Fan Fiction Friday: Optimus Prime and Princess Leia in "Love Beyond Circuits, Love Beyond Flesh"

By Rob Bricken in Cartoons, Movies, Nerdery
Friday, June 18, 2010 at 2:41 pm
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I'm in a good mood today. Also, today is apparently a young Topless Roboteer named Nikki's birthday, and she very politely asked me to run a ComicsNix story to celebrate. I'm a sucker for politeness, and it's been a while since we've mainlined the good stuff in FFF. So what does our maestro have for us today?

This story is sittuated in the beggining of "Return of Jedi", before Luke Skywalker arrives, but after Leia, R2-D2 and C3-PO get trapped by Jabba. It tries to explain wath happened in the meantime. Hope you enjoy!

Optimus Prime is entering Megatorn secret base. The fight was vicious and the other transformers got caught. Optimus need to free them. Them, he enters Megatron knig chamber:

"egatro! Free my transformer pals or sufeer lead metal consequences!" shout Potimus.

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THIRD. FUCKING. PARAGRAPH. And this is why ComicsNix is truly the best of the best and we lvoe him -- just try and count all the errors in that one sentence. It's incredible. And you know what's more incredible? The fact that ComicsNix managed to spell "consequences" correctly. The love continues after the jump.


"AHAHAHH! You will never defeat me Leader of the autoboys! The deceptcions wil rule the galaxy!"

That would be "egatro" talking, by the way. Also, Megatron should totally call the Autobots "Autoboys" in the new TF cartoon.

"You will have to jump over my dead corpse!" and Optimus run at Megatron's direction, shooting blaster projectiles. Megatron runs to a secret chamber and Optius go behind. But it's a TRAP! Optimus get stuck into a titanium metal bar cages, and Megatron brags:

"Now Optimus, you will be my finaceer! Will help to pay my Death Satellite to kill the earth!"

"What?"

I like to think that Potimus is just as confused by Egatro's threat as I am. "What? What the hell are you talking about?"

Megatron open his Spaceship and embarks the jailbirded Optimus Prime. He set a couse to a distant planet, on a galaxy far way.

OH YEAH.

After some weeks, the Megatron's space ship arrives at Tatooine. He seeks for Jaba the Hutt, who recieves him:

"So Megatron" say Jobba ", brought me the specimen?"

"Yes" say Megatro" where's the money?"

"Here, and it was very a good exchange I hope we made."

"For sure Jabba, now, here, your new slave." and Megatron lend Optimus to Jabba.

"Ah" say Jabba, "a new robot to my collection. You wil entertain my cotumers for some time"

In all honesty, Jabba buying Optimus as one of his robot slaves is a pretty decent idea for a crossover fan fic...

Optimus is very angry and shout to Jabba:

"I'll never be your slave. You cannot control me!"

"Yes I can, if you try to escape, I will kill your cell companions!" and Jabba take Optimus to his cell. There, he finds the other prisioner Jabba was talking about:

"Hi, I'm Leia, this R2-d2 and this is C3-PO."

"Hi Lei,a I'm Optimus Prime, Leader of Autobots. What they are going to do?"

"Well, I don't know. Jabba said he opened a new service on Tatooine to entertain people from staying from other planets. I hope he don't kill us...if only I could contact Luke, my brother..."

"Don't be afraidd Leia, I will find a way out." and they waited and talked. Leia told about the rebels, Han Solo in the carbonite and her love for him. The next day, guards wakaned the prisioners and took them to the Colosseum. It ws very big, an was full of aliens and people from all over the universe. Jabba speakes at an microphone:

"Greetings dear customers. Welcome to the first Luxury Multi Species Colloseum of the galaxy! Here, our first slaves will have pleasures beyond imagination, and will please you too. Don't feel ashamed, put your clothes off and jerk at will. No extra expenses are charged by cleaning the place. Toilet paper is at your right side of your chair. Codoms are charged separately. Have safe sex...and let the show begins!"

...but a fan fic where Jabba buys Optimus Prime as a sex gladiator is what sets ComicsNix apart from the rest of the rest. Please also note the horrifying look into ComicsNix's masturbatory habits; instead of listing the more common kleenex, he mentions that toilet paper is provided for the alien audience to jerk off onto, which unfortunately implies that's ComicsNix's disposal method of choice. Informative!

Also, Jabba exhorting the crowd to have safe sex while he's forcing Princess Leia to fuck Optimus Prime? Outstanding.

Optimus are there, looking around seeing that multitute of people. He can do nothing, even if he tries to fight, Jabba can kill Leia and the others. They are fragile, so he must let go his pride and please that hautingly audience of pedos.

Pedos? Really? Is it "kids night" at Jabba's sex slave arena tonight? Or is Prime just being unfairly judgmental about people who have paid to see him fuck Carrie Fisher?

