Reading is fundamental. I totally missed the deadline. Ha!

George Lucas: Fuck you, Randall.

Randall: (crying) Nooooo, Jay. Don't eat my face......

Okay, I hope this isn't too late for the contest. Just before the credits roll, after the plot has been brought to resolution, the scene fades to black. When it comes back up, Brian O'Halloren (Dante) is in a Superman costume, held with green chains. Suddenly, as in without warning, a green energy blast hits the green chains, dissolving them, and Superman drops to the floor. Off screen, we hear Jason Mewes' (Jay) voice say, "Good shot, Green Lantern." The camera spins around as Superman shakily rises to one knee, and we see Jason Mewes as Plastic Man, Jeff Anderson (Randall) as Green Arrow, Kevin Smith (Silent Bob) as Green Lantern Guy Gardner, Jason Lee (Brody) as Booster Gold, and Marilyn Ghigliotti (Veronica from Clerks 1) as Wonder Woman. Green Lantern says, "It's a good thing we got to you before the Legion of Doom's Kryptonite chains killed you, Superman." Arrow says, "Luthor did it. Had to have been. He's the only one with access to the technology to synthesize Kryptonite into chain links. He has to be funding and leading the Legion of Doom." Cut to a photo of a bald Matt Damon flipping off the camera. Booster says, "Skeets is telling me he is picking up the aural after image of Gorilla Grodd as well."  Cut to a photo of Ben Affleck givng his goofiest face. Wonder Woman has a look of concern on her face and says, "Superman. Clark, are you okay? You look like the Kryptonite put you through a nightmare hallucination." Superman rises dramatically from the floor, and using his super speed runs over to Wonder Woman. He grabs her by the shoulders and has a serious and determined look on his face. "Dear God, Diana," he says low, then shouts, "HOW MANY DICKS HAVE YOU SUCKED?!?!?!?!?" Roll credits.

Dante: I just found out Caitlin Bree's been released from the institution. Maybe I should call her.

Randall: Because that worked out so well last time you did it.

Dante: It's been twenty years, maybe things have changed.

Randall: I dunno, man. Fucking a corpse does strange things to a person. My cousin Walter lost his virginity to a dead girl on his 12th birthday.

Dante: How the hell did that happen?

Randall: His dad hired a prostitute dressed as a party clown for him. She had a fatal allergic reaction to the face paint. Croaked right there in the dining room, mid-bang.

Dante: Jesus Christ.

Elias: Randall, when is RST going to get copies of The Hobbit?

Randall: Never. I refuse to buy a crappy movie about Dildo Faggins.

Elias: What exactly was so bad about the Hobbit?

Randall: Was there a single scene where they didn't have the characters describe, in agonizing detail, what was happening?

Elias: Yeah! There were lots!

Randall: Was it 90 percent walking?

Elias: Uh...

Randall: I rest my case.

Randal: The world has changed.

Dante: Uh, yeah. It always does.

Randal: When we started working in these stores, they still had Beta. Now, we're on the cusp of adding Blu-Ray.

Dante: Progress is good. Technological advances are made all the time.

Randal: Yes, but not all of said technological advances are what any sane person should call progress. Take this Twitter bullshit. People can't express themselves in more than 140 characters. How the fuck is anyone supposed to communicate with these oppressive limitations.

Dante: I find most people don't have even that much to say.

Randal: The whole world is being made to be impersonal. Technology is great and all but we as society are starting to miss out on the simple joys of life.

Dante: What simple joy can be derived from advancing technology that you would deem acceptable.

Randal: Like a chick winkin' her brown eye at the camera in the highest resolution available. [flips on the TV, we hear moaning]

Randal: AHHHH FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

Dante: Whhhat now Randal?

Randal: I just read they're going to make another god damn star wars movie, as if the last 3 pile of shits weren't enough, now were going to be subjected to further raping of our childhood, gladly accepting it because it's star wars & we can't say no.  The worst part is, the guy that directed lost is going to be in charge of this fucking slap in the face to geeks everywhere.  Why the fuck do I want to see the origin of Jar Jar while jedi's are fighting a smoke monster?  The whole thing is ridiculous, and the sad part is the kids.

Dante: what about the kids?

