Today's story is from Hunterjeanmidna, an author I'm not convinced isn't just a fake profile for writing nonsense. Still, as always, there's a line between slyly writing crack fics and just ending up writing ridiculous porn, and I'll leave it to you to say if Hunterjeanmidna crosses it. Besides, this tale has a message that we all could stand to hear once in a while:
WARNING: This is an ANTI-RAPE piece, speaking out against erotic
rape scenes in fanfictions. In no way is this meant to be "hot" or
anything, it's supposed to be disturbing to show how horrible an
criminal rape is. But there are a buncha funny parts an it's not all
depressing. I just wanna get a message across to my readers that RAPE IS
RAPE IS NOT GOOD -- a bold stand, and yet I couldn't agree more, sir. Shall we?
CHAPTER I: SWOOPING IN LIKE A HAWK
Ian Hawk was PISSED as he walked through the trailer home he was livin
in cuz he lost all his money. Hed lost not only his first group of
chipmunks but also the chipettes he got! "Hmmmm" though Ian "I heard the
chipmunks an chippetes are homies now, an they're all living in the
Ian is played by David Cross in the movie. I'm not sure starring in this fan fic is any more embarrassing than starring in two CG Alvin and the Chipmunk
Then he got a Tequila an turned on the TV where Dr. Sznell was
advertising his new invention.
"Hey everybody!" he yelled "Do you wanna turn into an chipmunk an be
successful like the Chipmunk/Chipettes?? Then use my machine for just a
small fee of $19.99!
$20 is incredibly reasonable for a device that turns people into chipmunks. Just sayin'.
Ian got a plan. He was going to turn himself into a chipmukn an join the
group an maybe fuck some Chippetes an then kill them!! Ian was very
pleased with his plan.
a good plan.
He went over to Dr. Sznell's lab and said "Hey doc I saw your ad on the
TV turn me into a chipmunk!" The docter said "no you dont have any
money" so Ian got pissed. He looked around an noticed that Dr. Sznell's
son was standing with him. A perfect negotiation object!
said "YOU BETTER TURN ME INTO A CHIPUNK YOU MOTHERFUCKER OR ILL FUCKING
KILL YOUR SON!!!" The boy got scared an started cryin.
Didn't Dr. Sznell display a phone number during his commercial for ordering the device? I think he's sell a lot more chipmunk makers if he had. I mean, I'm no business major, but I would think it would be helpful.
"Okay OKAY MISTER HAWK!!!" said Sznell! "I'll turn you into a chipmunk
free of charge!" Ian shook the docters hand. "Okay, excellent." he was
grinning. He then patted the kid on the head to warm himself up to the
kid, though this didnt really make up for the fact that Ian threatened
to kill him.
So Ian walked into the special Munkifier room an got naked an stepped
it. He'd seen that movie The Fly an was kinda worried that something
would go wrong an hed turn into an abomination. But the machine hummed
to life an there was flashin lights in the room an smoke came outta the
Munkifier. Ian came out an looked at the mirror an it worked: he was
turned into a chipmunk!!!!! But there were some strange
ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (AN: Isn't that a good song) goin on with Ian. For
one he was shorter. He was naked an covered in hair (well even more hair
cuz Ian's one hairy dude). He squeaked when he talked.
That is a good song. One that I will forever think of along with this fan fic, and thus is ruined for ever more.
An his penis was a lot smaller! LEss that an inch long in fact. He was
sad at first at this revelatation because he lost his title of "Big
Poppa" he had around the red light district (remember how many hoes
Kernal Qwaritch fucked? Well Ian fucked alot more (trust me homies David
Cross drives the ladies crazy...just ask my sister an mama! We saw the
Chipmunks movies an my daddy an brother were beggin to be allowed to
leave but mama an my sister stayed to watch David!! An I was watchin to
come up with stories!)
I should point out that Hunterjeanmidna's other story is about the evil marine colonel Quaritch from Avatar, and it is equally insane as this story.
But then Ian remembered that he was gonna get BAD revenge on those
naaaaasty Chipmunks an this made him feel better.
