Seven Fantasy Sporting Events I'd Rather Watch than the Superbowl

By Luke Y. Thompson in Daily Lists
Friday, February 1, 2013 at 6:00 am

3. Pod Racing.

Very fast, very dangerous and you need Jedi-like reflexes to do it. But never mind that last part; pay competitors enough money, and they'll be glad to strap themselves to jet engines. The only thing easier will be to find hillbilly Tusken Raiders to volunteer for the duty of taking rifle pot-shots at the drivers.

Plus the involvement of Sebulba proves that any and all cheating is justified. Not enough real sports are no-holds-barred, especially those which involve rocket jets. And if it makes you feel better, in real life Jake Lloyd would not win.

2. Quidditch.

You might think I'm crazy to suggest that a game played on magical flying broomsticks is something that could ever reasonably replace football. Why, there's no way something like that which relies on sorcery and a semi-sentient flying object of gold could ever be replicated in real life.

You'd be reckoning without some pretty resourceful Harry Potter fans. It seems some people still think it's a fun thing to play even without levitation, just like some people think football games are fun to watch on days when there aren't brand-new commercials involved.

There's no accounting for taste.

1. Joust.

No, not the horseback stuff you see at Medieval Times. That's too easy. I demand that scientists quit working on nanoprobes or whatever, and get to the all-important task of training ostriches to fly and allowing armored knights to ride on their backs. Because dammit, that's the future I was promised.

Besides, since everything you see in video games is true, think of the world famine that would be relived every time the flying ostriches lay an egg upon being struck in the front. "Omelet" you imagine such a planet without hunger, bitchez...(and I mean that in a non-gender-specific-yet-still-insulting way)

Seriously, though - "Go team!" Because I'm backing the same team as you this Sunday. You have my word as a gentleman.


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