Fan Fiction Friday: "Alvan an the Chipmunks 3: The Second Squeakuel"

By Rob Bricken in Movies, Nerdery
Friday, April 2, 2010 at 3:29 pm
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Today's story is from Hunterjeanmidna, an author I'm not convinced isn't just a fake profile for writing nonsense. Still, as always, there's a line between slyly writing crack fics and just ending up writing ridiculous porn, and I'll leave it to you to say if Hunterjeanmidna crosses it. Besides, this tale has a message that we all could stand to hear once in a while:
WARNING: This is an ANTI-RAPE piece, speaking out against erotic rape scenes in fanfictions. In no way is this meant to be "hot" or anything, it's supposed to be disturbing to show how horrible an criminal rape is. But there are a buncha funny parts an it's not all depressing. I just wanna get a message across to my readers that RAPE IS NOT GOOD.
RAPE IS NOT GOOD -- a bold stand, and yet I couldn't agree more, sir. Shall we?

CHAPTER I: SWOOPING IN LIKE A HAWK

Ian Hawk was PISSED as he walked through the trailer home he was livin in cuz he lost all his money. Hed lost not only his first group of chipmunks but also the chipettes he got! "Hmmmm" though Ian "I heard the chipmunks an chippetes are homies now, an they're all living in the same place!"
Ian is played by David Cross in the movie. I'm not sure starring in this fan fic is any more embarrassing than starring in two CG Alvin and the Chipmunk movies, however.
Then he got a Tequila an turned on the TV where Dr. Sznell was advertising his new invention.

"Hey everybody!" he yelled "Do you wanna turn into an chipmunk an be successful like the Chipmunk/Chipettes?? Then use my machine for just a small fee of $19.99!
$20 is incredibly reasonable for a device that turns people into chipmunks. Just sayin'.
Ian got a plan. He was going to turn himself into a chipmukn an join the group an maybe fuck some Chippetes an then kill them!! Ian was very pleased with his plan.
It is a good plan.
He went over to Dr. Sznell's lab and said "Hey doc I saw your ad on the TV turn me into a chipmunk!" The docter said "no you dont have any money" so Ian got pissed. He looked around an noticed that Dr. Sznell's son was standing with him. A perfect negotiation object!

said "YOU BETTER TURN ME INTO A CHIPUNK YOU MOTHERFUCKER OR ILL FUCKING KILL YOUR SON!!!" The boy got scared an started cryin.
Didn't Dr. Sznell display a phone number during his commercial for ordering the device? I think he's sell a lot more chipmunk makers if he had. I mean, I'm no business major, but I would think it would be helpful.
"Okay OKAY MISTER HAWK!!!" said Sznell! "I'll turn you into a chipmunk free of charge!" Ian shook the docters hand. "Okay, excellent." he was grinning. He then patted the kid on the head to warm himself up to the kid, though this didnt really make up for the fact that Ian threatened to kill him.

So Ian walked into the special Munkifier room an got naked an stepped it. He'd seen that movie The Fly an was kinda worried that something would go wrong an hed turn into an abomination. But the machine hummed to life an there was flashin lights in the room an smoke came outta the Munkifier. Ian came out an looked at the mirror an it worked: he was turned into a chipmunk!!!!! But there were some strange ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (AN: Isn't that a good song) goin on with Ian. For one he was shorter. He was naked an covered in hair (well even more hair cuz Ian's one hairy dude). He squeaked when he talked.
That is a good song. One that I will forever think of along with this fan fic, and thus is ruined for ever more.
An his penis was a lot smaller! LEss that an inch long in fact. He was sad at first at this revelatation because he lost his title of "Big Poppa" he had around the red light district (remember how many hoes Kernal Qwaritch fucked? Well Ian fucked alot more (trust me homies David Cross drives the ladies crazy...just ask my sister an mama! We saw the Chipmunks movies an my daddy an brother were beggin to be allowed to leave but mama an my sister stayed to watch David!! An I was watchin to come up with stories!)
I should point out that Hunterjeanmidna's other story is about the evil marine colonel Quaritch from Avatar, and it is equally insane as this story.
But then Ian remembered that he was gonna get BAD revenge on those naaaaasty Chipmunks an this made him feel better.

