One morning Grumpy Bear woke up and found that he did not, in fact, care.Care Bear stare your way to the jump when you're ready.
His response to this was to go back to sleep: but then, waking up ten minutes later, plodding to his bathroom and brushing his teeth, he still didn't actually care. (In response to this, he didn't floss.) It wasn't even anything unnerving. He simply could not give half a darn. In fact, there was so much darn he didn't give that it became a damn, which was another thing entirely, as anybody who has said either darn or damn will know.
He ate cookies in bed and wallowed in the crumbs. Then Grumpy dozed off fretfully until one o'clock in the afternoon, whereupon he was roused from his uncomfortable sleep by the screaming bleat of a car horn outside. He attempted to ignore it. This didn't work.
"Grumpy!" Honk, honk. Hooooonk. "Grumpy! Get out here, lazybones! You're going to miss the picnic!"
"You know what," shouted Grumpy, "you and your stupid picnic can go to hell!" Slam.
I'm going to skip ahead for a bit, because none of needs to read 800 words about Grumpy Bear being grumpy. That's his thing. You get it. So let's get to the part where the Care Bears decide how best to deal with Grumpy's extra grumpiness:
"I'm glad you all found the time to be here today," said Tender Heart, at the head of the table. "I hope you understand just how important this is."Why is this paragraph in parentheses?
(The assembled Care Bears and Care Bear cousins nodded. The Caring Meter had been attempting to go past the lowest rung for the past three days, creating such a horrible constant donging noise that they had to stop it up with sticky tape.)
So to be clear: It's rape < murder < Orangina TV commercials < mass murder < not caring. Good to have that sorted out.
"Of course we do!" huffed Brave Heart Lion, crossing his arms. "Grumpy's gettin' unbearable! He's broken the Caring Meter, y'all can hear it! I went in there yesterday to have a good long talk with him about caring and show him a thing or two, but would you believe he said he didn't want to be a Care Bear any more? He kept on saying all this stuff about child welfare and parental responsibility, he's stopped makin' sense!"
"No, Brave Heart!" Tender Heart said sternly, stopping an immediate wave of low muttering about Grumpy's varied wrongdoings. "Don't you see? It's not us we have to be worried about, it's Grumpy. Not caring is the worst thing in the whole entire world! Look at what it's doing to him. Can't you see how lonely he is? How frightened he must be? Without caring, there's... nothing. There's less than nothing. We can complain all we want, but in the end, it's Grumpy Bear who's hurting right now. It's our responsibility to help him."
Share Bear's purple paw waved in the air. "But what can we do, Tender Heart? We've all been trying everything we can for days. Nothing works!"God help me, I had to look up True Heart Bear, because I'd never heard of her. Apparently she's the mother of all the Care Bears and co-founder of the Kingdom of Caring. She's like the Earth mother-goddess of Care Bears. This was an incredibly stupid thing to learn, and the fact I learned it from an erotic fan fic depresses me to no end.
Tender Heart Bear had only the barest time to look Brave Heart Lion in the eye before he picked a letter up from the table. "This problem is beyond me. I decided the first day I needed to ask somebody who might have seen this before... True Heart Bear. So I wrote to True Heart, and she sent me a reply."
"Oh, True Heart will know how to fix him!"
"Noble Heart Horse, too!"I must admit, I enjoy that's how that's the only suggestion she has. She ransacked her little Care Bear brain, and the only possible solution it came up with to make Grumpy Bear care again was "a brutal monsterfuck." Frankly, I blame the Care Bear educational system for not teaching more, less rape-y ways to cure grumpiness. Flash forward past one trip to the sex shop later...
"You're the best, Tender Heart!"
"C'mon, Tender Heart! Open it up!"
They all clustered around him, getting their elbows in each other's faces, clambering on top of each other's shoulders with Swift Heart at the top of the pile and squashing poor Gentle Heart, Love-a-Lot trying to peer desperately over the top of Tender Heart's head as he peeled open the delicate kitten stationery carefully and read the insides aloud:"Dear Care Bears,
The only thing I can suggest is a brutal monsterfuck.
- True Heart"
Grumpy Bear awoke, suspended.Here's a fun thought: The Care Bears didn't have to purchase or order a rape rack. They had one already, just hanging out in Care-a-lot castle. You know, in case they needed to rape the bejeezus out of somebody. Maybe that's what happened to Professor Coldheart.
His arms and legs were tied up behind up, tied to something, though he couldn't see what it was: he was facing down, staring at the tiled floor of the main hall in Care-a-Lot, uncomfortably spreadeagled, cold and shocked. There was movement going on around him, and he groggily thought that maybe he was still dreaming as he tried to crane his head up to see what was going on.
"Hey? Hey! What - what the heck are you guys doing? Let me outta this thing!"
"Slave Bear speaks," said a voice.
"Slave Bear is tied to the rape rack," said another.
"What the - Funshine, that's you! I can hear you! What the hell are you doing? Wish Bear?"Here's where I get confused; because if I was grumpy, tied to a rape rack, bound and gagged, and then gang-raped, I think that would just make my mood worse.