Chipmunk Ian hitched a ride to the Chipmunks house........... he was in
Compton while the Chipmunks were around Mulholland Drive (the best movie
ever BTW) so he had plenty of time to plan his revenge....
End of Chapter one. Did I tell you this was four chapters long?
CHAPTER II: DIRTY MOVIE
It was a bright sunny day an the chipmunks an chippetes were at home
above LA in Mulholland Drive. David wasnt there (he left for London to
see the premiere of the new Harry Potter movie) but he left on a dirty
movie featuring some big muscleman like Arnold or Sylvester doin a chick
with bigass tits like Pamela Anderson doggystyle. The munks were
Understandably so. Ever wonder why people can say "bigass tits" but not "bigtit ass"? Yeah, me neither.
"What are they doing on the TV?" asked Elenor.
"Isn't it ovious?" said Simon an Jeanete at once, the brainy Munks.
"Theyre wrestling." Alvan rolled his eyes at their woaful ingorance.
"No they aint wrestlin you dumbasses" said Alvan the troublemaker
"They're havin SEX!!" he said grinnin with his buck teeth.
"Whats sex" asked Theodore
Alvan scoffed. The fame made him kinda an asshole. "You fatass
motherfucker, its what happens when you stick your penis in a vagina and
hump an hump an hump an then white shit comes out an gets her pregnent
an 8 months later you have a buncha baby chipmunks."
Ooh, so close, Hunterjeanmidna. I'll give you a B+ for accuracy.
The other munks got very interested. Theodor asked "You mean I could do
that with Elonor?" he asked.
"Yeah you fuckin can" said Alivn an then Theodor said no more as he
jumped on Elonor an stuck his huge penis right in an started humping
Elonor an Elonor was totally lovin it. Then the other munks (meaning
Alavn Simon Brittany an Jeanete) got so turned on they all decided to
join in!!! They all got on Davids bed an started doin it an it was a
chipmunk orgy. High pitched screams an groans an moans an grunts an crys
whimpers of pleasure filled the air as the Munks fucked an fucked an
fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked until they came
like Super Soakers all over the sheets.
Eights fuckeds, and yet "an" was not spelled correctly once. Did the author really need to copy and paste "an fucked"? Did he really save that much time?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA" said Britttany as Alvin unloaded a full clip into her
uterus. Jeanete fell asleep Simon was such a good fuck an Theodor came
so much that he got Elonor pregnant with a baby chipmunk already. Alvun
was such a power fuck that Brittany went flyin across the room!! Now
they were all tired when they heared a knock.
"Theodor" is a fucking stallion.
"OH FUCK!" yelled Theodor "ITS PROBABBLY DAVE, AN WE HAVE THIS MOVIE ON,
AN CAME ALL OVER HIS SHEETS."
Dave left the porn flick on. Seems like having a chipmunk orgy on his bed should have been a pretty foreseeable consequence of that action.
"Be right there" yelled Alvin as the other Munks changed the channel an
cleaned all the cum off the bed. It was a big job but they did it and
the they got the door an saw a very tall very skinny black guy with cornrows
an a goatee.
"Are you.." said Alvan shocked.
"Yeah I am" said the black guy "It's me! The Dee-Oh-Double-Gee!"
"HOLY SHIT ITS SNOOP DOGG!" yelled Alvan he'd never been so excited in
his life. Alvan was a huge gangsta rap fan an Snoop was one of his
"Why are you here" asked Jeanete
"Well Dave told me that Alvan was a big fan an you lil' homies needed a
Too little too lizzle, my nizzle.
The munks all got excited as Snoop came in.
"So anyway Dave told me that your not in school so you get to stay home
an do nothin. But he just said no cussin an no fightin." The munks didnt
peep a word about their orgy becuase Dave wouldnt like that either.
"Well what words cant we say?" asked Alvan.
"well you can't say fuck or bitch or piss or shit or damn or goddamn or
anything like that."
"What about cunt?" asked Alvan grinnin.
"OH FUCK NO!" yelled Snoop as Alvan grinned agian. "The babysitter
cussed which means we can cuss!"
"No it don't you little fleas!" yelled Snoop but then he agreed to cover
up their cussin to David. "If I said no cussin, I'd be a hypocrite."
