The Oscars allegedly honor the best in the movie business - that's what they say, anyway, and we'll go with it for now. But very few people start off great out of the gate; in a business that everybody's dying to break into and the next paycheck is never a guarantee, most of the industry's finest make questionable choices at some point. And when they finally hit the pinnacle of their careers, that's when smartasses like me show up to remind them of said choices. Here are ten that we can't necessarily blame them for taking money to make, but we can warn you never, ever to subject yourself to them. Besides, Oscars are all anybody's talking about at the moment, so we might as well have some fun with it.
10. Man of the House, starring Tommy Lee Jones.
Jones, in full-on hardass mode, plays a Texas ranger forced to go undercover as a cheerleading coach in order to protect five witnesses who just happen to be bubble-headed cheerleaders. He is made to move in with them, and hilarity does not ensue. Note to movie producers: If a script contains a gag in which someone shoves his hand up a cow's asshole, do us all a favor and just don't make the movie. Even if you are hiring the director of Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.
9. Forrest Gump, starring Sally Field.
Because fuck Forrest Gump. That is all.
8. Revolutionary Road, shot by Roger Deakins (Best Cinematography nominee for Skyfall).
Deakins is a cinematographic god who has helped make the Coen brothers what they are today by consistently bring the best visuals to match their wit, but that doesn't mean you should see every movie he's done. While he and Sam Mendes had great success with Skyfall, their prior team-up featured Titanic costars Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet as unhappy newlyweds, something nobody wanted to see (in broadly stereotypical terms: guys never wanted them to reteam at all and girls didn't want them to reteam unhappily). Especially during a mortgage crisis and financial meltdown, a movie about how married people who own their own homes are in fact tragically oppressed by societal roles was not the right way to go.
7. Tooth Fairy, costarring Seth MacFarlane (writer of the lyrics for Best Original Song nominee "Everybody Needs a Best Friend").
Getting MacFarlane on this list wasn't easy; as much as he irritates some people, he hasn't done that many movies. But he was in the one where Dwayne The Rock Johnson becomes a tooth fairy, and that'll do it.
6. The Twilight Saga: New Moon, scored by Alexandre Desplat (nominated for Argo).
He's looking at you, Beavis. He's going "uhhh, I like what I see"
I'll give this to the second Twilight movie: it actually tried to be cinematic about a book in which nothing happens and the ending is achieved by a character predicting what the ending will be. And Desplat, a talented composer, doesn't exactly get a chance to shine working on part of a series for which mediocre pop songs are a soundtrack staple. But how can we not put a Twilight film on this list? Shockingly, it isn't even the worst Kristen Stewart movie herein.