:

Transformers: Limitless Mecha Autobot Overload

Get a fucking copy editor. Trying to read some of your "sentences" is a chore. Especially when you talk about illiterate robots, and 2 paragraphs later you have 2 or three sentences that have no structure and have dropped and/or misspelled words. And you say you get paid to blog? I'd pull my advertising based on your poorly written entries.

Preach it, Rob.

Everyone can bitch about how "good" the movie was and all one would have to mention is the racist twins and win the argument. I rest my case.

If you're looking for mass destruction and aliens from space, but with a story, check out Pyramids of Mars (www.pyramidsofmars.com). At the very least it won't blow your eardrums out!

It's kind of a sad time to be a geek.

I mean, yes, we've had a few hits. We had Iron Man, we had Star Trek, we had The Dark Knight.

But then, we have GI Joe, Transformers 2, Terminator 4, and a plethora of other mediocre-to-bad films aimed at us. Movies that I couldn't be arsed to see in the theaters because they seemed so unlikeable and half-assed.

It's like the jocks figured out that geek money is worth something, and have started making movies they "think" we'd like. However, as they think our interests are all "stupid geek crap" they're just sort of throwing names on unassociated things, making a less-than-modest effort to match the source material, and trying to placate us with "badass" stuff they'd like (balls on trucks, explosions, Marlon Wayans in a flying suit) and "hot" chicks (Megan Fox, who has as much sex appeal as a blow-up doll).

They don't know us, don't like us, and don't know what we like... So they fake it.

Michael Bay isn't a geek. He isn't a nerd. He's a preppy schmuck who makes his films in an effort to patronize and mock the geek community. Look at his work: It's clearly aimed at Type-A personalities and obnoxious guys who think 'splosions are cool.

Do we have any doubt that GI Joe is going to be the same sort of "I have a vague idea about that franchise" effort from the writers and director?

And Terminator Salvation... It was like someone who hates the story in Terminator got their hands on the franchise and decided to "fix" it.

Meanwhile, TV shows that are truly geek-worthy get cancelled, SciFi drops scifi to become SyFy, and the shows that are perceived to be geek-worthy but aren't, like "Heroes" are so mind-numbingly dumbed-down that real geeks gather to make fun of them as our only source of prime time entertainment.

We're in a geek entertainment drought right now. The jocks regained control of the TV and movie studios, and the nerds are fighting to get them back and make the geek-appeal movies the right way.

Be prepared for a slew of "heartfelt" sports movies and tear-jerker, shopping-oriented chickflicks, guys. The Geekocalypse has come. We're in the middle of armageekdon. We've twilight of the geeks is upon us.

If we don't get some of our guys to make some serious box office again soon, we may never see another good geek movie.

Sic Semper Jockulus!

@Gorbash

And with that comment, you've pretty much guaranteed that nobody will be hanging around Drunk Geek Productions' website.

`You want precise editing, go read the Washington Post. Rob's got a good site here, and being a douche about his writing style isn't going to win you any friends here.

A film adaptation of an established franchise (toy, cartoon, book or otherwise) should walk the fine line of appreciating the source material's fans while standing on its own two feet. In a perfect world, both hardcore enthusiasts and mainstream filmgoers should walk away satisfied. I remember watching the first Transformers film as a double-bill with Ratatouille, and how the former gave me a very literal headache. There's no way I would willingly repeat this experience with the sequel, given its horrific length (2.5 hours) and the immense amount of bad press it's received. Bay has no ability to reign himself in when it comes to his filmmaking choices, and since all anyone in the industry really cares about at the end of the day are the totals, he's going to be around for a long, long time. It's just too bad no one else got a shot to turn this into a fun series of films. We shouldn't have to turn our minds off to enjoy a film (Iron Man / Dark Knight being great cited examples), and we shouldn't have to be intimidated by those who aren't concerned with being given the barest minimum of quality. Sorry, but we deserve better. Yes, even from a Giant Robot Movie.

Does this mean there's going to be another South Park episode where Speilberg and a director rape something from my childhood together?

I'm not sure I could watch that happen to Optimus.

correction: * the Twilight of the Geeks... yada yada yada.

(It's not like there's a "Preview" pane here.)

Reading the 2nd page, I'm starting to get a mental image. It sounds like Twenty Minutes With Jerks stretched into the length of an entire film.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TwentyMinutesWithJerks

I have to agree that you sound like an Emo who instead of cutting his wrists whines about how the plot of a cartoon meant to sell toys was raped by people seeking to sell more toys.

You complain about the robot twins in this movie being a racist element,yet you sing continous praise to a series like GI JOE,one of the most chauvinistic and xenofobic plots to be ever made.(Good american soldiers V.S. Evil non-american
people who form part of some terrorist retarded army of Evil)

If you did pay attention to the movie instead of crying over your pop corn you may also have noticed the RC little bot also couldn't read the symbols so that was the excuse used to go find Granpa Bot (that doesnt make the plot any more intelligent,but then again the whole concept of the original series/toys.etc was epically dumb and senseless as well)

Grow up and realize that even though you pay for toys as well,maybe the more expensive ones,you're still not the target market anymore (and if you were,gods help us,this movies would be equally dumb anyway,just a little more whiny)

Say what you want about Michael Bay but I will defend The Rock to the death.

I loved the shitting your pants blurb-now if they'd only run that on a TV spot :)

aren't the other robots that no one can figure out who they are the go-bots?

Speaking as someone who enjoyed the first movie, and big dumb summer blockbusters in general, I truly despised this terrible film. I just couldn't get past the incoherent plot, the lame humor (seriously, did Bay hire the Disaster Movie guys to punch this thing up) the shockingly boring action, and the unnecessary length (I don't understand why a "turn off your brain" movie like needs to be almost as long as Saving Private Ryan). I think ILM did a great job with the effects, but that alone does not a good movie make.

This ostensibly was a $250 million B movie, and it sucked.

You make some good points about the continuity between the scenes but with the bashing anger of the post, it is very easy for me to dismiss your rantings.

I really enjoyed the movie and am planning on seeing it again in IMAX. I watched the midnight movie on Tuesday/Wednesday.
Yes there were some really terrible things that they did in the movie like Devastator's balls. Which if you look at the vehicles, where did the second ball come from? Only one vehicle has a wrecking ball. And it only has ONE.
But it had some really good pieces as well. The lines that the mom spouts out at college are hilarious. Sam getting his cherry popped still makes me laugh.
And it is Ancient Cybertronian that the twins can't read. They even go on to say that it may only be taught to Decepticons. Which makes me question where did Wheelie come from? Was he animated by the shard or is he from Soundwave? And why does the shard only activate Decepticons?
The whole Jetfire teleportation, Ancient Seekers make Space Bridges. Old series had space bridges, they had to come from somewhere, right? The lack of control that Jetfire has led to the whole continuity thing, is what I think happened. Yes, it does not make sense that he teleported people not next to him, but it is not like they all arrived in the same spot. The distance between the arrival points seemed to bridge the continuity between the scenes.
Wow, I could go on all day.

In summary, you went in expecting to hate it so you did. It is not that some of us turned off our brains but took the movie for what it is and tryed to pay attention to those scenes that made it better.

Transformers 2 was a shitty movie, I'm not too fussy about the franchise or any canon, but when I left that movie I felt like I just spent 150 minutes watching nothing really happen. When there was bits of plot floating around in this movie they were so generic that you didn't need to really pay attention to what was being said because you've seen it in every other generic reluctant teenager with a destiny movie. But what I don't get is how you can make a movie where its main draw is meant to be giant robots fighting boring, for the most part they aren't even really fighting, well not fighting that makes any impact upon what's happening, they're just killing time while the humans run away from explosions or the occasional robot.
I still don't understand why people bring their kids to these movies except that they couldn't get anyone to look after their kid or they hold some sort of grudge against anyone else in the cinema who doesn't have a young child to scream or talk loudly throughout the whole movie or they then inevitably leave because they took them to a movie that was never meant for young kids. Some teacher thought it would be a smart idea to bring a class of young kids along for a field trip to my session because M15+ movies is apparently where you take your noisy young children with short attention spans for nearly 3 hours. I can only see why Bays Transformers films would be fun for 15 year old guys (does anyone else like Megan Fox?) and people that think turning your brain off makes a movie "better" then accepting it out for the mindless rubbish it was. I went in hoping that the robot fights would make up for enough if the plot was really as bad as the critics were saying but I left the cinema feeling like I sat in front of a screen for nearly 3 hours where nothing that happened actually meant anything, there was just stuff...and it just kind of happened, then when you look back on that stuff you realise you just saw a movie where dogs fucking, wrecking ball testicles and hash brownies = laughs.
In the end it makes me the idiot for spending money on another Transformers movie, time to go to bed and sleep amidst my pillows all soggy with tears knowing that I actively sought out to watch Transformers 2.

So you're telling us that you didn't like it?

And the best conclusion of all to be drawn from this is the fact that none of us would be geeks in the first place if the originals hadn't been so good! ALL of these terrible films are just coattail riding to make some bucks in a seriously beleaguered industry. I think sometimes that it's dooming all of it to irrelevancy by destroying the possibility that the current generation won't bond with the material in the same way. I loved the things I loved as a child (anime, Masters, japanese toys, Joe, D & D, et. al.) because they were at the very least filled with imagination and at best, as with early anime, smart and like nothing I'd ever seen before. These days even most video games have been dumbed down to Bay-like proportions.

I'm hoping and praying that there's still some spark somewhere, and that entertainment of real depth has just gone underground, gathering its strength and waiting to spring.

Rob continues to be the man in my eyes. I couldn't have said it better myself. :)

For my official response to this mess, go to the pre-review rant. I left a few thoughts there.

Why are blogs read? To hear the opinion of the blogger.
"Fair and balanced" is Fox News territory anyhow (that was a joke, I swear).The point of a blog (to me) seems to be that you follow the whim of the blogger, and if you like enough of it, you keep following. What about this blog ever suggested it wasn't biased in some way towards any subject? Being a geek or nerd seems to be caring more than you should about something that seems silly, like whether a movie about fighting robots has a plot or continuity, like a movie should. But at least it's caring, unlike what the director, and producer, and writer (share the blame people) seem to do.

Whats wrong with turning off your brain? Everything.

Another example of why Japan should be in charge of everything robot related.

Can we all stop hating? It's been 3 days and we all know anyone with geek cred is supposed to hate TF2. But enough. enough racism cries, enough devastator whining, enough bay crying about. There is a Twilight sequel and GI Joe coming out soon. Can we not all just get along long enough to spew venomous hate on both of those.

Well, there goes Topless Robot's exclusive interview with Michael Bay.

Seriously, this is your most epic article ever, and boy, did you nail the problems with these movies. Bay does not care about the Transformers - they are just ways to show "awesome" special effects and create explosions.

