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Yeah, I know. They're there because they make for good toys. It doesn't matter if they make sense or not or if they're genuinely cool or not, as long as parents and boy-men shell out $25 or more a pop for a cheap plastic version of what an artist drew in an afternoon while an editor/marketing guy/money grubber railed about how they need something toyetic, and they need it now. But hey, you've got to admit, some comic-book vehicles are cooler than others. Some you'd give your left and/or right nuts to have. And some seem to be even more problematic and stupid than my 1999 Mazda 626.
THE WORST:
6) The Avengers' Quinjet/The X-Men's Blackbird (tie)
There's nothing outright wrong with the Quinjets or the Blackbird, but don't they seem just a little... mundane for the aircraft in which Marvel's A-list superteams fly around? Especially when a whole bunch of the teams' members can fly already? I mean, when you get right down to it, they're just planes. Yeah, they're fancified, tricked-out planes. But, well, so is a stealth bomber, and regular old non-superpowered people fly those. (An even lamer Quinjet offshoot is the Quin-Jetta, the modified Volkswagen Jetta the Great Lakes Avengers drove around for a short time. But that lameness was clearly on purpose.)
5) Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet
In reality (well, comic-book reality), the invisible jet is actually pretty useful - it can turn into any other type of vehicle (like a tank or a submarine) as needed, it can grow in size to transport more people, and it can make its passengers invisible themselves. But all those very worthwhile features still don't change the fact that seeing a costumed woman buzzing through the air in a seated position while she holds an invisible yoke in one hand and pulls an invisible throttle with the other is stupid-looking as hell.
4) Big Wheel's Wheel
For those not in the know, Big Wheel was a Spider-Man villain (with the incredibly creative name of, no kidding, "Jackson Weele") who, well, rode around in a big, building climbing wheel so that he could settle his vendetta with another D-list villain, Rocket Racer. In an exhibition of the incredible wrong-headedness with which he built his transport, Weele quickly drove it straight into the Hudson River and almost died. He probably wouldn't have been much better off just jumping inside an old tire.
3) The Green Goblin's Broomstick
"Whaaaaaaaa?" I'm sure you're exclaiming as you spew half-swallowed Mountain Dew all over your netbook. "The Green Gobin doesn't ride a broomstick! He rides a glider!" you continue as you type out an angery comment about how a nerd-culture/humor blog doesn't do enough research. But not so fast there, movie fan! Old Norman Osborn didn't start out riding around on his classic, cool glider. No sir. In his very first appearance, the Green Goblin traveled on a Harry Potter tip. So, take note, H.A.M.M.E.R fans: Early on, Norman Osborn rode on a big smoking dildo.
2) Kite-Man's Kite
I've made my thoughts about Kite-Man clear in the past (http://www.the-iss.com/2007/07/the_11_lamest_supervillains_in.php), but it bears repeating: He flies around on a kite. And he thought that made him worthy of fighting Batman and Superman. On a kite. So his bank robbing schedule has to obviously revolve around whenever there's a strong headwind.
1) The Spider-Mobile
Not only is the Spider-Mobile just flat out ugly as hell, it also makes no goddamn sense whatsoever. (And yes, I realize it was introduced as kind of a joke, so get up off my jock). It makes perfect sense for Batman to have a car - he's just a guy, after all, and running around would make him awfully tired. But Spider-Man can shoot webs out of his wrists and basically fly around the city. And even when he runs out of web fluid, he can just clomp right down on a taxi and ride it as needed. So why in the name of Wilson Fisk would he want to drive around a weird-looking dune buggy in the city with pretty much the worst traffic in America? That's like getting in an airplane and deciding to taxi all the way to Pittsburgh.
The best is yet to come, because it's after the jump.
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