There's a certain class of people one might call "professional celebrities". They have none of the traits one generally associates with being famous: They can't really act or sing or dance, they're not professional athletes, yet for some reason they capture the imaginations of the public.
Now, usually this title is reserved for useless, talentless, oversexed and over sexualized socialites and heiresses like Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian.
But sometimes, magic happens. And a young man named Laurence Tureaud is born in the worst housing project in Chicago, makes it to college on a football scholarship, is sidelined by a knee injury, becomes a bouncer and bodyguard to the stars, and eventually steps into the limelight as the immortal phenomenon known throughout the civilized universe as Mr. T.
Rather than becoming famous through the kind of wealth only a contract with Satan can provide, like most professional celebrities, Mr. T managed it through sheer force of personality and will. I mean, the man became a movie and TV star by playing himself -- repeatedly! And it worked! (Unfortunately, he was turned down for the role of Seth in Beastmaster, thus depriving the world of what would have been the most unbelievably awesome movie in the history of civilization.)
So today we celebrate the majesty of Monsieur Tureaud with this collection of miscellaneous awesomeness bearing his name, likeness, and/or endorsement.
8) Mr. T in Your Pocket
We all find ourselves occasionally fumbling for the right thing to say. Job interviews, first dates, Valedictorian speeches, eulogies, and suchlike often leave one at a loss for words. Well, you know who always knows just what to say? Mr. T. And now you can reap the benefits of the great man's loquaciousness no matter where you are with this handy little keychain doohickey. Six of Mr. T's most profound and thought-provoking quotations are included within this wondrous gadget in his own singular voice. WARNING: Not for use by "fools" or for "jibba-jabba".
7) Mr. T's Flavorwave Oven
Apparently George Foreman hasn't cornered the market on aging ass-kickers shilling custom cookware. Behold the "Mr. T Flavorwave Oven," which seems for all the world like what you get when a microwave makes sweet love to a crock pot. I can only guess here, but I like to think that this device is only capable of cooking wholesome meals that are good for the kids... and said meals must be accompanied by a glass of milk.
6) Mr. T Cereal
If there was one thing kids who grew up in the '80s knew it was this: You're not famous until you -- or the movie/TV series you're in -- gets its own cereal. If we knew a second thing, it was that said cereals would generally be bland, semi-edible, repurposed Cap'n Crunch. Mr. T's breakfast offering was no exception. It was rather disappointing as you'd think a man who loves kids so much would see to it that the cereal that bears his name might be something they'd actually want to eat. Eating instructions: Make pancakes, eggs, and bacon with elaborate Rube Goldberg machine, arrange in smiley-face, pour dry cereal on top, eat two bites with oversized fork, say "ahh", and dab mouth daintily with napkin.
5) Mr. T's Mohawk Grenade
In 2007, Mr. T was one of a number of celebrities who professed their love for World of Warcraft and were featured in TV spots where they talked about their characters, joining notables such as William Shatner, Verne Troyer, Ozzy Osbourne, and Jean-Claude Van Damme. T, however, took it a step further and invented his own mythical character class: The Night Elf Mohawk. In 2009, he introduced his Mohawk Grenade to the denizens of Azeroth. This harmless item has the effect of gracing the affected character or creature with Mr. T's signature visage temporarily. Sure, it wasn't an item you could physically purchase in stores, but as in-game merchandise, it defined "absoludicrous."
4) Mr. T's Rubber Duckie
I fully admit: I'm a 34-year-old man, and I loves me some rubber duckies. Make of that what you will, but even the scoffers among you can't ignore the magnificence of this. This gem is from a line called Celebriducks that includes the buoyant rubber likenesses of such notables as James Brown, The Blues Brothers, and Betty Boop. This sumbitch is going to the top of my Christmas list! (Mental note: Write out my Christmas list as TR Daily List.)
3) Chuck Norris Vs. Mr. T
For '80s nostalgia nerds like myself, Mr. T has become the "yang" to Chuck Norris'... well, "yang" (that's not a typo -- neither of them have a passive aspect). The debate rages on: Would T be downed by Chuck's unstoppable roundhouse kicks? Would Chuck be laid out by intensity of a Mr. T punch? Would the fight itself bring about the end of the universe as we know it? No one can say for sure, but Ian Spector, author of the bestselling The Truth About Chuck Norris and originator of the Chuck Facts meme addresses the conundrum as best he can with this book. Chuck facts are spliced with fanciful musings about Mr. T, as well as a few words of wisdom combining the two paragons of badassery. To wit: "Mr. T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. The result was the '80s."
