10 Songs for Supervillains

By Elizabeth Peterson in Daily Lists, Miscellaneous
Monday, October 3, 2011 at 8:09 am
Say you're a supervillain. You've had a hard days work of conquering, subjugating and committing general acts of bastardy. You sit upon your throne (won through an elaborate bloody campaign of shadowy doings), summon a henchman to bring you a drink (preferably in a chalice made from the skull of your archenemy), and take off your armored boots to relax (perhaps while petting a fluffy kitty). All you need now is the perfect music to listen to. But what's this? Too many songs are made for the good and heroic in mind, and one can only listen to "Night on Bald Mountain" so many times. Where is the music that caters to the super-villains, the dictators, the bloody murderers and insane schemers among us? Look no further than this list! There's a song here for every type of villain.

Two caveats: No Disney songs; they're too easy. The moment we mentioned "Villain songs" some of you began humming "Hellfire" from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, and yes, it's a great song, but it's been discussed time and time again. Also, we're only picking songs with lyrics, as opposed to instrumental themes like the "Imperial March." It's time to shine the spotlight on some of the other great songs that celebrate and feature bad guys.

10) "Skullcrusher Mountain" by Jonathan Coulton
This villain's love song comes to us from Jonathan Coulton's album Where Tradition Meets Tomorrow. Hey, villains need love, too -- ust because you're a mad scientist controlled by voices in your head doesn't mean you can't find that special someone. And when that special someone tries to make a break for it, time for a friendly reminder that there are wolves outside your secret lair. Hungry wolves. And if your love interest isn't delighted by gifts of monkey-pony hybrid monstrosities? A trip in a golden submarine should definitely win them over, especially because your Doomsday Squad has ensured that you'll be the last two people left on earth. Romantic! If at first you don't succeed, try, try until Stockholm Syndrome sets in.

9) "Villain Song" by Kirby Krackle
It's hard work being wicked. This song is for the villain who feels like giving up, firing the henchmen, and retiring to a quiet life of relaxing on the beach. Kirby Krackle, an amazingly enjoyable comic book-themed band, knows your plight, and is there to tell you that it's never too late to dust off that death ray and revive an old rivalry. Because guess what? While you're puttering around in post-villain retirement, the hero is still out there acting all smug. Are you really going to stand for that? Maybe it's time to come out of retirement and rekindle the fires of that old foe-mance.

8) "When You're Evil" by Voltaire
Voltaire, the goth option for Weird Al fans, writes songs that celebrate the darker side of life, from "Devil, Devil, Devil, Devil Evil, Evil, Evil, Evil Song" to "BRAINS!" This song from album "The Devil's Bris" serves as a reminder that sometimes a villain doesn't need a complex motive. Evil can be it's own reward! "I do it all because I'm evil and I do it all for free... your tears are all the pay I'll ever need!" Wrongdoing may not always be the most lucrative endeavor, but when you get discouraged, just think about all the lovely pain and suffering you're causing. Voltaire's latest album, Riding a Black Unicorn Down the Side of an Erupting Volcano While Drinking from a Chalice Filled with the Laughter of Small Children, looks fiendishly promising as well.

7) "Where There's a Whip, There's a Way" from Rankin/Bass's Return of the King
Villains are bosses. Bosses have to manage henchmen, and sometimes use brutish creatures to get things done. Heck, someone has to go out and butcher while you sit back, tent your fingers and plot. But how do you get lowly minions to behave? Corporal punishment, naturally. This song will remind the henchbeasts why they should fight the bad fight and follow your leadership. But fear of the whip is only the beginning. This song is also catchy enough that they'll be singing it in their off-hours, effectively brainwashing them to be slaves to your cruel and funky whims. It also lets enemies know that not only will your orcs fight for you, they will groove for you. As with most things villainous, this song has style. It's guaranteed to lighten up even the dreariest of death marches!

6) "Hank Scorpio Theme Song" from The Simpsons
Maybe whipping is a bit too barbaric for your tastes. Is your brand of villainy more refined? Do you want healthy, happy henchmen who would fling themselves off a cliff for you because you're such an awesome boss? Then a good role model for you is Hank Scorpio, executive villain extraordinaire. His villainy is so insidious that his employees mistake his methods for good. Featured in the episode "You Only Move Twice," Scorpio's song demonstrates the perks of working for a villain: free dental care, a stock plan that helps you invest, generous pensions plus three weeks paid vacation each year and on Fridays the lunchroom serves hot dogs and burgers and beer (he loves German beer). Success always looks like goodness to lowly folk accustomed to failure (hi there Homer!), and if you let a normal person see that evil is the surest path to success, you may just have another convert to your dastardly cause.
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