The 6 Best and 6 Worst Comic Book Vehicles

?By the ISS’ Matt Wilson

Yeah, I know. They’re there because they make for good toys. It doesn’t matter if they make sense or not or if they’re genuinely cool or not, as long as parents and boy-men shell out $25 or more a pop for a cheap plastic version of what an artist drew in an afternoon while an editor/marketing guy/money grubber railed about how they need something toyetic, and they need it now.
But hey, you’ve got to admit, some comic-book vehicles are cooler than others. Some you’d give your left and/or right nuts to have. And some seem to be even more problematic and stupid than my 1999 Mazda 626.

THE WORST:

6) The Avengers’ Quinjet/The X-Men’s Blackbird (tie)
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There’s nothing outright wrong with the Quinjets or the Blackbird, but don’t they seem just a little… mundane for the aircraft in which Marvel’s A-list superteams fly around? Especially when a whole bunch of the teams’ members can fly already? I mean, when you get right down to it, they’re just planes. Yeah, they’re fancified, tricked-out planes. But, well, so is a stealth bomber, and regular old non-superpowered people fly those. (An even lamer Quinjet offshoot is the Quin-Jetta, the modified Volkswagen Jetta the Great Lakes Avengers drove around for a short time. But that lameness was clearly on purpose.)

5) Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet
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In reality (well, comic-book reality), the invisible jet is actually pretty useful – it can turn into any other type of vehicle (like a tank or a submarine) as needed, it can grow in size to transport more people, and it can make its passengers invisible themselves. But all those very worthwhile features still don’t change the fact that seeing a costumed woman buzzing through the air in a seated position while she holds an invisible yoke in one hand and pulls an invisible throttle with the other is stupid-looking as hell.

4) Big Wheel’s Wheel
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For those not in the know, Big Wheel was a Spider-Man villain (with the incredibly creative name of, no kidding, “Jackson Weele”) who, well, rode around in a big, building climbing wheel so that he could settle his vendetta with another D-list villain, Rocket Racer. In an exhibition of the incredible wrong-headedness with which he built his transport, Weele quickly drove it straight into the Hudson River and almost died. He probably wouldn’t have been much better off just jumping inside an old tire.

3) The Green Goblin’s Broomstick
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“Whaaaaaaaa?” I’m sure you’re exclaiming as you spew half-swallowed Mountain Dew all over your netbook. “The Green Gobin doesn’t ride a broomstick! He rides a glider!” you continue as you type out an angery comment about how a nerd-culture/humor blog doesn’t do enough research. But not so fast there, movie fan! Old Norman Osborn didn’t start out riding around on his classic, cool glider. No sir. In his very first appearance, the Green Goblin traveled on a Harry Potter tip. So, take note, H.A.M.M.E.R fans: Early on, Norman Osborn rode on a big smoking dildo.

2) Kite-Man’s Kite
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I’ve made my thoughts about Kite-Man clear in the past (http://www.the-iss.com/2007/07/the_11_lamest_supervillains_in.php), but it bears repeating: He flies around on a kite. And he thought that made him worthy of fighting Batman and Superman. On a kite. So his bank robbing schedule has to obviously revolve around whenever there’s a strong headwind.

1) The Spider-Mobile
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Not only is the Spider-Mobile just flat out ugly as hell, it also makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. (And yes, I realize it was introduced as kind of a joke, so get up off my jock). It makes perfect sense for Batman to have a car – he’s just a guy, after all, and running around would make him awfully tired. But Spider-Man can shoot webs out of his wrists and basically fly around the city. And even when he runs out of web fluid, he can just clomp right down on a taxi and ride it as needed. So why in the name of Wilson Fisk would he want to drive around a weird-looking dune buggy in the city with pretty much the worst traffic in America? That’s like getting in an airplane and deciding to taxi all the way to Pittsburgh.

The best is yet to come, because it’s after the jump.

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THE BEST:

6) Brainiac’s Ships
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For a mostly unfeeling alien/automaton (depending on how DC feels that day) with a 12th-level intellect, Brainiac sure knows how to ride in style. His various spaceships over the years have had all kinds of neat features – he could use them to revive himself, he had neat weapons, he could steal and shrink cities – but other spaceships, like Galactus’ very cool giant sphere have pretty much the same things going for them. What sets Brainiac’s various ships apart are that the ones that weren’t plain old flying saucers were skull-shaped. Some of them had tentacles, and others had glowing red or green eyes. Seriously, somebody ought to tell GM and Chrysler to just start building some skull-shaped cars, because I know I and many like-minded others would be jizzing all over that showroom that day, cash for clunkers or no.

5) The Fantasticar Mk. II
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As if you needed more evidence that Reed Richards is a smart guy, here’s one more reason: He decided to take the design of the original Fantasticar, which was basically a fancy flying soapdish, and turn it into a multi-part flying car with four separate compartments. That helps tactically, since the various cars can break off to allow members of the Fantastic Four to split up. But even more importatnly, it makes it so much easier to ignore your ever-babbling family while on a long trip. Genuis, Mr. Fanstastic. Genius.

4) Dr. Doom’s Time Platform
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It ain’t much to look at, but Dr. Doom’s time platform doesn’t really need to since, well, it’s a working time machine, which he often uses to jump back or forward in time to go have sex with Morgan Le Fay or steal Blackbeard’s treasure whenever he feels like it. (It’s unclear why he hasn’t used it to go back and stop the accident that ruined his face or suffocate Reed Richards as a baby, but I trust Doom’s judgment.)

3) The S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier
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Here’s all you need to know about the helicarriers: They are aircraft carriers that fly. That is on-its-face awesome. And no matter how many decades they continue to have artists like Bryan Hitch lovingly draw them like they’re the hottest shit Stan Lee ever shat, they will remain that way. (Also hot but for different reasons: the Aeromarine from “Nextwave,” the H.A.T.E. airship made of four submarines glued together.)

2) The Authority’s Carrier
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It’s cool enough that The Carrier, a sentient shiftship that can traverse the Bleed between universes, is powered by a caged mini-universe. I mean, that would be good enough to put the thing on this list right there. But here’s what puts it near the top: The damn thing negates the need for all other vehicles. Seriously, it will up and make a door for you anywhere you want to go. That’s the very definition of convenience, folks.

1) The Whole Batman Fleet
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I know it’s kind of a cheat for me to include every Batman vehicle in one entry here, but, come on, if I had to list them all separately, they’d pretty much be the whole list. Obviously, the Batmobile – whether it’s the 1960s convertible, the old fashioned bat-plate-fronted coupe, the badass Animated Series version, the tank from the new movies or the new hovercrafty thing Batman’s driving around – is pretty much the coolest car ever. But then, on top of that, he’s got a boat, a jet, a submarine, a motorcycle, a helicopter and dozens of other cool vehicles. And they’re head-and-shoulders above all other vehicles. There are none better. It’s really not even fair.