Suddenly, it dawns on me that this is only one of the many reasons Snoop Dogg has not succeeded as a professional babysitter.
So anyway the day went as usual. They all watched TV an then Men in
Black came on. Snoop went to get popcorn for him an the munks but looked
in the pantry and saw that they were out!
Snoop came into the intertainment room. "Hey look lil' homies, we're
outta popcorn so I'm gonna run to Piggley Wiggley to get us some." He
was about to get in his car when Alvan came over sayin he wanted to go!
So Snoop picked up Alvan an they drove to Piggly Wiggley while listenin
to Snoops CDs (AN: Doggystyle is his best album IMO). The other munks
were at home alone.
So the munks all sat an watched Men in Black, laughin at the jokes,
amazed by how cool Will Smith an Tommy Lee Jones are when they heard a
knocking. They thought it was Snoop an Alvan with the popcorn but they
opened the door an saw a chipmunk.
"Hello guys" said the chipmunk "I used to live in the neighbers tree but
it got cut down." He wore glasses an was balding an looked somewhat
familiar...but he was nice so they let him in. Plus they were releaved
that it wasnt Dave cuz Jeanete was still naked.
Frankly, this discrepancy between them being chipmunks and being ashamed of their nudity is the most disturbing part of this fan fic for me. It's almost biblical. Jeanette's natural state is nudity, and a chipmunk, she really shouldn't be expected to wear clothes, right? I mean, even in the world of Alvin and the Chipmunks, all animals aren't considered nude unless clothed, correct? So would it really be wrong if Jeanete didn't have clothes on? Have the Chipmunks and Chipettes been indoctrinated into some religion that makes them aware of original sin? Is this a good thing, seeing as it's man who is forcing these animals to sing and wear clothes?
"Whats your name" said Theodor.
"I'm Kwah Nai." the strange new chipmunk smiled at them.
BRILLIANT, HUNTERJEANMIDNA. Just brilliant.
"Kwah Nai" said Simon confused. "Where are you from?"
"I'm...uh, an immugrant from...uh,...um.....London."
"Okay I've always wanted to go to London!" said Brittany. "Whats it
"Well, uh" Ian grasped for ideas to fool the monks. "It's in the desert
an there are tigers an its a nude city so ther're naked hoes everywhere
showin off there gozangas."
That's exactly right.
"HOLY SHIT THERE ARE NAKED BABES!" squaked Theodore. "Take me to London
"Okay I can arrange for that, but to do that youll have to let me sleep
over tonight." Ian was happy cuz this was a perfect oppertunity to
extract his revenge.
Well, that makes perfect sense.
"Okay Kwah" said Simon, "We can all sleep in Daves bed because he's not
here for like a week or something. But now we're watchin Men in Black
you're welcome to join us. Snoop Dogg an our friend Alvan outta be comin
with the popcorn soon."
Simon, Dave's bed is covered in chipmunk juices. C'mon, man, you're supposed to be the smart one.
So then Snoop an Alvan came in both singin It Ain't No Fun if the Homies
Can't Have none an Snoop nuked that popcorn in the microwave. He sat on
the couch an gave everybody their popcorn an he saw Kwah.
"Well who's this?" he asked.
"It's our new friend" said Brittany as she introduced him to both Snoop
and Alvan. "His tree got chopped down so he's gonna stay with us an take
us to London."
So they all watched the movie as Kwah laughed on the inside. His plan
was working!!! And a bonus: He got to meet Snoop Dogg!!!!
Hey, just because he's an evil chipmunk doesn't mean he can't be impressed with meeting Snoop Dogg. He's not a monster, you know.
Later that night
The movie was over an it was gettin dusk out. Now the chipmunks were
about to go to bed but Snoop got thirsty so he had to go out an get
himself some beers.
"Hey Chipmunks, I'm gonna go get a little something something for the
Doggfather and I'll also bring you all a storybook."
So snoop left the house as the real Chipmunks all walkd to the bedroom
while Ian squeaked evilly with laughter. Revenge was gonna be his!
Ready for the second half? It's on the next page.