With the release of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Peter Jackson has given the world 174 minutes of imaginative visions never before realized on a movie screen, save for those in Jackson's previous 12 hours of Middle Earth adventures. It's not bad; it's just stubbornly pokey and almost never grand. 
Seriously, almost an hour passes before he exits that door.
As Voice film critic Scott Foundas puts it, during the long first third you "can feel the hair on your feet growing longer." Or as Frodo might moan, it feels like too little butter spread over too much bread.
That said, there's no denying that the last hour captures some of the spirit of The Lord of the Rings films, and there is at least one thing new here: Never before in a movie have I seen the cast offered a video-game style side quest. (Gandalf doesn't yet take up Radagast the Brown's mission to defeat a necromancer, but maybe he will in movie three, once he's done some leveling up.)
But during the long, hard sit of the film's first hour, I couldn't help but wonder: Did all of this dwarves-at-dinner business really take so long in the book? And by the end, when Bilbo, Gandalf, and the rest are -- like Sam and Frodo in two out of three of Jackson's Middle Earth films-- left gazing off at the distant peak they've been journeying towards, I felt sure of it. I could have read all this in the time it takes Jackson to show it.
So, I tried it, returning to a book I hadn't looked at since third grade. The ground rules: I would read for comprehension/enjoyment, not for speed. No skimming of elf songs, no matter how cutesy. And just to be fair, I wouldn't count the movie's 16 minute end-credits against its running time. So, the time to beat, by The Hollywood Reporter's reckoning: 158 minutes.
Here's what I noted along the way:
-- Chapter one's description of hobbits' "deep, fruity laughs" is the best explanation I've seen for the tickle party that wrapped up The Return of the King.
-- Tolkien tells us what to make of one of the two dwarven musical numbers that Jackson includes in the film: "Pretty fair nonsense I daresay you think it." I daresay I think no such thing, sir!
-- The first chapter took me just over half an hour. The movie, to its credit, starts the first chapter in about half that time.
-- The fairy-tale feel of the troll encounter makes much more sense on the page rather than in a film whose heroes are routinely decapitating monsters.
-- One place where Jackson beats Tolkien: In the book, the company crashes at Elrond's Rivendell B&B for fourteen full days.
-- One place where Tolkien beats Jackson: The author admits that "there is little to tell about their stay" with the elves and instead just gets on with things.
-- Place where Tolkien and Jackson's younger self seem to be in total agreement: "Things that are uncomfortable, palpitating, and even gruesome may make a good tale."
-- Tolkien writes of Elrond, "His part in Bilbo's tale is a small one, though important, as you will see, if we ever get to the end of it." We will, in 2014!
-- Eventually, the adventurers are ambushed in a cave. Tolkien writes, "Out jumped the goblins before you could say 'rocks and blocks.'" Then the goblins capture the heroes, Tolkien tells us, before you could say "tinder and flint." I can attest that in the movie it takes a little longer than that. There is time to recite some Tennyson, if you prefer to feel some magnificence.
-- Tolkien accuses goblins of having gone on to invent the machine gun and the A-bomb.
-- When Gandalf magics some goblins, Tolkien writes "The yells and yammering, croaking, jibbering and jabbering; howls, growls and curses; shrieking and skriking, that followed were beyond description." In Jackson, the goblin sounds are pretty great, and there's even a Wilhelm scream, which I bet Tolkien had in the appendices somewhere.
Not long after that, there's that business with the wolves and the eagles, who in the book actually explain something most film viewers will be wondering: Why in the hell don't they just fly the heroes the rest of the way? By the time I reached the end of chapter six, where the film stops, just under two and a half hours had passed -- I still had 20+ minutes to spare.
I spent that time pondering what it would have been like if earlier movies had so stingily dealt out their adventure stories: If Star Wars ended with Obi-Wan Kenobi saying, "That's no moon -- it's a space station."
If Raiders of the Lost Ark closed will Salah shouting, "Indy! I can see the map room!"
Or if Gremlins ended at 11:59 p.m ...
You could do worse than following Alan Scherstuhl [@studiesincrap] on the Twitter thing.
