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He-Man: Sword Crafter: Craft swords that you can never fight with. Level up by building swords from a dizzying array of components (steel, iron, etc), which then gives you access to better swords. A simulator will take your sword out for a test run, but all you get back is a spreadsheet full of unlabeled numbers. Supposedly a spreadsheet interpreter will be out as DLC a year later. DLC #2 will give you other characters for which you can craft swords.
This is late, and might have already been added, but:Twilight:The VideogameYou are Bella. Walk around the tiny town of Forks, biting your lip and stumbling over your own feet. Choose a vampire or a werewolf. The end.
The Sims: South American Prison
Dysentery, sexual larceny, smuggling drugs in your ass, smuggling other things in your ass, trading favors and items for comforts...can you build a comfortable prison cell?
Con: The Game (a MMORPG)
You create your character choosing from various geek stereotypes and explore the open world of a comic convention. Will you cosplay as a sexy storm trooper? Will you stand in line for hours (real time) to get a signature? How about visiting your choice of lecture from Michael Bay, George Lucas, Rob Liefeld or any other titan of geekdom. Or will you pick the LARP? It's all up to you in this open world, stunningly detailed recreation of all your favorite conventions.
KARE BEAR KOMBAT!Koming soon to a retail outlet near you! Players assume the role of a Kare Bear Kombatant in this mixture of realistic fighting and anthropomorphic bears. Game features include... The Karing Meter: once filled, the player can unleash a devastating special attack.(But don’t let the meter drop to the raincloud side!) Access to special moves such as the Kare Bare Stare! The Tummy Beam of Pain! or The Heart Ripper! Battle it out in deadly arenas like the abandoned Kare-a-Lot, or the Rigor Mortis Rainbow! With special guest appearances by Holly Hobbie, Strawberry Shortcake, and The Get Along Gang, this over the top violent fight game is sure to satiate the blood lust in even the most jaded gamer! ............And if that doesn’t ruin anyone’s childhood, I got a Bumblebee Transformer pissing sim to pitch you next. You take command of Bumblebee as he urinates on Sector 7 agents, dogs, fire hydrants, and writes his name in the snow... weeeeeeee!
As you progress though the levels by successfully pissing on various objects, you are treated to words of encouragement by Michal Bay himself, as he congratulates you on helping to ruin another fond memory of your poor inner child.
The Weather Man - The Video Game. A side scroller where you play as Nicholas Cage jumping over cars in NY and being chased by Michael Caine.
Super Street Fighters : Dead Celebrity Special Edition16 SF characters versus 16 dead celebrities including :Steve JobsAbraham Lincoln Mickael JacksonWinston ChurchillAnn FranckHeath Ledger (the gay cowboy, not the joker)etc
How would that be bad? That would be AWESOME!
...and it's highly likely someone did it already on MUGEN.
Imagine, Lady Gaga dies.The day after, a DLC is released, 2.99€"a new character is available ! "
Lord of the Rings: Equal Opportunities edition.
In the spirit of the original work, engage in this exciting role-playing game dedicated to the women of Middle-Earth and their deeds during the War of the Ring. Saw Gondor's standard for Aragorn to set as a sail on the Corsair ships playing as Arwen; as Galadriel, attend to the flowers of Lothlorien."Éowyn's Adventure" not included, it will be downloadable content at twice the price of the actual game.
The Matrix Not-Quite-Loaded
The ultimate Matrix game will feature a perfect virtual experience. Explore a world vaster than Skyrim, with more freedom than Grand Theft Auto. Fight for mankind's freedom or help the machines repressing humans; use your awesome programming powers and code-fu to kick, punch, wield guns and swords and in general bring about death and destruction to your foes (or simply to anyone). Live an immersive gaming experience in a perfectly realistic, complex, interacting, destructible, random-generated, self-sustaining world, simulated down to its elementary particles.Unfortunately, current computing power can't support the rendering of such awesomeness, so until we discover quantum computers you will have to settle for machine code representation in all of its green-glowing, ASCII-falling glory. Hey, don't worry: once you get used to it, you don't even see the code anymore.Lag could still be experienced.
Superbowl - The Interactive Fiction Action Adventure of one team's long road to the Superbowl, one word at a time
Wheel of Time the RPG? No! The Wheel of Time Virtual Paper Doll Game!
Choose from hundreds, nay, thousands of hem, shawl, divided skirt, fringe, embroidery, brocade, petticoat, and lace colors. The women's necklines can be anywhere from moderately plunging to incredibly plunging. (Note: Sedai paper dolls will always wear the colors of their Ajah, no matter what!)
Coming next spring: The Ebou Dar expansion pack! Design your own marriage knife!
Tomb Raider: RouletteEach time you turn on your console, the game boots up in the same story line, but using a random game engine for each level completed.
The Walking Dead Hide and Seek. You play as Lori and play through level after level or searching where Karl ran off too. You don't get to shoot zombies or doing anything fun. Also there is a button to make Lori cry on command.
Bayformers on Kinect. Just the thought of it hurts the part of my body where my childhood is stored.