Transformers has always been more to me than just a frivolous cartoon I grew up with in my youth. It's my favorite fictional world, and a lot of that was due to there being some heart at its core that Bay's crapfests distinctly lack. I don't know how anyone can seriously criticize people who didn't like these films. I can understand that people are entertained by the spectacle, but it's only Transformers in a very superficial way. It's a shame that this version of Transformers is now what the general public knows Transformers as.

And for the person who said that the addition of a better plot or deeper characters would have hurt the box office, that's B.S. You can't honestly believe that Bay has created the optimal formula here. I think a combination of action, effects and good storytelling is the key to continued success of the franchise. As it is, these movies are not going to age well.

I'm a TF fan! The first movie was epic but I'm sad to say the second was a fail!

I really enjoyed the first Transformers movie, but it seemed Bay and Co. didn't give a shit this film;the plot was fucking terrible, as was the complete lack of continuity, likewise the the film in general felt pretty soulless, anything audience could relate to was buried in a sea of mindless f/x. I will say that T2 had it's moments; some of the fight scenes were undeniably bad ass,the whole movie(excluding the last awful 40 minutes/half hour or so were entertaining on a base level. While some of the humor actually worked, most of it was highly obnoxious and forced..and the racist twins..I thought they couldn't get anymore offensive with them,but then came the illiteracy gag, my jaw actually dropped. I am all for politically incorrect humor, but this was handled so terribly, without any wit or satire, that if I was black, I probably would be pretty pissed. While I didnt think it was the cinematic Armageddon that Rob seems to believe it is, I certainly can't fault him for thinking it, T2 isn't a good movie and is lazy film making. This leaves me depressed for this summers offerings, last year we had Dark Knight, Hellboy 2, Iron Man and Tropic Thunder this summer so far as been one of the worst in memory with year one, T4, T2, Wolverine, Land of the Lost, etc. This summer so far has been a cinematic wasteland, the only good mainstream films have been Drag me to hell and the awesome Star Trek.

So I'm curious, with all this energy spent on hating Transformers will anyone have any energy left to hate a he-man movie where the evil sorcerer Skeletor seeks to destroy Magic and has to be stopped by Prince Adam the solider??

Man, what is wrong with some of you? "This wasn't a review"?? Uh, let's see...he expressed his opinions on the plot, the humour, the direction, the cinematography...I don't know about you, but that sounds like a fucking review to me.

Oh, wait, I guess you all forgot to mention that you took issue with his lack of attention to the mise-en-scène of the film, and no references to François Truffaut. What's that? You weren't going to complain about that? You're just whining because he gave a negative review that you don't agree with? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Newsflash, asshats: A review can be negative and still be a review. Get over yourselves.

I loathed the first Bayformers movie, fucking hated it! And refuse to see the second one. So if it makes us elitists that want some childhood memories treated with a little respect, then yes I'm elitist.

If anything this a call to arms to kill Michael Bay.

A film adaptation of an established franchise (toy, cartoon, book or otherwise) should walk the fine line of appreciating the source material's fans while standing on its own two feet. In a perfect world, both hardcore enthusiasts and mainstream filmgoers should walk away satisfied. I remember watching the first Transformers film as a double-bill with Ratatouille, and how the former gave me a very literal headache. There's no way I would willingly repeat this experience with the sequel, given its horrific length (2.5 hours) and the immense amount of bad press it's received. Bay has no ability to reign himself in when it comes to his filmmaking choices, and since all anyone in the industry really cares about at the end of the day are the totals, he's going to be around for a long, long time. It's just too bad no one else got a shot to turn this into a fun series of films. We shouldn't have to turn our minds off to enjoy a film (Iron Man / Dark Knight being great cited examples), and we shouldn't have to be intimidated by those who aren't concerned with being given the barest minimum of quality. Sorry, but we deserve better. Yes, even from a Giant Robot Movie.

Matt, let's not make death threats against the man. Rather, let's wish upon him a much more humiliating fate he has to live with, like being trapped for hours under a pair of giant, oily robot testicles.

Well I already said I fucking hate this film/franchise/Michael Bay and God for allowing this to happen in his creation so I'm not expressing anything new here, but what is apparent is that we have a schism forming in Nerdom - those that like this heap of shit Vs those that don't.

And if you actually read all of the above posts it's quite fundimental.

Those that can "turn their brain off" actually have what envy I can spare because that seems to be the only way that you can enjoy a "film" of this type. If you can totally suspend just about every critical faculty you have then you are a defender (I would normally label as Bay-Apologist but not today) and can enjoy the specticle for what it is - loud bangs, humour at the 8-year old level and lots of pretty lights. Oh, and some vaguely Transformer related Robot shapes wondering in and out of focus.

But I JUST CAN'T TURN WHAT'S LEFT OF MY BRAIN OFF! I keep nudging myself every couple of seconds "this is complete shit, isn't there something better you could be using precious synapses on?" and if you can't get past that reaction then you are truely fucked for the 2 and a bit hours that TF2 takes to hit the bottom of the pan. And sink.

And that's where I think Rob is coming from, and I totally fucking agree.

Now lets all pretend it never happened and hope Space/Time/Reality collapses before I have to contend with a third installment.

Wow. Now I really have no reason to pay $10 towards Michael Bay's awesome house/pool/kitty. Glad I dodged THAT bullet.

In the leadup to this movie, my overriding feeling was pretty much apathy. I was never into Transformers as a kid, so I didn't really care how badly the new movies suck. However, a couple days ago the following thought occurred to me: What if this had been done to my beloved Star Trek? I would be furious!

Hell, isn't this what Star Wars fans went through when the prequals came out?

"Or I should say: Transformers 2 has all of these things, but only insofar as they serve Bay's spectacles. The plot changes randomly to serve whatever action set-piece is coming up next, thanks to three utterly interchangeable macguffins of the Allspark shard, the symbols the shard puts in the Beef's brain, and then also the Beef himself. Characters disappear and re-appear randomly, just so Bay can get the scenes how he wants them -- what does it matter if Bumblebee was standing next to Sam a minute ago? It's cooler to have Sam and Mikaela run in terror from Decepticons for 10 minutes, then have their asses saved by Bumblebee at the last second. Shit gets made up on the fly, just so Bay can half-assedly connect the dots between his scenes. Need to get the characters to Egypt? Well, the elderly Transformer can teleport for some reason, and hey, he might as well teleport Bumblebee and the Racist Twins along too, although they were nowhere nearby in the previous scene. Bay has never cared much about continuity before, but Transformers 2 never once even cares about making sense."
So... exactly like G1, then?

Saw this yesterday. Suddenly I'm relying on the GI Joe movie to save the summer. Let me say that again. I'm now relying on GI Joe movie to save the summer.

Also, the thing that pissed me off the most other than the racist twins, naked man ass, robots with 1 line and no personalities, everything else you said,

F'ng Prime murdering a beaten decepticon in cold blood at the beginning of the movie. I mean, the hell?

If you want to make a movie about a leader going to the dark side (aka Apocolypse Now...like Michael Bay "joked" about), that's fine. Make it the story. Make it the story of Prime's deterioration and rebirth. But for the matrix's sake, don't f'ng have him be a murderer in some throw-away scene without any followup. That was ridiculous.

"A Transformers film would have featured robots with personalities"
Only if it was based on Beast Wars or Animated, since those are the only continuities that actually gave anyone character development...

I like the first Transformers movie a lot (despite the boring hacking subplot) and if this one had been anything remotely like that in pace and characterization, I would have been satisfied. Instead, everything you said just can not be defended. I'm with you.

Bay should go direct the F'ng Go-Bots movie and leave TF3 to anyone else outside Udo Kier, Brett Ratner, or McG.

Grown men complaining about a movie based on a children's franchise. Interesting.

Ok yeh some of the fight scenes were kinda confusing with bits of God knows what flying all over the place but they were no where near as confusing as he makes out. Are you honestly telling me during the Optimus/Megatron/Starscream/ Blackout fight you can't tell who is who? Sorry you're REALLY over exaggerating. Or lying.

@Zach S: Word, as the kids say these days.

And really? Someone's argument against an insightful review is to comment on the grammar? What the holy fudge...kinda hard to use that as an argument when the Robot-in-Charge himself admits he's a typo-writing bastard.

I have no intention to see this film (and will gladly judge from just what I've seen), as nearly every one of the arguments made in the review (and in other comments) applied to the first one for me. Bay cocked that one up pretty royally, so I'll not rush out to see/rent this one.

And, good review, as always. It will be a far sadder world if you do indeed pull your head out of your Emo ass, as some have suggested.

A little over dramatic arent we? jesus.

Rob, you're a wonderfully insightful man, but I just can't agree here. It is not the best put-together film, but the fact is that Transformers 2 is really the best film that could be made with the license. If it was JUST about robots that turn into trucks and motorcycles and adhered more closely to it's origins as an 80's toy line for children, it would have been even more brainless. The plot would've been just as thin, if not more so, and the designs would all look blocky and child-friendly. It'd have been a hideous nightmare of 80's nostalgia and pandering to a new audience of children. I'm happy with what we have; at least I don't feel like a 5 year-old watching it. Nearly this whole thing goes for GI Joe as well.

Men, I guess I even had hope for the movie when Optimus died and I thought "F*ck, where's Rodimus???" but no.
There are a lot of transformers in this movie, but not many characters, they're just extras.
I guess I just hope someday someone worthy updates the original animated movie, which rocked.

Well, I just got back from watching it for the second time, and trying to be more critical and look for anything i missed and what not.

But you know what? I think I actually liked it more the second time.

For more details of what I thought go to yesterday's pre-review rant and see comment 5ish or something. If ya care to.

I looked for the racism in the twins I did, but they seemed a whole hell of a lot less black (even though one of the voice actors IS black, but w/e) and way more like posers trying to be cool, I didn't see any other Autobots saying how great the twins were. And the illiterate thing people keep saying is retarded. How about I hand you an old English manuscript from 1350 A.D,? are you gonna be able to make heads or tails of it? I highly doubt it. Plus neither bumblebee or wheelie could either. People are trying to blow this out of proportion.

Because remember: TRANSFORMERS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!!!!!!11!!!!111

sigh.

P.S. I'm curious, Rob do you read ALL of the comments people make on your posts? Even ones with a ton of comments like this one?

ninja6fett — Every single one.

I hate when no one respects the fans. Without us, we wouldn't have watched the original in the first damn place. We wouldn't see the new ones, wouldn't reccomend them or take our kin to them. so without us, movies like these would be staggeringly less successful, or wouldn't exist at all.

Rob said:

ninja6fett — Every single one

Damn that was quick lol. But thank you kindly for responding.