Randal: The kids got the shittiest end in this deal, think...when we were kids watching Luke blow up the death star, it was like the greatest thing ever, watching Ewoks use a stormtroopers head as a fucking bongo.  But kids today don't get that version, they get this fucking gay fox news politics star wars.  now the next generation of kids are just going to be exposed to horse shit so bad....they might say....FUCK STAR WARS.  That's why kids have it the worst. Because they won't know the true greatness that was A Galaxy Far Far Away.

Dante: Don't you think you're being a little over dramatic?  I mean, I'm kind of interested in seeing where the story goes.  

Randal: Oh you fucking would

Jay (to Silent Bob): "Some black midget named Prince came riding by on a llama and asked when you were going to finish writing The Widening Gyre"

Silent Bob: "If it helps, think of every day as Peter Jackson's "Hobbit" trilogy. Some good parts, some bad parts, feels longer than it should be, but in the end, hopefully, it's all worth it."

Customer: do you guys have Red Dawn?

Randall: The one with Charlie Sheen or the one with Thor?

Customer: Uhhh... Thor.

Randall: No.

Customer: Alright, I'll rent the Charlie Sheen one.

Randall: we don't have that one either.

Customer: fuck this, I'll just download it.

Randall: (as he leaves) You're helping the terrorists win!

Its too bad Rosario Dawson couldnt make it. You fucked up Dante. 

Dante: Why the fuck did we want to buy the stores in the first place?!

Glad to see a contest again.  I have zero interest in this man, his movies, or this book, but I hope the contests are back.

Randal: Would you bang Carrie Fisher if you had the chance?

Dante: What?! No. She's gotta be pushing 60 by now.

Randal: Doesn't make a difference to me. I'd still bang her. I'd don't care if her bush is grayer than Grand Moff Tarkin's uniform.

The last movie ended on such a high note that the only way to do this as a last film would be to set everyone "right" in the world. As fans of Kevin smith we know that for the most part he is the main character in each of his films. By saying his last movie is clerks 3 we can assume the only characters who will be set right in this world will be dante, randal, becky, elias, jay, and silent bob. I'll do the dialogue bit later on but i can tell you right now. If this is going to be his last movie, end of discussion. He will do animal house ending. Just like the ending of mall rats. which btw is the last time we see those characters. I am guessing as an overall plot point dante is used to being a father, him and becky are doing great. the main story will be about randal, interspersed with dante chiming in about shit the kid did, or shit the wife did. dante will get frustrated with randal over something, or more likely something devastating happens to randal. this will make randal see the light and gets his own life on track. dante will have a daughter. dante will smoke weed with jay and bob. and now my entry for the contest. be warned i have no knowledge of this film, and if these things happen to come true i can not be held responsible.

exterior sunset quick stop, jay and silent bob are in there normal positions.

Jay: ya know, lunchbox, we've been through some crazy shit over the years.

silent bob: nods

Jay: chilled with a monkey, fought angels, demons too , and not that shit movie with tom hanks. you see that flick?

silent bob: nods disapprovingly

jay: met god, and even got arrested.

silent bob: holds up two fingers

jay: twice. 

*car pulles up, pause, honks horn*

jay: *puts hand on shoulder* hey man, its my ride.

silent bob- mixture of surprised, shocked expression. glassy eyed. using both hands silently signifying what the fuck

jay-listen man, it's been awesome, but its time to go.

silent bob- silent tear falls down cheek

jay- don't be sad man, I just found my place is all.

silent bob- eyes still misty looks like a bit of relief washed over his face.

Jay- rushes, not runs to the car opens the door. jay gets in and they pull away.

(insert cameo of your choosing, a few come to mind. amy from chasing amy is unlikely due to being a lesbian. justice is still in jail,  no one mentions her. my choice is carrie fischer, with some resembelance to her character cameo from jay and silent bob strike back)

Carrie- *notices jay misty eyed* everything go alright back there?

jay- yea, it just felt right ya know. like it was time for us to go our seperate ways. *clearly misty eyed during this scene*

*exterior, slightly dimmer outside, not quite dark lights, quick stop, 

*silent bob is clearly crying silently in the usual spot without jay, frustratingly trying to light a joint, lighter isn't cooperating*

*close up of mystery hand with ligther in it, sparking the joint in silent bobs mouth*

silent bob- nods, clearly calming down 

(note dante has smoked with jay and bob a few times, and after clerks 2 they clearly respect each other)

dante- *takes a hit of the joint before passing it back* where'd your muse go? 

silent bob- Points to the clearly visible shadow outline of where jay stood all those years. and then points to the tire tracks.

