Blu-ray Today: Okay, Honestly, Today Sucks

By Luke Y. Thompson in DVDs
Tuesday, December 31, 2013 at 8:00 am

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And here I thought Christmas Eve was a terrible release date, punishingly forcing poor movie fans into crowded and ill-supplied stores. Nope. New Year's Eve is worse. There's one release I want to see, and some junk I might desperately hope is bad-good...as is usual on days like this, I went with the salacious anime cover because why not.

So I Can't Play H - I have no clue what this is about, but the product description on Amazon is mildly amusing, so here it is: "Never make a deal with a wet goddess you've only just met. That's a lesson Ryosuke Kaga learns the hard way when he foolishly agrees to let Lisara Restole use some of his "essence" to stay in this world. Because despite her smoking hot appearance, Lisara's actually a Shinigami, a Goddess of Death. However, she doesn't steal years off his life like any decent Shinigami would do. Oh no, instead she sucks off his lecherous spirit, draining his ability to enjoy. well, the things that teenage boys normally spend most of their time thinking about! And now the poor degenerate's only hope of getting his licentiousness renewed is to join the Lisara on her quest, since when she leaves our mortal plane he regains his normal immorality! But Shinigami can be really harsh mistresses and it's going to be anything but easy to go back to being sleazy in So I Can't Play H!"

Death Note with floppy wieners instead of corpses, then? I can dig it.



Don Jon - I missed this earlier in the year and was fully expecting it to get an awards push so I could get another chance, but it seems not everything Joseph Gordon-Levitt does gets pushed to the moon. Not that he should worry - in his directorial debut, he cast Scarlett Johansson and Julianne Moore as his leading ladies, playing a porn addict who's irresistible to both. If you were him, would you give two shits whether it ended up doing well or winning awards, or would that be good enough?

Dragon Ball Z: Season 1 - We have come full circle. I remember the days when the general public didn't understand "widescreen" format - in North Carolina, widescreen VHS copies of Titanic were sold in one store with the warning "For Widescreen TVs Only!", while many believed that home video companies were deliberately cutting off the top and bottom of the image to artificially make a video look more theatrical.

They weren't then, but they are now. Fans are universally furious that this Dragon Ball Z set artificially crops the episodes to a widescreen ratio they weren't made in. They are correct; don't buy this. It's not like that time I bought True Stories on fullscreen Pan-and-Scan DVD because no other format existed or was likely to - Dragon Ball Z will serve the fans if you make them.

Hell Baby - The people behind Reno 911 bring you a Rosemary's Baby parody, featuring Garfunkel & Oates' Riki Lindhome ("Fuck Me in the Ass 'Cause I Love Jesus") doing a nude scene. If that isn't enough said, you're not the target audience.

Ninja II - Scott Adkins keeps getting cast in action movies, but while he seems to have some good fight moves, I have yet to be convinced he has any star power. Jean-Claude Van Damme has tried to put him over in at least three movies so far, and still only hardcore film nerds know who he is. Oh well, I hear this is pretty good.

Zombie Hamlet - Not a Blu-ray on this one, just a DVD...but take that title in, and then drink in the cast: Jason Mewes, June Lockhart, Shelley Long, John Amos, Hulk Hogan. Them zombies gonna starve, because ain't no brains here. Maybe this could be fun?

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