The 20 Most Ridiculous G.I. Joe File Cards

By Patrick Cooper in Daily Lists, Toys
Friday, April 6, 2012 at 8:09 am
10) Backblast
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Guided by vengeance, anti-aircraft gunner Backblast signed up for Joes so he could shoot airplanes out of the sky. His childhood home was located next to an airport so the planes would keep him up at night. I suppose Joe should be congratulated for putting sociopaths to good use, but all I can think about is if Backblast happened to live next to a doggy day care or a preschool instead.

9) Footloose
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Footloose was an academic champ when all of a sudden he dropped out and became "quite weird" for three years. I can only assume this means three straight visits to Burning Man. Then a cosmic messenger told him to join the Army. The narrative thread of Footloose's life makes perfect sense.

8) Copperhead
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Floridian swamp vehicle operator Copperhead joined Cobra to pay off his bookie. That seems reasonable. But the best part of his card is the quote from Gung-Ho at the bottom, which is filled with sexual subtext. "Raise cain til the cock crows"? "Mouth full o' much obliged"?  - the part about having a "heart fulla gimme and a mouth full o' much obliged." The chances of this being an actual military assessment instead of the recriminations of a bitter ex-lover seem slim.

7) Clutch
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"He greases his hair with motor oil, rarely shaves, and chews on the same toothpick for months. Clutch still calls women 'chicks.'" Clutch actually sounds pretty awesome.

6) Major Bludd
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International fugitive Sebastian Bludd may not be such a bad guy. As the clipping from the "Attica Gazette" displays, he's really a poet at heart. Like all legendary laureates, Bludd's poetry is a commentary on the reality he sees everyday as a member of Cobra (i.e., mowing people down with an uzi).

5) Dee-Jay
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Imagine being stuffed in the trenches for days, Cobra has you surrounded, your ammo is drastically low, and then a bombastic disc jockey from Boston comes over your radio. He assures you that reinforcements are on their way and that the Yankees suck. That would boost the morale of even the most pessimistic Joe, for sure.

4) Dogfight
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Dogfight's military application must have been something. Under "Reason for Joining the Military" he wrote about how he won all the stuffed bears at every county fair and carnival in Alabama, so his next obvious step was a career in the armed forces as a "Mudfighter Pilot." Let's be real though, those carnie games are hard as hell. Dogfight should have cashed in all his teddy bears and entered the military with a Sergeant Major rank.

3) Crazylegs
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A gifted organist ostracized from the classical music community because of his sausage fingers, Crazylegs followed the path of many washed-up classical musicians and joined the military. According to his card, he hums Bach tunes to amp himself up for a jump. It's safe to bet he gets pushed out of planes by Joes more than he jumps.

2) Barbeque
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Barbeque has no sense of duty, he just gets off on riding on the back of a fire engine and, "the frosting on the cake," breaking windows with his axe. He probably listens to his favorite Boston DJ, Deejay, while doing so. More importantly, Barbecue is a "basic party animal" who can "wrap his lips completely around the bottom of a quart of Coke." Is this more disturbing if Barbecue wanted this skill to be mentioned in his military dossier, or if Joe command thought it was important enough to note?

1) Hit & Run
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Whoooa, hold up. According to his file card, his parents were killed by a drunk driver when he was three... so the Joes yank him from the orphanage and nickname him "Hit & Run." That's unashamedly insensitive on so many levels. That's like naming a Joe "Alcoholic Stepdad" or "Colon Cancer."


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