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146 comments
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Doctor Who series 5 and 6 are on sale at Amazon for around $24 http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/B005M2A4DE/
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Oh for all my Jewish friends, Happy (second day) of Hanukkah.
http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/starwars-han-in-hanukkah.jpg
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@Someguy that picture needs a song
something Gilbert and Sullivan-esque
I wonder if their zombies are available?
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Well one last post before i close up shop for the night. This is officially the start of the end of days...
http://www.uproxx.com/gammasquad/2012/12/jumanji-is-getting-a-remake-because-everything-from-the-90s-was-great-right/
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@Canadian.Scott I wasn't going to mention this but there is a catfish apocalypse erupting as we speak. Enraged catfish surging out of the water to drag hapless victims to their watery graves!
Right now it’s just pigeons (who should be poisoned in the park and not eaten) but can small dogs be far behind and then slightly larger dogs and then small children and eventually everything that walks upon the Earth?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1y7ASI3ZkQ
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@Gallen_Dugall Only pigeons?
Look up the Kali River goonch attacks, or Google man-eating catfish for other situations. Catfish have already been credited with the deaths of humans.
In the case of the Goonch, I recall it being mentioned that river burials had effectively been accidentally training the fish to eat human flesh.
@Baines that's nothing - the enviro-wackos have been stealing cadavers to feed to the wild pigs here abouts - you get a few dozen two to three hundred pound pigs with a taste for human flesh and it gets messy
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@Canadian.Scott Well thank goodness we are getting to the end of days. I do not have a retirement plan better then having a head on collision with a truck. Makes you wonder who felt we needed this?
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Ah yes, Disney's will own your childhood one way or another. You do have proof you own your childhood, right?
http://blog.newsarama.com/2012/12/07/marvel-sends-cease-and-desist-for-something-it-doesnt-own/
Thanks Blog.newsarama.com and I look forward to our cease and desist order from Marvel/Disney for our childhood memories.
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Here's an awesome fanmade Doctor Who opening. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73DdgVZ9AcU&list=FLsSZFYByFuP2I07kvkS9wjw&index=3
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@Timely-Tardis-Lego I don't know so much about using the pictures with the actors, though I know they did that all the time in the classic run. But I do like the Tardis in the logo spinning out into the real Tardis. And the colors are pretty awesome.
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@Timely-Tardis-Lego I think that the next season's time vortex will be even more messed up - it has been progressively more distraught each season/series
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@Gallen_Dugall @Timely-Tardis-Lego There's a theory it's leading to a revamped version of the Tom Baker credits, with some swearing it was "peaking through" the vortex in the last few episodes of 7A. I can see where they're coming from, but it may be just because I'm looking for it.
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@rabidronnie In a new Saint series, no less. How many episodes before it gets cancelled?
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@Gallen_Dugall @rabidronnie She's one of the few actresses my husband will actually admit to having a crush on. As ill-fated as it was, I thought she did extremely well in Dollhouse.
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@Gallen_Dugall @rabidronnie Fair point. I thought their treatment of the character development was far more interesting than their treatment of the technology--what it would do to you to have these personalities given and taken all the time, what it meant to be a part of it. Anyway you slice it, though, best thing that came out of that series: ENVER GJOKAJ. That man has some serious acting chops. He can do every single accent ever in the world, and a phenomenal Fran Kranz impression to boot. On the subject of Fran Kranz. . . Topher :( *infinite sadness*
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@rabidronnie @Gallen_Dugall I'd say that the idea was interesting but overpowered. There's no way that kind of tech wouldn't get abused on a vast scale almost immediately - heck the Russians would strangle their own children to get their hands on it. Mind control tech accounts for 40% of their R&D budget - 16% in the USAlund and 22% in China
http://www.forbes.com/sites/daviddisalvo/2012/04/04/are-we-ready-for-the-russian-zombie-gun/
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@Gallen_Dugall @rabidronnie One problem was that it really took several episodes to get hooked on it. I'd say season one didn't get interesting until "The Gray Hour", and I only watched up to that point because I had a hardcore Joss Whedon disciple for a roommate at the time, and she insisted on watching it every week. If I hadn't stayed until that point, I never would have been interested in continuing.
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Makes one think...which regeneration would this make?