A cowboy bebop game, from the perspective of the three old men, basically a poker sim with but without much money, without much thought and the game always gets cut short by a shootout that you don't get to witness because your character hides under the table.
The Sopranos: The Full Series Experience. Hours and hours of exciting gameplay with absolutely zero payoff at the end.
Twillightwith the gameplay of Castlevania II: Simon’s curse. (cuz they deserve each other)
You wouldplay as Edward Cullen (instead of Simon Belmont) he would be pale during nightsequences and sparkle during the day portions of the game. Every 5 minutes thegame would stop and a text box would spell out. "The night has ended. Whata wonderful day to sparkle. When the game shifts to night mode 5 minutes laterthe text would be "The day is done, now it's time to Goth." Therewould be towns that during daylight have stores and villagers. Edward couldspend money on pedicure/manicures, moisturizers, etc... During the night thetown would be closed except for stock zombies running around.
Also, thewerewolves at night would turn into shirtless dudes for the daylight game-play.Instead of looking for parts of Dracula in mansion levels, it would besearching area high schools for Bella Swan. In the last high school final levelboss-fight you would have to defeat the tracker James to save Bella Swan.
Where in the World is The Situation. This game is based on the successful Carmen Santiago games. In this version, the Jersey Shore cast has been scattered across the globe. It's up to you to find them all and return to New Jersey, USA, to party. All questions and answers come from the Jersey Shore TV show.
‘Boys For Pele’ as a 16 bit 2-d fighter from Capcom. You play singer songwriter Tori Amos on a quest to avenge herself against all the unflattering male stereotypes that wronged her. Special moves include fits of screaming, crying, and lengthy readings of uncomfortably personal poetry.
Mass Effect 3: Game Editor. In this game, you must make a storyline that will satisfy all ME fandom.
Wasn't it also a gag on a "Simpsons" episode? The arcade game was played by Martin Prince. ("Tell me more.")
Sex With Joe Quesada---The Video Game!!! You try repeatedly to escape being forcibly cornholed by the portly Marvel Chief Creative Officer, but you have no attack or defense buttons to fend off his assaults, and you can't run very fast. By the final screen after he's finished his wicked way with you, Joe dumps you because he doesn't think that marriage potentially makes for good drama, and makes you forget the entire encounter ever happened with the help of his BFF, Mephisto. Game over.
A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game where our heroes were not mutants transformed by toxic waste in the sewers of Manhattan, but members of a mysterious alien race. And things explode for no damn reason at all, and...oh wait...Michael Bay is ACTUALLY WORKING ON PRODUCING THIS AS WE SPEAK. Fuck.
Mortal Kombat Annihilation The Movie Game. The controls suck, Scorpion Isn't in it and there is no point to the game. And instead of the announcer saying the names or flawless victory or fatalitie it's just the actress who played Melina saying "TOO BAD YOU......................WILL DIE!"
A Pre-Prequels Star Wars Action RPG where you play as slave Anakin. With no pod races and the game ends when you meet Qui-Gon.
Press A to say Yipee, Press B to call things "Wizard"
The Walking Dead: Farmville. The loading screens show all kinds of sweet zombie battles and creative ways to kill zombies, then when the game actually loads, its nothing more then planting crops to feed the survivors at Herschel's farm.
the first ALIEN movie, adapted as a Metroid or Super Metroid style platform/adventure game. 2d side-scroller, with a massive expansive nostromo environment....but the only enemy is ONE alien, who could be anywhere on a ship the size of an entire video game environment. so you just spend the game trying to find the alien and kill him, but it could take hours and hours of just walking around in an empty ship.
Spiderman Singstar; Turn Off The Dance Dance Revolution.Take part in Spidermans most epic adventure ever as you dance and sing your way past some of the most colourful and dastardly villains to ever set foot in New York, all accompanied by half hearted ballads created by an out of touch rock star. Includes Kinect minigames such as 'Dodge the Buildings' and 'Sneak Out of the House'. Yes SS;TOTDDR is fun for the whole family!
Watchmen: Happy Fun Time Arcade: target practice with the Comedian, all silhouettes are JFK busts or pregnant ladies. Problem solving with Ozymandias, you can optimally place genetically engineered brains to maximize casualties when they die.Maze game with the Owl, go through the maze to find Silk Spectre, just look out behind the wrong door is Dr. Manhattan and his glowing blue wang. Painting with Rorschach, make end of the world signs with a variety of fonts, your reward is a bar of soap so that he can wash up. Bonus play, three card monty with Moloch.
Atlas Shrugged: the Game about the Movie about the Novel - The GameYou are helping to build a new rail line. To do this, you are going to sit in restaurants and have conversations comprising several hours of cut-scenes (which you can't skip, and which you have to advance manually, because FREE MARKETS) of explanatory dialogue. Then you will explain via cut-scenes how a railway works. HUGE DRAMA will be in the form of government agents, who will explain - using monologues written by L. Ron Hubbard - why they hate successful entrepreneurs, and how that can't be allowed. You will win the game when you have successfully constructed a perfect society, consisting entirely of rich white people, and you all GO GALT together. But not, like, "together" together, because SOCIALISM. So, like, "in the same place" together. Actually, you know what? I never read any of Rand's pulp, and certainly didn't watch the movie, so I really can't imagine just how bad it could be. I just suspect most of it will consist of an over-caffeinated angry guy yelling at you about macroeconomics and personal liberty.
