The Ones Not to Make:
6. Grizzly River Run.
Issue #1 - an intrepid group of eight explorers gets in a raft, rides down the river, gets wet.
Issue #2 - another intrepid group of eight explorers gets in a raft, rides down the river, gets wet.
Issue #3 - a third intrepid group of eight explorers gets in a raft, rides down the river, gets wet.
Get the picture?
5. Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln.
At Disneyland, the whole point of this attraction is to showcase an elaborate, animatronic Lincoln...but in true P.T. Barnum fashion, there's a long build-up before they reveal him, during which we're treated to some U.S. History 101, via narration and static images (watch the entire video above, if you can bear to). A comic could recreate that exactly...and then would be totally unable to deliver the payoff of having a realistic mechanical president right in front of you.
Unless you could do a rip-off of Westworld, with robo-Lincoln coming to life and killing tourists. That, I'd read.
It's a simulated hang-glider ride that's only interesting because you're in a hanging chair with free-floating legs looking at a huge screen. A comic that's just images of America from the air would be boring as fuck.
3. Storybook Land.
Ride on a boat through Monstro the whale's mouth, then meander slowly around elaborate miniature versions of the most famous houses and castles from Disney cartoons. It's a ride that has all the fun of looking through a toy store with none of the joy of being able to buy anything at the end.
In comic-book form, it'd be the equivalent of that ad for Ozymandias action figures in that one issue of Watchmen. Took us years for Mattel to make them, and they never even did Bubastis or the Owl Ship when they finally got around to it.
2. Pretty Much Anything From EPCOT's Future World.
Rides about the history of communications...or agriculture...or energy and natural resources make for fun edu-tainment when you want the kids to have all the enjoyment of a theme-park vacation combined with an insidious agenda of teaching them something. But if you're giving them a comic book, they're already reading, so give them a break on the other crap.
Journey Into Imagination, with its highly marketable Figment character, has the most potential...although by definition, one artist's particular rendering nails things down one way without necessarily leaving much room for imagination. A conundrum indeed, one that a writer like Alan Moore could have some fun with. Good luck getting him to ever work for Disney, though - he prefers worshipping snakes to mice.
1. It's a Small World.
Was there ever an iota of doubt that this would top the list? Everyone I know has a story of being stuck on this ride as that song just looped, and looped and looped...coming out of it they know how psychological torture feels...or just FAO Schwarz employment after an eight-hour shift of non-stop "Welcome to Our World of Toys."
The story behind the ride is actually a much more affirming one than its current status as hate-bait would imply - the song and the attraction were conceived in the wake of the Cuban Missile Crisis to demonstrate how children the world over have more in common than their differences, and we needed to pay some fucking attention rather than go about the business of blowing up the world. The intention was never to make you wish the world would blow up so the song would stop...just an unfortunately ironic by-product.
I don't even know how you could go about making the ride into a comic, unless it's about a terrible form of purgatory where the spirits of damned children have to sing the same song over and over with no breaks. Maybe it's punishment for the brainwashed child soldiers in Africa when they die. Maybe you do a sequel to Zero Dark Thirty in which getting stuck on the ride finally cracks Khalid Sheik Mohammed.
None of these are really plausible options.