An additional adddendum to my posts: I'm not gonna hate on anyone who hates the movie. I'll disagree with some of the arguements about why it sucked, but won't say someone SHOULD like it and is WRONG for hating it.

I liked it, so did others, but a bunch of people didn't, and that's their right. I didn't turn of my brain to see it or like it nor really should anyone have to. What does get me down is people insulting me and others for liking it saying I'm retarded or what not. (and I have seen comments to that effect). Rob just seems to be bewildered by those of us who enjoyed it :P

I love what people consider amazing movies like Dark Knight and Iron Man and The Godfather and Leon the Professional et al. But if I happen to like a movie that isn't a cinematic masterpiece I'm retarded? gah.

how bout you guys go out and get laid instead of just sitting around on the computer and complaining when no one even gives a damn bout what you say cause this movie is going to make millions anyways

I agree with your review inso far as its a valid view. But remember, Transformers never had REAL substance. It was a Cartoon. This film, in my opinion, is the closest we could get without failing.

And I've got to agree with nFett. Sometimes all I want is Big Bot wailing on some junk heads.

As to the Twins, I have this to say: they are a caricature in the most direct sense. They were making fun of a sterotype while still driving the plot along. For example, the reading bit. I agree, once more, with nFett.

But yeah, I enjoyed the film, my girlfriend enjoyed the film. We got too see Transformers kicking ass. We got to see their human counterparts kicking ass along side them. And the humans, they were just as fun as the robots. Equal focus, unlike the first film.

The WolfMan said: "Robots aren't people. It's a little hard for the average person to give a shit about a robot when they barely give a shit about their neighbour..."

WALL-E disagrees. Everybody gave a shit about him.

The WolfMan said: "Robots aren't people. It's a little hard for the average person to give a shit about a robot when they barely give a shit about their neighbour..."

WALL-E disagrees. Everybody gave a shit about him.

Still waiting for someone to counter this negative review with positive things they liked about the film.

So far, I agree with all 743 negatives that were given in the review. And I'm not some hater. I hate haters. And I love the first movie. But I've yet to read any posts here that go into details of things they liked about this movie. I can give you a list of items from the first. Can you give me a list of items from the second?

The WolfMan said:

"Robots aren't people. It's a little hard for the average person to give a shit about a robot when they barely give a shit about their neighbour..."

WALL*E. That's all I have to say--that and I'll cite the IKEA commercial where they made the viewer feel pity for a desk lamp within the span of 30 seconds. People can sympathize with non-human characters so long as they evidence a basic humanity and evoke the human struggle.

Things I liked... Here we go! MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT

1. Megatron: he was great he was a character this time, rather than just yelling. He was much more impressive this time around. And he was a badass tank rather than a jet.

2. Starscream: Sooooo much more with him this time around. His voice actor did a fantastic job at being a more serious version of Chris Latta (just like he did in G.I. Joe resolute)

3. The scenes with just the decepticons talking. especially the megatron starscream stuff.

4.the transformer CGI was fantastic, some of it was ridiculously realistic.

5. Prime's obsession with destroying faces. That is both awesome and hilarious. Let's count em up.
1. Demolisher
2. Starscream (and him ripping off SS's arm and beating him with it was good too)
3. Megatron
4. Grindor
5. The Fallen
that's a lot of face smashing for one bot.

6 the forest fight was win in my opinion. (also the complaints about where were the other autobots if ya listen to the dialogue before the forest scene starts they say the Autobots are on the move and are splitting up into two teams to deal with the new decepticon activity.

7. Sound. Wave. Frank Welker was great and I did hear a little bit of a metallic quality to the voice just not the extremely heavy one used in the 80s. It was still great.

8. Ravage stealing the Allspark fragment.

9. Bumblebee beating the hell out of Alice.

10. john Turturro, despite the mooning did an excellent job in my opinion.

11. Jetfire was good in my opinion. Yes he was a cantankerous old 'bot, but he was a definite character. I was watching a character in those scenes, and I liked it.

If ya want more I'll give em to ya.

The Transformers have no personalities because Bay doesn't give a shit about them. He just wants to blow shit up, and the giant robots are only a means to that end.

Thank you for summing up exactly how I feel about these movies.

I love you! Lovely, funny, genuine review. I read it with glee, even though I am never, ever attempting to see this movie or any future Michael Bay movies. Thanks!

I was going to add something here, but I think you've pretty much covered it.

I have no emotional attachment to the franchise personally, but by any movie standard it was horrendous. So incredibly bad that straight away after being dragged to it I grabbed my disillusioned movie companion and marched straight through the confused looking and silent crowd over to the next showing of Star Trek.
The little theatre was only about half full, but when that movie ended everyone was chattering happily to one another, and you know what? They clapped.

I can't imagine what it must be like to have some franchises be treated so well (in a time of so many reboots) and then one you love treated so terribly poor.

ninja6fette pretty much summed up the oasis's of awesome in this fecal sea of a movie.

Great quotes:
Jetfire: "My father was the first wheel! and you know what he transformed into? NOTHING! But he did so with HONOR!"
Lol, take your pills grandpa, it's time for your 1pm nap.

Starscream: "Sometimes cowards...survive."
Characterization! YAY!

Skids/Mudflap/Sam's roommate:
"Sorry...i just had like a panic attack"
"Well that's cause you're a pussy."
*knucklebump*

And leg humping aside, i'll never tire of Wheelie calling Megan Fox a crazy bitch.

One of my favorite scenes came in the begining, when Prime parachuted off a C17, transforming in mid-air and again when he hit the ground.
It was pretty heroic-looking, even if he was ruthlessly hunting down Decepticons who seemingly only wanted to hide out in peace.

I was incredibly sad after seeing this movie. I hope with all my heart someone can redeem transformers name, because right now... its in the category with Xmen and the desecration those movies brought.

All I can say is I'm glad I snuck into the Hangover to make me feel better afterwards.

J said:
"But seriously, have you watched the animated series recently? I have, it is terrible as a movie-concept...hell it wouldn't even do well with kids on tv these days. Three words summarise why the movies are good: Giant.Fighting.Robots. - I'm not the first to say that (obviously) and not the last. You sound like one of those emos who starts hating his favourite band because they went mainstream and everyone loves them.

Get your head out your ass."

A Bay fan telling us to get our head out of our ass? Interesting.

I've seen this argument come up a lot. The whole, "have you seen the old cartoon recently?" As if, since the old cartoon was silly its okay for the new live-action movie to be silly too. Really? It's okay for a movie to suck if the original source material sucked too?

Let me tell you something. Transformers is a cool property because at its core...the very core of it, is very cool. That's why Spielberg, di Boneventura decided it was worth bringing to the big screen. Just because a lower budget cartoon from the 80's had flaws doesn't guys with a bigger budget and the hindsight of looking back get to mess up.

Remember "Pirates of the Caribbean"? Before that movie came out everyone was all, "why the frick are they making a movie out of a ride at Disneyland?" That ride had no deep story or characters and yet ... bam, the movie (the first one anyways) was a big success and....wow, entertaining to watch. It had fight scenes I could follow, I understood why people were doing what they were doing . . . all this from a ride a Disneyland.

So if Gore Verbinski, Ted Elliot, Terry Rosio, and friends could do it why can't Spielberg & Bay do it with "Transformers"? So enough with this "the cartoon was cheezy I'm glad they didn't follow it" argument. I don't think it holds when other creative teams are doing a good job with their big screen adaptations.

Oh by the way, for a stupid cartoon, here's a few things they did smarter than Bayformers.

1.) The Transformers crashed on Earth on a ship. In Bayformers, they just hurl themselves through space like asteroids , hit our atmosphere, burn up, and crash. That's fine if they were so uber tough they could do that. However, later on we find out they are weak to HEAT rounds. Huh?

2.) Teletran 1 (the autobot's computer) sent out a probe to scan various vehicles on Earth then rebuilt the damaged Autobots so they can travel about the new "alien" planet (our Earth) in disguise. Its obvious that rebuilding your body to tranform into one form is pretty rare and quite the undertaking. Most Autobots had it happen to them only once.

However, Bayformers can do it anytime they want. Bumblebee can just scan a passing Camaro and change into it. That amount of reconfiguration is on the scale of nano tech. Which is fine if that's the direction they're going with, but if you're made up of nano-tech why do you need moving wheels, shocks, bars, at other large parts? Why don't you just look like the t1000? Bayformers ability to constantly reconfigure is crazy unrealistic considering Bay said he wanted the robots to transform as realistically as possible. Guess not.

The WolfMan said:

"Now the major problem here is that Rob can't seem to embrace the reality that we live in. Could they have made a transformers movie that didn't completely suck and stayed very close to the canon? Yes. Would it have made them anywhere close to this amount of money? No. If you feel like arguing that point then you definitely don't understand why movies are made. They are made to make money."

Yeah true. But Spiderman 2 made a lot of money and it was pretty faithful to the comicbook. Same with Batman Dark Knight. You CAN make a lot of money and still be faithful to an IP. Your argument is weak.

The reason the Transformers movies keep making tons of money is the same reason Hollywood keeps giving us one god-awful "Fast" and "Furious" movie after another.

Can anyone tell me, without any doubt, did the twins die? Did Devastator kill them? Cause they just disappear...

I just think it's sad that these film's financial success have proven that concern for story quality is an unnecessary option. If the public eats up loud, hollow movies, why bother with a good script? I think that's the most depressing aspect of this for me.

I'm so glad your review pointed out the things in the movie I thought no one else would be bothered by.

Even leaving out how true it is to the Transformers mythos or how bad the stereotypes were, the basic elements of filmmaking were just off here. Characters disappear and reappear for no reason when the plot called for it (The entire entire San and Mikela run through the desert, I'm thinking "Where the hell did Bumblebee go? He's a car.") Plot elements are introduced and then tossed away when Bay tires of them, (So what happened with Soundwave reading our transmissions? I defy you to tell me you know for certain who was still alive or not at the end of the film)) and just an overall inabilty to portray a scene, any scene coherently.

It appeared that Bay was just allowed to throw together a sequel and get it out there quick before the public moved on to something else. He just basically made it up as he went along and covered the mess up with explosions and bad humor (seriously, was every character meant to be the comic relief? Why was Sam's mother reduced to a total moron?) I went in not expecting it to be a good Transformers movie but geesh. As a filmmaker, Michael Bay is making me long for his old stuff that at least seemed compentently made.

I'm really fuzzy on the this whole dead thing, with machines. I mean really, bodies of Transformers here and there. Hummm, lots of spare parts. Some things I sure would interchange. Oh you might say,ohh its some life force thing in robots.Psshh, its technology, no matter how mangled something is you can always put it back together.
That and spare no expense. And if you did with Transformer would it be a Zombie Transformer. And crave "Circuit Boards". Anyway see you all in Silicon Heaven or Robot Hell.