All of the five slaves have micro microphones, so wath they say, the audience can enjoy. Jabba firmed a contract with the costumers that moanings and profanities are a right they have, so the slaves must keep shit chatting while sodomizing one another. Prime sits on the dirty ground and wait. Leia comes near him:

"Oh Optimus, sorry that we met this way..."

"Well, I'm sorry I'm about to shove my metal penis into your vagina. C'est la vie!"

"Don't be ashamed Leian, it's not our free will that approves this horrifying spectacle of pure sacrilege against flesh and circuits. It will be over in some hours." said the twenty foot tall robot.

Hours? Someone has a pretty high opinion of his sex slave skills.

Leia jumped on Primus legs and walked to his hips.

"Now Optimus, show me your metal cock." said Princess Leia with a moaning and whoring voice and readly, Optimus engaged into the sex serving mode. A hatch opened, and slowly, a cilindrical monster of lead and gold emerged from the opening crotch gate. It was shinning and was totally waxed. But was to big to Leia to be fucked. Forty inches of diameter and and six feet of height. Jabba was not pleased:

FFF Band Name #76: Opening Crotch Gate

"How that stupid robot can penetrate Leia now? His dick is taller than me! Megatron fooled me!" regreted Jabba. He kept thinking about a solution.

Just to recap: Jabba the Hutt is pissed off because Optimus Prime's dick is too big to fuck Leia. That just happened.

Leia looked and, because the show must go on, she did her best while Jabba tries to fix the sittuation.

Leia's commitment to fucking a giant robot against her will is commendable. It makes no sense whatsoever, but it is commendable.

"Oh Optimus, I guess I have to tenderize you metal dick for me to fully apreciate it's wonderfullness."

I was going to make a joke about the horror of Leia beating Optimus' dick with a meat tenderizer, and then I remembered his dick actually is metal. For all I know tenderizing it is the Transformer equivalent of a handjob.

"Leia, your leather clad bikini lighten up my boron buttocks!"

As god is my witness, I don't have the faintest clue what this means.

Leia rubbed with her stretched arms the metal dick, up and down, but it was dragging her skin. Even if it was polished and had no jagged edges, she needed to lubricate it:

"Prime, do you have something good to facilitate my work/?"

"Yes my power love. Here, have this squezing tube. It contains graphite. Just rub all all will be alright" and Leia did it. Her body got darkened by the graphite dust, but she liked it, and masturbating Potimus got very easy and pleasurable.

There is something so, so disturbing about this sensible, pertinant solution to lubricating metal being in the middle of this batshit fucking insane story about Optimus Prime fucking Princess Leia. It's like all of a sudden, ComicsNix was saying "And then Optimus pulls out a bit tube of KY jelly, and... NO. Leia can't lubricate his six-foot dick with KY -- it's metal! WHY, THAT WOULDN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!" Why this detail had to be scientifically correct in his otherwise insane erotic Star Wars/Transformers fan fic scares the bejeezus out of me.

R2-D2 aproached Optimus and asked permission to land.

"Granted my fellow cilindrical pal, you can enter my dark caves of mystery." said Optimus.

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Wasn't Dark Caves of Mystery a Hardy Boys book? And didn't a robot fuck Frank and Joe in the ass in that one, too?

"Blip Blop Blop!" said R2-D2. This was his first time fucking a robot. He was completely virgin, and was very ashamed he had to expose his intimacy in front of an audience of millions. But their lifes were at stake, so he must swallow all of his prejudcies and engage full head in this life altering experience.

"Leia" said Optimus," hang on!" and Leia hold very harder Optmus dick. Optimus got up a bit and gave space to R2-D2. Leia was hanging on Optimus dick while R2-D2 seached the best cordinates to penetrate Optimus experimental anus. Luckly for him, Prime's anus was automated to adjust the best diameter for foreign objects entering him.R2-D2 positioned and Optimus seated on him.

FFF Band Name #77 and New Current Champion: Experimental Anus

R2 was shaking and freightened. Optimus anal cavity was dark and moist, had some loose wires and was rusting from inside. He started to think sex was not made to coward robots like him.

"Don't be afraid" said Optimus to R2 "I'll help you!" and Optimus bowels lights got on. Everything wwas iluminated and R2 really saw what it really was. A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place. A camera apppeared from a wall and photographed R2-D2, and immediatelly put a portrait of him on a the bowel wall.

There is not a head-exploding pic in the world that can accurately describe how fucking insane this is. Let me repeat it for you, in case you blacked out from the sheer madness of it:

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place.

A beautifully adorned rectum, full of portraits of Prime's human friends that already visited the place.

Oh. My. God. I need a second; let's continue after the jump.

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