2) Mr. T as Clubber Lang USB Drive Holy shit. Someone actually took the time to make a little plastic Mr. T as Clubber Lang that does crunches when plugged into a USB port (that's all it does, by the way, there's no storage on this thing). Regarding the location of the plug on this curious device... well, I'll let you folks come up with your own jokes. They also made Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed versions, for you Rocky III completists out there.
1) Mr. T Chia Pet
When life gets me down... when the sordidness, cruelty, and ignorance of humanity begins to weary me to the depths of my atrophied soul, there are a handful of thoughts I turn to for solace. And the fact that I live in a world where goddamn Mr. T Chia Pets exist is high on that list. Just look at it... drink it in. This HAPPENED! This EXISTS! I really can't say anything more. For some things in life, there are no words.
You know, I loved Rocky III, watched it 100 times. And I watched every episode of The A-Team. And I still never understood how or why Mr. T was an actor or celebrity. And I rejoiced when he went away. And I continue to rejoice to this very day.
In the topic pic for the article, it looks like Clubber Lang is birthing a giant USB plug. If the robot apocalypse is going to be waged by machines that are part Mr. T, all hope is truly lost....
I shall never sleep again.
I have become sick to death of the Chuck Norris meme(s) but Norris vs T is so epic it negates that.
scoot scoot? hey now keep the pet names in the bedroom.
what exactly is wrong with it being easier to have Mr T in our pocket? :)
Hello,You and I both ate the Mr. T cereal and it wasn't that bad,btw nice reference to Pee Wee's Big Adventure there.
Also just because Mr T. coined the term absoludicrous or whatever,doesn't mean it's an actual word.I'll sure as hell bet you won't find that word in the dictionary.
However,I will admit that I never thought in a million years that one line from Rocky 3("I pity the fool!")would be one the big catch phrases of the 1980's.
Of course some of that merchandise you listed came out way after Mr T's heyday!
*insert "I pity the fool" joke here*
when i saw this list my first thought was would mr. ts cereal make the cut.since almost every famous person back then had one. the rubber ducky and chi pet proves that there is nothing even mr. t is not willing to pass up putting his brand on even how crazy
Personally, I would've thought the most awesome Beastmaster adaptation would be one true to Norton's original work. Good luck finding one of those.
Clubber Lang hamster made me laugh so hard I cried.
I finally found the link to where you might procure your very own Clubber Lang situp USB ornament. For the low low price of $31.
http://jzool.com/product.php?productid=18864&cat=505&bestseller=Y
This is just the tip of the T iceberg fools! This is a pic of some of the stuff I have at home: http://mlkshk.com/p/4JEN more stuff here: http://mlkshk.com/mrt and here: http://mrtandme.com/
A finer list may never have been conceived, Scoot you magnificent bastard you.
Some notes of note:
My god, Mr. T's cereal is shaped like the letter T! It so simple yet it makes so much sense that my brain can't fully comprehend the sheer genius of it.
A microwave making sweet love to a crock pot sounds like prime Rule 34 material, but I'm not sure how it would work. Any ideas, Dr. Braxy?
Does the Rocky USB drive have an Adrian port to stick into?
The Mr. T Chia head makes me long for an Oscar Gamble Chia head: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GxhaR_GFmgM/TYKe8rmulSI/AAAAAAAAAmo/SoYBn7zO4wc/s1600/gamble1.jpg
The ENTIRE UNIVERSE needs this. You know it to be true.
...I want that chia pet. That is all.
Actually, they take care of that with fortification. It's not for your benefit; it's so your mom doesn't feel guilty about giving you what amounts to pure sugar and white flour for breakfast.
Anyway, really? They made a Mr. T toy that just consisted of him doing sit-ups? And there's nothing suggestive about being able to see down his shorts? LOL
I own the Mr T rubber duck - my fiancée got it for me for my 30th birthday. It's at once both the most awesome and the most terrifying thing that I own.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/thevoicewithin/4234239271/
You do know that I love you LOTS, right Scoot Scoot? XD
The Mr. T Cereal song reminded me of intro song of The Spiral Zone (cartoon from the 80's). Hahahaha. The singer sounds similar. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvHxhUyPiq4
How about Mr. T. soap on a rope, Light Brite set and car air freshener.
So happy at the use of "Absoludicrous." I bought that video off Ebay after reading Seanbaby's review of it, and it is one of the finest things I've ever purchased. It's pretty life-changing.