For his pains, Grumpy Bear received a hard whack to the face with what looked like a long stick: it was pink, with rainbow decals. The sting of being hit shocked him into silence for long moments, before he began complaining louder than ever.
"Ow! Ow! Goddamnit!"
"Slave Bear talks out of turn," said another voice, worryingly familiar. "Gag him."
"What? No! I - urghahghaghrrg," managed Grumpy, before an arm that looked suspiciously like Funshine's forced a ball gag that reeked of pink glitter paint was shoved into his mouth. Grumpy Bear felt it being tied, yelled against it, and for the first time began to feel afraid.
"Slave Bear, you are in the rape rack for crimes against caring," said the first voice, and Grumpy identified it: Tender Heart. "Slave Bear, you will only come out of the rape rack when we think that you've started to care again. Until then, you will no longer be Grumpy Bear, but Slave Bear, and you are the property of every Care Bear or Care Bear Cousin in this room. You are going to be punished."
"Mrrf," said Grumpy."It's just an old Paula Deen cooking magazine. It's part of the torture."
"Your first punishment is - Love-a-Lot, are you giving him a magazine?"
Love-a-Lot snatched away the New Yorker she'd been putting helpfully in front of where Grumpy's eyeline had been positioned, staring hollow-eyed at the floor, and gave an anxious titter as she hid it behind her back. "Safe word is 'Professor Coldheart'," she whispered kindly, head close to Grumpy's own. "At least, it would be, only you're in a gag so that's totally useless! I'm fifth in line! Count for me!"
He watched her chubby pink legs as she ambled back to the grim circle of Care Bears. Tender Heart cleared his throat.
"I guess there's only one thing we can say to you now," he said. "And that's this: scream like a little bitch, fuckbitch."
Grumpy's blue-tinted ass jerked like a cheerleader attached to an electrode as the riding crop came down on him, over and over, shrieking like a gagged banshee and getting glitter on his tongue as he arched into the beating. What was worst was the silence: only Tender Heart's caught, ragged breath as he brought down the crop, nearly incoherently, and the weight of the Care Bear Stare all around him. And then it was broken.What's broken? The stare? The crop? Grumpy's ass?
"Gooo~oooo, Tender Heart!" cheered Cheer Bear. "Beat his filthy bear bitch ass! Slap it good and red! Hit him with your fuckcrop!"Wish Bear should remember the old proverb: those who live in glass houses in which a gang-rape is about to take place should not cast stones. Something like that.
"You are so creepy," said Wish.
"Woohoo! Spank his slut ass harder! C'mon, bears, say it with me! Your crop is your dick! Fuck him! Fuck! His! Blue! Slave! Bear! Ass!""WOOGADOO!"
"Beat him harder, motherfucker," cried Gentle Heart Lamb, and that opened the floodgates.Share Bear shares a little too much, methinks.
He was red and numb now, more tender with every strike, almost forgetting to cry out and renew his shocked yells when Share Bear eased off his gag. He spat out a small sea of cheap craft glitter. "Slave Bear needs a whore mouth," said Share Bear, and brandished the lipstick.
"Share, I - "And that was the day Tender Heart Bear was renamed Tender Asshole Bear.
"Slave Bear didn't get permission to speak," said Tender Heart, and before Grumpy could comment, felt his small stub of a tail being lifted up: he made no sound, eyes huge and round, as he felt something being slathered on his anus.
"Uh, Tender Heart, that looks like Marshmallow Fluff," commented Swift Heart, giving Grumpy Bear another good whop right on the ass as she watched.Actually, I'm starting to side with Wish Bear. Cheer Bear is all kinds of fucked up.
"What? Oh, it is Marshmallow Fluff," said Tender Heart. "What am I going to use, peanut butter?"
"You guys are dead," said Grumpy. "So. Dead. So - arrrghgrhrghargh!"
"Slave Bear is Care-A-Lot's fuckslut," chanted Cheer. "Slave Bear is the Forest of Feelings' felchtoy."
Grumpy's eyes rolled back in his head as Share clasped his face sharply, slapping him once as he whined before outlining his mouth in tacky red. He opened his mouth to protest: she shoved the lipstick in, made him bite down until he spat the waxy red substance out, rocking his head back and forth as Tender Heart worked the dildo into his ass. There was a horrible, sticky warm feeling starting to dribble into his crack and matt his fur: Swift Heart, with a bottle of maple syrup and revenge in his heart. "No!"REMEMBER: This is not nearly as bad as not caring.
"Does Slave Bear want the gag again," jeered Gentle Heart. "Does it? Does it?"
"There we go," said Share, applying the last of the eyeshadow. "Slut Bear is ready. Ready to be a slut."
Tears of pain were already making Grumpy's mascara run. He had to squint at the flowers bobbing in front of him, sunflowers with vacant smiles: Friend Bear was already yanking out his penis, pumping it amiably in his paw. There was a tiny red heart etched on the glans.
"Open up, Slave Bear!" Friend Bear piped up happily. "Slave Bear is an emotionless fuck machine!"