dante- wow, he just left huh? did ya say anything to him before he left?

silent bob- didn't have to. (bob speaks this line)

dante- looks puzzled both by bob talking and by the response he got. "why's that?"

silent bob- because for the first time,(takes a hit)(exhales) i'm not worried about him.(takes hit) his shit's together.(spoken while exhaling) bob speaks this line.

dante-(dante takes hit) (exhales) (leans on jays spot on the wall) anything you regret not telling him? (said very mellowed)

silent bob- (leans in his spot on the wall) just that i love him. *clearly misty again*

pan out and to the side at a 45 degree angle from where dante and bob are still passing a joint. side of the quick stop clearly says in spray paint "eat pussy" with p.s. underneath "snoogans" 

insert sappy 90's song.

cue montage of what everyone did after the movie.

R: "Dude I got to tell you about last night!!" D:"you sure I want to hear it ? I mean you went out with that freaky girl.. the one with the lazy eye" R: "freaky girls do freaky things.. what can i say  a Man needs variation once in a while" D:"I am getting enough "variation" with my girl" R: PFFF dude switching from missionary to doggy style now and then and licking her toes is just boring vanilla..any way .. fuck your boring ass sex life .. i was telling a story !. R: So last night we were messing around in the kitchen and we were trying to stuff all sorts of shit up her pussy.. cucumbers, cheese.." D: Cheese?" R: "yeah dude cheese.. variation adds flavor ... besides I like cheese." D: "ugh.. so what next" R: turns out the bitch is allergic for cheese and starts spacing out while i have my dick in her cheese covered pussy"  D: "no way so you pulled out and called an ambulance??? R: "naw dude .. i figured if she is going into a spasm im going to fuck her right out of it" D: "dude thats sick ... she could have died" R: No way dude it was light cheese so she could have never died from that stuff.. its barely cheese.." D: "sooo what then?" R: I fucked her right out of the tremors and back into the real world .. bitch was screaming and cumming and going all at the same time ... IT WAS EPIC" D: "your just sick, never ever tell me about your sex life again" R: "Pfff you close minded 2 positon fucker"

"I motherfucking sure as hell do, bitches!" '....'  I now pronounce you man and.. man. Jay, you may kiss your bride, Silent Bob.

Silent Bob : "     "

Dante: It must be hard having a twin, it like having another version of you, which is either fuck up, or better than you. Unless you’re like Luke and Lea I guess.

Randal: I have a twin.

Dante: Get out of here.

Randal: Nah, for reals. He’s name is Deacon and he just as fuck up as me. He was shooting some porn flick for a fat ass and his hot (Randall makes quotation mark with his hand) best girlfriend. The scene was for some anal and numb nuts thought it was a good idea to be underneath them.

Dante: What happen?

Randal: Dude got face full of shit for his POV.

Dante: (laughing) Wow, your brother got shitted on a face that looks like you. I wish I coulda seen that.

Randal: Yea well, your ex-girlfriend suck 38 dicks.

Dante: 37

Randal: (Randall points to himself) 38!

Dante: 38!

Randal: She says “Hi”

Not so much dialogue, but the wedding of Jay and Silent Bob

With bob nodding enthusiastically "I do"

Not dialog so much as anytime they do plot points, or simple walking, or movement we hear one cast member do the  BWWWAAAMMM BWWAAAMMM sound effect from trailers.  

(Int Day Harley's Bedroom close up of Harley's face.  Camera pulls back to show her in bed, slowly waking up.)

Smith (VO) -

Harley?  Honey?  Honey?  Are you awake?

Harley (as she wakes up, she find her dog standing on the bed next to her, whining softly)-

Huh?  Wha.... dad?  mom?

(Int Day Harley's Bedroom (POV Harley).  We see Kevin Smith, Jason Mews, Jennifer Schwalbach, Brian O'Halloran, and Jeff Anderson gathered around the bed.)

Smith -

Wow, kid.  Are you okay?  I mean, one minute you're playing street hockey on the roof, then you took that fall and *bam* out like a light!  You good?

Harley -

Yeah, dad...  but...  I had this dream.  I was in this weird world.  The whole time... things were... well... messed up. 
 

Jason Lee sticks his head into the bedroom window)

Lee -I heard about Harley's accident...  she okay?