Watching TF2 is akin to watching Michael Bay raping a baby deer and lapping up its tears.

Akashi said:
Grown men complaining about a movie based on a children's franchise. Interesting.
Anonymous said:
how bout you guys go out and get laid instead of just sitting around on the computer and complaining when no one even gives a damn bout what you say cause this movie is going to make millions anyways

I'm sorry but why are you people even here? You do know what site this is. Are you just fuckin' stupid?

Sorry to be crass, but really such comments make you deserve it.

Rob, I feel like I should be buying you something to make you feel better. You know when the family pet dies and Mom and Dad try to get the kids something to lighten the load of reality. Yeah, this feels like one of those times.

I'm sorry for your lost.

We've all had nerd moments like these in our lives.

I'm not going to see the film in honor of your remaining sanity.

Well... I might go see it if this girl brings me out because I need some sexy time. But if that doesn't happen, than I'll remain truthful to my word.

It boggles my mind that so many people who read this review still insist on pounding forth the idea that action = good movie and, since it was meant to be stupid, it is okay for it to be.

It's disgusting.

But, whatever. Enjoy your farts and testicle jokes and whatever else makes you giggle for your $10.

I can't be the only one who remembers the movie "Ass" from "Idiocracy". Don't tell me there's no similarity.

I haven't seen this, and thanks to this insightful review, I won't. All I can do is applaud!

I really agree with the review. When I finished watching the movie in the theater i felt really drained and confused. I have to say I enjoyed the fight scenes and some of the comedy but the movie did not deliver what I expected. I watched the first movie and I thought that was not bad at all. But this movie did not have that feel.

I wish the other Autobots had more screen time like the first one. Sidesweep and Jolt could have been great characters to show on screen more since they were new to the movie. And yeah, i hate those 2 robot twins. They felt like jar jar binks on star wars, they are out of place.I agree with the review, some scenes are just dumb, completely unnecessary. Like that "Terminator" chick that was trying to kill shia. If bay makes a part 3, i hope he can do some changes, like make the story more convincing but he can still keep his trademark over the top action scenes.

I figured it was just because you were a fan... but then...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9LAXNzrOvc

Thanks for the non spoiler alert dick chesse! Had no idea Optimus carked it. Fucker!

Hey Rob, I just want to thank you for the review and to say I disagree with the guy who claims TR is just a day-old Kotaku clone. I read both sights daily and find very little cross-over. Also the majority of your posts are well written with very few grammatical errors. Don't worry to much about this round of Transformer movies. We might have to wait 10 years or so, but due to box office receipts I would expect the movie franchise to go on for a long time. Imagine if Alex Proyas or the guy who did Daywatch or even the guy who does the Resident Evil movies having a crack at the franchise. (I've only seen the third RE movie but thought it was a great B-movie)

@Grunt

The spill review was good, but if you got time check out the full audio review by them. The "Let's do this" with Corey and Co-host is good too. They talk about Geek Denial regarding TF2.

@Tekkie
"I can't be the only one who remembers the movie "Ass" from "Idiocracy". Don't tell me there's no similarity."

I thought of that exact same thing this morning! Didn't "ASS" win 8 oscars including best screenplay?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04o2V2ah5dI

Speaking as someone who actually liked movies like Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider, Ultraviolet, and the first Bay-formers movie, this movie pretty much blew.

It would have been alright if it cut down on The Beef, who, I swear for the life of me, cannot carry a franchise or a serious plot, and focused more on the Nest and the core group of Autobots, ditched the Twins, and got rid of all the "funny" parts (which were more painful than anything).

I'd have to say, though, I thought the action scenes were better in this one than the last one. Maybe it's Bay's overuse of slo-mo, but I actually had an easier time telling who was who. They still look like twisted piles of junk, I could also see a bit of personality shining through on Prime, Megatron, and Starscream.

And I actually like summer films because I could "turn my brain off" and enjoy something fun. Thing is, Transformers 2 wasn't fun. I know there had to have had to have been some scenes during the credits that might have tied up some loose ends with the Twins or Wheelie, (like with the first one) but I didn't care. I ran out of the theater like a motherfucker. I might be wrong, but I didn't want to take the chance. Thank god I didn't pay for my ticket.

i'm not sure if you are blind or just plain stupid,its not that hard to identify the robots, well maybe you should just stick to wall-e instead, get a thicker glasses or something

most of transformers fan i met liking this movie, and i would say this movie has more transformers references( G1,Galaxy Force) than the previous one.And here you are nagging how not Transformers this is.Do you really know what Transformers is?.

• The Transformers movie is about a kid named Sam Witwicky.
So let's not call ET, ET, we call it Elliot adventures instead.What kind of argument is that? well i read most of your articles and find it amusing, but this long read is one big pile of shit. so stop whining turdface

Let's hope Hollywood's fetish for rebooting things goes into overdrive and Bayformers gets rebooted into a proper Gen 1 adaptation ASAP.

Fingers crossed for a total box office flop...

@the other robot

You best be trollin'. Please tell me you're joking.

(Oh fuck it, I can't expect someone diehard Bayformer fan to have any sort of intelligence.)

This review is 100% spot-on. Thanks for a great review that calls Bay out on his BS and complete disregard for logical film-making. The shots don't match! Characters move around with no intention, and disappear on a whim! They reappear conveniently, out of nowhere (from other areas of action, from different cities, and even different planets, since these robots can apparently travel light-years through space instantaneously). It's complete insanity, and is impossible to follow. Although I highly doubt that anyone is still trying to follow it by the second hour.

There are very basic rules of putting shots next to each other that need to be followed in order to make sequences make logical, visual sense, which in turn allow the viewer to follow what is happening. On a story level, there are rules of character motivation, ect, that also need to line up, or at least create some sort of flow, that will in turn give the film its narrative drive. This is true for *every* film, unless the intention of the film is to be surreal or avante-garde. I doubt Michael Bay even possesses the capacity to understand the meaning of those concepts, so we can conclude that he does not give a a shit about making a coherent film (or even goddamn scene for that matter).

Beyond being shoddily executed and constructed, the plot is so ridiculous and illogical, and flat-out STUPID, it literally serves no purpose other than to set up a 'cool shot' or 'cool action sequence.'

I'm using those in quotes because apparently that's the popular argument for the fans. "ohh its mindless spectacle" "watching robots beat other up is so cool" "the action is amaaaaaazing!"

Yes, the magnitude is awe-inspiring, but that wears off FAST. And the special FX? I thought they SUCKED. Yeah, i fucking said it. Its all mechanical blur. You can't recognize one bot from the next, and since there's no linear logic to the shot sequences, its all just whirring and exploding. The people who make those defending arguments are basically saying 'hey, I kinda like being braindead and have no problem admitting that i'm easily amused by shiny objects.'

That's what I fucking hated most about this movie. It's lowest common denominator filmmaking to the tenth degree. The target audience for this film is people with intelligence levels somewhere around borderline retarded. It's non-stop cliches, unfunny 'jokes', and shots you've seen before in other, less awful Bay movies. Oh my fucking god how many shots do we need of the meteorite or robot object crashin through the atmosphere and conveniently into some tower, or building, or ship??? There's at least 20 of those shots in TF2. It worked in Armageddon, A DECADE AGO. UGGH.

In regards to the obvious racial and minority stereotypes, this was the biggest conundrum of this movie. The audience was largely black and latino, and I wouldn't assume very highly educated given a lot of the behavior, and they were EATING IT UP. It's like, don't you realize this is completely degrading and demoralizing?? Its like we've reached this sickening level of ignorance where we don't even recognize degrading depictions of stereotypes. Oh no, instead we applaud them, because we're too ignorant to understand what's really going on. That is fucking sad.

So yeah, I fucking hated this movie. Call me an elitest, I am, and fucking proud of it. I am up on my elitest 'high-horse' and looking down on you for liking this utter shit. Because you should fucking know better. The filmmakers are laughing at you (and unfortunately me as well, since I was duped into seeing this) all the way to the goddamn back and planning a third that will be inevitably worse.

Bart - "So are there any jive-talking robots in this play?"
Homer - "Bart, don't ask stupid questions! Is there any frontal nudity?"
Marge - "No Homer."

The one in substitution for the other still wouldn't have helped much in reference to Transformers 2. Jive-talking robots...my brain hurts.

I couldn't help but also think of the Simpsons as people around me laughed at unfunny pandering jokes. I felt like Homer did when he had the crayon removed from his brain, increasing his IQ and took in the film Love is Nice. Yes, I too felt like a Spaulding Gray in a Rick Dees world...unfortunately, there isn't a crayon big enough to make me forget the horrendousness of racist robots, plot holes, pointless running and a neverending narrative.

Just think people, some dude in front of an expensive Mac had to pain-stakenly animate the Devestator Balls. At least Dr. Manhattan's CGI-wang was true to the source material. Try getting your kids to respect you when you tell them your job was to render robo-nads.

WTF?? Optimus dies?? Uh could someone slap a "SPOILER ALERT" on this bad boy?? Shit dude

It's a movie review about a movie that raped his childhood. Why wouldn't he spoil it for us? Just more reasons not to see the film!

You know what? I did not like this movie, and I loved the first one. It's overly long, not funny in any way, shape, or form, and completely bombastic and aimless. It makes the first look like a complete masterpiece.

But I can't really say anyone is at a major fault here but the producers and the studios who wanted more money. The whole of it seems rushed, as in the NOTHING else was concentrated on but the effects. Which are an absolute waste of of ILM's talents, but would still make a great demo reel I guess. There's a syndrome with Hollywood flicks that take on sequels and don't when to stop. It's like the Matrix and the PotC sequels, they made something good enough the first time, but they know damn well they had no idea how to expand the concepts. So they're filmed without scripts and shoved down our throats even though we should have known better.

There was no where to go but up for Transformers. That movie and the franchise before it didn't have a more novel concept than the aforementioned movies, so maybe there was a chance that the sequel could hit a higher note. Did it do it?

Short answer. No.

Long answer. Nooooooooooooooooooo.

It is muck, pure paper chase only. It may have killed my enthusiasm for anything Transformers related. And it makes me hate being a boomer. It's one of those things that's so distasteful toward your nostalgia, that it says to me that maybe I should grow up, and not pine to see better things created of my yesteryear loves. I hate to be all depressing like that, but damn it was it a smack of cold water to the face.

I could not see how this thing could entertain a single soul. It's too long and boring to please kids and too insipid to keep adults awake. It may set a new benchmark in completely structureless blockbusters. The pooch has been screwed bad on this one.

Just in case everyone forgot, even Hitler hates Michael Bay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ri853pg74kc&feature=player_embedded

So if some people, like 'J', say that classic Transformers 'Does't cut it' then why has the DVD release of Season 1 sold out everywhere and why has the G1 concept been around LONGER than Bay has been making movies?