Tender Heart had rammed the dildo in, stopped there like some horrible and inevitably pink obstruction: and there was a giggling that sounded horribly like Playful Heart Monkey, which never boded well. In the throes of absolute agony, Grumpy Bear let his jaw hang slack: Friend Bear took the opportunity to ram himself inside Grumpy's mouth, making him gag, smearing cheap lipstick into Friend's marigold fur. Somebody had started spanking him again, slow and methodical, butt nearly steaming with the punishment.
"Hey, Slave Bear." It was Bright Heart Raccoon, dark eyes mild and curious as he crouched down to see Grumpy eye-to-eye. He held up two small clamps: he smiled benignly as they sparked with electricity. It was a deeply, deeply awful expression. "Tender Heart told me to invent a discipline device."
"Slave Bear will have his whorish nipples burnt off," yelled Cheer. "Slave Bear is a useless cockgobbler. Go! Go! Go!"
Grumpy shrieked into yellow friendcock as somebody removed the plug from his anus: it was even worse going out than it had been going in, and something disconcertingly organic was taking its place. He had no time to wonder: the leader of the Care Bears thrust his way into Grumpy's tortured care-channel, prompting another squeak from the victim. Swift Heart was spanking him worse than ever. Tender Heart made a deeply wounded noise in his throat: then he pulled out from Grumpy, and came in a wash of small red hearts all over his back.I can't decide if the joint ass-rape/spanking is an error by the author, or if the Care Bears have pacticed this so often they've figured out how to synchronize dual ass punishments. Also, FFF has ruined me.
"Grhgaaarghghgh," Grumpy managed, before Friend Bear jizzed sunflowers into his eyes. One slopped down his face and hung off his chin with limp, greasy petals. Before he had time to spit flowers out his mouth, Proud Heart Cat had taken his place, and somebody had given Cozy Heart a bullwhip.Wait a second -- the Care Bears ejaculate the symbols on their stomaches? Wow. Does that mean that Funshine Bear, whose symbol is the sun, shoot sunbeams out of his dick? Because that would be the best party trick ever.
There was a slow, blurred parade of fuckbeatings, and Cheer Bear having gotten a megaphone: Grumpy gazed blearily up, straining his neck as stars dribbled down his forehead wetly. He stared into the smiling faces of Secret Bear and Funshine, the first of whom was whispering busily into Funshine's ear.I HAVE MY DOUBTS THAT THE SHIT GOING DOWN ISN'T AS BAD AS NOT CARING
"Ooh, Grumpy, I mean, Slave Bear," said Funshine merrily. "Secret Bear says - " Whisper. "Secret Bear says he's going to fuck you so hard your insides burst open and your small intestine falls out on the floor, and then he's going to jizz in it so hard your mom will feel it! And your grandma! He's going to rape your internal organs, kind of like that one passage in Lolita! Then he's going to cut a hole in your belly and bang you that way, bitchbot!" Funshine paused. "Wow, Secret Bear. You read Lolita?"
"Do you like pizza, Slave Bear," Lotsa Heart boomed, jacking off wildly into a piece of pepperoni. "Because I like pizza!"As opposed to jacking off calmly into a piece of pepperoni pizza.
"Hey, Slave Bear, looksee," Love-a-Lot cried, as Cheer carefully and beamingly applied the last rainbow sticker to her neon pink strap-on. "Doesn't this look totally neat-o?"I hate when I eat too many rape cookies and dream that the Care Bears through me in the rape rack.
"Grumpy? Grumpy Bear?"
When he woke up, eyelids gummed nearly together, all he saw were a sea of anxious faces in front of him, and somebody waving a flower in front of his nose. He was tempted to pass off the last five hours as some kind of nightmare: too many cookies at 3 AM, in bed.
The swollen ache soon changed that idea. Far from being furious, though, he just felt curiously empty and weightless, and somehow familiar. For the first time since his ordeal, he felt something usual: the totally irritated, but nonetheless -"I care that I seem to be bleeding profusely from my rectum, but I do care."
"Hey, guys," he said weakly.
"How do you feel?" Swift Heart, anxious.
Grumpy Bear gave a beatific smile to the general world. "Know what?"
They all held their breath.
They erupted in a loud cheer.So what is the moral of this little story?
"This calls for a party!" said Birthday Bear. "With cake! And loud music, and icecream, and piz - okay, maybe not that stuff - and waffles and pudding and FUN! Right now! For all our friends! Don't you think so, Tender Heart? Hey, Tender Heart?"
Tender Heart woke up and found that he did not, in fact, care.
"Aw, well," said Grumpy, with a faint passing wistfulness that his role as Bitch of Care-a-Lot was well and truly over. Tender Heart's, on the other hand, had only begun. "To the rape rack!"
• You should always care, so your friends don't decide to gang-rape you.
• Sometimes, a monsterfuck is the only solution.
• Cheer Bear is the most fucked up cartoon character of the '80s
• If you get caught in a Care Bear stare, you can probably kiss your anal virginity away.
I don't know, my friends. But whatever the answer is, you'd best care. Care for your fucking life.