Nerdiest Wish: And the Winners Are…

I know I say something like this every time I announce the winners, but goddamn. You uys are great. Frankly, in any other contest, literally 90% of all the 300 comments on the Nerdiest Wish contest would have been worthy of an Honorable Mention — they’re that good. So that means all 20 entries I’ve designated to call out in this post I’d like to give a shirt! Which is way too many, unfortunately. I’ve spent most of the last three hours trying to figure who should win, and really, it’s all of you. So please let that be your consolation as I list of the cream of the crop here:

drysushi said:

I would wish that my college experience went exactly how The Revenge of the Nerds played out. But instead of a speech at the end, the USS Enterprise (NCC-1701-E) beamed me up. Upon realizing what was happening, I’d notice that Marta, the orion slave girl, Droxine, Deanna Troi, Uhura, T’pol and Seven of Nine were waiting to seduce me into a love orgy. Then after I was spent I’d wish them farewell, and to come back anytime. Then as a personal favor to me, I’d ask them to seduce Yellow Flower Boy as well, because Megan Fox isn’t good enough.

CaptainLoquacious said:

A single nerd wish, hmm? I would have to wish for a Robot Master suit of armor for myself. Not one of the really lame ones, like Bubble Man or Wood Man (Though the latter would give me a hell of a pick up line), but an awesome one like Metal Man or Snake Man. That, or have any car near Michael Bay turn into a robot and start peeing on him. That would be good too.

Arsenal said:

That’s simple
a pony
with a lightsaber on it’s head
that could fly
and had a Megan Fox love ray built into it’s eyes
and had soft orange fur
that looked like the paint job to the General Lee.
also it was a robot
that dispensed soft served ice cream from it’s nose.

More after the jump.

OM said:

…My nerdiest wish would be to have a magical TV Tuner card attached to a PC with a 100TB hard drive array and a Blu-Ray burner with unlimited recordable BRDs. What would make this system so magically special is that the Tuner card would not only be able to receive TV signals from any channel in any format at any time since TV signals have been first broadcast, but it would be able to tune in channels from parallel universes where our favorite shows were never canceled, and I can watch *and* download all those programs for posterity and historical research.

…Imagine being able to watch all of the coverage of the Kennedy Assassination from start to finish, and then have a copy to share with those also interested in contrasting and comparing how the three networks and even the BBC handled the tragedy? Or, for a more happy note, the coverage of Apoolo 8 and/or Apollo 11, especially the BBC’s coverage which doesn’t exist anymore save for a few short segments? Or all those lost episodes of Til Death Do Us Part, Doctor Who or Dad’s Army?

…And then there’s all those shows that got canceled that we watched in the past. Wouldn’t it be fun to see how they would have turned out if they’d been allowed to continue? Imagine another five or ten seasons of I Dream of Jeannie, Star Trek, or even a post-divorce I Love Lucy? The sheer amount of new entertainment is only limited by the number of parallel universes that actually developed TV!!

Ambassador Neleak said:

I want to ride into Mordor with a light saber and a gravity gun on a Netherwing Dragon, with Albert Wesker by my side and Jack of Blades in my heart.

shoe said:

I wish I could catch all the pokemon.

AfterGlow said:

Oh great wishing star hear my plead,
please grant my wish it’s what I need,
granting wishes is what you do best,
so please listen to my humble request:
a world filled with giant battle mechs,
since piloting a robot would be better than sex,
towering behemoths made from steel,
like a girl they make me squeel,
massive mechas are the cream of the cream,
a cornerstone in every man-boy’s dream,
so I’ll say thank you in advance,
and start my celebration dance
while you get down and bust out some tricks,
like configuring the laws of physics.

astrokender said:

I wish I could see into Eiichiro Oda’s head.

Dillon said:

I wish all my DVD cases were the same size and that the spine of my DVDs that are sequels of each other followed the same design style… because right now, Evil Dead (Ultimate Edition), Evil Dead 2 (Book of the Dead Edition), and Army Of Darkness (2-Disc Limited Edition) still look odd next to each other. Now that’s nerdy.

Lucy said:

I’d like a peaceful, loving world with animals that came to my beck and call to help me clean whenever I broke out in a merry tune, a world with no hungry children, healthcare that works–And a death sentence by shooting range for every talentless, tasteless hack that made it on FF Friday, and those who haven’t been featured yet but who have written stories deplorable enough to make it on here. Make it public event, and donate the proceeds to proper sex education, so these fics are never seen again. I want a box seat. I want these events to have all of the fanfare of a Jonas Brothers concert. I want commemorative T-Shirts with tour dates for these things. So I guess in a way I’m asking for world peace through death of bad fanfiction writers as my wish. Santa, make it so!

michael senger said:

my wish….to just once before i die know what kissing a girl feels like

badmotherfucker said:

I wish it were revealed that George Lucas had been kept in a cellar for the past decade by an impersonator whose sole goal was to ruin the Star Wars prequels. Lucas would then proceed to kick the crap out the culprit in a live televised event and make 3 of the most awesome films ever dedicated to celluloid. In an attempt to right the wrongs of the universe, all copies of the prequel trilogy would then be burned and the memory of those films wiped from existence. Fin, bitches!