Smith -

Honey, it sounds like you had a hell of a dream there.  It wasn't real 

Harley -

Oh, but it was...  it was!  You were all there!  You ou never spoke, mom kept... doing things with Brian.  Jason... Jason was such a potty mouth!  And Jeff!  Damn...  you never go... well not there to mouth.  Jeez...

(Everyone laughs)

Smith -

Well kid, it doesn't matter.  What's important is that you're ok.

Harley (grabs and hugs dog) -

Oh, but anyway, Elias, we're home – home! And this is my room – and you're all here – and I'm not going to leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all! And... (looks off screen, at a point she's never looked directly at before) oh, Auntie Em, there's no place like home!

(Everyone turns and looks in that direction - camera quick cut to Ben Affleck)

Affleck -

What?  Oh?  That?  Hey, the kid wanted to play dress up one day...  I mean...  heck, it was just a game...  she never calls me Auntie Em unless I'm dressed.  Ah... which I never do... well, that one time...  okay... ah...

(Camera pulls out, as everyone laughs.  Fade to black)

[Dante is in his new office, staring at an Excel spreadsheet, methodically entering data. On the phone, while roaming around his gargantuan concrete loft, is Randall.]

D: Yeah, they were bad movies because they took everything good in the real trilogy and replaced it all with badness.

R: What you don’t get is that the prequels were a masterpiece of fucked-up character psychology. What didn’t you like?

[R is speaking into a wireless Bluetooth headset while tinkering with something we can’t see on a workbench. Sparks fly up from something being welded.]

D: Um, the cardboard characters, fight scenes that were hyperactive but also mind-blowingly dull, midichlorians…

R: And that is what made it awesome. Because it’s all from Darth Vader’s perspective.

D: That’s, like, the worst part! I need to freebase cleaning supplies while watching Empire if I’m gonna ignore how Vader’s magnificence was totally undermined. All I can see is the mopey guy from Jumper…

[A power drill screeches in the background. R hoists a glowing green rock between a pair of tongs and holds it up to his eye, rotating it slowly.]

R: You saw Jumper?

D: I had this one week where I was delirious from fever and didn’t want to waste any movies that I might actually need to remember.

R: Anyway, all that shittiness in the prequels is the entire point of the prequels. George Lucas said: I could show one hero’s tragic descent into corruption, make one more movie about _____ blah blah blah. But then he said: or---or I could make them feel one man’s tragic descent.

D: What.

R: You know how all the romantic interactions between Anakin and Amidala feel like they’re written by a 5-year-old? It’e because Anakin never grew up. Sure, Queen Senator Get-Ahead is willing to bang him anyway, famous Jedi hero. But in his mind it’s an epic romance. Except he doesn’t really know what that means. The guy doesn’t understand love.

[The power drill turns off, the explosions stop, all goes silent on R’s end.]

R: Same with the Jedi. You think they were actually that dumb? No way, man. Yoda turns into a judgemental asshole because Anakin doesn’t know how to recognize a nurturing father-figure. The combat is painfully boring, all the lightsabers look the same, because a guy like Anakin isn’t like Luke…there’s no sense of the epic because he doesn’t know what he’s fighting for. It’s just chaos. The kid was abducted when he was 7 and recruited into a war that he didn’t understand. He killed everyone in the Trade Federation! He wasn’t even eleven years old!

[D stops typing.]

D: …That is pretty messed up. 

R: Why does Jar Jar exist? Could anyone really be that unctuous?No! Anakin is an inner-city Tatooine kid! Jar Jar comes from a world with lush forests and enormous palaces, and he’s a soft idiot. That’s what everyone different looks like to him! The whole thing is about how one twisted upbringing can corrupt an entire universe. And/or viewing experience.

[R hoists his tongs victoriously. He has created a still-sizzling bronze bust of Batman slugging Superman in the face, complete with miniature Kryptonite ring.]

D: Those movies still blow.

R: Lucas is a genius. 

Dante: Yes, I assure you, we are closed.

Randall: Fuckin' savages.

Randall: I don’t care what you say, man. I’d rather see them continue on the series than do a reboot. Think about it, how many reboots of classic films turned out good? Its like being mind fisted dude.

Dante: What about the Chris Nolan Batmans Randall? They’ve done pretty good for themselves.

