By Rob Bricken in
Daily Lists, Video Games
Monday, Jul. 6 2009 @ 7:56AM
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Consumer culture is a mixed blessing. We have cool gadgets, free network TV and junk food available at every whim. This utopia comes with a hefty price tag, though, and it's not just free will or individuality or whatever the hippies like to argue - it's awful videogames. Capitalism is alright most of the time and gamers understand that their precious platforms ain't a charity - it's all about supply and demand, which is why historically, the number of games touting established licenses practically merits its own genre. Pimping a movie tie-in, cartoon or sports star can be ridiculously lucrative and really, there's nothing wrong with the practice as long as the games accomplish the prime directive: being awesome and fun. Unfortunately the lust for money has pushed many developers into releasing less-than-stellar games in the name of branding over the years. The quality of these games ranges from simply uninspired to straight up unplayable -- smacking gamers with IPs like a canoe paddle to the parietal lobe. Read on to examine the ten corporate games most worthy of snob scorn and hippie hostilities.
10) Cool Spot
The better of 7-Up's two videogames on the Sega Genesis (Fido Dido was just too...relaxing), Cool Spot gave kids everywhere the illusion that pointing your hand like a gun and making fizzy sounds was enough to defeat hermit crabs and other menaces. CS is actually a pretty good time for younger gamers. There's action without gore, clean graphics (for the time) and cooperative play with a second controller. Still, with an almost oppressive amount of 7-Up ads on every stage, the fundamental enjoyment of the game gets distracted by needless shilling that steers players straight to a Sprite.
9) Avoid The Noid / Yo! Noid
Yes, Domino's pizza-ruining spokesthing somehow managed to star in two videogames. Two! Each game represents a separate aspect of the Noid's multifaceted personality: annoying and annoying. In the DOS program Avoid The Noid, he's (as the British would say) a right bastard preventing pizza deliveries. In the NES's Yo! Noid, he's a pogo-sticking red dude who is somehow the lesser of two Noid evils. If Yo! Noid seems somehow acceptable, it's because it's actually a port of one of Capcom's Japanese side-scrollers with repurposed graphics. This makes Yo! Noid perhaps the only likeable Noid appearance in pop culture history. Thanks Capcom!
8) Chex Quest
Let's see... Humanoid cereal pieces are being eaten by globs from another dimension on an off-world outpost and the only way to save them is by returning said globs to their home using modified weaponry. Naturally, this is a one-person (or humanoid Chex cereal piece) job, right? Admittedly, this zany plot is just as logical as the original Doom's, but this modified PC shooter lacks any of the adrenaline its predecessor accomplished. Yes, theoretically the monsters want to eat the Chex people, but so do the gamers. Perhaps the protagonist roles should have been reversed...
7) Chester Cheetah: Too Cool To Fool
Before Chester's recent commercial upgrade to the puffed snack equivalent to a devil on one's shoulder, he was basically the equivalent of a Looney Tunes character. As such, he was fully exploited by the folks at Frito-Lay and thrown into a truly awful videogame on the Super Nintendo. The controls are sticky, the sound effects and music are irksome and the color palate and animation are like a Lisa Frank grinding on a bag of puffs. There is one arguably awesome detail saving this game from complete ridicule, however. When Chester goes into his "invincible mode," he rocks out Van Halen style like he's hot for teecha. That'll redeem anybody.
6) Mc Kids / Mick and Mack: Global Gladiators
After decades of releasing crappy Happy Meal toys, McDonald's standards for videogame releases were apparently just as low. In Mc Kids for the NES, two wobbly little dudes must cooperate through side-scrolling worlds chock full of harmlessness to um...save Ronald and friends? It's kind of hard to tell, honestly. Especially when the two controllable characters distract players by starring into the void with their cold, dead, black eyes. The Genesis' Mick and Mack, by contrast, is a much darker and dangerous game. In fact, it's even borderline fun...as long as players turn the volume off. While jumping through garbage dumps and toxic wastelands, somehow killing mutants with water pistols, Mick and Mack manage to chirp some of the most annoying sound bytes of any title, which is saying a lot. Both games are lackluster fare made worse by pointless branding. Seriously, all that button mashing must have induced about three McNugget cravings to the half-dozen or so kids who paid money to play these games.
