Well, I'm late on this but I just saw The Monster Squad for the first time last night and it's way better than the Goonies. One element you missed: the kid getting a big thumbs up from Van Helsing at the end was fan-freaking-tastic.
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But there are still those who insist on dismissing The Monster Squad in comparison to its Spielberg-produced predecessor. Well, I'm here to set the record straight: I contend The Monster Squad is not just better than The Goonies, but more fun, too. Before I go any further, let me state for the record that I love Goonies; however, given the choice, I'll watch The Monster Squad ever time. Here's why.
8) More Monsters
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7) Less Constant Yelling and Talking Over One Another
If you haven't watched The Goonies recently, allow me to suggest a potential substitute: walk to your local playground (note: do NOT wear a trenchcoat or drive a windowless van to said playground, unless you've been meaning to get registered as a sex offender) and spend five minutes listening to the kids gabber at one another. It's essentially the same experience as watching The Goonies, where the kids often seem unaware they're being filmed. In The Monster Squad, the kids just, y'know, say their lines. It's better.
6) Scary German Guy
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5) Stan Winston's Gillman
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4) A Cooler Fat Kid
Sure, we're all fond of Chunk and his Truffle Shuffle, but The Monster Squad's Fat Kid is a total badass, and gets one of the best scenes in the film. Near the end, the Gillman bursts from a manhole and advances upon the Fat Kid, who has tugged a shotgun from a dead cop. Fat Kid backs toward a shop, begging a pair of bullies who previously tormented him to let him inside; cowering in fear, they refuse. Left with no other choice, Fat Kid aims and pumps a round into the Gillman, who collapses. The bullies tentatively come out: "Hey Fat Kid...good job!" Fat Kid: "My name--" (cocks the shotgun) "--is HORACE." It's clear Fat Kid has had his moment of catharsis and won't be taking any shit from a bully ever again. Because otherwise he'll fire a shotgun in their fucking face.
3) Better One-Liners
The Goonies doesn't really have any one-liners. The most memorable line from the movie is "This is our time," and "Goonies never say die!" both of which would sound like they'd be better suited to an inspirational sports movie. But in The Monster Squad, awesome one-liners are dropped every few minutes. There's "Mummy came in my house" and "Creature ate my twinkie." There's the scene where Dracula blows up their treehouse: "Meeting adjourned." Or when Rudy stalks off with a crossbow to kill the vampire bitches: "Rudy, where are you going?" "I'm in the goddamned club, aren't I?" And of course, there's this famous exchange when Fat Kid's being attacked by the Wolf Man:
Sean: "Kick him in the nards!"
Fat Kid: "He doesn't have nards!"
Sean: "Do it! Do it!"
(Fat Kid kicks Wolf Man in the nuts and he goes down)
Fat Kid (amazed): "Wolf Man's got nards!"
2) More Violence, More Profanity, and Even a Little Sexual Suggestion
The Monster Squad may be the one of the hardest PG-13 films of all time. This is ostensibly a kid's movie that features the following:
• A werewolf being blown apart by dynamite and then the bloody chunks reforming into the monster
• A teenager casually smoking and making bullets in shop class (you'd never see this in a kids' movie today)
• A 6-year-old girl saying "Don't be chickenshit"
• A lengthy discussion of whether a teenage girl is a virgin
• A 12-year-old kid killing a monster with a shotgun
• A terrified cop getting blown up in his car
• Dracula calling a 6-year-old girl a "bitch"
You can argue whether all this is appropriate for a 13-year-old, and obviously more violence, strong language and adult situations doesn't mean "better." But watching these films as an adult, I prefer the edginess of The Monster Squad to the childish charm of The Goonies.