Chipmunk Ian hitched a ride to the Chipmunks house........... he was in Compton while the Chipmunks were around Mulholland Drive (the best movie ever BTW) so he had plenty of time to plan his revenge....
End of Chapter one. Did I tell you this was four chapters long?
CHAPTER II: DIRTY MOVIE

It was a bright sunny day an the chipmunks an chippetes were at home above LA in Mulholland Drive. David wasnt there (he left for London to see the premiere of the new Harry Potter movie) but he left on a dirty movie featuring some big muscleman like Arnold or Sylvester doin a chick with bigass tits like Pamela Anderson doggystyle. The munks were weirded out.
Understandably so. Ever wonder why people can say "bigass tits" but not "bigtit ass"? Yeah, me neither.
"What are they doing on the TV?" asked Elenor.

"Isn't it ovious?" said Simon an Jeanete at once, the brainy Munks. "Theyre wrestling." Alvan rolled his eyes at their woaful ingorance.

"No they aint wrestlin you dumbasses" said Alvan the troublemaker "They're havin SEX!!" he said grinnin with his buck teeth.
AALLLLLLVVVVVAAAAAANNNNNN
"Whats sex" asked Theodore

Alvan scoffed. The fame made him kinda an asshole. "You fatass motherfucker, its what happens when you stick your penis in a vagina and hump an hump an hump an then white shit comes out an gets her pregnent an 8 months later you have a buncha baby chipmunks."
Ooh, so close, Hunterjeanmidna. I'll give you a B+ for accuracy.
The other munks got very interested. Theodor asked "You mean I could do that with Elonor?" he asked.

"Yeah you fuckin can" said Alivn an then Theodor said no more as he jumped on Elonor an stuck his huge penis right in an started humping Elonor an Elonor was totally lovin it. Then the other munks (meaning Alavn Simon Brittany an Jeanete) got so turned on they all decided to join in!!! They all got on Davids bed an started doin it an it was a chipmunk orgy. High pitched screams an groans an moans an grunts an crys whimpers of pleasure filled the air as the Munks fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked an fucked until they came like Super Soakers all over the sheets.
Eights fuckeds, and yet "an" was not spelled correctly once. Did the author really need to copy and paste "an fucked"? Did he really save that much time?
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA" said Britttany as Alvin unloaded a full clip into her uterus. Jeanete fell asleep Simon was such a good fuck an Theodor came so much that he got Elonor pregnant with a baby chipmunk already. Alvun was such a power fuck that Brittany went flyin across the room!! Now they were all tired when they heared a knock.
"Theodor" is a fucking stallion.
"OH FUCK!" yelled Theodor "ITS PROBABBLY DAVE, AN WE HAVE THIS MOVIE ON, AN CAME ALL OVER HIS SHEETS."
Dave left the porn flick on. Seems like having a chipmunk orgy on his bed should have been a pretty foreseeable consequence of that action.
"Be right there" yelled Alvin as the other Munks changed the channel an cleaned all the cum off the bed. It was a big job but they did it and the they got the door an saw a very tall very skinny black guy with cornrows an a goatee.

"Are you.." said Alvan shocked.

"Yeah I am" said the black guy "It's me! The Dee-Oh-Double-Gee!"
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"HOLY SHIT ITS SNOOP DOGG!" yelled Alvan he'd never been so excited in his life. Alvan was a huge gangsta rap fan an Snoop was one of his heros!!!

"Why are you here" asked Jeanete

"Well Dave told me that Alvan was a big fan an you lil' homies needed a babysitter."
Too little too lizzle, my nizzle.
The munks all got excited as Snoop came in.

"So anyway Dave told me that your not in school so you get to stay home an do nothin. But he just said no cussin an no fightin." The munks didnt peep a word about their orgy becuase Dave wouldnt like that either.

"Well what words cant we say?" asked Alvan.

"well you can't say fuck or bitch or piss or shit or damn or goddamn or anything like that."

"What about cunt?" asked Alvan grinnin.

"OH FUCK NO!" yelled Snoop as Alvan grinned agian. "The babysitter cussed which means we can cuss!"