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37 comments
Comments
Rush Shepard said:
You used the Captain Crunch's vid on Pepsiman's place.
You should check that...also...PEP PEP. PEPSIMAAAAN was the best game evar on the PSX.
Jason said:
Chex quest was actually a half decent game... I mean you had a electric spork....
Snoodle said:
That human-Chex bastard child thing is one of the more disturbing things I've seen in awhile. Still, nice list!
GAJoe said:
I really liked Avoid the Noid. Even with the CGA graphics and tinny sound it was still addictive to play. I can't remember if I ever successfully stopped the delivery guy, but I know I tried a lot.
CTrees said:
Hey now, Chex Quest may have been pure advertising, but it was seriously awesome anyway. This is entirely related to the fact that we had that and, like, Solitaire on the computers in my middle school, but whatever. Watered down Doom clone? Still sweet.
Counterattack said:
That Mc Kids game on the NES actually had some really cool gameplay mechanics that, during their time, seemed almost revolutionary.
Say what you will about McDonalds, but that game was pretty solid.
Ophenix said:
Is that cool-aid guy collecting piss? Is he really just walking around waiting for people to start pissing and then collects it?! WTF!?
Skorch said:
Even though I never played the Kool-Aid game, based on my childhood years spent playing the Atari 2600 I'm pretty sure the point of it was to prevent the Thirsties (that's what I think the round, flying things were supposed to be, Kool-Aid had commercials at the time where they showed up to ruin kids' attempts at refreshing hydration, but Kool-Aid man showed up thwart their plans) from drinking all the Kool-Aid at the bottom. Those colored lines would be straws, and the longer they extended to the bottom the lower the level gets.
Of course Kool-Aid man, who apparently never learned to share, could aid his own cause I suppose by going all "Jim Jones" on the Thirsties, but doesn't.
Gkjohnson said:
The burger king game where you basically play air hockey is actually a real hoot. especially after a night of drinking at the bar. plus its 4 player.
David Savage said:
I actually loved the Captain Crunch game, you could pull some sick combos in many of the skating levels :D
K said:
I'm apt to agree that Mc Kids was a really awesome game. But then again I was like 8 when I played it.
Matt said:
Pepsi Man was great. Had to buy a pirated version in good old Macedonia to get it, but fucking hell, me and my brother loved it for some bizarre reason.
Photoboy said:
I would probably nominate Splinter Cell Chaos Theory above all these. While the above games exist solely as adverts, at least you're expecting that with names like Pepsiman. But Splinter Cell made sure Sam Fisher was chewing Airwaves chewing gum and had close-ups of the packets in almost every cut-scene! The absolute worst kind of product placement IMHO.
Preeeemo said:
Chex Quest was awesome.
and Sneak King could also be played on the original Xbox I believe.
ZeroCorpse said:
The Pepsi Man game could have been re-marketed as the final level in a Ferris Bueller game in the USA.
Nekusagi said:
Oh my god, Chex Quest. I played so much of that game when I was little and I have to agree with Jason- you used a SPORK as your backup weapon (but that was an upgrade from a SPOON).
Awesome game.
'Stater Nuts said:
Ugh... I played half of these.
LBD "Nytetrayn" said:
Wow, I think this is the first time I've ever seen anyone say a bad word about Cool Spot.
Speaking of which, fun fact: Spot wasn't used as the 7up mascot in Europe, so their version of the game lacked the branding.
And I hope you weren't dissing Happy Meal toys. ;P Flipping Little Goomba and hopping Koopa Paratroopa remain among my favorites.
I had fun with the M.C. Kids game, though. I think there should be more McDonald's video games-- McDonaldland is practically begging for exploration, like a fast-food inspired Mario World or something.
TF-FAN said:
The Chex-Quest game was a freebie when you sent in a copy of your report card where I lived. I got A's and B's so I got a copy. It wasnt bad for a freebie.
Geoff said:
The only truly bad thing about McKids was - and I'm going off memory here - that you had to collect keys or something to escape every level.
That type of stupidity almost killed a far better game (Little Nemo). There's nothing worse than getting to the end of a level only to be told you have to go back to find something obviously obscure enough that you missed it the first time.