MattK said:

That it was required BY LAW for every movie, tv show, documentary, or anything released on DVD, Blu-Ray, or any other media format have a commentary track by the Best Brains crew. That’s right: the Rifftrax Crew and the Cinematic Titanics would reunite to give us riff commentary tracks on EVERY movie or TV show. Good? Bad? Don’t care. I wanna hear Joel, Mike, Trace, Kevin, Bill, Frank, Mary Jo, and all the crew giving every movie out there a funny track. I would double-buy EVERY SINGLE DVD I currently own if this law were to come to pass.

Thatcher said:

I wish for my very own Roadblock. No, not a barrage of cop cars to block traffic for me to get wherever I was going faster. Although, that would be cool. No, classic Joe animated Roadblock to keep me from doing all the stupid shit I seem to do so very often. I get drunk, pick up one of the “last calls” and take her to the pad. Just as we’re about to lay down and do the irriversible deed, Roadblock busts out of the closet, action hero style, and shouts, “I don’t care if you drunk, don’t fuck her if she won’t fit in yo’ trunk!” Thanks Roadblock! Now I know!! And that my friends is half the battle…

Thor said:

My one nerdiest wish is that Douglas Adams’ trainer at the gym he worked out at knew CPR. Adam’s had suffered a massive heart attack while on a treadmill. The trainer did not know CPR, and so Adams died shortly thereafter. Adams was eventually going to write another book in the Hitchhiker’s Guide series, having felt bad that in “Mostly Harmless” he (SPOILER ALERT) killed all the main characters, blew up Earth, and destroyed all alternate dimension Eart hs (This was all in the last chapter) to the consternation of rabid fans who have fond memories of the Hitchhiker’s series and its characters series. Having another author continue the series is no consolation, and is like taking a watery shit on Douglas Adam’s grave.

‘Stater Nuts said:

I’d wish to have Nintendo rename LOZ:LttP to it’s original japanese name, Triforce of the Gods. And also change the name of Link’s Awakening in Japan and abroad to “The Ballad of the Windfish.” As well as renaming ZeldaII: The Adventure of Link, to LoZ: The Sleeping Princess. Once this is done, then all the LoZ titles will finally match the them of naming them after Objects or Persons of Power. Best of all, it’s SO EASY. Nintendo only has to do a press release. And they can re-release the games, so they can get even more money. And I, nay, the world can have all the names in the franchise match.

Anon said:

I just want to fuck an anime so bad.

Also, although it by no means followed the rules of the contest, I’d like to comngratulate Moorgenstern for finding the one girl on the planet who liked to have sex with the Stargate opening theme on repeat. That… that’s just fantastic, man. Winners on the next page.

—-

Winner for the most horribly inconsequential yet nerdiest wish: Esahn Dulin

To be honest my one nerdy wish would be for an Official copy of Star Wars Episode III on VHS. I sure many don’t remember (or care) that when Star Wars Episode III was released for home, it was not released on VHS (or at least it wasn’t in America). It’s not for purpose of watching it because I do have all the movies on DVD already. I just would love for that to happen because my other 5 Star Wars VHS are lonely with out their 3rd brother.

Man, I love this, because it’s suc
h a waste — a VHS tape? — but so something I would do. Missing a volume out of anything drives me crazy, and obviously, RotS will never make it to VHS at this point. Well done, Esahn.

Winner for the most plausible yet traditionally nerdiest wish: Rex Splode

I’d wish for some BBC intern to stumble across backup copies of the missing early Doctor Who episodes that had been wiped by a moronic executive in order to make room in the vaults for new stuff. The second part to my wish would be for the series to get new season box sets with tons of extras and that I won a contest ensuring me free copies of all of them.

I’m shocked this wish didn’t get mentioned more. for some reason, the plausible nature of it made me love it, plus, re-finding lost material is more noble to me than creating new stuff. 

Winner for the awesomest and nerdiest wish: BoredLizzie

My own TARDIS staffed by Nathan Fillion, Bruce Campbell, Adam Baldwin, and L from “Death Note.” Together we fight evil with a combination of Sonic Screwdriver ingenuity, Vera, boomsticks, chainsaw arms, improbably accurate deductive reasoning, and kung fu.

it’s all in the details. Especially how they all know kung fu.

Winner for being dirty wihtout being filthy, being incredibly nerdy, and making me laugh every time I read it: TED-209

The first thing that popped into my head was that I would like to “motorboat” the rack of the 3-boobed Martian chick from “Total Recall”.

Enough said.

Well done to you all; again, I wish I had more shirts to give to the other runners-up, and virtually everyone who entered. If you see me at SDCC and entered, tell me who you are and what you wrote, and if i have a shirt it’s yours.