There's something here and it's obvious people like what's going on. There's a reason Go-Bots and The Changables are not here and The Transformers are.

But people need to lay blame not just on Bay, but on Spielberg for the "It's about a boy and his first car" mentality and Lorenzo Di Bonventura and Tom Desanto for saying, "Make the movie about what the 18-25 demographics like and not about The Transformers" (See Toyfare interview for that bit)

"Less biased less biased less biased!"... Fuck that. You want to read boring hard facts written by some journalistic tools, I can point you to a few websites (cough*/film)

ToplessRobot and I, share similar opinions. Birds of a feather. I may not always agree on EVERY topic or witticism, but for the most part I sympathize with this site's author's woes and whatnots.

So keep up the Bay bashing and the Lucas jabs and the petty WTF atrocities committed against our beloved childhood (and adult) memories and treasuries. That is why I am here. Misery loves company.

Now who wants to come with me to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters?

Okay, I just watched it. I didn't pay for it. Honestly, I don't know if I was just 'prepared' by all I had read about it, but... I didn't really think it was all that horrible. Just 'dumb'.

Then, at about the one hour, 45 minute mark, it went from 'dumb' to 'tedious'. At the two hour mark, I was thinking to myself, "I can't believe there's another half hour to go of this..." And then it went from 'tedious' to 'annoying'. And from 'annoying' to 'bad'.

What bothered me the most is how little screen time the Transformers really got. They could have easily edited an hour out of that movie, removed the dumb jokes, made it about THE TRANSFORMERS and not about some kid, his girlfriend, and their college kid sidekick... and well, it might not have been a bad summer flick.

"WTF?? Optimus dies?? Uh could someone slap a "SPOILER ALERT" on this bad boy?? Shit dude"

Well, he got better.

Sweet zombie Jesus there's a lot of hate in this thread. Yes, this plot was full of fail. Bay gives us Jetfire and we don't even get to see him fly? There's an airfield next to the air & space museum? Giza's been moved to the Jordanian border? Really, I just could not take this movie seriously and that's what saved it for me.

I appreciated the pretty pictures and good (but not as good as the first) score. I got to see big shiny robots beat the crap out of each other. I need to see that forest scene again in Imax.

As for racist stereotypes... Aren't you a big Futurama fan? What the hell do you think Dr. Zoidberg is? Maybe you find him funny but not Skids & Mudflap, but that doesn't mean you get a free pass to say THAT stereotyping is okay.

the pot brownie trope was being used at least as far back as Taxi,

Taxi nothing-- try Barney Miller.

That's odd, I agree with Meta4 and Stone Gaijin, and, to some extent, Rob, all at the same time. Also, I COULDN'T find the twins racist because, (and maybe Rob, you need to visit Massachusetts to see this) I have seen and known SO MANY white people who speak and act the way they do, who are also illiterate. FAR more than any black people who might act that way, to be honest. Rob, I'm sorry you didn't have fun. I did. The last movie I was as angry with for ruining a franchise as you are was Alien Resurrection. THAT was garbage.

ouch, lot of words, head hurts. all you needed was the FAQ.

what do you think of a transformers film mixing cartoon and reality like Who Framed Roger Rabbit? they could show as much of the transformers as they wanted without worrying about countless millions in supercomputers. you think and audience would suspend belief, if the story entertained and compelled the audience to feel for the robots in disguise?

(all hints and suggestions are courtesy of the frequent prayer that generations of thotful audiences will take up the reigns with the next reboot, thank you.)

and not to put too fine a point on it, rob, but Dark Knight was not the shining beacon of lucid, enjoyable moviewatching either.

ah well, enjoy yourself with GIJoe. be sure to tell us all about it. haha, just kidding, i know you will anyway. you mind doing it FAQ format? it's much simpler.

I showed several people this, just to get MY point across about how awful a movie this really was- you highlighted every aspect I bitched about.

There was one point in the movie- where soem nameless human argued (which made no sense either...) with Prime trying to get him to leave the planet...so earth could be destroyed by decepticons (which the pea-shooters the military uses seems to really do the trick with)

A girl a few rows in front of me exclaimed:

"This is BOOOOOOORING!"

rather then shushing her like the people closer I agreed.

There were some very pointless scenes that attempted to add depth but seemed like an 8 year olds mimic of actual drama.

I did not laugh once at the racist twins...it was painful to watch.

and if the transformers can turn into humans....why aren't they all humans? Wouldn't it be a lot friggin' easier to catch the kid and blend into to society with WAY more options if they could do that?

And I thought Wolverine was bad...

Fanboys are never happy with what you give em'. U dipshits bitched about bales batman voice in dark knight, you whined about Tobey being to pussy whipped in spiderman, and pissed and moaned about Tony stark not displaying the effects of alcholism in ironman.

But oh well Bay got my 10 bucks and apperently yours as well.

I consider TF2 to be mediocre, at best, a horrendously goofy script saved by some pretty cool action scenes. As for the supposedly racist twins, all I can say is that at least they had character, unlike the other transformers.

However, having said that I can understand how serious fans of the franchise can get pissed off (trust me, I was a fan of dragonball z and I got incredibly annoyed with the movie).

Also, did anyone else notice that some parts of the film seemed to be ripped off from Star Wars? Because that's what I thought when Megatron called the Fallen his master, and the Fallen called Megatron his apprentice.

I hated the movie and my friends seem to think I'm a wacko. Its good to know someone agrees with me!

Hah, you're getting a lot of hate.

You must be doing something right.

Can't wait to see this pile of shit on HBO.

I think your review was completely justified. If you're angry, it's understandable. I'm angry that Micheal Bay gets paid $$$$loads of money because some stupid Hollywood dick sees dollar signs and think that equals talent. America is full of stupid people, and they are the perfect audience for Bay.

Draxxus, the other movies you mentioned were pretty well-loved by nerds, aside from some nitpicky things. TF2 is being much more that nit-picked.

@tekkie
And some day we will demand films where we care about that ass, and the reason why it farted.

It's funny but I happened to be watching Independence Day on cable today, which is corny, clumsy, and overall stupid popcorn entertainment. But I just noticed that even a summer dumb movie like that was at least coherent. The editing flowed right as opposed to random shots thrown into a thresher. The plot was stupid and full of mistakes (this is the movie with aliens being given a computer virus) but they at least tried to tell the plot in a linear manner as opposed to just crap happening on the spur of the moment, any crap.

For fun imagine if a movie like that pulled the stunts Fallen did. Suddenly halfway though, the aliens can look human without explanation, then a third of the way though Bill Pullman can teleport, then Will Smith goes to heaven but is sent back because he still has work to do but not Jeff Goldblum. And the giant alien ship just dissappears during a scene for ten minutes then returns without explanation because for that moment, Bay wanted the characters to do something and the big ship would screw that scene up. Oh and the aliens humped everything.

It's a sad day when I find myself using a Ronald Emmerich movie as the voice of reason, but considereing Bay's shit is the cinematic offspring, summer fare is degenerating fast.

At this rate of degeneration, the smash hit of 2012 will be the equivalent of the Teletubbies with guns and 'splosions.

@Greg Easton

Now you just gave away the plot to Transformers 3.

I totally agree

" I guess they turned their brains off. But I can't turn my brain off that far, and frankly, I don't want to."

And yeah, it just hit me: TROTF Its not a transformers movie, its M. Bay movie... huge difference...

This review really sums up the experience quite nicely...

http://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/37689/transformers-revenge-of-the-fallen/

Sadly there is little atternitive. I want to watch giant robots, posibliy with some sort of storyline. One out of two isn't bad. However I couldn't enjoy the movie, they just kept on breaking their own rules.

P.S What realty pissed me off was the fact that starscream was on the bottom of the ocean as well as the rest of the deceptacons ( see them at the fight at the end of the movie)But do you see him get resurrected,no you don't. I can understand that it can take a long time to make up the model for a transformer but seriously.

FUCK

THIS

SHIT

Just got back from seeing it with the kids.
Mine gott, what an utter pile of crap.
I agree with your sentiment Rob, but not with some of the points you make.

At two separate times my son asked me who the good guys were.
My daughter thought the tiny Steve Buscemi sounding robot was "purring" on Megan Porn-Star Fox's leg. She thought it was cute.
After the thing was over, I asked them who their favorite robot was, thinking to myself 'if they say Optimus or Bumblebee, then all is forgiven.'
No such luck.
They picked the N-word-twins and the Old-transporting-geezer.
I wept as they told me that they thought the movie was great, that the Gangsta-Twins were funny and that Optimus was boring.
I know now that I have failed them as a father for exposing them to this crap.

"P.S What realty pissed me off was the fact that starscream was on the bottom of the ocean as well as the rest of the deceptacons ( see them at the fight at the end of the movie)."

In all fairness... no, he wasn't. The last shot of the movie (during the credits) is Starscream flying away safely.

And JOE: Agreed that ROTF is making me re-evaluate all the horrible summer blockbuster movies that I thought were awful, because this is different level entirely. After all that shit with the AllSpark / Matrix / whatever, taking down an alien battleship with a Mac notebook seems positively reasonable.

I must be confused. I've seen countless numbers of the original cartoon episodes, and you know what, they were crap. Lets not try to put a shiny happy ribbon on what was really a poorly made cartoon to sell toys. It was in essence a half hour ad plain and simple. So to say that these movies have "stolen our childhood" or to have tarnished them in any way is beyond silly.

Did someone not understand that these movies are "summer bubblegum". Were you expecting American Beauty via robots? If so then its no wonder you were disappointed, when someone with unrealistic ideas enters into something they are usually left unsatisfied. I went into the theater to see a movie about giant talking robots that fight other giant talking robots. Guess what, thats exactly what I got. Sorry to see that you went in expecting Shakespeare via Morgan Freeman, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, and Meryl Streep.

My rating would place this movie somewhere between a B- and a C+. The dialog was mediocre and there were a couple of plot holes. The plot holes were NOT "why wasn't Bumblebee around" like the previous TR article. The plot holes did NOT also include why the shard could not be used to bring Optimus back. If anyone with good eyesight and a somewhat a decent amount of an attention span had noticed those were explained, albeit in a "bubblegum movie" fashion. The plot holes were sadly those that most sequels suffer from. The "if the bad-guys and/or good-guys knew all this in the first movie why was it not brought up?". Sadly this movie does suffer from that. So did Lethal Weapon, Star Wars (the ORIGINAL 3 MOVIES) and the new Spiderman movies. Hell, even the Godfather movies suffer from that. It's the sad fact of life regarding sequels.