Eric Fine said:
The Pepsiman game reminded me of that Japanese WiiWare game, Muscle Koushinkyoku (Muscle March). I wonder if it's made by the same people?
deadbug said:
I loved cool spot. It was the first video game I ever bought by myself, sans my parents money. I got it at a garage sale for 10 bucks and I paid in pennies.
magnum said:
Pepsiman had hilarious cutscenes between each man involving a guy that symbolises everything foreigners think about Americans - overweight, seemingly gormless, and munching huge amounts of snacks while guzzling Pepsi (of course).
Sitck said:
Yes! I can't remember why, but I used to play the Captain Crunch game all the time.
chad said:
cool list. proving that anything hot others will try to be a part of it brand snergy. though one wonders if those who okayed the game were putting something in their own stuff when they approved the games. though at least someone could get their fantasy out of having the buger king king in ways he could be hurt
JP said:
I had the Spot game for NES, it was ok...
and I had a prototype or advance or whatever of MC Kids, kinda a Super Mario rip-off but fun. Won it from a radio station, wish I still had it.
blacklantern88 said:
So...Pepsiman ran through the streets and through people's houses stealing their Pepsi. Bastard. Why wasn't he arrested?
Setzer said:
Oh, man. I remember playing the hell out of Chex Quest. Anybody aware that there was a sequel? Lots of dark rooms that were scary as hell.
GeekSexy said:
Kool-Aid Man was a mail-away exclusive. You had to save Kool-Aid points and add a few bucks for shipping. I remember being so excited to get my 'exclusive' game. For an Atari 2600 game it was pretty fun. Like Scorch said, it was, in fact, Kool-Aid Man trying to keep the Thirsties from drinking all the refreshing Kool-Aid, but he could only touch them when they would stop to drink or he would lose a life. Sounds like we just found Michael Bay's next movie (I could see Kool-Aid Man's grape cousin sporting a ghetto accent just in case Mr. Bay was wondering).
robrob said:
Oh god, I never knew cool spot was a 7 up commercial in a game. I seriously never noticed it, ever (and to this day I don't drink it, tastes like garbage). But I loved that game for absolutely no reason other than I got to be a cool red spot for a couple of hours every night after school and I was able to master the art of shooting at crabs from horribly set angles to the point where in any side-scrolling shootemup I can hit an apple on a robot/ninja/pirates head from 20 miles away.
GQ said:
Get right the hell out! Cool Spot is one of my favourite games of all time! Yes, its filled with 7-up ads but big deal, its colourful, fun and charming. I loves it!
ImSteevin said:
HOLY SHIT CHEX QUEST I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
I PLAYED THAT AS A KID AND I'M HAVING A SUPER GOOD NIGHT NOW THAT I REMEMBER IT EXISTED
skinny128 said:
Oh the horror of Captain Crunch's Crunchling Adventure...
I used to work at a computer shop as a tech.
I had more computers brought in because of this game that that stupid purple ape app (Banzoo Buddy I think it was called).
I could believe that people would pay $80 an hour to try and get a game to play on their $2000 systems.
I mean I know that the game did cost $4.95 and the cereal was free.
I even had people that wanted their money back for the computer system, even though every other program installed on their systems worked.
MLKshake said:
I'll feel awful about myself since i've played about 7 of those...
a) i don't know why "cool spot" was remotely fun... but it was
b) "pepsi man"= lolz; i have a copy of this.. spiritual successor of "paperboy"? probably not but still a pretty fun game
c)Bubblicious presents Bubba 'n Stix for genesis/mega...
Winkyboy said:
Although I never actually played it, I actually know (worked with) the developers of Chex Quest, and I own a copy of the CD. From what I understand it was actually pretty good and the thing people should realize is that it was an amazing "leap of faith" on the part of General Mills to pay to create a first person shooter based on their cereal.
Hardcore Hecxz said:
Did you guys even play Yaris on XBOX 360's Arcade place....that thing was the worst bleh! Pepsiman and Chex Quest, heck even Yo! Noid! was better then Yaris! BLEH!
Mary said:
And what about SuperFrog for Amiga and the Lucozade energy drink? nobody remember