1) It's Actually a More Realistic Depiction of Childhood
Related to all the violence and language is the fact that the kids in The Monster Squad represented a less idealized but more realistic view of a 1980s suburban childhood. The kids in The Goonies seem like they come from a simpler time, i.e., the 1950s when Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner were growing up. They're little rascals who dream about pirate treasure ("the rich stuff") and, in the case of big brother Brand, winning his high school sweetheart from her preppy friends. The kids in The Monster Squad could have been my next-door neighbors. They swear a lot, peep on girls undressing, get in trouble at school, read Stephen King, watch slasher movies (which their parents don't object to)... and kick people in the nards. Admittedly, these people are monsters, but whatever. The kids are far more realistic than those goodie-goodie Goonies.
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144 comments
"Never go up here. It's where Mr. Walsh keeps his sexual torture devices." This one sequence invalidates points 1-3. And point 7 directly contradicts point 3. And a fat kid dominating bullies with a shotgun is less cool than a fat kid gaining the respect of his friends by training a mutant and turning into a pirate. And scary German guy has nothing on Anne Ramsey.
But other than that ...
I never went investigating the end of the world, seeking out buried treasure, or exploring tv patterns for the secrets to the universe, so I'm fairly nill on #1. #3 might be in the eye of the beholder but I must say, Somebody's been in here the cooler's broken. Uh-ooohhhhh!. I said there was gonna be trouble but ya didn't listen to me!--You guys are self-destructive! It's a stiff! I feel like I'm babysitting but not getting paid! Frozen dough! Cover the floor with chocolate, sounds like my grandad taking a leak, thrillsville! Hit puree. I pushed my sister Edie down the stairs and blamed it on the dog! What's that Spanish junk? 50-dollar-bill! It's wet ain't it, drink it! Kids suck. I don't know streets mom always drives me.(oh wait, wrong alien!)
Okay, Dracula calling a six-year-old a "bitch", "don't be a chickenshit", and references to a girl's virginity are what we call "Transamerica syndrome". For those who haven't seen Transamerica, it's about a transexual who, before the surgeon turns his outie into an innie, has to reconcile with his estranged son...a bisexual druggie prostitute (whose life dream is to get into porn) whose stepfather used to beat and molest him. He doesn't reveal their genetic tie until the boy falls in love with him, and tries to sleep with him. Yeah, the movie only exists to piss off the Midwest.
This doesn't mean I don't see censorship as a problem, but trying to seem "edgy" by adding more taboo shit is just as bad.
Still, it is a better movie. I did enjoy the part about the Holocaust survivor saying he knew a thing or two about the Holocaust. (I've always said Magneto was my favorite comic book villain because, well, you go through what he did and try to maintain your faith in humanity.)
Monster Squad was my generation's (circa 1980 DOB) classic monster movie. But The Goonies were superior IMO because I was able to actually go on little adventures to my neighborhood creek and marina and goof around like a Goonie. I'd also like to add that 'Stand By Me' is the greatest film of all time.
I saw them both as a child, and preferred The Goonies, because, as I would have put it then, "Goonies is sweet and Monster Squad is lame." I am an adult now, and can say with more accuracy, "The Goonies was a fantasy piece, and thus engaged my imagination, whereas Monster Squad was merely a slapstick, and thus barely engaged me at all."
Dracula's wonderfully delivered one liner "Give me the amulet, you bitch!" has been a constant among my friends and family for years.
I was about 19 when the Goonies came out and thought the movie sucked. Most of Speilberg's movies sucked at this time.
You could argue that the movie wasn't made for someone that age, but I loved Monster Squad when it came out.
Monster Squad is a great movie, Goonies isn't even a good one.
...no love for "Explorers?"
*ducks bricks and rotten vegetables*
Yeah, the book was better anyway.
I completely agree with this article. I MISS THE MONSTER SQUAD. Frankenstein was so sad in it, too.
Your quote about Fat Kid saying his name is Horace is wrong. If you actually stood behind your love of this movie you would have gotten that right.
Having only seen the goonies I knew I had a good film of a "classic" had been beaten. But seriously, the goonies was a piece of shit, out dated then, it really is a "classic", just like Charlie chaplin.