Randall: WHO GIVES A FUCK! What would you rather see that Bale fucker talk like cookie monster sucking elmo’s dick or DO a DARK KNIGHT Motherfucking Returns WITH The all original cast of the First BATMAN. That’s right! Bring back Michael Keaton, Jack, the whole fucking cast man. Hell, even get that Robert Wuhl fucker.  And shit, get that Kevin Smith fucker to write it. I’d paid hard earned money for that dank shit (reaches and gets a twenty out of the cash door)

Dante: What the fuck Randall?

Randall: What? 

You should really stop calling them "Giveaways" and start calling them "Earn Your Shit". If you have to do something more than simply enter then you're not really giving it away now are you?

Dante: So JJ Abrams...Star Wars...

Randall: Yeah who gives a fuck after Menace. I'd rather see The Hobbit.

Silent Bob: I sense in him much anger.

"See that place, son?  Before Uncle Randal accidentally burned it down, it's where Daddy used to work.  And it was in that very spot that President Silent Bob conducted his case studies on the mentally ill with Jay, the man who cuts our grass."

*uncomfortable silent stare* *blinkblink*

Alec Baldwin as Leonardo Leonardo: "Well played, Clerks."

(Hey - I can dream, can't I?)

Randal: 'Are you ready for your bachelor party man?! It's going to be sick! There is going to be booze...hot stripers...’

Dante: 'I...I...I don't want stripers'

Randal: 'What the fuck?! Of course you do! Every man wants strippers man, and any man that says he doesn't is a fucking liar. It's the last time you will see another woman's fun bags before you get stuck staring at Becky's for the rest of your miserable locked down married life.'

Dante: ‘I don’t care man, I promised Becky’ :Randal groans: 

*It is the last scene of the film and all the characters are standing around*

Silent Bob:  I've had enough of this sh*t!  You are all asinine pricks and deserve to be wiped from the planet...F*ck You [gives finger],F*ck You [gives finger], I never liked you [shoves a character in the face], Silent Bob out!

[Proceeds to push things over and generally trash the place]

It's probably all about peeing.

You can keep your copy.

Randall looks up from the paper behind the counter of the Quickstop and see Dante come in and going about his business cleaning up the counter of the store.  Randall says, "Just what the hell do you think you're doing here on a Saturday afternoon?  Got tired of Becky cornholing you while you play out your demented sexual fantasies?  I thought that bestiality loving hobbit fucker Elias was coming in."  Dante drops the half open carton of cigarettes on the counter, rolls his eyes and impatiently walks over to the schedule pinned on the wall and points to his name clearly marked for the Saturday afternoon shift and says, "I AM supposed to be here today!" 

 Smoochie moochies!

Jay to Bob (out front of Quick Stop) : Do you feel more like you do now than you did before we got here?

Jay: So c'mon, Tons' o' fun, we did all this so what's the point?

Bob: Who said there was one? Now go blow that dude, we gotta get to San Diego.

   Dante:          hey are you that guy i know

Silent Bob:        only you can answer that question

Dante: Jesus! I just had a horrible nightmare that I bought the Quick Stop.

Since I've never seen the movies, and it's been some years since I last watched the cartoon, here's my guesses:

Silent Bob: *Raises eyebrows seductively*

Silent Bob: *Glares*

Silent Bob: *Stands*

Silent Bob: *Smirks*

Randall: Dante, what's with the sad face douchenozzle??

Dante: Fuckin' kill me now man........seriously

Randall: Why??

Dante: My daughter watched Phantom Menace yesterday

Randall: You actually showed her that piece of shit?? Why do you hate your daughter so much?? You should've got tested man, I don't think she's really your kid.......

Dante: Shut the fuck up with that shit Randall......It was on cable.....So anyway, she watched it......and......she liked it

Randall: No fuckin' way!!

Dante: She liked everything about it......kid vader, queen amidala, even Jar Jar Binks......god, it makes me think that Becky dropped her on her head or something

Randall: Man, get over yourself fucktard......she's only what,  4 years old??......of course she's gonna love that movie, it was made for her, not us. She probably doesn't even know its a pre-quel movie, she just fuckin' thinks it's the new Barney movie or something.......you got to give her until she's 6 before you start being disappointed in her. Hell, my old man didn't start calling me a slacker piece of shit until I was 20.

Dante: Yeah, you're probably right........but now she wants to watch that movie all the time........if I hear anybody say "meesa" or "yousa" one more time, I swear I'm gonna put a fuckin' bullet in my brain.

Randall: Meesa force be with you, brother

"Maybe I was supposed be here today after all..."

"I'm getting too old for this shit."