Ok, I just saw the movie in IMAX. I just got finished reading this thread. I've read all the hate and vitriol being spewed back and forth. I don't expect what I say to make one whit of difference or change anybody's mind in this argument. But I feel compelled to anyway, if only to show that there were others who liked this movie. And yes, I liked it, and my girlfriend liked it. I consider it the third best movie of the year, with Watchmen being #2 and Star Trek being #1. If those hadn't come out, it'd be higher. (You're probably thinking now, "WHAT?!?!?! Are you insane?!" Well, I probably am. But I know what I like, and I liked this.)

First of all, as I've said before, I was a teenager when the G1 cartoon was out. That may not be much older than 10, 11, or 12, but apparently a few years makes all the difference. I liked it as a simple afternoon cartoon and that was it. I don't recall there being any deep characters that you cared about. It was a toy commerical, nothing more. Now some of you might argue about the comics, which are generally considered to be superior in temrs of story quality and continuity (and where I think all the vehement hate from the fans comes from as they were going in expecting something on that level) but I never read them. I didn't have enough money to buy and keep up with a regular subscription, plus I'm not a big comics reader anyway.

The feeling I took away from this movie to me was that it had the same goofy sensibility to it that the G1 cartoon had, only retooled to play for a contemporary, and older, audience. I wasn't going in expecting anything as deep or complex as Iron Man or The Dark Knight, and that's where I think your argument is flawed, because they were created to be characters first and foremost, whereas the Transformers were created to sell toys first. The characterization was more like an afterthought until writers who wanted to take it seriously like Simon Furman came along. You complain that the Transformers in this movie were nondescript and interchangable and you couldn't really care about them, well the cartoon was pretty much like that too. Of course, people are trotting out WALL*E, but that movie was made with a different sensibility and intent. WALL*E wasn't an action movie. Transformers is. Action movies don't require an audience to be that emotionally invested in a character. And this was no exception. Generally I found Shia, Megan and the rest of the human characters pretty likable which was important as it gave the movie a human anchor the audience could relate to in the midst of all the giant robot mayhem. If the movie really was nothing but the Autobots and Decepticons fighting each other, it wouldn't nearly have been as interesting, and I don't think many other people would have found it to be so either.

So, you contend that it isn't Transformers because it focuses on Sam and some of the other human characters and not enough on the Transformers themselves? On that, you may have a valid point. But I would argue that when you have a film that deals with two opposing armies of robots from outer space who can transform into vehicles, that concept is Transformers and it can be nothing else. Ron Moore posited the same thing when he began doing his version of Battlestar Galactica and encountering similar venom from fans. Considering that it went on to be a critical hit and attracted a devoted fanbase of its own shows he won that argument. I'd be willing to stake my reputation on it here with Transformers, too.

I don't find your arguments regarding continuity to hold as much water, though. If you paid attention (not a hard thing to do in this movie, really unless you looked away for a few seconds) things made sense. Yes, the Autobots were there in the airfield with Jetfire just before he teleported them. It was brief shot, but I could see where some missed it. I personally thought the film's internal logic was fine for what it was. So what if it wasn't the real Air & Space Museum? So what if the pyramids were supposedly closer to the Jordianian border? So what if there's a forest just outside Philadelphia (hey, they at least filmed some scenes in the Pennsylvania State Penitentiary)? This was an action/fantasy/sci-fi movie about giant robots from space. Considering its already outlandish premise, I was willing to concede any other breaks from established reality.

Ok, are the twins racist? Probably. But you and many others here I think are blowing it WAY out of proportion (as with all the other overly-sensitive PC crowd). Like many others have noted, many in the audience, including myself and my girlfriend, found them hilarious. Some have compared them to Jar Jar Binks, but I didn't find Mudflap and Skids to be anywhere near as intrusive or annoying as Jar Jar was. Unlike Jar Jar, they never overstayed their welcome, being only onscreen in small doses, which worked fine. And except for the scene with Devastator, they were pretty much absent from the big action scenes.

And let's talk about Devastator, shall we? Yes, he has balls. Personally, they looked more to me like some kind of vestigial tail...until John Turturro said "scrotum." In any case, I saw really only two shots, and they only lasted for a few seconds. Big deal. Let it go.

So you and other fans complain that this wasn't your Transformers movie? No, it wasn't. This was a movie for the masses. And that's what this is really all about, isn't it? Yes, you can make a movie that's 100% faithful to the source material and appease the nerd crowd. Look at Watchmen. We all know how that turned out, and you admit yourself it didn't make the big money that it should have.

The fact is, when they make a movie that is considered a "Geek Property" and you see it getting "dumbed-down" for the masses, you can't take it. Newsflash: regular people played with Transformers toys and loved watching the cartoon, too. Are you going to begrudge them as well for seeing, and liking, this movie? I know how it is, you and other nerds/geeks like to think that because you believe you're smarter and more intelligent than everyone else and can appreciate what most people can't understand that you can't allow yourself a little populist entertainment. I know, I consider myself a nerd/geek too. But I found out that it's a very lonely place up there, and you become angry and bitter at the world because society doesn't reward intelligence and you're frustrated that not enough people are as smart as you are. I decided one day that I didn't want to go through life being angry and bitter like that, so I decided to climb down of my perch, take the stick out of my ass and join the masses and live my life and have fun and not take everything so goddamn seriously. I feel I'm a better person for it. If you think that makes me a retard or an idiot or somehow less intelligent for doing so, then so be it. I'd rather be that than be an elitist douchebag which you admit to being and that some others here apparently are. So screw you. I liked it this movie...in fact I loved it, and I'm definitely getting it on Blu-Ray.

ian has such poor taste. i'm sure the girlfriend has similar lousy logic too

@ D
Yeah, I was expecting that sort of response from the likes of you. Fuck you. Same goes for the rest of you who are going to respond to me in this manner.

@Stone Gaijin:

"Maybe a less biased review next time?"

I'm not trying to make an example of you, Stone Gaijin, but you just said something that I have seen time and again on the internet, and I'm frankly sick and tired of it:

A review is SUPPOSED to be biased.

It's an opinion. That's all it is. If it's a good review, it's a well-reasoned and logical opinion, but IT IS STILL AN OPINION.

Opinion = "Bias."

Now, if you're saying Rob got PAID to dis TF2 (which is the ONLY acceptable meaning of "bias" when it comes to reviews), that's obviously not true either. It has made a fuck-ton of money; what the fuck could Rob say that would change that?

@Ian:

It's not that he "can't take it," it's that he didn't think it was a good film. For nerds OR "regular" people. So he said so. If you disagree, great. But why you're taking this as a personal affront, I have no idea.

Props for sticking to your guns, but you could have just said you liked it. Responding in the way you did just made you look like an asshole.

Hi!
I'm a transformers fan, and I HATE this movie.

Ok even if it was a terrible movie, which I disagree with, most of the paying public disagrees with you.

WHY? because bouncing boobies + big explosions + huge freaking robots= BAD ASS to teenagers and people who just want to escape for awhile.

I leave my 80's lovin notions @ the door knowing that these are no longer MY Transformers but the worlds and Bays Transformers. Point of fact when I mention Prime to people they think of the fire clad semi NOT my cab over semi.
Bay gave us Hard core fans a nod with Peter C. as Prime and I am fine with that.

"I don't recall there being any deep characters that you cared about."

They weren't DEEP characters, no. But at least the cartoon knew how to establish characters for a wide range of robots, and make them instantly distinctive from each other.

Also, Transformers (and GI Joe) were the first toyline to actually make extensive attempts at giving the participants characterization (literally) right out of the box - each toy had a personality sketch right on the back of the package, so you knew something about them before even seeing the cartoon or reading a comic. Bluestreak was a loner who covered the fact he'd seen everyone he loved killed in front of him by talking a lot. Sideswipe's a jock who cares more about the battle as sport than the cause. Sunstreaker's vain and doesn't get along with anyone except his brother.

After two movies, what do we know about Bumblebee? That he likes to help humans score with slutty girls? And he's the best-developed character (well, Jetfire as well now). The only characterization most of the robots got was Optimus' speech in the first movie laying out their various roles, and the lack of visual distinction between them (again, aside from Bumblebee) hurts the overall effect.

Sure, they were toys first and characters second. But that's no reason to say "well, then we don't need to worry about characterization, let's blow shit up and fellate the US Millitary." Geez, the Transformers toys had waaaaaaaaaay more characterization coming out of the gate than Batman did; they didn't even give him an origin or motivation when he first showed up.

The problem is, everyone hoped that after last summer, the bar was raised for summer action movies. Now we're back to the cliches like the bad jokes tossed in because a studio executive feels that there needs to be a humour element. And that's staying around for GI Joe, too.

We've got lowest-common-denominator movies. Why can't we get BETTER movies?

@ Ffordesoon
"It's not that he "can't take it," it's that he didn't think it was a good film. For nerds OR "regular" people. So he said so. If you disagree, great. But why you're taking this as a personal affront, I have no idea."

For the same reason that lots of others here are; they feel an opinion is being rammed down their throats, and that they're being made to feel bad or less than intelligent if they came out and admitted the wholeheartedly and unreservedly liked the movie. It's a natural, human response. Rob's entitled to his opinion (opinions are like assholes: everyone has one and thinks the others' stink). But he unmercilessly ripped this movie and implies that any nerd or geek that liked this film must be somehow less than intelligent and not deserving to call themselves such.

"Props for sticking to your guns, but you could have just said you liked it. Responding in the way you did just made you look like an asshole."

No more so than most of the people on this board who are trying to defend their opinion.

@ Geoff
And how many of those kids who played with those toys actually paid attention to those background cards when they ripped them out of the packaging? Fact is, you got no more characterization out of the cartoon than you did in this move. (And again, I don't care about the comics.) I'd say what I saw, though, hews pretty close to what everyone knows: Bumblebee is the Transformer best known for bonding with humans, particularly boys named Witwicky. Optimus Prime is a noble leader with a penchant for self-sacrifice. Megatron is cruel and ruthless. Starscream is a craven backstabber. Soundwave is master eavesdropper and tattletale. And I'd say through his actions that they got Sideswipe right too, even if there wasn't a Sunstreaker to play off of.

"The problem is, everyone hoped that after last summer, the bar was raised for summer action movies. Now we're back to the cliches like the bad jokes tossed in because a studio executive feels that there needs to be a humour element. And that's staying around for GI Joe, too.

We've got lowest-common-denominator movies. Why can't we get BETTER movies?"