Entry #2:You are role-playing in the Star-Trek universe, using an interactive video. Except there's no space battles, no phaser fights, no amazing planets to visit, no exotic aliens or vast universe to explore. Instead, it's all based on a VHS of a Klingon you've never heard of yelling at you to be quiet.Wait.
Dammit.
On The Origin of Species. (or Darwin's Sim Species)You must intelligently design a species that can survive, unchanged, 6000 years of social and ecological challenges. Winning species need to bury the bodies of the loser species in order to create oil, while hoping the bones are never found, so as not to give clues to future generations (or other players) as to the origin of the species.
What is "a comics"?
Anyway, here's mine:
Power Rangers: The RPG. Follow the Power Rangers as they try to work through a quest with a plot.
Why it's horrible? Plot (along with characterization, decent acting, and, well, everything that someone over 5 cares about) is anathema to Power Rangers.
The Walking Dead: The Video Game
From the creators of Deliverance: White Water Rafting Adventures and Silence of the Lambs: Tuck and Roll, comes the latest word in survival horror—The Walking Dead: The Video Game!
CREATE your Leader Player Character and their party of survivors with their own Dynamic Dysfunctional Personality Traits™ (Examples: "Survivor Guilt," "Ridiculously Unconfident Leadership," "Smug and Off-Putting Moral Superiority," and "I Like Your Wife...I Think I'll Keep Her!" and Super Useful Skills™ (Examples: "Oblivious to Stinking, Groaning Zombie That Are Less Than 10 Feet Away," "Fix RV," "Fix RV Again," "Fix RV Yet Again," and "Diplomacy")
MEET interesting, nuanced NPCs that will either try to kill you, take your stuff, or join your group and then try to kill you and take your stuff!
THRILL to the motion-captured Conflict Resolution Dialogue™ game play sequences that never resolves any conflict and leads to intra-party strife and more Conflict Resolution Dialogue™ sequences!
FIGHT SEE gruesome and vicious zombies stumble around the background and only attack when a character has become uninteresting and has stupidly wandered away from the group!*
*(Publisher's Note: Due to time constraints and to reflect the nature of the television program, the combat portions of the game have not been fully implemented, meaning that you are incapable of killing any zombies, NPCs, or party members that actually pose a threat to you or your group. However, background zombie or those with a high Ineffectual Combatant rating are fair game!)
Available Fourth Quarter, 2012
TRON: The text adventure. The most visually iconic movie is back on video game consoles running on the most power graphic chip ever, the IMAGINATION! Relive Flynn's amazing adventures from light cycles to the climatic battle against the MCP with detailed describtions written by Twilight's Stephanie Meyer. The perfect gift for the nerd in your life!
Hackers: The Dating Sim
Play as Angelina Jolie and try to bed as many guys as you can. Will you end up with Crash Override in an olympic sized swimming pool? Or listen to mix-tapes with Cereal Killer? Maybe you can finally help Joey pick a handle! Skateboarding with Mr. The Plague or rocking out with Razor and Blade? Will you whore your way through the whole cast or focus on making Lord Nikon your boyfriend? The choice is yours.
The whole time you have to work at getting a laptop with a "killer refresh rate" and a sweet 28.8kbps modem!
The Showgirls videogame for Kinnect: Awkwardly dance, gyrate and strip to a collection of 80's rock hits. Tackle songs one at a time or play through story mode that tells the rise and fall of the vegas showgirl! Play with friends to recreate all the lesbiotic thrills and spasdic lap dances from the...classic?...exciting?....existing movie.
Avengers: AssembleYou play as Nick Fury and the task is to assemble the Avengers. When meeting the characters you would need to choose the correct set of phrases to convince each hero to join the team. Once you have assembled the Avengers: Game Won. You don't actually play as the Avengers, you just assemble them.
My video game adaptation: The Brothers Karamazov. Explore Dostoyevsky's classic about the minutiae of the lives of three brothers, Dmitri, Ivan, and Alexai whilst trying to figure out who killed their asshole father, Fyodor.
Coming this summer: Faces of Death, the Game. Test yourtargeting skills on the villagers of Vietnam, try to outmaneuver falling bodies,club as many seals as possible to beat you’re high score and drive a tractorafter the zaniest cyclist ever.
And
You’ve see the hit viral video. You’ve chatted about on the messageboards. Now, bring the internet sensation home in the hot new game: 2 Girls 1 Cup. Compete to see who can chug fastest,try your aiming abilities in the vomit round and try to catch the falling fecesbefore they hit the ground. Now includes expansion pack with bonus level: InnerShower: How much of the stain on your soul can you scrub off?
Don't forget the "Monkey skull whack-a-mole" mini-game: Your reward? Delicious monkey brains!
Nerd news, humor and self-loathing. Edited by Luke Y. Thompson