"No it don't you little fleas!" yelled Snoop but then he agreed to cover up their cussin to David. "If I said no cussin, I'd be a hypocrite." said Snoop.
Suddenly, it dawns on me that this is only one of the many reasons Snoop Dogg has not succeeded as a professional babysitter.
So anyway the day went as usual. They all watched TV an then Men in Black came on. Snoop went to get popcorn for him an the munks but looked in the pantry and saw that they were out!

Snoop came into the intertainment room. "Hey look lil' homies, we're outta popcorn so I'm gonna run to Piggley Wiggley to get us some." He was about to get in his car when Alvan came over sayin he wanted to go! So Snoop picked up Alvan an they drove to Piggly Wiggley while listenin to Snoops CDs (AN: Doggystyle is his best album IMO). The other munks were at home alone.
 
So the munks all sat an watched Men in Black, laughin at the jokes, amazed by how cool Will Smith an Tommy Lee Jones are when they heard a knocking. They thought it was Snoop an Alvan with the popcorn but they opened the door an saw a chipmunk.

"Hello guys" said the chipmunk "I used to live in the neighbers tree but it got cut down." He wore glasses an was balding an looked somewhat familiar...but he was nice so they let him in. Plus they were releaved that it wasnt Dave cuz Jeanete was still naked.
Frankly, this discrepancy between them being chipmunks and being ashamed of their nudity is the most disturbing part of this fan fic for me. It's almost biblical. Jeanette's natural state is nudity, and a chipmunk, she really shouldn't be expected to wear clothes, right? I mean, even in the world of Alvin and the Chipmunks, all animals aren't considered nude unless clothed, correct? So would it really be wrong if Jeanete didn't have clothes on? Have the Chipmunks and Chipettes been indoctrinated into some religion that makes them aware of original sin? Is this a good thing, seeing as it's man who is forcing these animals to sing and wear clothes?
"Whats your name" said Theodor.

"I'm Kwah Nai." the strange new chipmunk smiled at them.
BRILLIANT, HUNTERJEANMIDNA. Just brilliant.
"Kwah Nai" said Simon confused. "Where are you from?"

"I'm...uh, an immugrant from...uh,...um.....London."

"Okay I've always wanted to go to London!" said Brittany. "Whats it like"

"Well, uh" Ian grasped for ideas to fool the monks. "It's in the desert an there are tigers an its a nude city so ther're naked hoes everywhere showin off there gozangas."
That's exactly right.
"HOLY SHIT THERE ARE NAKED BABES!" squaked Theodore. "Take me to London right now!"
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"Okay I can arrange for that, but to do that youll have to let me sleep over tonight." Ian was happy cuz this was a perfect oppertunity to extract his revenge.
Well, that makes perfect sense.
"Okay Kwah" said Simon, "We can all sleep in Daves bed because he's not here for like a week or something. But now we're watchin Men in Black you're welcome to join us. Snoop Dogg an our friend Alvan outta be comin with the popcorn soon."
Simon, Dave's bed is covered in chipmunk juices. C'mon, man, you're supposed to be the smart one.
So then Snoop an Alvan came in both singin It Ain't No Fun if the Homies Can't Have none an Snoop nuked that popcorn in the microwave. He sat on the couch an gave everybody their popcorn an he saw Kwah.

"Well who's this?" he asked.

"It's our new friend" said Brittany as she introduced him to both Snoop and Alvan. "His tree got chopped down so he's gonna stay with us an take us to London."

So they all watched the movie as Kwah laughed on the inside. His plan was working!!! And a bonus: He got to meet Snoop Dogg!!!!
Hey, just because he's an evil chipmunk doesn't mean he can't be impressed with meeting Snoop Dogg. He's not a monster, you know.
Later that night

The movie was over an it was gettin dusk out. Now the chipmunks were about to go to bed but Snoop got thirsty so he had to go out an get himself some beers.

"Hey Chipmunks, I'm gonna go get a little something something for the Doggfather and I'll also bring you all a storybook."

So snoop left the house as the real Chipmunks all walkd to the bedroom while Ian squeaked evilly with laughter. Revenge was gonna be his!
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Ready for the second half? It's on the next page.

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