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1) I own The Goonies DVD and have watched it a couple of times.
2) I only saw The Monster Squad once...on VHS...before DVD's were invented.
3) I still quote The Monster Squad to this day.
I'll agree that monster squad had more and better one liners, but you missed the best one in the goonies.
HEY YOU GUYS!!!!!!!
worked at a warehouse where people were known to yell it loud enough to hear across the whole place.
Both movies are cool. Monster Squad has the better screenplay but Goonies has the better direction with the Donner and Spielberg Combo. I think that's the one thing that would have worked in the Monster Squad's favor is a stronger sense of direction, and the whole thing blows by kind of fast. Now that I know there's a chunk of film that could have possibly been adhesive to the movie missing, that probably would have helped.
This is one of the worst arguments I have ever read on this site. It's full of contradictions, nonsensical arguments and fallacies. Argument 7 says that if you go to a playground and listen to kids talk it's exactly like Goonies, it's like they're unaware they're being filmed and in Monster Squad they just deliver their lines, yet Argument 1 states that Monster Squad depicts a more realistic portrayal of childhood. As for the better one liners, despite the fact that my friends and I often quote Monster Squad, there may not be a more quoted movie amongst us than Goonies. Monster Squad may have more canned one liners, but since Goonies finds itself more quotable, that's like saying a stand up comedian with catchphrases is better than one than one that's just funny. There is also no way that Horace is a cooler fat kid than Chunk. Chunk's confession scene in Goonies is one of the funniest moments in 80's comedy, and his character arc is much better than Horace's as well as having the emotional connection with Sloth at the end. In terms of more swearing, Goonies has a fair amount of swearing and I'm not swearing a lot makes for a more accurate representation of childhood. In terms of big brother Brand wanting to woo the cheerleader from her preppy boyfriend, why is this less accurate than taking photos of a girl while she's changing? I know this is a nerd site, but why is being a maladjusted sexual assaulter a more accurate portrayal of childhood than someone having an interest in someone outside of his social circle in high school?
I'm scrolling down to see if anyone else might have listed the John Holmes-length list of quotables from The Goonies, but I noticed you're the only one who's called Rob the inconsistency. Yes, anytime my buddies and I watch movies, a suspense film - "Somebody's been here the cooler's broken!" Or a disaster movie - Sloth's "Uh-oohhhhh!!" There are great lines in Monster Squad but Goonies DOES have a lot more quotes for everyday use. I shall list them, not here, obviously, but else where.
Did you start sweating while typing all of that out? What a waste of fat time when you could have been eating.
Brilliant logic, chief. My friends find Goonies more quotable, therefore it must have better one-liners. And you talk about fallacies?
Dear God, watched this move SO much as a kid, loved it as much today. Plus, one of the coolest Draculas ever on screen, just a cold death machine like when he stalks through the town, batting cops aside, snapping one's neck, eyes never leaving his target. Awesome bit.
Agreed...I grew up on Monster Squad and bought it as soon as it came out on DVD...Goonies on the other hand I never really took too...
'Monster Squad' is great, but my favorite monster get-together is Rankin Bass' 'Mad Monster Party'.
I love Monster Squad, and I still have it on VHS. Director Fred Dekker did an outstanding job bringing those classic Universal monsters back to the screen, and I'd even say the production value was far superior to his previous adult horror, "Night of the Creeps".
I loved Goonies has a child and still love it now. The Monster Squad though the Monsters themselves are still awesome but the kids parts particularly the lead are painfully bad
Time to bring my ceaseless nerd-rage to bear upon the author of this list!
Nah, kidding. Different strokes for different folks. I love the shit out of both movies, myself, but I can watch Goonies with my little kids. Monster Squad, they're not quite ready for.
Goonies sucks cocks. I've not seen Monster Squad so I can't comment on its quality but it would almost have to be better than Goonies by default.