Ah yes, this old chestnut. Ever heard the expression 90% of everything is crap? I always hear this whenever a movie like this or Van Helsing (another movie that I liked) come out. Somehow you think that when a movie comes out like this and is popular that we're doomed to a future of mediocre cinema. Then a movie like Dark Knight or Watchmen come out and the cycle begins again when the next big movie after that doesn't meet expectations. I'd say those are exceptions, not the rule. And you have to understand that Hollywood is a business like any other. Not every movie can be Lord of the Rings right out of the gate. And as far as I'm concerned, there's room for quality movies like The Dark Knight alongside more popcorn-oriented fare like Revenge of the Fallen. Both the first Transformers movie and TDK share places on my DVD/Blu-Ray shelf. It's a big world that accomodates lots of different tastes. Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations, to use a venerable Star Trek concept. So therefore I feel free to enjoy both kinds of movies. I personally feel considering its origins that Transformers was the best movie that it could possibly have been and to set expecations higher given the reality of how Hollywood does business would have been ridiculously unrealistic. And that unless the business model of Hollywood changes dramatically (which it very well may be given the economy and current trends like downloading movies and fan films) this is how it will be, so don't expect every movie to come out to be masterpieces, and be pleasantly surprised when a good one does come along.

"And how many of those kids who played with those toys actually paid attention to those background cards when they ripped them out of the packaging? Fact is, you got no more characterization out of the cartoon than you did in this move."

1. Virtually every kid who bought the toys read / collected the tech specs. Again, that was a big part of the reason Hasbro blew away every other toy line in the 80s - they took the time to make kids understand that their toys were actual characters as opposed to left-in-the-dust lines like He-Man, which didn't bother.

2. The cartoon had plenty of characterization. Even putting aside that the voice acting delivered more personality to the characters than the movie equivalents, it's not that they had the Furman-imbued depth from the comics or Beast Wars' ambitions of grandeur. But they were *all* distinctive personalities as written in the cartoon, not just the stars. And it's something that certainly can be written with more depth than it is. People were going to see it anyway, so why not put some effort into making something decent out of it?

(Of course, if the reason for all the lame jokes / dead spots / etc. is because the strike prevented work being done on the script by anyone but Bay, it explains a lot)

And lowering expectations is practically a sin in my book. There's room for light action movies (Star Trek was just fine), there's room for dumb action movies. But I at least want the plot to make sense if I think about it for more than three seconds. That's a VERY low bar to cross - and the first movie did just fine with that - but this movie failed spectacularly. By the end, when characters are disappearing for minutes at a time while others are in two places at once, it's obvious that the filmmakers just didn't give a shit anymore. And it took far too long to get to that point. 140 minutes for "okay, Prime's going to merge with Jetfire and kick their asses?"

I hate seeing apathy rewarded, and that's what this movie feels like. It's not that it's dumb, it's that it doesn't even TRY.

Why do people keep bringing up the 25 year old cartoon like it's an excuse for a shitty movie now.

I said it before but I'll say it again. Batman had the Adam West show but we were still allowed to complain when Shumacher was unleashed on the character.

Spiderman had a couple crappy cartoon stoo, but we were allowed to expect more out of the movies and complained when part 3 sucked.

Lets not even get on the campy aspects of the old Star Trek.

The point is when your making a multimillion dollar, live action film, 25 years later, of a set of characters, audiences might expect a little more. Wasn't that the excuse Bay made for changing the Transformer designs in the first place? That the old stuff didn't look convincing. Why are his fans using the old stuff as an excuse for all the new crap he's put out.

And I don't understand the people defending the film while saying it's just a dumb, popcorn, summer movie, based on a toyline, whatever cinema either. In essence, you're admitting it's shit yourself, but you're defending it like it has the right to be shit or something. We're all saying it's dumb crap, what's the defense?

One other thing: SOMETHING obviously struck a nerve with the characters based in the 80s cartoon - kids were so traumatised by Optimus dying in the movie that Hasbro not only changed their toy line's direction, but the negative reception caused them to pull the GI Joe movie from theatres and change the Duke death scene.

If kids saw the characters as mere cyphers, why did that have such a profound effect? Hell, the movie was advertised with the tagline of whether Prime would die and it STILL caused enough anguish that parents were writing angry letters to Hasbro.

@ Geoff

My point is, when the kids actually played with those toys, did they use them in-character, EXACTLY as they were written on those cards? My guess is most of the time, no. Most people don't even bother reading the instruction manuals with the things they buy. You think kids would be any different with those toys?

Let's just get right down to, it shall we? My point is, I don't care. The stuff you're getting all upset about in this movie are to me, in the greater scheme of things, ultimately not important. I judge a movie like this by one criteria: was it fun? Whatever minor details were annoying me, did I ultimately have fun watching this picture? I have to say unequivocally, yes. Were there problems? Sure. No movie is perfect. Did it keep me from enjoying the picture? Hell no. I didn't want to get hung-up on minutiae and trivia and nitpick the film to death. I wanted to have a good time, and that is precisely what I got. We obviously expect different things from Transformers. You apparently take it seriously whereas I see it as no more than something based on toys and a cartoon and therefore I don't hold it to the same standard as, say, Batman, Star Trek, Doctor Who or Babylon 5. If it managed to transcend its kidvid and toy roots, that would be great, but I don't expect it to. Again, I think what came out is essentially a bit more than we had any right to expect. Trust me when I say it could have been much, much worse, especially when you consider the screenplay for this movie was being done during the writers' strike.

So ultimately, I don't care. I had fun. Make of that what you will. At the end of the day, this argument is meaningless anyway. This movie is bulletproof. It made $200 million over the weekend and $60 million on its first day alone. Apparently A LOT of people liked this movie and it got good word-of-mouth, despite what anyone here says about it. Like it or not, a third movie is assured and chances are Bay will be at the helm of it once again. That's probably the only thing we can agree on apparently.

A shitty cartoon 25 years ago is NO excuse for Michael Bay wasting HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS and not bothering to get a script. Transformers could have been a big series with big robots and big 'splosions AND a storyline and plot that was interesting. Crappy 30 minutes cartoons do not excuse this pile of shit.

@ Ian

Then you're not exactly beuing fair here. You're saying that you don't care and that's fine, but your critizing other people because they do care about these characters That's why the mistakes and minutia ruined this movie for them. The same way it would ruin a film for you if it was Batman, Star Trek, Doctor Who, or Babylon 5.

All those started out as some product to make money, be it toys, shows, comics, etc. It was a franchise and many of us grew attached to this particualr franchise with all the comics, cartoons, and toys it emcompases.

I'll be honest. I really don't care about Star Trek, or Doctor Who so I would'nt give a shit either if they totally basterized those movies, but then I wouldn't go around telling the fans they're wrong by being upset about something just because I don't care. I wouldn't be in their discussions to begin with because I just wouldn't care.

This movie wounded me. It was by far the worst MOVIE I have ever seen. You couldnt even tell which "Transformers" and I use that term mildly, was which. This is what happens when Mike Bay directs, the story suffers so he can get his rocks off by having tons of explosions.

Thank you, sir, for saying what I thought while I was watching this.

I'll say this for what it's worth. Michael Bay should go out and direct a Mechwarrior movie. No script needed. Just pure Mecha porn. That will be his redemption.

And then he should be shot in the head, and hung upside down from a diseased elm as a warning.

Turturro's bare ass ROCKS!

Finally! Someone who has as much contempt for Michael Bay's "films" as I do.

You have earned yourself another devoted reader

Phmmm, all this talk of transformers makes me want to see it for a 3rd time.....

So John Turturro gets peed on in the first one. We see his bare ass and he has giant robo-balls hung above him in this one...

Wonder was fetish Mike Bay has for 'ol John in part three.

please dear god dont make a third one!

Since the day I saw this movie my anger has grown from every comment (whether good or bad) and trailer I see. I'm fearing its getting to the point where I may have to kill someone.

The wrong Michael had a heart attack.

l

Sorry 4 the random "1", just testing. Anyway.....

Personally, I liked this movie. It had plenty of action, alright humour and the characters were cool. But. like all films, there are some parts I hate.

1: The forest fight scene was awesome, but WTF was Blackout doing? He did nothing except twirling his blade while Megatron owned Prime, then became Prime's bitch. Why did Shit Bay have to disown my fav Decepticon?!!? Blackout is awesome, but Bay fucked him over. It didn't even show us how he came back :(. RIP, Blackout. I wish you happiness in a Bay-free heaven.

2: Devastator has balls. Seriously. Either Bay is a pile of gay shit, or Devastator kidnaps women and dos things to them. I go with the former. BTW, Devastator is awesome. With or without balls.

3: WTF?! Sideways (Car cut in half) and Demolisher (Big wheel guy) were featured tons of times in trailers. Yet they last like, 30 seconds. WTF?! Its just like Bonecrusher in the first film. Cool bots do cool things, but get owned in a minute. :(

4: Megatron owned in the previous film, but, despite being a kick-ass tank, in this one, he dos nothing except bitch at Prime, suck-up to the Fallen and bitch at Starscream. WTF!?

5: Speaking of the Fallen, he is super-powerful and awesome, all dark and cool but he gets his ass kicked in a minute? Seriously, Bay, stop shitting on awesome characters.

6: Jetfire is cool. His alternate form is cool, he owns Mixmaster ("Let me show u how we brought the pain in my day!") He is quite funny and kills himself so Prime can kick ass! Coolest old dude ever!

7: Optimus is pretty damn hardcore. Owns Demolisher, owns 3 dudes at once, rapes the Fallen with his own spear. He is pretty damn merciless 0_0

God, I am such a sad nerd. Oh well.

This is my own version.

Movie 1: Bumblebee is chilling on Earth, when he fginds something or other in his search for teh Cube. He radioes his buddies who pop along. Meanwhile, Star is busy bitching at his slaves to find teh Cube. But Blackout is so awesome, he discovers that Megatron is buried under some random mountaibn or something. Megs comes back to life, while teh Autobots somehow find teh Cube with a plot thing I can't b assed to write down right now. Megs decides to rape them and get his Cube. So he and his bitches blow shit up 2 lure teh Autobots. Teh Autbotos show up and robots shit on each other. Eventually, Bumblebee shoves teh cube in MEgs face, killing him. Optimus bitches how they mus protect humans. They then realise that BAy is shit, so they team up with the 'Cons and go kill him. They kill Bay and everyone here rejoices. YIPPEE!

So, what do u think? Shit or what u want? Plz b nice though, im only 14. :)

If u want, I'll make one for number 2!

Havn't seen it yet but I think I am going to wait for the DVD rental, along with T-Salvation. Once you have seen giant robots fighting once, I can't imagine how you would make it any better the second time around.

Also, why are the TF2 apologist not giving any reasons as to why the movie was good, apart from "GIANT.ROBOTS.FIGHTING"? It's not doing your auguments any good, because you come across as having zero intelligence to back up your comments.

