Nerd Epitaphs: And the Winners Are…

Holy hell. I don’t know if you guys are obsessed with death or what, but you guys were all over this contest — nearly 1,000 comments (admittedly, many of them replies and not entries) — the most comments in TR‘s history. Hell, even the haiku contests only got around 800.

?Since there were so many entries, and TR has no comment pagination, there were many, many good ideas that got repeated by other people later on down the line. I hope in the Honorable Mentions I recognized the first person to use the joke/quote/reference/whatever, but if not, I apologize. It’s probably because you’re a bad person and I hate you. Last but not least, give a polite golf clap to JPyke for the tombstone pic you see above. HMs and winners after the jump.

I figured that since they were so short, I could have nearly 50 Honorable Mentions; hope you don’t mind. They are divided onto two pages, though.

MattK said:

Game Over
Restore Restart Quit

Nick Jones said:

In case of zombification: aim for head, apply violence.

The Monkey Machine said:

Han shot first! (but not me, I died from remake overexposure)

fuzzie said:

Panicked, and forgot her towel.

Slurpy said:

He failed his saving roll.

SvenRedbeard said:

I want a music bar with the exact 8 notes that play when Mario dies in the original NES game.

SpiderHyphenMan said:

Currently Making Out with Maggie Grace in Purgatory

JTtheConqueror said:

“Insert Coin to Continue”
There would be a little coin slot and a little screen counting down from 10 at an increasing rate. Eventually dead me would have all of the quarters, bwahahaha.

tvtastegood said:

Tequila is better then bear and fuck hoes doing crazy shit

Phazonmasher said:

Found a Lazarus Pit
It Didn’t Work

Jim North said:

“Derezzed from the game grid before his time.”

gnawingtreebark said:

If only I had collected all 108 Stars of Destiny, all of this could have been avoided.

Diddy_Mao said:
” ‘Till all are one. “

MyNoNos said:

He never let himself or his kids believe there was ever more then a trilogy.

davelog said:

“If this tombstone is in Comic Sans, please shoot my wife.”

HangON! said:

Shot in the back
By Buford Tannen
Over a matter
Of 80 Dollars

SixShooter said:

Banned From Yiffstar.
Was Responsible This.

Bill Binder said:

By Grabthar’s Hammer
By The Suns of Warvan
I Shall Be Avenged.

Bazooka Joe said:

Was eaten by a grue.

DoctorSmashy said:

Here lies a great man. In his spare time, he fought dinosaurs

Reluctant Misanthrope said:

Roads? Where I’m going I don’t need…roads

TrapJaw said:

Earth has one mortal less
Heaven has one gamer more
Playing with Gygax, Arneson, & Dad
Forever in Jesus’ gaming store

Reverend Ender said:

“His superpowers and sexual charisma saved humanity on more than one occasion. He will be missed.”

SafetyDance101 said:

Cancelled by Fox

Brad said:

“Someone toss me a Phoenix Down.”

The mentioning honors continue on the next page!

—-

Tomb said:

I have written in my will that it should simply say “BRB”. True story.

Paige said:

As a nod to Indy’s last crusade (and last good movie)…
“She chose… poorly.”

Spawn622 said:

“Blow in the cartridge and he may still work”

darthmalevol said:

My God, it’s full of stars.

erugalathon1 said:

“Here lies erugalathon1.
If only he had done a barrel roll.”

Kevin said:

“I hated Phantom Menace so much I gave up my epitaph so the world could forever know how much that movie sucked balls. I’ll see you in Hell, George Lucas.”

Odemit said:

Here lies Erwin Schr?dinger
MAYBE

Daelinn said:

Instead of an actual quote, I’d simply have an empty bar on my tombstone, beneath which it would say “0/312 HP”

King Psyz said:

JCR ……………………. (number of days lived)
Ran out of quarters. At least I have my High Score
WINNERS DON’T USE DRUGS

Java said:

She bet she could out run a zombie. In heels.

Lonestarr said:

My only regret…is that I had…boneitis.

AfterGlow said:

Here lies AfterGlow, he won the Best Nerd Epitaph competition on ToplessRobot.com

Marjorie said:

This is not an exit.

James Brown said:

His only wish is to be reincarnated as a velociraptor armed with katanas.

keepoffthegrass said:

“Dont worry, my head is buried somewhere else”

Cellism said:

Finally, I am with girls.

Strangeman said:

“The clouds and the bushes are the same.”

RadishAttack said:

Mine will be a Transformers Tech Spec
It will feature a basic bio, rank, alliance, and my stats which will require my mourners to use that little red decoder thingie to read.

kana said:

Died from Jay Garrick’s hat flying at her at 300 miles per second.

And now for the actual winners!

Hand Banana said:

Training with King Kai
Don’t wish back for 1 year

Cavity_Dog said:

Achievement Unlocked: Completed Life (10G)

Nate The Grate said:

Now more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

What I like about these three — besides the clever, nerdy references of course — is that they all acknowledge that they’re dead, but do so obliquely, without having to say it specifically. I know I didn’t specify that in rules, hell, I didn’t even think of it, but I do think it sets them apart from the others. I admit, it does delight me to have an anime-themed winner in the bunch, but it delights me even more to think that “completing life” only gets you 10 fucking Gamerscore points. Seems about right to me. Thanks for entering, everybody. Try not to die and need to se any of these things, please!