The 12 Ugliest/Stupidest/Crappiest New Pokémon

By Vinny Orsillo in Daily Lists, Video Games
Wednesday, March 2, 2011 at 8:06 am
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This is an exciting year for Pokèmon fans. Heck, it's an exciting week for Pokémon fans, too -- this Sunday is the day that Pokémon Black and Pokémon White will be released. These two new games mark the beginning of the fifth Pokémon generation, and will include 156 all-new Pokèmon to the mix, almost none of which look like evolutions of previous ones. This bring the total of Pokémon someone has to capture to "catch 'em all" up to 649!

That's not a typo. There are really 649 different Pokémon.

If you thought that it's amazing that the Japanese artists Nintendo keep chained to their cubicles can still come up with cool new Pokémon designs 15 years after the first games debuted... you are an incredibly positive person. Because they can't and aren't. No one could. If you look closely at the 156 new Pokémon of White and Black, you notice some lazy designs, some stupid designs, and some designs so ugly even the youngest Poké-addict might think before trying to fit it in a Pokéball. Here are 12 of the ugliest new Pokèmon from the White and Black games (please keep in mind that these names are subject to change, as Americans don't have their hands on the game yet).

12) Scrafty
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Pokèmon are supposed to emulate real world animals, but it's getting harder and harder to guess at what Nintendo was going for with each of these. For instance, maybe Scrafty here is supposed to be some sort of newt? Unlike the uncreative and obvious names of previous ones like Zubat and Seel, some creature names are far less telling. It seems that Scrafty is supposed to be good at fighting, but how it is supposed to pull off kicking or punching moves as it awkwardly tries to keep its pants on? And are the pants just loose, or are they... full?

11) Vanilluxe
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This isn't an animal. This is an ice cream cone. While the right side of this Pokèmon finds delight in the fact that it is spewing something out of its brain through its forehead chimney/straw face, the left looks as if it has a brain freeze, most likely from itself. Maybe when the Nintendo team ran out of ideas, they went out for ice cream and, in a moment of terrible epiphany, came up with this pathetic and ugly creature from hell frozen-over.

10) Reniclus
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Maybe some people don't think that this one is hideous... then again maybe they have an alien baby fetish. Since this is this Pokèmon's final evolution, there is no way that this is a tadpole, although that would have been a good guess. Instead, this creature is nothing but a fetus suspended in a really quite perturbing jelly-like substance. Besides being suspended in liquid like Walt Disney's head, this baby version of Perfect Dark's Elvis deserves a place in Pokèmon infamy.

9) Eelektross
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Eels don't have arms, and they certainly don't have gross and flagellum-like arms with claws on them such as this disgusting specimen. In fact, even the best scientist would look away in terror and give up his scientific pursuits should he come across this on the ocean floor. Unfortunately, Eelektross doesn't have fur; otherwise it would merit the beatings that come so undeservedly to baby seals.

8) Klinklang
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Again, Nintendo has abandoned animal roots for something that looks like it belongs inside a grandfather clock, or maybe even a car. How could something like this possibly attack anything? Much like a fish, this Pokèmon wouldn't be fun to play with. But unlike a fish, it doesn't even have the benefit of looking exceptional. It is a good thing that this thing doesn't actually exist, because if it did, creationists everywhere would finally have definitive proof of their anti-Darwinian claims. Although then one might question the cruelty of a god who could create such an abomination of nature.

7) Mushharna
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Mushharna has all the appeal of a sea cucumber. One would think that Nintendo's stock photo of this Pokèmon wouldn't show it defecating, but no such luck. Maybe, much like Snorlax, this thing spends its days eating and going to the bathroom. Its pink and purple cuteness is completely overshadowed by whatever the hell it's doing. Depending on whether or not the hole in the front is a blowhole or its mouth will make a lot of difference in determining how hideous it is.

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