Those words began nearly every episode of G.I. Joe: Renegades, The Hub's attempt to breathe some new life into the familiar G.I. Joe formula. Reinventing a popular franchise is a thankless task. If you stray too far from core concepts with hopes of bringing in a new audience, you risk alienating the longtime fans. But if you rely too much on what has gone before, you probably won't have any new eyeballs checking out your efforts either. Yet despite overwhelming odds, Renegades managed to walk this tightrope of awkwardness successfully. Even though the series borrowed story elements from sources as disparate as The A-Team and Lost, it still managed to become an inspired variation of the G.I. Joe saga that is just as entertaining -- if not even more so -- than the 1980s toon or even Warren Ellis' beloved G.I. Joe: Resolute.
Over the course of 26 episodes, Scarlett, Duke, Tunnel Rat, Roadblock and Snake Eyes attempted to expose Cobra for the terrorist organization that is was while staying a step ahead of a misguided Flint. Each episode had our heroes encountering familiar faces from G.I. Joe's past, although this time around most of these characters had noticeably different backgrounds from what had gone before. Although it was underappreciated during its original run last year, the series has gathered a fanbase that truly appreciates the fact that it strived to do much more than just rehash the work of its predecessors. Yet because the world is an unjust place, G.I. Joe: Renegades is no longer in production. But at least you can still look back upon it with today's list of the 14 best episodes of the series. For fans already familiar with the show, this will be a walk down memory lane with some old friends. For everyone else, hopefully this will serve as a catalyst to get you to check out a truly fun series that you may have missed. Okay folks, it's Joe time.
14 & 13) The Descent, Parts 1 & 2
The early promos for G.I. Joe: Renegades described the show as "the birth of a new American hero." That sounds exactly right. The groundwork for the entire series is laid out in the opening episodes. In my intro above, I mentioned how the program is essentially a riff on The A-Team's formula, albeit it one with a hell of a lot more ninjas and snake-based terrorist organizations. In 45 tightly paced minutes, these two debut installments introduce each character's personality (Scarlett is driven and a bit damaged, Duke is a stick in the mud, Tunnel Rat is a wiseass, Ripcord is a slightly less funny wiseass, Roadblock is just pure awesome and Snake Eyes is faithful and fearless) and illustrate that that Cobra Industries is up to some fairly shady shenanigans. So when our heroes' investigation of one of Cobra Pharmaceuticals' manufacturing plants results in an explosion and the apparent death of Ripcord, they are forced to go on the run until they can produce enough evidence to prove their innocence. That's a lot of plot to get out of the way before the series can properly get started, and these two installments do so skillfully. This is primarily due to the smart writing of Henry Gilroy and Marty Isenberg, who make the expository sequences (which tend to be the most cumbersome portions of any pilot episode) feel natural. Better still, the writers throw out fan-pleasing references to previous incarnations of G.I. Joe, starting a tradition that would run the course of the series. Some fans dismissed Renegades because it played fast and loose with established G.I. Joe lore. If you count yourself amongst their numbers, check out "The Descent" again and maybe you'll appreciate it for what it is: a fun re-envisioning of the Joe saga for the 21st century. As for those of you who still think changing things up is blasphemy, might I remind you of a certain plot device known as Cobra-La?
12) The Enemy of My Enemy
Poor James McCullen. All he wanted to do was to sell some weapons and get it on with the Baroness. Unfortunately, in this episode he made the mistake of playing the Joes off of Cobra as a revenge tactic after he was forced to collaborate with Dr. Mindbender. Subsequently, he was punished by Cobra Commander, who encased him in an uncomfortable yet oddly stylish metal mask (after he fed him to his pet snake, adorably named Serpentor). McMullen must now refer to himself as "Destro" a word which his clan reserves strictly for those who have disgraced their entire family. The upside to of all of this is that the mask doesn't crimp his libido one iota, because for the rest of the series he is still trying to make whoopee with the Baroness. Which just proves to further reinforce the widely held beliefs that haggis is a natural aphrodisiac. Also, metal headgear? Totally a pussy magnet. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.
11 & 10) Homecoming, Parts 1 & 2
Embracing the cliché that there's no place like home for the holidays, this two-parter finds Duke returning to Missouri to protect his family from a Cobra threat while his cohorts crash the evil organization's Christmas party. We never get to hear Roadblock belt out "Last Christmas," but at least we find out about what the deal with Duke and Flint's rivalry is. Long story short, they're frenemies (which is the douchiest word I have ever typed). We also learn that Duke's baby brother Vincent -- who'll grow up to be Lt. Falcon -- is a total narc who'll rat out his own sibling at the drop of a hat. Damn kids. The Yuletide aspects take a back seat to all the betrayal and personal revelations on display here, so in an effort to not be a Scrooge let me leave you with a parting trivia gift: Duke's parents Max and Connie are voiced by Michael Bell and B.J. Ward...the same folks who performed the roles of Duke and Scarlett in the 1980s cartoon. Your nerdgasms may now commence.
An indirect sequel to the episode "Dreadnoks Rising," this episode has Flint and Lady Jaye enlisting the help of Zartan to catch the Joes. This turns out to be a very bad idea indeed because at the same time, Cobra has gotten possession of a camouflage suit that uses cutting edge technology to alter the appearance of whoever tries on the billion dollar duds. So before you can say "chocolate in my peanut butter," a twist of fate results in the suit bonding with Zartan's skin... and the birth of one of the Joes' most iconic villains. What's so winning about this episode -- other than the endless gags about how much Tunnel Rat apparently stinks and some funny business about how Roadblock's constant chatter causes his pals to tune him out -- is that it attempts to give Zartan's shapeshifting abilities some basis in reality (well, as real as a show about a reptile-obsessed outfit with unlimited funds and resources can be anyway). Like Tomax and Xamot, Zartan was always an especially goofy figure in Cobra's rogue gallery of villains. To try to humanize him through this episode and in his previous appearance is another example of the series' commitment to attempting to place the action in as believable of an environment as possible. As for the aforementioned psychic twins, we'll see how Renegades dealt with them later in this list.