This movie sounds as moronic as the first peice of crap.

i gotta say the cutting scenes part is right but the action is alot less than what i suspected. but i am black and i find the twins not racist at all. It shows what the world is becoming now adays ppl are turning into that. You think black ppl (like myself) but quite frankly that makes you the racist here. Because white ppl (now im being racist aswell) all color ppl are starting to want to portray that image and talk and look like that. And that devastor with the Wrecking balls for testicles probally hand more balls then you pal so shut up and go suck on your moms tits because your crying about a movie. I wanna see you put a movie together better than that. yes it definately wasnt the best movie ever or probally of this summer but it sure as hell beats the shit out of anything you could make. If you make a movie half as good ill give you credit but I doubt you have the budget to do something like that so if you are still sitting in your parents house get out get a life and grow up.

i gotta say the cutting scenes part is right but the action is alot less than what i suspected. but i am black and i find the twins not racist at all. It shows what the world is becoming now adays ppl are turning into that. You think black ppl (like myself) but quite frankly that makes you the racist here. Because white ppl (now im being racist aswell) all color ppl are starting to want to portray that image and talk and look like that. And that devastor with the Wrecking balls for testicles probally hand more balls then you pal so shut up and go suck on your moms tits because your crying about a movie. I wanna see you put a movie together better than that. yes it definately wasnt the best movie ever or probally of this summer but it sure as hell beats the shit out of anything you could make. If you make a movie half as good ill give you credit but I doubt you have the budget to do something like that so if you are still sitting in your parents house get out get a life and grow up.

Tana: Wow... really from some factual racial comments cause you were born black, so readers hit the credible button.. nice (FYI: I'm red and pink on the inside, and wish I was METAL on the outside hehe)

Tra-la-la-la-la Biased Bay Fan Comment + Personal Attack la-la-la-la-Tra

notice the lowercase "i" reference on racial pride but the uppercase "I" for the Micheal Bay Drum

...Really need to pay Hollywood "online-interns" more these days for all the spam (general comment not implying anything... maybe hehehe)

Rob you are right, its just "a robots that transform ripoff" movie Hollywood decided to make and call it Transformers.

And everyone who likes the movie, are not dumb, stupid or have no taste, its just that they don't have the emotional attachment that we have with the original characters, and hence can watch it without their inner child winching/dying-a-bit at every injustice being done to the characters. (If I repeated anyone's thoughts above, I'm sorry I haven't read all the comments, and just felt like NOT having Tana's be the last bit of drivel)

No comments on the movie, Not seen the movie, Not going to see the movie, Not EVEN going to pirate it hehehe

The Game however rocks: "Focus on the Robots!!!" how hard was that to do?

Game Title: Transformers ROTF
Game Choices: Autobots or Decepticons

Autobots Roll Out!!

I am a 16 year old boy, who has not grown up to know and love transformers,but from the 2 episodes i have seen on the television, it is absolutely crap. I prefer the pokémon anime to be honest. But I did enjoy the films, particularly the first one, which I even bought the DVD of.

Back to the point in hand, I do agree with your opinions, except for the one about the twins. I didn't even realise they were being racist, but I thought they were brilliant, and by far the funniest thing in the film. All other weak stabs at humor were pathetic and a waste of time.

There were also a few things my friend and I picked up on that you didn't mention: primarily the hideous timing. It took days (I think) for sam and his crew to cross the desert, and they even got teleported, yet a bunch of tanks appeared within 5 minutes of being summoned. The second thing was the Rail gun. They had some insanely powerful gun, capable of pinpoint accuracy from hundreds of miles (either that or it happened to be floating 20 meters from egypt for no apparent reason), which could take out the toughest, biggest Decepticon in 1 shot, and they only thought to use it once, despite Megatron and Starscream chilling on top of random pyramids on many occasions. Is the whole film just an insult to human's intelligence?
Sam also manages to run faster than Megatron many many times over both movies, and the three main characters all die and come back to life. YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT, IT'S STUPID!!!
And that brings me to my final point: death. In a film with that much shooting, that many explosions and that many killer robots battering the shit out of each other, ONE OF THE GOOD GUYS HAS TO FUCKING DIE! They all survive, except one stupid motorbike no one cares about anyway, who *might* have been killed, but probably wasn't. That makes 1 good guy casualty in about 5 hours of film, Jazz in the first one. Also, bonecrusher (the big trucky thing with the rake/claw thing) died in the first film when optimus shoved a sword through his face, is back for about 5 seconds unexplainably but is never seen again. Also barricade has vanished. I could go on for hours but i won't. I liked the film, but it was completely ridiculous.

Yes, Fred, u are right. Devastator being one-shotted made me feel that Micheal Bay had shitted on one of the most famous con's of all time.

And, yeah, where did Barricade go?

And, a point I need to make. This is for teh guy who wrote this review, Rob. WTF WAS BLACKOUT DOING DURING THE OPTIMUS V 3 'CONS FIGHT?!?!?!?!? Seriously. He flies in, and do nothing, then he twirls his blade while Megs shoots Prime, then becomes Prime's bitch (GIMME UR FACE!) What the hell was he doing?! Was he masturbating or doing the finger at Star?! Please, Rob, tell me why Micheal Fucktard has shitted on my favourite Decepticon?

BLACKOUT FOREVER!

Dude. You act like you are surprised. You show the utmost cotempt for Bay from the outset and then you get suprised when he delivers this?

And you forget one thing, Optimus Prime was f*cking cool! - seriously, he was awesome.

Yes, the movie needed editing, cutting down and maybe less balls but overall it was Transformers, it had cool moments, it had explosions. Can't wait till the third.

Loved your review. I completely agree. Michael Bay is probably the worst director ever. Whoever put him into the director's chair should be shot. One interesting point I saw quite often in the movie, is that Optimus Prime has absolutely no problem brutally murdering many of his own kind (he rips apart at least two faces that I can remember), but DON'T YOU FUCKING TOUCH THE HUMANS. I just thought that was interesting.

U are right, Goatslayer. I suppose that was kinda short-sighted of me. But let me explain. I liked Transformers 2, it was quite good. Im just saying that Bay shits on cool dudes. He sucks but teh movie did not. I show contempt 4 Bay, becuz he sux at making movies. It is always blow shit up. He should have given teh robots more personality.

Now answer me this, Goatslayer. If u could, how would U make this movie? What would u have in ur version? I think we should all have an opinion on how to make this movie :)

P.S Rob, u have not answered as to why Bay shitted on Blackout. I understand if u are busy, but plz answer soon. Blackout needs more screen-time. I want ur opinion on how Megatron's favourite was bitched upon

I'm just going to agree with BrianL. The fact that this is going to make more money than a genuinely amazing piece of cinema like "Up" is ultimately depressing. This just means more original or deserving film projects will get the red light, while more executives snatch up random licenses and green light horrible films based on them.

It's really god damned sad. But what's sadder is how people appreciate this tripe. If you truly thought the twins were funny, you're ignorant and a half.

I'll still continue to visit this blog because articles like this give me HOPE. I'm glad there are people out there who aren't putting shutters over their eyes. Everything this article said was pretty much bang on.

Ummmm, speaking AS a longtime transformer fan, transformers has NEVER been heady entertainment. Closest it came was Beast Machines... and I like my optimus without doing the praying buddha form every episode thank you. You want food for thought, read a damn book.

As for the review, did Michael Bay like kill your family or butt rape you? This review was the work of a man that went into the film (or likely downloaded it) already deciding he hated it. There are so many statements that fueled with rage, so many exaggerations that the review is utterly lacking in credulity. This reminds me of reviewers of Indy 4 who said it sucked cuz the prior films never had anything stupid or unrealistic, like say surviving leaping out of an airplane on a rubber raft or taking down an attacking WWII fighter by frightening a flock of pigeons.

Yes, ROTF was silly, contrived, loopy at most points, and had some unnecessary bits, but it was also fun and amusing. The twins were about as racist and un-entertaining as chris tucker or chris rock (or every fucking gangsta rapper on the planet). And yes, taking two construction wrecking balls and stringing em together like that was funny in a "eh, why the hell not" sort of way. If the film is summed up by that meaningless bit of fluff, This review is pointless, and more like a bit of hate mail to michael bay.

I very much enjoyed the actions scenes, but little else.

I didn't find the twins as racist as all the reviewers seem to find (the dialogue and a lot of the nonvisual portrayal of the twins was mostly improvised on the spot by the voices actors [one of which WAS black] after the designs were finalized). When the pics of them first leaked, the fandom was thinking that the Twins were going to be rednecks or retards, so I don't think that means their faces were "obviously" homages to racist 20's portrayals of blacks. When viewing the movie, the twins actually struck me as more "white wannabe gansters overdoing the thug act" rather than "uneducated black youth". Nonetheless, I still found them an INCREDIBLY annoying part of the movie that could have been severely reduced if not cut from the film altogether.

Once again, the only thing I really enjoyed was the action, which believe it or not, I could tell what was going on during the fights. Maybe I'm just really observant, I don't know. But the truth is, I'd still rather wait 7 years for a reboot than 3 for a sequel.

@ Irish,

Im gonna go with a wild guess here, but I dont think that M.B. buttraped the author, I think, bare with me I know this is shockingly counter-intuitive, that M.B. made a horrible movie about a subject the author liked.

Reason enough to be this pissed off? I dont see why not, its not like he is sending hate-mail or starting a campaing, he is just venting against a movie he hated, I do that, you do that, thats what you bloody do in a bloody movie review?

What did you expected? Chocolates?

On a random note, there may some explanation for the "5-1+1=6?" thing.

1: The Constructicons resurrected Blackout as well, as blackout returned without any proper reason.

2: The unknown Constructicon survived being turned into parts cuz I noticed his headlights were still on when they ripped him up. Besides, a dead Brawl (the tank dude) was down there, explaining Meg's new mode, plus They only really needed an arm and some legs. A transformer can survive that

Pick any example u see fit. Or hate Bay. Both work :)

So Rob. What's ur opinion on teh transformers 2 game? I think it's pretty cool :)

Blackout FTW

fuck u. u need to get over it cus u cant change the shit get ur damn head out of ur ass bitch

These arguments some people have here really amaze me:
It's only a kids movie - so what now, we can just throw tons of crap at them? Because they are still young and it's much easier to let a stupid movie take care of them to actually interact with them and let them know, why some things are bad.

or that this movie makes millions so we better shut up. Why should I shut up when I think it's wrong? Why can't I reach to a better world, why must we take everything so that even why we see it as not good we still go: uh, it works, and I'm too lazy to change anything, so close enough.

I understand that never will everyone like the same thing together, but why are those wanting an improvement bood down so harsly, yeah, it's more comfortable to let thing go as they are but in that case what was the use to evolve into human beings at all? We could have just remained some jellies in ocean water, going where the drift carries us and not giving a fuck about anything. You can do better. And please do. Not just think about your own luxury of comfort.

I'm pretty sure that was supposed to be robot spit, not robot vomit. Not QUITE as bad. Still horrible, but not AS horrible.