Scooter! oh you magnificent devil! my eyes and brain did not even realize what it they were seeing when they were seeing the top of your article. yes - you put a peen on Mr. T! a USB peen but a peen never the less!
Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T????
my god, Scooter, THIS is how universes are spawned...by the sheer awesomeness of it all...
Great! Now I know if I ever invite you over for dinner to whip you up a big bowl of sawdust, processed sugar, and styrofoam packing peanuts. ^_~
I would love to have a Mr. T Chia Pet! Congratulations on kick-starting my nerdy jealousy for the day. ;)
That's awesome! I bought a TomTom so that I could hear Darth Vader say "At the end of the road, take the highway. STAY IN FORMATION!" And then if you take a wrong turn, he says "I find your lack of faith disturbing."
God help me, I used to LOVE Mr.T Cereals! Damn man, it was good! And I pity the foo' who'll try to convince me otherwise! XD
Oh, I wish I'd known about the boxing puppet! :(
It truly is amazing how few clicks it takes to turn Mr. T into Little Richard.
Morning folks!
Enjoy the list...and for those of you who are confused: The term "Absoludicrous" was coined by Mr. T himself and popularized in his home video "Mr. T's Be Somebody (Or Be Somebody's Fool)".
I've only seen bits of this, but it's become something of a cult classic--largely due to Seanbaby's hilarious review from a few years back: http://www.seanbaby.com/absoludicrous/mrt.htm
Mr. T was an important part of my childhood, as I grew up just a few miles from his home in the affluent Chicago suburb of Lake Forest, IL. I've passed by his home on several occasions. It was very easy to pick out: I don't know if he still lives there, but back in the 80s, T caused a bit of a stir in Lake Forest. The town is basically, as the name suggests, a forest with a few roads through it and small lots cleared to accomodate the estates of a number of local celebrities and other wealthy individuals (several Chicago Bears and Bulls live there). The estates were nestled within the woods for privacy and surrounded by trees--all except Mr. T's home. Due to allergies he had EVERY single tree on his property removed, despite the fact that there was a city ordinance forbidding this!
So his house was always easy to find--we'd just look for the only mansion in Lake Forest with no trees around itXD
That's pretty much all he does.
I also own a Mr. T boxing puppet, the Mr. T board game (based on the cartoon) and a collapsing Mr. T figure. I need the duckie and the Chia pet, obviously.
I find it a sad commentary on life that the 'smart phone' industry has basically made products like Mr. T in my pocket obsolete. In the before times, we need break down and purchase a perfunctory item in order to indulge in the auditory colloquialism's of our beloved celebrities. It took, gall, hell, even nerve to walk around with Mr T. in you pocket. Now any jackanapes with an iphone can do the same. Shame on us society.... or should I say, We are the fools to be pitied.
You're forgetting OJ's the serial... umm cereal.
You're welcome
http://www.ironicsans.com/MrT.html
I used to have a massive poster sized puzzle of the man. My dad even helped glue it down to a rather large sized fiberboard and it hung on my walls for a few years. It was awesome.
The most hilarious Mr. T anything I've seen is the after school special. I watched it with a group of friends 5-6 years ago after someone saw it at the local library.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3007417704059163679
1st name Mister......middle name period........last name___________T
As a proud owner of a Mr. T Chia Pet (I bought 2.....one to use and one to keep pristine in box), I pity all you fools.
As a side note, I originally wanted to get 100 of them and place them in rows like those Chinese warrior statues.
My friend had one of those Mr T in your pocket things. It was awesome especially while drunk and talking to boring people.
"I must talk about the effect of SHUT UP FOOL!"
The fact that you included a "PeeWee's Big Adventure" reference makes this list far more awesome than it already is.
Is it weird that I would count myself blessed if I owned even half of this stuff?..
Mr. T is the main reason I bought a TomTom. Just hearing "Hey Fool -- at the end the road take a left," and "take the motorway...MR. T DON'T GET NO TICKET!" really makes driving enjoyable.
I had a Mr T in your pocket. "Quit your jibber jabber" was my personal favorite phrase. My coworkers, not so much.
Between Mr. T cereal in the 80's and Urkel-Os in the 90's it's a wonder I didn't grow up with severe nutrition deficiencies.
I'd like to see Mr. T sell Mr. T.
...And yet still no list concerning Mr. T's animated series. HOW LONG MUST WE WAIT??
Also, note to self: Buy Mr. T duckies & rent them out as aquatic armed force.
TotalComments: 60
Nerd news, humor and self-loathing.Edited by Rob Bricken
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