[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/oKj0L.jpg[/IMG]
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@jonap @Gallen_Dugall @TheConjurerOfCheapTricks @Canadian.Scott I believe it's the same interview just different parts of it. One of the few I've actually watched of Conan. (no reason, just is)
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@Gallen_Dugall @TheConjurerOfCheapTricks @Canadian.Scottcott
My bad here is the actual video:
http://teamcoco.com/video/dick-van-dyke-interview-pt-1-11/29/12
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@Gallen_Dugall @TheConjurerOfCheapTricks @Canadian.Scott Like this but totally different.
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@TheConjurerOfCheapTricks @Canadian.Scott why does that guy have Londo's hair?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=B_rVzBt20N0#t=23s
but seriously what the hell kind of accent is this?
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I may have missed this but if not enjoy
http://www.superherohype.com/news/articles/174009-new-image-from-star-trek-into-darkness
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@10glfan59 And Benedict is wearing the all black starfleet uniform that Kirk sported in the first movie...
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@10glfan59 SO what does this mean? We must analyze all aspects. Everyone put on your thinking caps!
[IMG]http://i.imgur.com/LfRCI.gif[/IMG]
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@rabidronnie @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 The fact it's only possible connection to Khan is a redshirt Kirk gave posthumous commendation to is making me lean towards the "Peter Weller's old adviser is Khan" theory despite that's probably just what they want me to do.
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@Someguy @Gallen_Dugall @rabidronnie @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 darned if I know - there were a lot of Trekies in the navy so there was a lot of that kind of thing floating around. I only ever purchased the John M Ford's How Much For Just The Planet
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@Gallen_Dugall @rabidronnie @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 I'm trying to remember which book that is. At first I wanted to say Kobiashi Maru but that's not right.
Wouldn't it be cool if it was Gary Seven coming to get revenge on the Earth for being hurt completing the mission of making sure the missile self destructed and now he seeks revenge.
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@rabidronnie @Gallen_Dugall @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 I'm looking forward to STID but I'll be surprised and disappointed if it's a recycled character. I'd be mildly surprised if it was a minor established character - there was A LOT of shout outs to Trek books in the last one, and this pleased me. Sulu botching his first effort on the helm was a "squee" moment for me - Seriously who read that book? I only read it because I was trapped for five years on a ship whose library was a 14" by 14" cardboard box.
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@rabidronnie @Someguy @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59
I liked the first one, so i did not help create this bad guy.
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@Gallen_Dugall @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 I'd watch a movie about Baddy McBadguy if it starred Benedict Cumberbatch. . .
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@Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 the problem as I see it is that it won't matter. I loved the first one, but the movie isn't going to be a deep character driven drama - it's going to be space action.
Might as well name him Baddy McBadguy, however it has been spoiled that this is "a threat from Starfleets past" so I'm thinking original character and thank glob for that
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@Someguy @Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 It's an embodiment of all of the collective nerd rage from the first movie, which has somehow taken human form and insinuated itself into the Trek universe to wreak its unholy revenge on the rebooted characters!
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@Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 It's Charlie X. Back for revenge against the planet that he feels forgot about him.
It's Finnegan, who was captured by Nero in the first invasion, genetically enhanced and sent as a backup revenge tool.
It's Lt. Cdr. Ben Finney, who after being exposed to atomic matter because he left open a switch to the atomic matter piles and no one was there to spot it because then Ensign Kirk skipped right up to Captain, was given incredible powers but horribly disfigured ran off to Talos IV, learned their power of illusion and sent to retrieve Pike because his now mutated body won't reproduce children, now he's there for REVENGE!! Revenge!!! http://api.ning.com/files/Q2zEACsTVVM0F9yXtPN8gwweS*RPswvPkj1R-2KcyrYEgt-8obVBKgEHA1NNswSJG500djIQkJ3yh5yK-5hQDw__/BruceCampbellEvilDead2laugh.gif
Or it's just Khan.
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@Canadian.Scott @10glfan59 Well I think the fact that a "decoy name" has been given to Cumberbatch's character in this picture is pretty clear evidence that he's not playing Khan. It's already been leaked, if he were Khan, they'd just let it out. Just another piece of the puzzle that proves that Abrams is messing with our minds.
